Darker the Release

by Claire Kent

  “Okay. But be careful. I’m liking this less and less.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t like it either, but that’s not really the point.”

  “I know. I know. The truth shall set you free and all that shit.” Jack gave a soft, exasperated groan. “I’ll have you know I worried a lot less before I met you.”

  That made her feel strange and uncomfortable. She didn’t like the idea that Jack—that anyone—was worrying about her. “No one asked you to worry.”

  “Yeah, but I’m a go-getter, you know. I don’t wait to be asked.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “Who would have thought the tough security type would be a mother hen at heart?”

  “Just don’t spread it around. Don’t want to ruin my tough-guy image.”

  “My lips are sealed. Are you feeling better? Sorry you had the flu. I was wondering why I hadn’t heard back.”

  “Yeah, sorry about the delay. I feel basically alive today, which wasn’t true of the last two days.”

  “Good. Well, I better go.”

  “Okay. Take care. Don’t do anything else stupid.”

  “It’s too late for that kind of advice.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  Kelly said goodbye and disconnected the call, lowering the phone and staring at Ralph, who was running in circles trying to catch a bird, which seemed to be intentionally teasing the dog.

  This was almost over. Pretty soon she would have the answers she needed.

  And she wouldn’t have to feel like this—completely conflicted, completely helpless, completely trapped in her feelings and what she was afraid might be true. In this downward spiral that had no end.

  She could hardly believe that, not so long ago, she’d started out on this plan to coldly, heartlessly bring Caleb Marshall down.

  When now all she wanted to do was prove he wasn’t guilty at all.

  She was feeling anxious and restless when she got back to the house. What she’d suggested to Jack was a good idea. She would make up an excuse today to stay away from Caleb. She would go back to her apartment and get her grounding again. Then she would know the truth and she could figure out what to do from there.

  The more distance she could get from him to prepare for the final step, the better it would be.

  He was coming down the stairs, dressed in an expensive black business suit, when she came back into the house.

  She paused, staring up at him as he descended.

  For a moment she lost her breath. He was so gorgeous and so confident, and intelligence, masculinity, and depth radiated off of him like some sort of invisible force field.

  And there was something so tender underneath it all—something she never would have dreamed of until she’d gotten to know him.

  He smiled at her. “You’re up early.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know what happened, but I couldn’t seem to stay in bed. It’s a beautiful day.”

  “I know. I was just checking my schedule, and I have a light afternoon. I thought I might cut out early.”

  She blinked, so surprised she couldn’t think of anything to say immediately. “Leave work early?” He never did anything like that.

  “Yeah. Do you want to do something outside? It’s too nice a day to stay indoors.” He was still smiling—this time in a slow, seductive way that was almost impossible to resist.

  This wasn’t at all what she’d been expecting. She was going to make up an excuse today to stay away from him. “I’ve got to finish up a portrait today,” she began, trying to fall back on the reason she’d come up with earlier.

  He took her head in his hands and leaned down into a soft kiss. “Well, finish it up quickly so we can spend the afternoon together. I think I can get away by two.”

  He’d had a really hard day yesterday. She still remembered how shocked and worried she’d been when she’d come home from her dinner with Reese to find him tense and shaky in his office, with his computer monitor in pieces on the floor. She’d never seen him lose control like that before.

  It must have been a serious blow.

  He needed her. He was playing it off right now, acting like it was just a casual, spontaneous idea, but he might really need her today, after what had happened yesterday.

  No matter how smart and safe it would be to follow her initial plan, she didn’t want to let him down. So she heard herself saying, “Okay. I think I can finish up by then too.”

  He leaned to kiss her again, smiling against her lips. “Good. I’m looking forward to it.”

  She smiled too, happy that she’d managed to please him.

  It was just one more day.

  In the scheme of things, how much damage could one more day do?

  —

  Caleb wanted to take a hike.

  She wasn’t sure what had possessed him, since he wasn’t normally an outdoorsy person, except to take his dog to the park on Saturday mornings. But he seemed to have the idea in his head, and she couldn’t think of any reason to refuse.

  She actually liked to hike, as long as they didn’t hike through woods.

  He knew she was scared of the woods. Now he even knew why—or at least, as close to why as she was able to tell him. He wouldn’t be foolish enough to think he could take her there.

  It would probably all be okay.

  They drove a couple of hours outside the city to a national park. Caleb was in a strange mood. He was acting light and casual, the way he had that morning, but there was something tense underlying it. Like he was driven by a force he was masking with the superficial demeanor.

  She assumed it still had to do with yesterday. He was still upset about it, but he was trying to move past the feeling, act normal, forget the pain with a pretense of happiness.

  She understood. She’d felt that way before too. As if once you acted happy long enough, you could eventually feel that way again.

  They left the car in the parking lot and started out on a trail that went over hills and grassland. It was fine. Caleb obviously wasn’t going to make her do anything that was traumatic for her. He loved her and wouldn’t want to hurt her.

  So Kelly was feeling relaxed and better about the whole situation about an hour into the hike when the path wound around a hill and disappeared into a forested area.

  She stopped short.

  Caleb stopped too, looking masculine and sexy with wind-ruffled hair and a sheen of perspiration on his skin. The day was warm, and the sun was bright.

  “I guess we should turn back,” Kelly said, feeling stupid for her phobia but recognizing her heart rate’s acceleration at just the sight of the trees.

  “We don’t have to,” Caleb said, moving a hand to the middle of her back and resting it there.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean we can try to keep going, if you’re up to it.”

  She bit her lip and tried to control her breathing. “You know I’m not. You know what the woods do to me.”

  “Yeah. I know. But don’t you want to get over it?” His voice was level, even, very controlled, like he was trying to calm a spooked animal.

  “Of course I do.” She was starting to get a little annoyed, since he knew better than to push her like this. “But I can’t get over it. I’ve tried. It’s not just something you can force yourself through.”

  “You went into the woods on the first day we met.”

  “I know. But just the edges, and it was terrifying to do even that. I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t challenged me the way you had.”

  “So we’ll just go into the edges now. We don’t have to go any farther than you want.”

  She’d been staring at the trail disappearing into the trees, but now she glared up at him. “Why are you doing this? You know I have the phobia.”

  “I know.” His face was a little strange—set, as if he’d determined something he was going through with now. Maybe he’d planned this whole thing from the beginning. “But I love you, and I’m not okay with you just li
ving with something that cripples you like this. I want you to get better, and that means facing what you’re afraid of.”

  If he’d posed it in any other way, she would have refused. But there was no objection she could give to what he’d said.

  He did love her. She knew it. He wanted what was best for her. And if she didn’t even try to go into the woods right now—when he wanted her to get better—it would be like throwing his love back in his face.

  She couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do it.

  “Okay,” she mumbled, swallowing over her fear. “I’ll try. But I don’t think I’ll get very far. I’ve tried to force myself before, and I’ve never been able to do it.”

  “Just go as far as you can,” he murmured, stroking her back. “I’ll be right here with you.”

  “Okay.” She took a long, shaky breath. “Okay.”

  They walked slowly across the distance to the first of the trees, and Kelly’s fear intensified the closer they got. Caleb didn’t say anything, and she wasn’t capable of speaking when they got to the very edge.

  He stood beside her, and she knew he was watching her, but she couldn’t look at anything but the tangle of branches, broken only by the well-worn trail cutting through them.

  She’d tried before. The fear wasn’t something you could just talk yourself out of.

  But Caleb wanted her to do this. He wanted her to heal.

  And she wanted to heal too.

  So she took the first step past the border of the woods.

  Her vision blurred as panic spiraled up, and she reached out blindly toward Caleb beside her.

  She found his shirt and clung to it, fisting her fingers in the fabric, and he pressed his hand against her back again.

  “I’m right here,” he murmured. “Take another step.”

  She did as he said, her knees so weak she could feel them buckling. She wasn’t sure she could have even kept standing had Caleb not been beside her—strong and solid as she held on to him, as he braced her with his hand on her back.

  She kept walking, barely seeing what was in front of her. She was panting so loud it felt like it could be heard through the whole forest.

  Eventually she was so far in that she couldn’t see the end of the trail that led back out into the sunlight. It was nothing but trees and shadows and twisted memories and dark secrets hiding behind every trunk. All around her. Surrounding her. Swarming in on her.

  She choked on the fear and bent over at the waist, trying to draw in a full breath.

  Caleb was pulling her up, pulling her against him.

  “I can’t breathe,” she gasped, burying her face in his chest, trying to drown out the knowledge of the woods all around her.

  “Yes, you can,” he murmured. “Take a breath right now.”

  She did as he said and was surprised to feel air filling her lungs. She let it out in a gust and sucked in another breath. She was shaking helplessly and would have fallen if Caleb hadn’t been holding her up.

  Surely he would let her go back now. He wouldn’t want her to suffer like this.

  “Let’s go a little farther,” he said. “You’re doing fine.”

  “I’m not doing fine. I can’t.” She literally couldn’t make herself move.

  “Yes, you can. Walk with me.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and forced her to move with him, her legs barely keeping up with his stride.

  Then they were even deeper, and she couldn’t breathe again.

  She finally had to stop because her ears were roaring with fear and her feet were so cold she could no longer feel them. “Please don’t make me go any farther,” she gasped, collapsing against his chest.

  He felt strong and stable and confident, and she was none of those things. She was a blubbering mess who could barely even stand up.

  He kept his arms around her to support her, and he let her hide her face in his shirt for a minute. But then he pulled back and made her stand on her own. “What do you remember?” he asked.

  There was something strange about his face, something almost unnatural. She didn’t understand it, but her mind was such a tangle of desperation that she was probably projecting onto him.

  She knew what he was asking. He was still trying to help her. Trying to get her to face things she just couldn’t face.

  “I can’t,” she gasped, hugging her arms to her belly since he wouldn’t let her cling to him anymore. There were tears streaming down her face, but she had no idea where they’d come from.

  “Yes, you can. Tell me what you remember.”

  “I was…” She closed her eyes and squeezed herself with her arms. “I was with my dad. I’d run ahead. He was telling me to wait.”

  “And you wouldn’t wait?”

  “No. I didn’t listen to him. He finally had to yell at me.” She was practically sobbing now, bent over from the weight of the emotion, the memory, the crippling fear.

  “Then what?” Caleb’s voice sounded almost merciless, but that would have been a projection too.

  “Then I heard…I heard…”

  “What?”

  “A shot. A loud noise. I didn’t know what it was.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I waited for a long time. Then I went to find him.” She rubbed her ears and her nose with her sleeve, but there was nothing she could do to stop herself from crying.

  “What did you find?”

  “He was shot. His head was blown off. He was…” She choked. Literally choked. The force of the air strangled in her windpipe pushed her to the ground, and she kept gagging on her hands and knees in the dirt.

  “Take a breath, Kelly. Take a real breath.”

  She tried. She really tried. But she couldn’t. She just kept choking. She wanted Caleb to help her, to take her in his arms, to carry her out of the woods. But he didn’t.

  He just stood beside her, not making a move to touch her, and he said again, “Do it now, Kelly. Take a full breath.”

  Something in the authority of his voice triggered an innate instinct to breathe. Her throat relaxed enough for the next breath she attempted to work. Her lungs filled with air again, and the strangling eased in the aftermath.

  She stayed on her hands and knees on the dirt trail, as broken as she’d ever been in her life. But she could breathe again, so she did.

  “Tell me what happened to your father,” Caleb said, after giving her a minute to recover.

  “He was…he was shot. He was…he was killed.” With one last, desperate effort, she managed to stop herself from blurting out the whole truth, giving away her last hidden secret, the one she could never tell Caleb. She kept herself from saying he was murdered.

  “Why was he killed, Kelly?”

  She was sobbing helplessly, and she huddled down into the fetal position. If she didn’t get out of here soon, she was genuinely afraid she might die. She managed to remember the story she’d told Caleb before. “Hunting…accident.”

  She was too overwhelmed to sense anything from Caleb. He was just an unmoving presence nearby. But he felt strong in a way that contrasted sharply with how she was feeling herself, so she finally lifted her head and looked at him blindly. “Please, Caleb. Help me.”

  She heard a strange sound. A guttural sound that must have come from Caleb, although her mind wasn’t working enough to begin to process it.

  Then she was being lifted up to her feet.

  Her knees buckled immediately and she fell back down.

  “Damn it, Kelly,” he muttered. “Damn it all to hell.”

  She had no idea what he meant. What anything meant. She just reached out to him because she needed him, and he was right there beside her.

  He lifted her to her feet again, and this time he didn’t let her go. He swung her up into his arms, and he started to carry her back down the trail, out of the woods at last.

  She buried her face in his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him as tight as she could get. And then, finally, they were breaking out of th
e trees, back in the sunshine again. She expected him to set her down on the ground, now that they were out of the woods, but he didn’t. He carried her off the trail and down the hill and into a secluded little hollow out of sight where there was a stream and several large rocks.

  Only there did he lower her to the ground. He lowered himself too, sitting on the grass where he could lean against one of the rocks. He pulled her toward him, and she came willingly, taking comfort in him, in the sunshine, in the safety of the fresh air and clear sky.

  Eventually she stopped crying, but she couldn’t pull away from him. She felt so battered that she couldn’t move. She just lay in the grass with her head in his lap.

  He stroked her hair and didn’t say anything.

  She had no idea what he was thinking, but she was really glad he was here.

  After what felt like a really long time, her trembling had stopped and her tears had all dried. She still couldn’t raise her head, but she said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Caleb.”

  “What are you sorry about?” His voice sounded weird and cracked.

  She was sorry for everything. Absolutely everything.

  “I…” She couldn’t say it, not if she had any hope of making all of this worthwhile. “I tried to be strong enough, but I’m not.”

  He didn’t say anything. Just kept stroking her hair.

  “Maybe eventually I’ll be able to face it. Thank you.”

  “For what?” His voice still sounded strange, but everything seemed strange to her at the moment.

  She took a deep breath and managed to sit up at last. “For trying to help me. For caring about me that much.” She leaned toward him, reaching out to pull him into a hug.

  He returned it, his arms so tight they were almost painful.

  When they finally pulled apart, it didn’t feel like enough, so she pulled his head down into a kiss.

  “Thank you,” she murmured over his lips. “I love you, Caleb. I love you.”

  He made a hoarse sound and started to pull away.

  She didn’t let him. “I love you,” she said. “Please let me show you how much.”

  “How?” he breathed, their faces a breath apart, his brown eyes intense and questioning and almost wild. He stroked his knuckles down her hot cheek. “How will you show me?”