Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  I shook my head, pulling her to me by her ass. “You.” I kissed her lips. “You were the best gift.”

  Shyly, her eyes fell again. “Thanks, Ashton,” she offered tightly.

  “Ah!” I lifted her chin. “So she does know the expression.” Tori rolled her eyes, making me chuckle again. “Muriel’s gonna be calling us for dinner soon. Let’s open this last one.” I tugged her roughly behind me toward the tree.

  It pleasured me to fuck with Tori McNabb. I handed her the bag. With a little delay, Tori cooperated, pulling out the box then opening it.

  “A necklace.” She unsnapped the clip to relieve the gold chain and held it in the air, viewing the pendant. It was an engraved half a heart. “Champ human,” she whispered. I turned it over so she could see the other fine script on the back. “Sexy human.” Her eyes met mine. “Why just a half?”

  I pulled my chain from beneath my neck. “Don’t be selfish,” I murmured, grabbing my pendant.

  “Ruined human,” she read aloud. I turned it to the other side. “Better human?” Tori questioned.

  My head jerked in a shrug. “I think that’s what I’m becoming, thanks to you. At least, I hope to.”

  “Why are you ruined?” Her eyes bounced between mine.

  I tapped her forehead to answer that question. Then I took the chain from her to clasp at the back of her neck.

  “Why do you need to be better?”

  I grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers. “You’ve made me see beauty in shit I never paid attention to. You help me look deeper into people—or at least you—to understand I don’t know shit about life. You make me look for beauty and hope in everything I see. That’s what I wish for you and hope you learned this semester.”

  “What?”

  “To hope. Life’s quite miserable when you’re hopeless. When you have zero expectations of it. What do you wake up and look to do? What’s the purpose of your life, your creation? Why did God allow you to pass into the earth?”

  Her head shook as her focus dropped to my chest. “To box, I think.”

  I lifted her chin. “That’s the gift He gave you—possibly a means to making a living, if you’re smart with it. But there’s so much more to your purpose than fighting. There are so many things to hope for.”

  Tori shook her head again, tears pooling in her eyes. “I don’t know how to hope.”

  “You don’t truly know how to live.”

  “I do. I’m breathing.”

  “You’re existing, not thriving. Not trusting, not exploring.”

  “I don’t like to be seen,” she whispered, voice void of bass. “Sue me.”

  Chest to chest and knee to knee, we were too close to do anything more than breathe our words.

  I kissed her forehead, gathering her fingers to intermingle with mine. “You’re existing mutedly. It’s your thing. I wish I had another semester to help you find your voice. Your hope.”

  Her brows narrowed. “But you’re coming back. To BSU. You’re coming back.”

  “Not as a student. My paper will be done in less than a week. In fact, if you didn’t come home with me for break, it would have miserably been completed by now. When we go back next week, I go straight into training. We may not even run into each other on the sports complex. I’ll be separated from everyone, training like hell for a month, then I’m off to the Combine, then what comes after.”

  “I won’t see you,” she surmised.

  “Not without intention, no.”

  The flow of carol melodies danced around us. I’d never felt as connected anyone as I did this girl in the moment. It was deeper than sex. I was crossing into a dangerous headspace with her. Yet I wanted no brakes, no safety equipment.

  “What are you thinking about?” I snorted. “The next nigga you’ll ruin in the spring?”

  Her head lifted so she could peer into my eyes. Then I felt her hand at my crotch. “This.”

  “For what?”

  “To say thank you—and don’t say I can’t. It’s what I want to do. I don’t mind with you.” The muscles around her eyes tightened, but Tori didn’t cry. “I like it…with you.”

  I grabbed her head and kissed her savagely. My tongue moved wildly, freely. Greedily. And she let me. I licked all over her tongue, making her taste mine. This girl drove me wild.

  My belt was unbuckled, then button undone, and zipper pulled down. Tori’s hand pushed beneath my boxers and I lost my breath. She was awkward with her movements, yet bold. And I was here for it all. Anything Tori brought to me, I’d take it.

  She left my mouth and slowly lowered herself, watching me watch her. Pressure coiled in my damn stomach in anticipation, dick throbbing with sudden need. Her head bowed and my eyes closed in wait.

  “I don’t think that’s the way we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in this house.” I could recognize that plummy ringing under sixty feet of water.

  Tori leaped in the air, and quickly, I grabbed her to my chest protectively. I turned her so my back could be to my unexpected guest.

  “And have you been keeping up with the quarterly reports?” my grandmother asked, cutting into the lamb on her plate. “That Jimmy told me he’s been trying to push you to tend to it.”

  I loosened my lips to speak over the bountiful Christmas tabletop of my dining room table. It was overcrowded, and not from the food. With just Tori, me, and my grandmother, there was one person too many here.

  How the fuck did she creep up on me like this?

  Oh. I remembered how. No one said a word about her coming to dinner tonight.

  “As you can imagine, I’ve had my hands full landing my final semester of college.”

  “Landing?” she chirped, peering down the table for ten. Her glasses were low on her nose, hair styled into a sleek bun. Her favorite. “I don’t think that’s an accurate description of how you spent this last semester.” Her eyes swept over to Tori.

  Tori, like me, pretended to move food around her plate since we served ourselves. That was a whole half-ass hour ago.

  “I was the franchise quarterback at a top division one institution, Nana. My obligations exceeded throwing a ball and studying. I had press, social engagements on behalf of the university, mentoring obligations…”

  “And Ms. Cooper,” she added when I hesitated. Once again, she turned her regard on Tori. “Did you forget that when you forgot to complete the paper, dear? From what she’s told me, you’ve been unrecognizable. And here, I sit across from you and can understand. You’ve been home for days and haven’t had the decency to check in with me.”

  “I’ve explained this already, Nana. I’ve been decompressing.”

  “And apparently, not alone.” She leaned into the table. “Where did you say you’re from, young lady?”

  I could see Tori swallow nervously before she uttered, “Millville.”

  “Where is that?” she asked with authoritative expectancy.

  “South Jersey.”

  “And you don’t think Christmas is a day to spend with your family? What decent mother allows her daughter to leave the house on the day of the Savior’s birth to visit a boy at such a distance?”

  “I asked her to, Nana.” I pulled on the last thread of patience I had.

  “You could have asked anyone to visit you today, including Aivery,” my grandmother argued. “But you didn’t. You asked this young woman, and all I’m asking is why?”

  “Because we’re friends.”

  “Friends don’t do what I walked in on forty-five minutes ago, my dear.” The fuck? “Not even married men and women. You know who do? Paid companions.”

  Tori’s head bounced back, and I wanted to slap the fucking table. “You’re being especially rude to my guest right now.”

  “I’m not the one for you to take that tone with, young man.” She dropped her utensils. “You’ve grown into something so familiar. You know that? You’re resembling your father’s reckless and stubborn behavior, and it’s breaking my heart.”
/>   I took a deep breath, eyes rolling to the ceiling. This was the bullshit my mother had been telling me to squash for years now. It was my grandmother’s control. Her wielding of power. I cut myself loose from it emotionally, but never let her know. As far as she knew, I had just distanced myself from her physically.

  “It is never my intent to break your heart, Nana, but I don’t wish to be berated over a minor setback. It’s not like this happens often for me.”

  “It doesn’t,” she agreed. “You’re a good boy, Ashton Spencer. I will not have you waste away your talents on a field, running a foolish ball. You don’t need to entertain people for a living. Your future—your legacy—has already been laid for you. You just need grooming to take over. What about that is so hard to understand, my love?” Her little hands flung into the air, fingernails their typical burgundy shade. “Your mother and I have never seen eye-to-eye, but I’m willing to bet she’s disappointed in your poor choices, too.”

  “I can’t tell you how she feels, Nana, because she’s stretched out in a lounge chair, on a cruise, enjoying her life while I’m here, making the best of mine.”

  “A private cruise you pay for year after year with your father’s legacy. One you will not have full access to at the appointed time if you don’t get a hold of some focus and learn the business.”

  This is enough…

  I tossed my napkin onto my untouched plate. “My father created a legacy, Nana. If you choose not to obey his wishes with it, I would be the fool for not creating my own. Football is how I’ll do just that. Now, if you can’t respect my wishes, I’m not sure where we’ll meet in the middle.”

  This time, my grandmother’s head cocked back as though she’d been struck by my hand. She used her napkin to wipe apparent tears racing down her face.

  “Robert would never speak to me that way, Ashton Spencer. Never!” Her voice wobbling. My grandmother took a moment to gather herself, then stood from the table. “You are not an endearing young man. Ms. Cooper has said it, that Jimmy feels it, and now I see it for myself. The three people you need for your bright future are not the ones you want to do right by.” She tossed her gaze to Tori. “It’s clear to me you care more about strangers than the people accountable to you. I will not stand to be disrespected. I’m not sure how your mother deals with your ugliness, but I will not tolerate it one bit.”

  She left the table, heading toward the door of the dining room with her chin in the air. “I will await your apology, and when you do give it to me, I’ll expect it to be accompanied by a full report on the company for this year. Until then, you will not hear from me, Ashton Spencer.” And she was out. “Muriel!” she cried from the hall, calling for her things so she could leave.

  I sat, weighted in my seat, imprecisely hearing her departure. Embarrassed and even more, angry, my head remained hung. I tried calming myself internally, not recalling the last time I’d been this heated. Before I knew it, I was lost in venomous thoughts. I should have cursed her miserable ass the fuck out. She only wanted to make me the son she couldn’t have in my father. I didn’t need her or Jimmy. And his punk ass... How could he coordinate with a woman who didn’t view him as a man or a woman? She referred to him as “that Jimmy,” preferring to accept him as an inconvenient existence rather than a human being. Even I had more respect for him than that.

  “Are you okay, Ashton?” Muriel was at my side, eyes heavy with regret. “I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t know she was coming. She called this morning, asking if you requested dinner today and what time. I asked if she was coming, but her answer was her cook was preparing food for her today.”

  I nodded, dismissing her. I didn’t want Muriel bearing the burden of my grandmother’s sneaky control. “We’re done in here.”

  “Of course,” she gasped. “I’ll start clearing the table.”

  When she left the dining room, I sucked in a fortifying breath and finally mustered the balls to look Tori’s way in what felt like an eternity. “So…” Her long-face expression lifted from her lap. “You up for a change of scenery?”

  Her eyes squinted in confusion. “Where to?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” My mouth twisted and shoulder lifted. “Somewhere in the fuckin’ mountains for a few days, maybe?” The visual came as soon as the words left my mouth.

  I wanted out of here.

  Now.

  Tori angled her head, not declining. “You sure?”

  “Very.” I stood from the table. “Let’s go pack up.”

  The Jacuzzi water was nice and toasty, and the skyline from the deck of the cabin took my breath away.

  Shit…

  I giggled into my free hand, the other held a champagne glass. I actually said that take my breath away shit in my head. Since when? Was I turning BSU or what? That’s what happened when spending way too much time with Ashton Spencer. He was a reader, something I’d learned during this Christmas break. It made sense: Ashton was hella smart. Not only did he like Black porn—another discovery made since being here, in upstate New York—but he spent lots of time quiet and reading.

  It was close to midnight on New Year’s Eve, and we were due to leave in the morning for school. This village was gorgeous. It wasn’t packed with people at every turn, and I didn’t see many Blacks like at BSU. As crazy as it sounded, I could only see Ashton hanging out in places where only Blacks could be found. We spent the past few days working out, eating at different restaurants, and even exploring rum. There were two small distilleries up here and we toured their facilities, learning how it’s made. We sampled so many flavors and learned how to make cocktails using it. That was mad fun! We weren’t even carded. I couldn’t believe it.

  Yesterday, after days of convincing, Ashton helped me suit up for skiing, but couldn’t get me out on the slopes. I froze up in the scariest way. After a while, he went without me and I was content waiting on him in the warm, safe lounge. They served the best hot cocoa. And tonight, after dinner at an authentic Ethiopian restaurant—my first experience—we’d been inside the outdoor Jacuzzi in, about, twenty-degree wintery temps, reading Tyler Thomas’ latest book. Actually, Ashton read to me. He’d already read the whole thing and was reading highlights to me about institutional racism. He got a call, and took it inside the cabin.

  I pulled the champagne glass to my mouth and nothing came out. Shocked, I glanced down and found it was empty. Another giggle burst through my lips. I was blissfully tipsy. Champagne was good. Too good. Of course, I wanted more. I didn’t feel like getting out of the heated water for more, though. Even if I wasn’t butt-ass naked, I wouldn’t break the insulated comfort I was in. The nude soaking thing was Ashton’s idea again. I had no clue as to why he liked it, but like with so many other firsts lately, I didn’t mind doing it…with him.

  Humming, I admired the view of the beautiful city below. Stars, white lights, and foggy skies. The deck was warmed just a little by heating lamps Ashton lit. There were lounge chairs, tables, and even a fire pit made from a concrete bowl. We made smores on it our second night here.

  Another first…

  The door slid open, and out came Ashton. Dick swinging against his thigh, he took long lunges toward the Jacuzzi holding a bottle of champagne and his phone. He placed the Blackberry on the floor, near a lounger, then made a dash for the Jacuzzi. Water sloshed all around, but he managed to safely deliver the bubbly, pouring it into my glass without me asking. I fell into a giggling fit, another new thing about me. I laughed a lot with this guy.

  “You’re drunk?”

  Covering my mouth, I shook my head. What I found funny, I had no idea, but it was something. “No! This is only my third glass.”

  “Good. Drunk fucking is only good when both parties are smashed.”

  “Have you ever had drunk sex?” I gulped down delicious champagne, dying for the answer.

  As he poured himself a glass, he answered, “I’ve had lots of types of sex, some of which I’d love to try with you.”

  “
We have all night—” I slapped my mouth, not expecting those words to fall from it.

  Ashton’s head snapped back, brows met, and that cute, worldly smirk shaped his lips. “Word, Nabby-girl? You know, I’ll hold you to that.”

  I wanted him to. Shit, I wanted him, too. I was so horny. That wasn’t something I knew how to easily communicate without jumping on him. While Ashton was a big guy, I was no dainty ballerina. I could hurt us if not careful.

  “Was the call important?”

  After taking a long draw from his glass, Ashton blew out a breath. “Hell yeah.” He lowered himself into the water until it met his neckline. “My agent. He’d just gotten off with A.D. Jones and wanted me to know all was clear for my training to start in three days. The trainers have been booked and their housing’s been settled.”

  “Damn. That was fast.”

  He nodded. “Yup. That’s what money can get you.”

  “I’m sure your Nana ain’t happy about that.” Referencing that woman left a bitter taste on my tongue. She was cruel.

  “Who you telling?” he murmured, gazing out to the gorgeous sky. “She and Jimmy are cutting the check, though. But it’s only for two months. It’ll be over before we all know it.”

  “So, just three days and then I won’t be seeing you.”

  He scoffed his cool Ashton Spencer way. “It won’t be nearly as often as last semester. But you’ll see me. I made sure of it.”

  Confused, I dropped the glass from my mouth when I was about to take another sip. “Huhn?”

  “Huhn what?” He wouldn’t look at me.

  “How did you make sure of it?”

  “By not finishing that stupid ass paper.” His eyes traveled over to me.

  Wait… “Why?”

  His head slanted. “I said why.”

  But…

  He couldn’t have. It didn’t make any sense. Why would he not hand in the paper because of me?

  “You’re crazy.” I decided to go with the mood.

  I didn’t believe Ashton would jeopardize his career for me, but if he wanted to impress me with words instead of his usual cockiness, I was good with it.