Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Tommy Why’s that?

  Rosie I need to – get into character.

  Tommy (mystified by this) What’s that, then?

  Rosie If I’m to do this job properly, you see, I need a moment to concentrate on being Joanna Rupelford. That’s all.

  Tommy Oh, right. Never heard of that before. Most of the girls, they just –

  Rosie Yes, well, I’m an exception.

  Tommy Right. Suit yourself, then.

  Silence. Tommy starts his exercises again, shadow-punching and chopping with the occasional kick-box. All accompanied by a series of grunts and yelps. Rosie becomes increasingly irritated by this. She starts to retaliate with a series of acting vocal warm-ups of her own, including scales and tongue-twisters. As she grows louder, Tommy stops and stares at her in amazement. He restarts his own warm up with renewed vigour. The whole thing develops into a sort of competition. However, when Tommy has grunted his last, Rosie still manages a last glorious high note. She is undoubtedly the winner. Silence.

  I used to have a girlfriend made noises like that. We could only ever have it in the open air.

  Rosie Good. Lucky her.

  Pause.

  Tommy (consulting his watch) She’s late, isn’t she?

  Rosie (not being drawn) Uh-huh.

  Tommy I can go down to a depth of one mile wearing this watch.

  Rosie I wish you would.

  Tommy Useful. (Tommy now produces a short cosh-like implement from his belt. He thwacks it against his palm a few times.) Know what this is, then?

  Rosie Haven’t the foggiest.

  Tommy It’s known as a CQT. Close-quarters truncheon. Cutie for short. Special issue. (He hits his palm again.) This could bring you to your knees, like that. Put you out for a month. Want to feel it? Go on. Have a feel of that.

  Rosie I don’t want to feel it, thank you.

  Tommy Really. Some girls, they love to –

  Rosie Will you please shut up!

  Tommy Right. Suit yourself.

  A silence. Tommy brandishes the truncheon a few more times.

  I’ll tell you one more thing, though –

  Rosie (thoroughly exasperated) Oh, dear God!

  Tommy No, no. Just one other thing. Even if you had this in your hand, even armed with this, you would never get within a yard of me. Do you know why that is?

  Rosie No, I can’t imagine.

  Tommy Reflexes. I have incredible reflexes. They filmed me with the fastest film they had and they still couldn’t catch the speed of my hands. True. When I was down there in Hereford, the instructor there told me I was seriously frightening.

  Rosie I know how he felt.

  Tommy Come on, you have a try. Come on. Have a try.

  Rosie No.

  Tommy Come on.

  Rosie No!

  Tommy Come on, it’ll make you feel better. You see how fast I move, it’ll make you feel better. Take it, go on, take it. (He thrusts the cosh into Rosie’s reluctant hand.)

  Rosie Oh, God.

  Tommy That’s it, that’s it! Now you come at me. Tell you what, I’ll be behind the bar here, an innocent barman, you know. And you’re coming in to rob me. Pretend you’re trying to rob me. Come on then, girl. Now you come at me with the cosh, come and try hit me with it. And what I’ll do, you see, is block it with one hand and at the same time disarm you with the other one. Now don’t get nervous, I won’t hurt you. Just try and hit me. Hit me with it, hard as you like. And you’ll be amaze –

  Rosie hits Tommy on the head. He is unprepared.

  Rosie (instantly appalled at what she’s done) Oh, God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to …

  Tommy sways and his knees buckle.

  Tommy (feebly) No, no. You got to wait till I’m ready, you see. Wait till I’m … (He collapses behind the bar.)

  Rosie (alarmed) Oh, no. (She goes behind the bar.) Tommy! Tommy! (She tries vainly to revive him.) Somebody. If you’re listening. Help! Help me, please. I need help, whoever’s listening. Sam! If you’re –

  The doorbell rings.

  Oh, thank God!

  She scurries to the front door and opens it. Edna is standing there holding a briefcase.

  Look, I’ve just done something – Oh, hello, there.

  Edna Miss Rupelford?

  Rosie Yes?

  Edna I called earlier.

  Rosie Yes.

  Edna But it wasn’t convenient.

  Rosie No.

  Edna So. Here I am again.

  Rosie Yes.

  They stand there for a moment.

  Edna May I come in, dear?

  Rosie Yes. (She still doesn’t move.)

  Edna (making to step forward) Well?

  Rosie (stepping aside at last) Yes. Sorry.

  Edna steps into the flat and looks around her. Fortunately Tommy’s inert body is hidden from view. Rosie reluctantly closes the front door.

  Edna Now obviously, I don’t usually make house calls at this time of night but I’m happy to make this exception in your case, dear, since you’re a new client. I would like to make this fairly quick if we could. I don’t foresee any problems. I think we can find something to suit you. Isn’t this a lovely flat? Aren’t you lucky? And of course with the river there, you’re not really overlooked at all, are you? I do envy you, dear.

  She places her briefcase on the table and opens it. It appears to be filled with make-up samples. Rosie stares at it.

  Now, if I can plunge straight in. From our brief acquaintance, you do have the most beautiful skin, dear, if I may say so. So you won’t need a very heavy foundation. If I may be a wee bit critical, I think the one you’re wearing at the moment is the tiniest bit heavy. I think we can go for something a shade lighter. Slightly creamier.

  Edna places Rosie on one of the bar stools and fastens a cape round her shoulders. This has the effect of pinioning Rosie’s arms to her sides.

  (as she does this) What are we to make of this weather, then? The heat today! Almost suffocating, wasn’t it? You could feel it, virtually sucking the breath out of you, couldn’t you? Still, it’s got to break sometime, that’s what I say. Nothing lasts for ever, does it, dear? Not even beauty, alas. Now. (opening a jar) I mean, I don’t know how you feel about this as a shade for evening. It’s just a whisper really, very subtle, just to give the skin the slightest hint of a glow. Here. (She rubs some on the back of her hand.) What’s your feeling on that, dear? Would you wear that?

  Rosie (thoroughly confused) I’m sorry. I don’t …

  Edna Or maybe something in between, perhaps? (She opens another jar and demonstrates again.) How about this? Now, this is our brand new range. We call it Entrapment. Isn’t it beautiful? Again, just that hint of a sheen. We’ve only just launched it. I think that’s even more you, dear, don’t you? Yes I do, it’s you. It’s definitely you.

  Rosie Listen, I –

  Edna Shall we settle for that for a minute, shall we? Now. Lipstick. (studying her) Yes, I have to say I think you’ve gone for a shade too pale, dear. You’ve got such pretty lips, lovely mouth, you need to show it off, don’t you? (selecting a lipstick) Now. This is very, very attractive. Quite popular with my ladies. It’s called Promise of Dawn. May I, dear?

  Rosie I really don’t –

  Before she can protest Edna has gently but firmly taken her chin and now carefully paints Rosie’s mouth with a rather bright lipstick.

  Edna (as she does so) Beautiful. Oh, this is so you. This is so you, dear. It could have been made for you. I adore this shade, I love it to death, I really do. There. (admiring her handiwork) Yes. (She holds up a small mirror.) What do you think? Isn’t that you?

  Rosie Listen, I don’t know what’s going on. I rather thought we were going to –

  Edna Such a pretty mouth, haven’t you?

  Rosie (starting to panic a bit) I understood we were –

  Edna Wait, wait, wait, dear. Don’t be impatient. Must pretty you up first. Now. What else can I interest you in? How about this, then
? One second. (Edna lifts the top panel out of the briefcase. Beneath are tightly packed packets of white powder.) Why don’t you test a little of this?

  Rosie looks at her.

  (pleasantly) Take your time, dear. Make quite sure. I’m afraid we don’t do refunds.

  Edna moves to the window and gazes out. Her eyes are never very far from Rosie, though. Rosie, rather self-consciously, starts to go through the testing ritual the way she has obviously been instructed to do. She lifts out a top packet and takes out one from underneath it. She opens it and tastes a sample on her finger.

  (during this) No, I just love your view. Always something going on, isn’t there? Day or night. Is that Deptford across the river there?

  Rosie Er, yes.

  Edna No, I’m wrong, it’s Rotherhithe. Surely it’s Rotherhithe?

  Rosie Yes. Rotherhithe.

  Edna You finding that to your taste?

  Rosie This is – is fine. Very good. First class.

  Edna Good. Well, that was easy, wasn’t it? One satisfied customer. (Edna returns to Rosie.) I’ll just hold on to my top tray of samples, if I may. You keep the case.

  Rosie Thank you. (She closes Edna’s case and stands it on the floor.)

  Edna Now, dear. The painful bit, I’m afraid.

  Rosie What?

  Edna Payment. The sordid part.

  Rosie Oh, yes.

  Edna I believe the price is agreed.

  Rosie Oh, yes. Would you mind …? (She indicates for Edna to move the cosmetic tray off the coffee table.)

  Edna Yes, of course.

  She does so. Rosie runs her fingers under the rim of the coffee table.

  Rosie (aware of Edna’s gaze, nervously) Just a second. (She tries again.)

  Edna It is hot, isn’t it?

  Rosie Sorry?

  Edna I notice you’re perspiring a little, dear.

  Rosie Oh, yes.

  Edna I have something for that as well, if you’d like to try it?

  Rosie No, no. I’ll be fine.

  The coffee table clicks open.

  There!

  Edna Oh, how ingenious.

  Rosie Here we are. (She takes out the briefcase concealed in the hidden compartment.) Sorry about that. (She is about to put Edna’s briefcase away instead.)

  Edna Oh, no, no, no.

  Rosie freezes.

  Have to count it first, dear.

  Rosie Sorry.

  Edna places the second briefcase on the coffee table, forcing the compartment to close. She opens the case. It is filled with newspaper. Edna lifts the newspaper to examine deeper into the case. It contains yet more newspaper.

  Edna (her voice hardening for the first time) What’s this?

  Rosie What?

  Edna Is this a joke?

  Rosie What?

  Edna (tipping the contents on the floor) This.

  Rosie (horrified) But it was – it was – how did that happen? It was full of money. I’ve just this minute checked it. It was full of money. I swear it was.

  Edna (flicking some of the newspaper at Rosie) Little short of a miracle, then. So where’s the money? Where’s my money, dear?

  Rosie (retreating) I –

  Edna (advancing) I’ll ask you again nicely, dear. Where – is – my – money?

  Rosie I don’t know.

  Edna Well, that rather rules out an exchange of goods then, doesn’t it?

  Rosie I’m sorry. I can’t think what could have –

  Edna But the problem is, you see, dear, that the people I work for are not going to be at all happy about this. Because every time I make this sort of journey, it costs me time and them money. And being very careful people they don’t like to see either of those wasted.

  Rosie Well, could you just tell them, please, that I’m very, very sorry indeed.

  Edna Not to mention the risk involved in my coming here. Still, I’m sure they’ll understand. And I know they’d like me to give you a free sample so you’ll remember in the future, dear, never to waste my time again. (Edna takes a spray bottle from her tray. Removing the cap) Just a little one. Come on.

  She points it at Rosie’s face. Rosie jumps up and retreats in alarm.

  Come on, dear. Just a little squirt. I’ll make it quick. Come here.

  Rosie reaches the desk and ducks behind it.

  Rosie (to the desk) Help! Somebody come and help me.

  Edna sprays some of the liquid on the desk. Rosie springs away as it narrowly misses her.

  Edna Oh, I am sorry, dear, that’s going to ruin the surface of your lovely desk.

  Rosie (vainly) Help!

  Edna ’Fraid nobody can hear you, dear.

  Rosie backs into the dining area.

  Rosie Some pussy cat. (to the dining table) Help me, please, help me!

  Edna Come here, dear, don’t keep running away. (spraying some more liquid) You’re not going to have any furniture left at this rate, are you?

  Rosie HELP ME!!!

  She rushes off to the bedroom. Edna makes to follow, then stops. Instead, she switches off the lights, conceals herself and waits. She hums softly to herself. In time, Rosie creeps back cautiously. Edna springs out and fires the spray again. Rosie wards this off with a kitchen chair. She makes for the front door again, but Edna is too close behind her.

  (as she passes Tommy’s still inert body) Wake up, you idiot!

  The two women do another lap around the kitchen. Rosie darts into the living room once more, where Edna catches her and forces Rosie across the armchair.

  Edna (poised) That’s it. Close your eyes. It will only sting for a second. It’s not going to kill you, dear. Just a little reminder …

  Rosie This has been the worst day of my life … (She closes her eyes.)

  Edna prepares to spray her. Suddenly the door flies open and Tracy comes in like a whirlwind. Edna half-turns but is too late. She collapses under a hail of jabs and blows from Tracy. The spray flies out of her hand. Tracy stands over her, triumphant in her moment of glory. Maurice and Sam arrive in the doorway behind her.

  Maurice Beautifully done, Tracy. Very good indeed.

  Sam dashes forward to Rosie.

  Sam Rosie? Are you alright? Rosie?

  Rosie (stunned with shock) Huuuhhh!

  Sam (alarmed) Rosie!

  Rosie Huuuhhh! Huuuhhh!

  Maurice She’ll be alright. She’s just in mild shock.

  Rosie Miillddd?

  Tracy has retrieved Edna’s spray and is sniffing it cautiously.

  Maurice What is that stuff, Tracy, any idea?

  Tracy Seems to be basically mildly diluted H2SO4.

  Maurice Sulphuric acid.

  Tracy Right.

  Maurice That’ll do it. That’d clear up your blackheads, wouldn’t it?

  Sam (still with Rosie) Deep breaths. Just take deep breaths.

  Rosie slowly starts to recover.

  Maurice Where the hell is that oaf Tommy? Tommy!

  From behind the bar, Tommy wakes up. He attempts to spring to his feet, ever the man of action, but his head is evidently very painful.

  Tommy Hah!

  Maurice Congratulations, Tommy. Another successful mission. Girl’s half-dead and someone’s waltzed off with all the money. A highly satisfactory night’s work. Well done!

  Tommy (still half-dazed) Thank you very much, sir!

  Maurice (yelling) YOU INCOMPETENT IDIOT!

  Tommy Sir!

  Maurice Now give Tracy a hand. Get this woman out of here. God, you haven’t killed her, have you, Tracy?

  Tracy I may have broken a few things, sir.

  Maurice Oh, that’s alright. So long as she’s still alive. We might still get something out of her. Take her away, then.

  Tracy and Tommy half-drag Edna’s inert body through the front door.

  (to Sam) How’s our little heroine?

  Sam She’s – I think she’ll be OK.

  Rosie (still recovering) Sam.

  Sam I’m here, Rosie.


  Rosie Oh, Sam. (She clings to him.)

  Maurice (dryly) She’ll be alright. More to the point, where’s all the money gone? Rosie? Do you know?

  Rosie What?

  Maurice Where’s the money?

  Rosie I don’t know, do I?

  Maurice Haven’t taken it, have you?

  Rosie (indignantly) Why should I take it?

  Maurice Alright, alright!

  Rosie Do you think I’d take it and risk my own life? Do you think I’m that stupid?

  Maurice Yes, alright, alright. Just exploring every avenue. Well, there’s going to be one hell of an inquest, that’s all I can say. There was the best part of three quarters of a million quid in there. (He begins to pick up the briefcase.) Well, at least we’ve got the drugs. I mean it was always going to be a risk, setting Edna loose with the money. But I think that was termed a justifiable risk. I don’t know what you’d call it now. A pig’s ear, I think. Nonetheless, Miss Seymore, you were superb. The next time you are appearing anywhere, I shall be there applauding and throwing roses. I can only apologise, on this occasion, for the distinct ropiness of some of your supporting cast. You’re going to see her safely home, Sam?

  Sam I’ll see her home.

  Maurice I think we might run to a taxi on this occasion. I’ll switch all the gear off next door, Sam, don’t you worry about it. In case you both wish to effect a tender reunion unrecorded and off-camera. Then I’m straight home to my bed.

  Sam Thank you, sir.

  Maurice Goodnight, Rosie. I’ll forward on your expenses. If I’m not in jail. ’Bye.

  Rosie ’Bye.

  Sam ’Night, sir.

  Maurice (as he goes) God, what a cock-up. (Maurice goes out with the two briefcases and closes the front door behind him.)

  Rosie I was calling. I was yelling my head off, what happened?

  Sam We – we didn’t know about Tommy, you see.

  Rosie You didn’t see what happened?