Loving Hearts

by Gail Gaymer Martin

  Her words sounded distant and uncaring. “It’s a small step,” he said.

  “I can’t give you more than that tonight. I’m confused and tired. I need time to think about my life and figure out what I want in it.” She rose. “I’ve enjoyed your company. We had business to do, and being amiable about it made it easier.”

  “Amiable? Wasn’t it a little more than amiable?” His hair prickled at the nape of his neck. Coming tonight had been a mistake. Ian could see they were getting nowhere…except perhaps digging the hole deeper.

  “I don’t know what I think.” She turned her back and looked away from him. “Maybe this is God validating my decision years ago. I should never have gotten so close to you, Ian.” She spun around to face him. “I let you go against my beliefs.”

  “You did what?” He heard his voice rise in pitch and volume. Anger had never been his friend. He didn’t know how to handle it, and he’d rarely experienced it with a woman. Maybe because he’d never loved a woman before.

  “I didn’t want to play that game. It went against everything I stand for. Honesty. Faithfulness to family. Confidence. I doubted myself and let you cause me to fall.”

  “Look. I apologized for my part in this thing, but I’m not going to grovel to make you see the truth.” He stepped back, unable to believe what had happened. “The charade was a joint venture. My idea. Your participation. I’ll sit in judgment for my part…but not for yours. Think about it, Esther.”

  Shocked at his own emotion, Ian felt tears rim his eyes. Why had this happened? He gave her one last look before opening the door. “No matter what you think, you’ve meant more to me than anything in the world.”

  He opened the door and stepped outside, trembling and depressed. He’d been so sure about his feelings for Esther. But now he needed time to think. Unless Esther loved him beyond all earthly troubles and concerns—for better or worse—a relationship would be impossible.

  Rachel entered his mind. He needed to do what she’d done. Turn his problem over to God.

  As he stepped from the porch, a cool breeze ruffled his collar, and he hurried to the car, forcing himself not to look back.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Esther sat at a red signal light, her thoughts writhing between her own problems and Rachel’s. The past week they’d talked daily and had dinner together two evenings. Both felt lonely and burdened with sadness. Though Jeff had called Rachel asking to see her, Rachel had only repeated her litany. It’s in God’s hands.

  But Esther? She’d stared at the telephone and jumped with each ring, only to hear Rachel or a telemarketer. Ian had not called since she’d sent him away.

  Esther turned right, heading for Rachel’s apartment, the problems weighing heavily on her thoughts. Today she and Rachel would talk with their father. They’d plotted their course and prayed to God to give them a gentle breeze and a calm sea.

  Her thoughts washed over her in nostalgia as images of Ian at the helm of Lady Day rose before her. He’d never renamed the boat as he’d wanted, and the recollection deepened her yearning. They’d spent lovely moments on the sailboat, and she was grateful for the new, brighter sailing memories…though now touched by a different kind of sadness. She missed Ian.

  Pulling into the lot, Esther parked and headed for the apartment building. The past days had been a heavenly gift. Indian summer. Gorgeous balmy, sun-filled days enveloped in burnished leaves.

  She wondered if Ian had put the boat into storage or if he were enjoying the sunshine with a last sail or two before the cold days of winter.

  Before Esther reached the outside door, Rachel appeared from the building and waved. Esther paused, waiting for her.

  “Nervous?” Esther asked.

  “A little. I hope Dad’s in a good mood.”

  Esther put her hand on her sister’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I prayed a lot about this.”

  “Me, too,” Rachel said, a chuckle mixed with her words.

  “Then let’s be positive.”

  Esther returned to the car, and Rachel slid into the passenger seat.

  “Jeff just called again,” Rachel said.

  “What did he say this time?” Esther kept her eyes on her driving and pulled out from the parking lot.

  Rachel shifted beneath her seat belt and faced Esther more directly. “He sounds different,” Rachel said. “Quieter and…more serious.”

  Esther glanced toward her sister. “And what does that mean?”

  “I don’t know, except he’s asked me to forgive him and tells me he loves me.”

  A sigh escaped Esther, imagining Jeff’s motives. “He has to be serious…not just sound serious. I guess that’s my only worry.”

  “I think he is. I really think so…but then I wonder if he’ll just go back to being the same pushy man. I’m so confused, Esther.”

  “Pray about it. That’s all you can do, and hopefully God will put the answer in your heart.”

  Rachel nodded and shifted straighter in her seat. “He sent me flowers,” she murmured, as if it was a private afterthought.

  Flowers? Esther had never received flowers from a man. A hush fell over the car while Esther pondered what she’d say to her father. She’d prayed often since she and Rachel had decided to confront him. She’d asked for God’s blessing on the impending discussion and for the right words. She’d put it in God’s hands.

  The house came into view, and Esther pulled into the driveway, her pulse increasing as the car slowed. Her father’s face appeared between the dining-room curtains. Seeing him, she sent another quick prayer to heaven.

  As they reached the porch, the door opened and her father’s smile greeted them. “Now, now. Both my girls at one time. This is an honor.” He pushed back the storm door, and Esther held it for Rachel to enter first.

  The word honor struck her like the backlash of a punching bag. She had to do this and still honor her father. Lord, grant me the right words. Her silent prayer soared to heaven as she closed the door behind her.

  She kissed her dad’s cheek and steered him into the living room. Rachel stood in the middle of the floor, tears already brimming in her eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” her father asked.

  “We have to talk,” Esther said. “Let’s sit.”

  Her father’s face flooded with mottled fear. He grasped the chair arms and sank into the cushion, his eyes shifting from her to Rachel and back.

  “Someone die?” he asked.

  “No. Only Rachel’s and my spirits. It’s your stubborn insistence, Dad.” She let the words flow from her mind to her throat. “Rachel and I love and honor you, but we’re hearing a different message from God than you are.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” her father said.

  “We need to share ideas about this marriage thing, Dad, and find the truth and our heavenly Father’s will in this mess.”

  Though his back had stiffened a moment, he sank against the chair with her last words.

  Rachel pulled out a Bible from her large shoulder bag. “I’ve been reading the Scriptures over and over, Dad.” She flipped open to a page she’d marked with a yellow sticky note. “See, right here.” She pointed. “The Lord says people need partners. Mates to pick them up when they fall or defend them when an enemy tries to hurt them.”

  “We all need friends,” her father said.

  “There’s more. Read this. Chapter four, verse eleven in Ecclesiastes.” She handed him the Bible.

  Her father took it from her and squinted at the words.

  “Read it out loud,” Rachel said.

  He gave her a scowl before doing as she asked. “‘Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?’” He peered at her. “What do you want me to say?”

  “Say that’s not a description of friendship,” she said, her voice reflecting her irritation. “Friends don’t sleep together. That’s God’s description of marriage.”

  Rachel took the Bible from
his hands. “I have more verses, Dad. You know them by heart. A man will leave his father and mother’s home and be united to his wife as one flesh. This Scripture has no regulations about who’s older than who.”

  Watching her father’s face, Esther stepped in. “Dad, you’ve already admitted that you were wrong saying your viewpoint was the Bible’s instruction.”

  She crossed the room, knelt beside him and rested her forehead on his hand clamped to the chair arm. “Two people love each other and want to marry. God’s will is what counts.” She lifted her gaze to his, praying for God to be with her. “We can’t manipulate that. If God has led Rachel to the man she should marry before I’ve made that decision, you’re foiling God’s will by demanding she wait.”

  Rachel burst into tears. “It doesn’t even matter anymore, Dad. Jeff and I aren’t seeing each other.”

  Her father’s head bolted upward. “No. You don’t mean that.”

  “She does,” Esther said. “I’m not seeing Ian, either.”

  Disappointment flooded his face. “But…he was a good man, Esther. You looked happy together.” He shifted his gaze to Rachel. “I’d longed to see you girls happy with a worthy man. Your mother and I shared so many wonderful years…and I miss her so much.”

  A mist of tears pooled in his eyes. “I’d only hoped to see both of you married and happy. I wanted your mother to enjoy some grandchildren…but God had other plans there.” He took a swipe at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I thought that if Rachel married…Esther would never come out of her shell….”

  “We know what you thought, Dad,” Esther said, “but it’s not fair to Rachel or to me.”

  “It’s not,” he said, his head drooping, his eyes focused at the floor. “I’m sorry. I pray God forgives me and you—”

  “God forgives us, Daddy,” Rachel said, slipping an arm around her father’s shoulders. “And we forgive you, too. We just want you to let us live our lives.”

  “Your mother’s probably up in heaven shaking her fist at me…and all I wanted was to see both of you as content as your mother and I were.”

  “We will be, Dad,” Esther said. “In our own way.”

  He looked at them with sorrowful eyes. “No hope to patch things up for either of you?”

  “It’s in God’s hands, Daddy,” Rachel said. “So far, the Lord’s handling things better than I ever did alone, so you never know.”

  Esther didn’t comment. Her hopes had faded, and at this moment she didn’t see any shining possibilities. She’d thought Ian would call her the day after their argument, but he hadn’t, and the more she reviewed the angry words she’d flung at him, the more she wondered if she even deserved a man as good as Ian. Questions without answers marched through her head. She needed to think…and pray.

  Her dad tilted his head upward, shifting his gaze from one to the other. “Would you girls go to church with me tomorrow?”

  “Sure, Daddy,” Rachel said. “That’ll be nice.” But her voice was soft, and Esther knew her mind was still tangled with Jeff and their situation.

  Without hesitation, Esther nodded, knowing church was where she needed to be. She also realized she and Rachel had more things to settle before they left their father’s house.

  Rachel opened the door, her pulse pounding as she looked at Jeff.

  “Thanks for letting me come over,” he said, his hand clutching the storm door frame.

  Rachel stepped back, longing to throw her arms around his neck, yearning to kiss his sad face. Though she’d agreed to his visit, she’d promised herself not to say a word about the talk with her father. She needed to know Jeff loved her and would stick by her in times of trial as well as happiness. Would he pick her up when she fell? Protect her against an enemy? Keep her warm, even when she angered him? Stifled by confusion, Rachel felt her words jam against her throat.

  Instead, she gestured, and Jeff stepped toward a chair. When he sat, she studied him a moment, his reddish-blond hair windblown and his gaze shy and uncertain. Her heart stirred at the look of loneliness in his eyes.

  “Thanks for the flowers,” she said finally. “They’re beautiful.”

  “Not as beautiful as…” His words died away.

  She knew he wanted to say as beautiful as you, but he didn’t, and she understood. This wasn’t time for flattery, but time for truth.

  “You wanted to talk,” she said.

  Leaning with his elbows against his knees, his eyes focused on his feet, he said, “I’ve done a lot of thinking, Rachel.” He lifted his head slightly, enough for his gaze to meet hers. “And I’ve been praying.”

  Praying? He rarely talked about prayer. Was this one of his coy attempts to make her think he’d changed? She gave him a questioning look.

  “I’ve given a lot of thought to what you said, and you’re right,” he said.

  Her skin prickled with his admission, but uncertainty still pushed away her desire to trust him. “I’m right?”

  “You know I’m not much of a Bible reader. I listen to the verses in church. I didn’t grow up with a family who took much stock in religion, but I did read the Bible later…on my own. Even more since I met you.”

  She didn’t know where he was headed, but she listened.

  “Anyway…I’m not saying what I mean.” He dragged in a breath and released it. “I’m nervous.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you so much and I’m losing you.”

  His plaintive statement rippled through her chest and settled in her heart. “Jeff, you know I’ve loved you. You’re the only man I’ve been with…forever, it seems, but we’re looking at life differently. I can’t—”

  “Let me finish,” he said, dangling his clasped hands between his knees and leaning forward as if trying to be as near as his distance would allow. “Being away from you these past days has helped me weigh what’s important in life. And what’s important is you. Life is nothing without you. It’s an empty void.”

  Looking at the pleading in his face, Rachel caught her breath.

  “My understanding of the Bible isn’t as strong as yours, but my faith is. I trust that God makes all things happen for good. In my heart, I think we’re good…together.” Jeff rose and knelt at Rachel’s side. “If I can’t have you now as a wife, then I want you to be my best friend. And the woman I’ll marry when the time is right.”

  The meaning sank into her thoughts, gentle and weightless like a feather on the wind. “Are you saying you’ll wait?”

  He grasped her hands. “If necessary, I’ll wait forever. Being with you is a thousand times better than being without you. Marriage will happen in God’s time. I believe that with every bone in my body.”

  Rachel struggled to control her emotions. Tears bubbled behind her eyes and surged forward to be freed.

  “Please forgive me for my impatience. I love you and always will.”

  Her tears won the battle, streaming from her eyes and dripping to his hands clasping hers. “I forgive you, Jeff. I hope you forgive me for not being more understanding.”

  He rose and drew her from the chair into his embrace. “Love forgives everything,” he whispered.

  His lips lowered to hers and she clung to him, feeling secure and content for the first time since he’d been gone. She eased back, gazing into his concerned eyes. “I love you. Heart and soul.”

  She felt him fumble in his shirt pocket, and she inched back to see what he was doing. Catching a glint of flashing color, she knew he’d brought back the engagement ring in hope that she’d accept it.

  “Will you take back the ring? Keep it somewhere until you can wear it? I promise not to bug you about it.”

  She lifted her hand and extended it toward him. “Would you put it on my finger?”

  With uncertainty he studied her face, then did as she asked.

  The ring glinted fire in the lamplight, but her love burned with greater intensity. “I’ll never take it off.”

  A puzzled look grew
on his face. “But—”

  “Daddy’s resigned himself, Jeff. I can marry whenever I want with his blessing. And I want to…as soon as we can plan a wedding.”

  He didn’t speak, but gaped at her and for a moment his mouth moved without words. “But…I don’t understand. How did you do it?”

  “I didn’t,” she said, tiptoeing to reach his lips. “God did.”

  Esther crumpled onto her sofa, her mind pitching like a small boat in a storm. Earlier she’d attended church as her father had asked, and lingering in her memory was how Rachel’s lovely ring had glinted in the church’s soft lighting. God had answered her sister’s prayer.

  While admiring the engagement ring, her father had accepted the inevitable and kissed Rachel’s cheek, giving her his blessing. She and Jeff had invited him for dinner that evening to celebrate.

  Esther wasn’t celebrating. She sat alone, tormented by memories and pervaded with longing. Disbelief pressed against her heart. She knew Ian had been hurt and angry, but she’d prayed he would call or drop by again. He hadn’t.

  She rose, headed for the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Pulling a cup from the cabinet, she dropped a tea bag into it and leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil.

  The house droned with silence and loneliness. She strode to her office doorway and looked at the chair where Ian had sat…it seemed too long ago.

  It had taken forever to admit feelings for him, even to herself. Yet, looking at the empty chair, the empty room, she could barely remember her life without Ian. Being without him seemed impossible.

  As she turned back to the kitchen, the doorbell jangled. Gooseflesh rose up her arms. Sunday afternoon. It wouldn’t be a door-to-door solicitor. Rachel had plans. It had to be Ian. Her heart rushed to her throat as she darted for the door.

  She flung it open, and her heart sank to her toes.

  “Hi,” her neighbor from across the street, Annie O’Keefe, said, holding a florist’s package. The woman had a jacket over her shoulders, and the wind whipped it back, nearly taking it to the ground. She grasped her wrap with one hand and balanced the bouquet with the other. “This was delivered this morning. You weren’t home, I guess.”