by J.D. Selmser
Chapter eleven
Second chances
I woke up in a pool of my own slobber, with my back burning and tingling at the same time. Each breath was a struggle because the dried blood from the beating I took had somehow made my shirt stick to my back like dried glue on paper. The words "Turning against the family," were still ringing in my ears. Every sound was muffled like I was under water. A voice kept echoing in my ears, "Don't give up. I believe you can do this." My back felt like I was on fire and each breath made it tremble in agony. I just laid there, trying to put the pieces together like a blind guy trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together. The voice kept saying, "Don’t give up. You aren't finished yet.", but the pain was all I could think about.
The last thing I remembered was this intense beating and thinking that they were going to kill me. I guess that's exactly what they did. They beat me to death. I wanted to get up and see what Hell looked like, but every time I moved it was like my skin was being ripped off. I felt around realizing that my shirt was as hard as stone then it occurred to me that it was my shirt fastened to my back. The dried on blood was like super glue on paper and had fastened my shirt to my flesh. "It’s ok you are safe here.", Hazel’s voice whispered. I forced my head to twist around and there she was, just standing beside me. "Nothing can hurt you here."
It might have been my disappointment or maybe it was just the fact I felt like I had missed something, but I didn’t think my work here was done yet. “So I am dead right? It only took two days for you to realize my soul is incapable.” It actually made sense to me in a strange, dark sort of way.
“If you want to be yes. You can give up right now. Kristina still dies and her prayer is never answered. It would be a great injustice, but you were born with free choice.”
"Then where am I?", I asked, trying to get the strength to force myself up onto my feet.
"You are in the darkest corners of your mind. Well you are actually unconscious and I am standing inside the darkest part of your mind."
I was finally sitting up and couldn't believe what I was seeing. Hazel wasn't that sickly looking twelve year old anymore. She was a full grown woman with long flowing red hair. "What happened to you? Do you get to grow up after you die?"
Smiling she answered, "I can be whatever you want me to be. Right now I am that girl in the red panties from that car commercial you like." She seemed to transform from the beautiful young woman with the wiggle I dropped everything to see to the young sickly girl I knew. "I think you feel more comfortable just talking to me."
I had to admit it did make me feel comfortable talking to the girl I knew and bonded with rather than a copy of a stranger I didn't know at all. "Yes.", I responded.
“Come walk with me.”, she said.
“What? Are you going to show me how I failed everybody I come in contact with?”, I asked. I know that it probably sounded sarcastic, but that’s not the way I meant it to come out. It was an actual question. Considering I now knew how my smallest actions seemed to have a lasting effect on the world around me, especially Kristina in this case, it seemed valid.
“I can’t show you the future, only the present. I think that you should want to see what I have to show you.”
I was still sitting there, trying to get the strength to make my way to my feet, but my whole back burned. “Can’t you stop this pain that seems to be never ending?”
“Sorry I can’t stop it because your mind remembers the shape your body is in. Think of it like a phantom pain. It’s like one of those people who lose an arm and the person still feels the pain from that lost limb.”
I forced myself up onto my feet and almost gave into the pain, but somehow managed to grab hold of Hazel’s hand. She seemed proud as she smiled and said, “Good. I knew that you wouldn’t quit without knowing what’s happening right now so you choose the right path to travel.” Pointing towards Kate’s house she said, “That’s where we need to start. I want you to see how two days has change Kristina’s view of the world. Not because it’s a failure, but because you need to see that what you see as a failure, is a milestone in her life.”
Holding Hazel’s hand, we started walking towards Kristina’s house. The world was colourless. It was like being trapped in one of those black and white movies where there is no sound and they play the piano and words flash across the screen, only it was just the images. “Is this how you see the world?”
Laughing she said, “No this is how you see the world.” My world is filled with such beautiful colours and sounds that you can’t even imagine. I hope that someday you get to feel it and then you will understand true beauty.”
Smiling I said, “I’ve already seen true beauty.”, she said in a playful manner. “Anybody I know?”
“Well let’s just say that my idea of true beauty has changed recently.” She didn’t say a word, but just grinned a childish grin with those sparkling eyes.
We were stepping across the road watching the cars pass rapidly, but there wasn’t at sound or any wind created by their speed. It was such a strange feeling seeing the world I thought I knew through different eyes. Hazel smiled, “You don’t need to worry about them running us over. They are from the real world and we are well... let’s just say that currently we are beyond the reach of everything you knew.” I almost screamed as a Volkswagen smashed right through her, but with the exceptions of what I can only call a few streaks of smoke floating from her, she was unharmed. Hazel just looked at me and laughed. “Come on let’s go before we waste the whole day crossing the road.”
We walked by the swing set, through the graveyard towards the house and with each step I took, I had a hundred new reasons to fear the dead. We passed by each stone and saw things I never expected. Not demons with horns or flaming graves like you see in the movies, but just lonely souls with lost looks in their eyes. Mist rose from various graves like random smoke signals scattered around. Watching the dimness of it made me glad that there wasn’t any smell around the place since I am sure that I wouldn’t like the smell of death. “Why are they still here?”, I said as I pointed at the various creatures lingering around us.
Hazel looked confused as she stared at the spirits for lack of a better word. “I guess they are just lost souls. They are a lot like you I suppose.”
‘What do you mean a lot like me? Is this what happens if I don’t save Kristina’s life? Is this my punishment?” Yes I was upset hearing that I went from one Hell to another. I think though that my sins from this world should follow me into the next. No I wasn’t a murderer, but how many lives had been affected by me? How many girls were scarred because I just cared about me and didn’t care about them?
Her face was too serious. “I can’t say for sure.” Pulling that scroll from her pocket, she smiled, “It’s a lot smaller than it was.”
“Why did it change?” It seemed to be a rational question. I guess I fixed things with Kristina which was my main sin on that list and I hoped that her name was gone. “Can I see it?”
Handing it to me Hazel said, “That list is always changing. Fate is never one long straight line. Our choices and actions have an effect on our destiny. Even others choices can alter our destiny.”
“You mean like how I screwed over Kristina with my actions.” I was looking at the list and starting going through the list one by one. There were a lot of women’s names listed, but they were just names for me. I couldn’t place a face to them. I never felt shame over this before. It never seemed to be such a terrible event until today as I tried to place a face with the names. They were just trophies in a long list of accomplishments. I went through the list and found Kristina’s name. It was still highlighted. “What is this? I fixed it. I know I hurt her, but I fixed her problem. Her name should still be on the list, but not highlighted.” What did I miss was the question? Was she scarred beyond repair or was I just fooling myself by thinking that I could fix it in two days when it was after four years of horror.
She wa
s pulling me along as she said, “If you tape the stem of a broken rose and don’t let it have water, will it live?”
“What does that mean?”
“Let me show you because I am not sure that I can explain it. I think that you need to see it to understand it.” We were almost at the house when she asked, “Do you remember this graveyard? You kept asking what kind of people put a school in the midst of a graveyard or even worse, what kind of people out a graveyard around a school?”
I couldn’t believe that I had missed it. It was raining the day that we buried Hazel and the wind was like an icy whip striking at my skin. I was younger then and didn’t want to be there. I didn’t understand why my first love or I guess the proper word would be my first crush had to also be my first funeral. I didn’t want to be there, but my mother made me come. My mother kept telling me that it was expected because they were family friends. We had to keep up appearances because my father worked with Hazel’s father, but I wasn’t here because of appearances. I didn’t want to watch them lower my only friend into the ground. Everybody kept saying that she was in a better place now, but that didn’t seem right. It wasn’t fair because I didn’t have any other friends and she was taken away before we had a chance to make lasting memories.
Hazel placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled, “You remember now.” Pointing over across the graveyard she continued, “My body’s resting place is over there, but only one person ever comes to see me now.” Still smiling she added, “I think though it’s more for her than me. I am her connection to happier times.” Tapping the side of my temple with her finger, she whispered, “Concentrate and remember; you will find the connection.”
The image of that day came back into focus. The rain was pounding down harder than expected and a chunky little girl with long hair was holding an umbrella and whispered in a mouse like voice, “You know Hazel thought you were her gift from God. She liked the way you blushed when she kissed you.“ The younger version of me was still hurting and missed Hazel so he didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially another girl. That version of me felt like even talking to another girl was betraying Hazel. This little timid girl holding the umbrella seemed lost as she kept staring between the grave and me. “My name is Krissy.”, as she held out her hand.
I only said, “Hi my name is Jason.”, but my mind wasn’t on making friends, it was on the little piece of my heart that was being dropped into the ground.
“Hazel loved the song you sang her. We uploaded the video for you. It’s so popular that you must be proud.”, she said as she moved a little closer and shared her umbrella with me. “I miss her too. She was my best friend.”
My mother called me. She was waiting by the car, standing next to my dad. My mother hated to be kept waiting so I started to run away. I looked back and said, “Hazel was special. I will miss her.”
The little girl holding the umbrella replied, “I already miss her because she was my only friend.” That was the last time I ever thought of that little girl. If only I had known back then what was going to happen to her, that version of me would never have left her that day. Back then I was decent person. Selfish in my own way, but I wasn’t cruel like I am today. I looked at Hazel, “I have known her all along?”
‘No not really. She was my best friend since kindergarten. Krissy was my best friend and came to see me every day in the hospital. We were so close that I called her my sister. We were so close that I loved her like a sister.”
“Is she the one who uploaded the video that day?”
“Yes, but things didn’t go quite as I had planned.” We had just reached the front step. Hazel sat down, looking at me with sad eyes. “I didn’t want to die and leave Krissy alone. I was all she had and when I met you, I thought that I had found my superhero.” Looking up at me she whispered, “I thought I had found someone to replace me. My grandmother used to say that most people miss the meaning behind the fairytale.”
“What meaning?”
“Beauty.”
“What, that every man wants Cinderella or sleeping beauty?”
“No Cinderella didn’t really exist. I asked once and they told me that it’s only fiction. The meaning of true beauty in all the fairytales is the purest of heart, stupid. When you dream does Meagan Ramsey’s face enter them?”
“Who is Meagan Ramsey?”, I struggled to put a face to that name, but couldn’t.
“Mooney’s Bay Beach. Blonde hair with freckles.” I was trying to force the image into my mind, but couldn’t connect them. It was like trying to play connect the dots, but you don’t know how to count. “Hot pink string bikini and wanted to inspire you.” Then it all came together. So her name was Meagan.
“What does that have to do with fairytales or you or Kristina?”
“Whose face enters your dreams at night?”
“I think you already know that don’t you?”
Smiling she nodded. “Now back to my story. How many times have you stared at the picture we took that day? How many times a day have you looked at my image on that paper and wondered what could have been?”
“Everyday.”
With a grin she responded, “I know. What do you see in it? What did you see in me way back then?” It seemed strange to me to tell her because that thirteen year old boy saw absolute beauty in her. Snapping her fingers, Hazel blurted out, “That’s it exactly.” She pulled a picture from her pocket and handed it to me. “Look at the picture and tell me what you see.”
I looked at the picture and it was just like the one I had. “I see us from that day at the hospital.”
Laughing she said, “No you see what you want to see. To most boys, I was an ugly little bald sick girl with freckles and dangling skin, but you didn’t see that. You saw my inner beauty and it shaped how you saw me and the memory of me. When I met you, I adored you immediately and knew it was okay for me to stop fighting it.”
“Stop fighting what?”
“Death silly. I thought that you were the one, but I was wrong.”
“You mean I killed you?” I screamed.
“No not that you killed me. You were what I was searching for. I couldn’t leave Krissy alone. She was my best friend and I didn’t want her to be alone again. The way you looked at me and what you saw, I knew that you were the one. If you saw beauty in a dying girl then I knew you would see the greatness inside her”.
“Everything you did was for Kristina.”
“Jason no. I did what I did for you. Not for any other reason than I liked you, but I was tired of fighting, but I couldn’t leave Krissy alone. She needed somebody to be there for her. She needed you more than I did. You saw the beauty in me so I knew that if you looked, you would see even more in her, but you kept your eyes closed and missed it. You woke up ugly and stopped seeing the beauty in others”
Before I had a chance to say another word, she tugged on my arm and we were standing in Kristina’s bedroom. It looked much the same as it did before. Bare without any emotional connections. I stood over her desk staring down at the pictures she had drawn. The top picture was much like the previous ones that I had seen before. Her view of the world from her window. As I examined the picture in more detail, this one wasn’t of the swing set where she spent a good amount of her time. This one was of her view of the broken down trailer that had become my home. “See? She has been changing slowly. Her view of the world from this window now includes you.” The image included me sitting on the step. Not the real me of course, but this Jason. I was a little jealous that he was at the center of her attentions, but then again, I deserved this.
I looked at the second picture and it wasn’t the view from her window. This one was a copy of the snap shot Kate had taken of us. They we were hugging like lovers and the details were absolutely perfect with one little exception. “What’s this?” I asked as I pointed.
“That’s her view of you and herself.” Hazel ran her fingers across the image and stopped on the place where my heart wo
uld be. “See? She sees the real you inside there.”
I examined it closer and if you looked at the image just the right way, it looked like the real me. The little Asian kid who ruined her life. Did she really know it was me inside the funny looking white guy who lived across the road? “No she doesn’t realize it’s Jason Wang. The image is based on your joke inside me lives a one hundred and fifty pound Asian kid.” Smiling she added, “See? She has a great sense of humour.”
The image of her was rather good and detailed with the exception of something that was in the exact spot where her heart should be. It looked like a deformed combination of a gremlin and some kind of snake. The ugliest combination of creatures that I had ever seen. “What is this?”, I asked.
“That is what she sees in the mirror. Something inhuman and grotesque. That’s what you helped do to her. You can’t fix her future until you help her learn to deal with the past. Do that and you won’t only save your soul, but your soulmate. That’s not my plan, but theirs.”, as she pointed up towards the ceiling.
My back started burning worse than ever and it felt like my whole body was dying. I grabbed hold of the little desk trying to keep myself from tumbling to the floor in the fetal position. “What’s happening to me?”, I asked.
“Oh you are starting to wake up. It’s ok though Jason don’t fight it. Just remember what you saw in these images. Remember that despite what they say, you can have your Cinderella. Don’t forget that you can choose who you love, but your soulmate was chosen for you.”