When Colour Became Grey

by A Lorenzen

  You are thinking just like them, I thought to myself.

  You are one of us, the voice responded.

  NO!

  * * *

  Two weeks passed but my condition did not improve. On the contrary, I could hardly concentrate. Nothing was a distraction anymore. I could not sleep. When I tried to read, I would read the same page over and over again without actually understanding anything. All I could clearly hear was Blake’s heart throbbing in my ears and the whooshing of the blood circulating in his veins. It drove me crazy!

  Whenever he trained with Holly, I had to leave the house. The two hearts beating rapidly made my mouth water. I could not risk being around them.

  Once again, I was walking outside, trying to escape the horrible desire building in my stomach. My legs kept drumming on, but it was not enough to keep the rest of my body occupied. My mind begged me to search for molochs. It wasn’t long before my ears picked up on sounds that were all too familiar. Fear rose inside me. I knew what would happen next.

  NO!

  I commanded my legs to walk on. I tried to make myself deaf to the welcoming sounds of molochs. But it was useless. The thirst overpowered me. I had abstained for too long; I couldn’t control it anymore. I wanted it so bad. There was nothing else I could think about.

  My senses searched for prey. My primal brain had taken over, completely crushing the rational human mind aside. I followed the noise. Their snarls and their scent always gave them away.

  It wouldn’t take me long to locate the group.

  I ran as swiftly as I could towards the noise, the anticipation of the kill growing. It was as if I could taste the blood in my mouth already! Jumping over several fences, the sounds of the three molochs increased steadily. There was a beauty in their complete obliviousness to their imminent doom.

  They were close now. I slowed down and let my ears guide me. Eagerly I hurried towards the small street where they were yapping at each other. Inhaling, I could smell they had fed recently. My excitement peaked.

  With two quick strides I snuck up to the first one and twisted its head completely around. The body fell limply to the ground. Before the body reached the ground, the two other molochs jumped at me. One swung out its arm, but I caught it in time and ripped it out of its socket. The last one went for my thigh and sunk its teeth in. I swung the body of the second moloch against the third and both crashed to the ground.

  The second moloch lunged at me, aiming with its one remaining arm for my face. Instantly, I moved to the side and got my gun out. With one bullet it was dead. The third made a run for it but a bullet later it was lying lifeless in the street. I had wanted to kill them by hand, but the urge was so strong I needed it to be over quickly.

  Desperately, I leant over the nearest moloch and dug two fingers into the wound in its chest. They disappeared into my mouth and the blood quickly entered my system. I continuously dipped my index and middle finger in the red liquid spilling out of the wound and licked it off my fingers. The feeling of ecstasy built, taking me away from my pain. All connections in my brain were formed again; all of Caleb’s manipulations were erased; I was myself again. The gnawing addiction stilled as I caved into it. It was peaceful and quiet in my mind.

  Too soon the flow of blood from the wound slowed. I didn’t want to dig around the moloch’s inner organs. I crawled to the next one and scooped up the blood and let it drip into my mouth, rolling my head back and opening my mouth wide. The high was now full-on. I was almost lifted out of my own body. My senses were heightened. This was too good to ever stop, even if I wanted to. I would not be able to. And I didn’t care.

  Within minutes I had swallowed enough blood to satisfy my thirst. The thrill of the kill and subsequent reward fuelled my high further. It was almost too much to bear for a human body. With the back of my hand I wiped my mouth, smearing blood across my face and hands. I leaned back against the building wall and enjoyed the tingling in my veins. The pumping of the blood through my body made a rhythmic distribution of the ecstasy. The peak slowly descended into a state of complete satisfaction. Just like after orgasm, that feeling of fulfilment with a pinch of exhaustion. Though this did not feel like an orgasm, the build-up, climax and following satisfaction followed the same pattern.

  When I stood up, my knees were still weak from the sudden rush of hormones. At the same time, I felt stronger and more powerful than before, as if I had absorbed energy through the blood. It made me laugh out loud. This was far better than any earthly drugs. No human or ghost could possibly experience this feeling of power and undeniable superiority accompanied with incredible satisfaction and happiness.

  I breathed in the air deeply when I realized someone was watching me. I froze in place. The person was standing in front of a streetlight. Their silhouette looked like a sombre shadow. The colours in my vision had been replaced with greys.

  Carefully, I took a few steps closer. Breathing in deeply I smelled the person standing a good fifty yards away; the smell was familiar.

  As I came closer, I recognized the smell. I continued to approach until I was close enough to see his face. His eyes were filled with disappointment. They glistened in the streetlight with anger and sadness. After all these months my disgusting secret had been discovered. My high descended into distress.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I muttered. The shame overtook all feelings of satisfaction.

  Blake halfway rolled his eyes and I could see tears in them. ‘Is this why you killed Jesper?’

  I nodded. The look in his eyes cut right through my heart.

  ‘And why you attacked me?’

  Again, I nodded. My eyes were starting to sting. ‘It… it started with just one drop and… and it made me feel good-’ a sob rattled through me mid-sentence. ‘I kept going and the feeling got better and I- I tried to stop but- but… it was too- hard’

  The realization of how much the blood had affected me suddenly hit like a train at high speed. It had been so innocent at first. All it did was make me feel good, closer to the life I had lost. Soon it had taken over. It had changed who I was…

  ‘Why didn’t you come to me?’ Blake’s voice broke and more tears welled up in my eyes.

  ‘I… I… I-was ashamed,’ I whispered.

  Blake inhaled sharply and brushed his hand over his eyes. ‘Oh Meerah this is really bad,’ he admitted in a low voice.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  Blake took me into his arms and we both cried. For a moment the world disappeared and we were the only ones there.

  Something between us started vibrating. I detached myself from Blake. He reached into his jacket and answered the phone. My ears were sharp from the moloch blood and I heard the conversation.

  ‘Let’s go,’ he said, trying to sound like his usual self again. Once again, this world had not given me more than a few seconds to catch my breath, before demanding my full attention again. This was a never-ending fight.

  As we approached the house, I could sense Caleb’s distress in the air. Even Blake seemed to feel it. He threw me a worried look.

  ‘He knows, doesn’t he?’ I whispered.

  He didn’t answer and to be honest, he didn’t need to. I was certain he knew. When we arrived at the front of the house, I could see him glued to the window. The moment he saw us, he disappeared and came running out the front door moments later.

  ‘Caleb be careful, you might be seen!’ Blake rushed towards him annoyed. He eyed the street but there was no one. Blake ushered him up the stairs and I followed.

  ‘Children,’ Caleb said, barely able to formulate words. ‘Something has happened!’ He reached the top of the steps and looked like he was on speed.

  ‘I know you are worried but-’ I tried to reason with him, but what could I tell him? That it would be ok? How would I know?

  ‘Children, we have to evacuate.’

  That was a bit drastic… and how would we evacuate anyway? Evacuate where? Out of this world?

  Blake grabbed my arm befor
e I could respond. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked Caleb.

  ‘The witches – they will try a spell in just a few hours and… it could go wrong so we… we need to be prepared!’ Caleb was completely scattered.

  ‘What are you talking about? What witches?!’

  Blake’s eyes were fixed on Caleb. ‘Go back to our human lives?’ he asked in disbelief.

  Caleb reached for Blake’s shoulders. ‘Yes, nothing is guaranteed but… if it goes wrong then… yes.’

  My head was spinning. I stumbled backwards and let myself fall into the chair behind me. This could not be happening. Seeing my family after all this time? I could finally escape this terrible world, go back to my innocent life!

  But…

  ‘Going back home?’ Blake’s voice trembled.

  No.

  This could not be happening. Not now, not now…

  ‘Do you think it will work? What the witches are trying to do?’

  Caleb shrugged with his shoulders. ‘I don’t know, but they have been wrong in the past and I don’t want you to miss this opportunity!’ The glow and excitement in Caleb’s eyes were illuminating the room.

  ‘I can’t.’

  Caleb turned his gaze away from Blake to look at me. ‘My child you have been waiting for this since you got here! Why would you not leave now that you have the chance?’

  ‘She’s right,’ Blake concurred. ‘She can’t.’

  Caleb sensed something was wrong. I could not bring myself to tell him.

  ‘Look at her eyes,’ Blake whispered, looking at the floor.

  The closer Caleb got to me the more he frowned, trying to see something. I couldn’t look at him and averted my eyes. Caleb kneeled down to eye level and reached with his hand for my chin. Tears were in my eyes and I closed them when he turned my face towards him, dragging out the inevitable.

  Eventually, I opened my eyes and let him see. Faded colours had started to reappear in my sight. I knew my pupils were still cat-like.

  Caleb looked at me, his face so close to mine I could see the individual pores on his forehead. His emotions spilled over into me. Wonder, anger, disappointment, hurt…

  He let go and leant backwards, away from me, his eyes still inspecting me. ‘Tell me what you’ve done.’ He rose to his feet and turned his back to me.

  The weight of his authority pushed down on me. I could feel myself sinking further into the chair.

  ‘I… I have been drinking… mo-moloch blood,’ I said under my breath, hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

  ‘For how long?’ his voice boomed disapprovingly.

  A sob shook through me. ‘Several months’

  ‘And why would you do such a horrible thing?!’

  ‘Because it… made me feel good,’ I admitted.

  Caleb paused. He turned around and eyed me suspiciously. Apparently, he had not expected that response. ‘It makes you… feel good?’ he repeated.

  ‘Yes, it makes me feel good,’ I repeated.

  Caleb paused again. He was puzzled, looking at the floor, thinking. ‘It… it shouldn’t,’ he said. He folded his hands behind his back and started pacing slowly around the table, his face frowning. ‘This… this is not normal…’

  ‘Is she turning into a moloch?’ Blake inquired.

  Caleb looked up but not at him. Then, he shook his head and started pacing again. ‘No, no, not moloch… something else…’

  The confusion in my head pushed away the crying and sobbing. Was I becoming something else? That could not be! This was an addiction like drugs or alcohol! Yes, it changed me a bit but not my essential existence! People taking drugs were not transforming into goats. This was nonsense!

  Eventually, Caleb stopped pacing and looked at the two of us. ‘We don’t have time for this. Blake, go pack your things. We need to get Holly and then get into position!’

  I got up but Caleb’s eyes made me stop in my tracks.

  ‘You.’ He grabbed me by my arms. ‘You can’t go back to the human world. It is too dangerous.’

  I knew he was right but being so close and yet so far from my family was tearing me apart. ‘I just stay here?’

  Caleb thought about it for a moment. Then his face changed. ‘No, I will take you to the woods, where the werewolves live.’

  ‘The… the werewolves? First witches and now werewolves?’

  ‘You will have to be careful. I think you are changing into something dark and they hunt vampires. But it is the only way. You will have to learn to deal with whatever is inside you!’

  ‘No, no, no, Caleb, I’m not changing into a moloch! I’m just addicted that’s all! Caleb I can stop!’ I could feel the panic rising. The slingshot around my throat tightened.

  ‘It’s too late my child, too late to go back. We do not have a lot of time. I cannot explain everything. I will take you to the woods. You will need to learn to control your urges. I will come and visit you in a while and when you’re ready, I will get you back to your family.’

  I shook my head and closed my eyes. ‘Caleb this is not making any sense!’

  ‘I know.’ He brushed strands of hair out of my face.

  When I looked at him, I saw love mixed with sadness in his eyes. Blake was coming down the stairs now, a small backpack in his hand.

  ‘We must go!’ Caleb turned away from me and hurried down the stairs out to the car.

  Numbly I walked into my bedroom and reached for my jacket and a backpack. The only items I threw into it were a few sets of clean clothes, some loose pictures of loved ones, a knife and my phone and charger. What the hell was I going to do to in the woods?!

  I heard shouting outside. I assumed it was Blake and Caleb. Without looking back a second time, I hurried out of my room and left my life as a ghost behind. Every step I took I realized I was walking away from all the fighting, all the monsters, all the bad memories, only to walk into another world that was filled with other monsters and more fighting. If I had not been so stupid, I could be going home now…

  The muffled voices got louder with each step closer to the front door. To think that it could have all ended now… How did Caleb know about this spell?

  When I opened the door, I saw Blake and Caleb arguing aggressively.

  ‘You do not know, boy!’ Caleb shouted at him, spitting the last word out as an insult.

  ‘Neither do you! What makes you think you could even get her out of the Territories? The wolves will hunt you too!’

  ‘I know a witch. How else do you think I knew about this spell! Nikaya’s sister told me! And when the time is right and she’s able to control herself, I will ask Nikaya’s sister to open a portal and let us through!’

  Were those the same portals masters used to go into the human world when they were looking for new recruits? But… why could we use them now? Why had this never come up before?

  ‘How can you trust her?! If this spell doesn’t work what makes you think she’ll help you? What makes you think they wouldn’t track her magic and see her opening a portal for a master and… and… whatever she’s becoming!’ Blake flailed his arms as he spoke.

  Caleb sighed deeply. ‘What choice do I have?’

  Before Blake could answer he shook his head and saw me standing by the door. Caleb followed his gaze. A wave of love invaded my mind, numbing my anxiety.

  ‘We don’t have time to argue. We need to get Holly,’ Caleb’s voice sung in my head.

  ‘Turn it off Caleb!’ I tried to sound firm, but it came across as a grateful remark. The wave of affection lessened.

  Blake made the engine roar and we were off to Caleb’s house. I tried calling Kim, but her phone kept sending me straight to voicemail. Caleb assured me he had told Dominic and they were probably on their way out too.

  ‘Don’t be upset Ameerah. I am sure it will all work out. The werewolf territory is no more dangerous than Idolon. You’ll be fine,’ Caleb tried to soothe me.

  ‘How can you be so sure?’ I turned from my seat to look at him.


  Caleb caressed my face with his fingertips. ‘Because you will learn to control it. You might not be changing completely. I think you will survive with this sort of second person inside you. Once you are no longer a danger to yourself, I will get you back to the human world.’

  I saw Blake shaking his head.

  ‘What?’ I turned to face Blake.

  Blake looked at me. ‘We don’t know what is happening with you and I don’t think promising you that everything will be alright is the right thing to do,’ he stated coldly, throwing a glance at Caleb through the rear-view mirror.

  Caleb’s face twisted in anger. ‘How dare you contradict me in front of her?! Meerah, I am sure it will be alright. Don’t listen to him; he’s pessimistic as always!’ A wave of affection tried to drown out all anxiety in me.

  ‘No, I’m realistic! Ameerah.’ Blake turned to look at me briefly while he was driving, ‘I don’t mean to scare you, but this won’t be a walk in the park, do you understand? You have been drinking moloch blood and it has altered your genes. You will probably have to continue drinking blood and this will just make everything worse. If anyone can make it, you can, but you need to really work on understanding whatever is happening to you and learn to control it. And I won’t be there to help you.’ He turned towards me again when he spoke those last words.

  Blake was worried about me. All this time he had been incredibly tough and pushed me beyond my limits, but it had been with good intentions. Now I wouldn’t be able to rely on him anymore. It was just me, in a foreign land with foreign creatures, including myself.

  ‘I won’t forget you, my child.’ Caleb took my hand and massaged my fingers, sensing my distress.

  ‘Can’t you come with me?’ I pleaded.

  Caleb’s mouth tightened into a line. No, of course not. He wanted to go back to his family. I couldn’t blame him. In his shoes, I would have done the same. The enormity of what lay before me overwhelmed me. What had I gotten myself into?