Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

Sam No, at that point, of course, Edna hadn’t arrived in the building and we – weren’t actually on full alert. Technically.

  Rosie What were you on?

  Sam I mean, the monitor screens were on, of course, but – we were – we were, well, the technician had turned down the mics and switched over to the baseball so we weren’t –

  Rosie (incredulous) Baseball?

  Sam The Cubs and the Padres.

  Rosie You were all watching baseball?

  Sam Very, very briefly. As soon as Edna arrived we were on you. All the time.

  Rosie While she was chasing me round the room with an acid spray? I hope you caught that bit, did you?

  Sam Well, we thought Tommy was – and then when he didn’t intervene, of course, we decided to send in Tracy. I mean, you can’t have too many people or they all get in each others’ way. You can’t have too many.

  Rosie I’d have settled for one. Preferably you.

  Sam I’m sorry.

  Pause.

  I let you down again, didn’t l?

  Pause.

  Do you want me to phone you a taxi? I mean, I needn’t come with you, if you’d rather …

  Pause.

  Would you prefer me to leave now? I’ll leave now, if you’d rather.

  Rosie No, I don’t want you to leave now. This has been the worst day of my life and I refuse to end it like this. I want us to go to bed now. Together.

  Sam Are you sure?

  Rosie I started today wanting more than anything else to forget everything and get laid. And I’m bloody well going to get laid, if it’s the last thing I do. And if I die in the night, and on current form I could well do, then at least I might die with a smile on my face. (staring at Sam) At least I hope I will.

  Sam I’ll do my best.

  Rosie (moving to the bedroom door) I expect a lot more than that. I’m going to have a quick shower. Be there.

  Sam (smiling) Yes, ma’am.

  Rosie goes. Sam stands for a moment. He looks up briefly at the cameras. He moves swiftly to the front door. Looks out briefly. Closes it and goes to the coffee table, where he opens the secret compartment. He slides back a concealed flap and extricates the original briefcase. He closes the table again, opens the briefcase and examines the contents. The money is all there, intact.

  (softly) Hidden depths. Now you see it, now you don’t.

  Rosie (calling, off) Sam!

  Sam darts round the back of the bar. He crouches down and tucks the briefcase out of sight. Rosie comes in from the bedroom. She has a towel round her.

  (as she enters) Sam, I am absolutely starving, is there a –? (She goes into the kitchen, puzzled. Alarmed) Sam? (in panic, a mighty yell) SAM!!!

  Sam pops up from behind the bar rather guiltily.

  Sam Hi!

  Rosie Sam …

  Sam You alright?

  Rosie I thought you’d gone again.

  Sam No, I was – tidying up.

  Rosie (puzzled) You were?

  Sam Just – briefly.

  Rosie Well, please come to bed now. I don’t want you out of my sight again.

  Sam OK. Can I just –?

  Rosie No. You cannot just do anything. You are coming to bed. This instant.

  Sam Fine. I just wanted to say …

  Rosie What?

  Sam Tomorrow.

  Rosie What about it?

  Sam I would like to take you away.

  Rosie You would?

  Sam To the very best hotel I can find.

  Rosie Really? Where?

  Sam Italy. Possibly. Then on from there, who knows?

  Rosie Italy? To the best hotel? Can we afford that?

  Sam I’ve just been given a bonus.

  Rosie Well. I’ve never been taken to Italy. Not on a date. Actually, I’ve seldom made it further than the bed-and-breakfast on the corner. Italy. Great. We could have our gnocchi at long last, couldn’t we?

  Sam (kissing her) Plenty of gnocchi … Much, much gnocchi …

  Rosie (surfacing, at last) Oh, Sam! Tomorrow’s going to be better, isn’t it? Tell me it is. Promise me tomorrow’s going to be better …

  Sam I solemnly promise you, Rosie, that tomorrow is going to be the most wonderful day of your life.

  Rosie (romantically) Oh, Sam, I nearly believe you.

  They go off happily to the bedroom, clinging to each other. A pause. The front door opens and Tracy enters. She carries a light hold-all. She pauses, listening intently. She gazes up at the hidden cameras. We hear, in the distance, the shower running and a squawk from Rosie as she apparently steps under the initially freezing water. Tracy goes behind the bar. She takes out the briefcase and places it on the counter. Swiftly she transfers the money to the hold-all, zips it up and, closing the now empty briefcase, replaces that behind the bar. Unseen by her, Maurice silently enters through the front door behind her. He too listens for a moment. A yell from Sam.

  Maurice Silly, silly boy …

  Tracy turns to look at him. She smiles. For the first time a genuinely warm smile. She swings the hold-all. Maurice smiles at her. Tracy moves to him, unhurriedly. Maurice waits. She hands him the hold-all. He hugs her. She responds. He kisses her gently on the forehead. She kisses him gently in response. We will never be able to guess at the nature of their relationship, but we can gather it is deeply felt and mutual. A squeal of pleasure from Rosie in the shower. Maurice and Tracy both look back towards the bedroom doorway again.

  (shaking his head, sadly) Best of luck, Rosie. You’ll need it, old thing.

  He places an arm around Tracy and they both go out of the front door. As they go, more sounds of merriment from the shower. As the front door closes behind them, the lights fade rapidly to:

  Blackout.

  ROLEPLAY

  RolePlay was first performed at the Stephen Joseph Theatre, Scarborough, on 4 September 2001. The same production was subsequently presented by Michael Codron, Lee Dean, Michael Linnit, David Ian for ClearChannel Entertainment and Andrew Lloyd Webber, at the Duchess Theatre, London, on 7 September 2002. The cast was as follows:

  Julie-Ann Jobson Saskia Butler

  Justin Lazenby Bill Champion

  Paige Petite Alison Pargeter

  Micky Rale Tim Faraday

  Derek Jobson Robert Austin

  Dee Jobson Beth Tuckey

  Arabella Lazenby Jacqueline King

  Director Alan Ayckbourn

  Designer Roger Glossop

  Lighting Designer Mick Hughes

  Costume Designer Christine Wall

  Characters

  Justin Lazenby

  thirty

  Julie-Ann Jobson

  his fiancée, twenty-three

  Paige Petite

  an ex-dancer, twenty-nine

  Micky Rale

  an ex-boxer, forty

  Derek Jobson

  Julie-Ann’s father, fifties

  Dee Jobson

  Julie-Ann’s mother, forty-five

  Arabella Lazenby

  Justin’s mother, fifties

  A riverside apartment in London’s Docklands

  One evening in March

  Act One

  SCENE ONE

  Justin’s riverside apartment on the Thames, somewhere in London’s Docklands. A main sitting area and an adjoining walkthrough kitchen/dining area. Sliding windows at one end of the sitting area lead on to a small riverside balcony. At the other end of this sitting area, a well-stocked bar. Near the window, a desk and chair. A sofa, an armchair and a heavy coffee table. A few quite healthy pot plants dotted around. Off this area is a short hallway leading directly to the front door. Also two archways leading to another area visible to us, the common kitchen/dining space. The kitchen end is tidy and well equipped, evidently regularly cleaned. The other end has a small table with two chairs. Leading from this is a further door to the offstage rooms: bedroom, bathroom and a second spare bedroom, usually Justin’s study but tonight converted into a dining room. At the start, it is si
x p.m. on a grey, windy March evening. Outside it is raining heavily. We hear the rain occasionally lashing the windows as the wind gusts. At the start, Julie-Ann, a woman in her twenties, is in the kitchen area in the process of carefully folding six linen table napkins which she is then placing on to a large tray. She is dressed casually. A particularly loud gust of wind and rain causes her to look anxiously towards the window.

  Julie-Ann (calling, to someone offstage) Hark at it!

  Justin (off, inaudibly) Hot-hoo-hay?

  Julie-Ann (calling) Just hark at it!

  Justin (off, inaudibly) Hwaymin!

  Julie-Ann (calling) It’s getting worse. There’s great waves on the river out there.

  Justin (off, inaudibly) Harnteeruyulee.

  Julie-Ann (calling) Terrible. It’s more like the North Sea than the Thames.

  Justin, a man of about thirty, appears in the doorway. He is slightly hot and breathless from his exertions.

  Justin Sorry, Julie? What did you say?

  Julie-Ann This weather. Hark at it …

  Justin Oh. Yes.

  Julie-Ann Hope it doesn’t make them late. If it’s like this on the motorway …

  Justin Well. It may not be.

  Julie-Ann I mean, they’re coming from Doncaster. If it’s like this on the M1 …

  Justin (looking out of the window) Yes, it is rough out there, isn’t it? Don’t often see it as bad as this.

  Julie-Ann I mean, if they break down or have a puncture …

  Justin They’ll be fine.

  Julie-Ann I mean, they’re both getting on, you know. And Daddy’s never been a very good driver. He likes to turn round to talk to you when he’s driving.

  Justin Well, he’s only bringing your mother, isn’t he?

  Julie-Ann What’s that got to do with it?

  Justin Well, won’t she be in the front?

  Julie-Ann Oh, yes.

  Justin Unless they pick up a hitch-hiker.

  She finishes her napkin-folding.

  Julie-Ann Oh, no, they never do that. Daddy doesn’t approve of them. (showing the napkins) There! What do you think, Justy?

  Justin (frowning a little) Lovely.

  Julie-Ann I’ll give you a hand to move that table now, shall I?

  Justin No need, I’ve done it. Wasn’t heavy.

  Julie-Ann You haven’t moved all your stuff as well?

  Justin I put it in the bedroom.

  Julie-Ann The printer?

  Justin Yes.

  Julie-Ann And the big computer?

  Justin And the scanner. And the speakers, the zip drive. And the mains lead.

  Julie-Ann (kissing him lightly) Clever darling. Where’d you put it all?

  Justin In the bedroom.

  Julie-Ann Well done. (taking the tray) Does it work alright in there with the table in the middle?

  Justin Just about. Have a look. See what you think.

  Julie-Ann goes off with the tray.

  I think we can just about squeeze six of us round. If we all hold our breath and nobody eats too much.

  Julie-Ann (off, inaudibly) Hot?

  Justin I said – (He gives up. Calling) Doesn’t matter.

  Julie-Ann (off, inaudibly) Harnteeru!

  Justin (calling) Nothing.

  Julie-Ann (offstage, inaudibly) Oh, steel get ordimadus found, farthing.

  Justin (calling) What?

  Julie-Ann (offstage, inaudibly) Ormibustle rust slit. Eyes un bosey.

  Justin (only mildly irritated, half to himself) I can’t hear you, Julie! (He goes off after her, calling.) What did you say, darling?

  The sound of their voices off. We now can’t hear either of them.

  Julie-Ann (offstage, inaudibly) Oh queasily, steel cabbage.

  Justin (offstage, inaudibly) Slee pud rye it motherway.

  Julie-Ann (offstage, inaudibly) Ho dough weed. Sleall queez bound.

  Justin (offstage, inaudibly) Ho hay. Lo hubble.

  Julie-Ann returns from the dining room.

  Julie-Ann (as she returns with the empty tray) No, it’s fine, darling, it’s perfect where it is. Clever you. We’ll all fit round. None of us are that big, are we?

  Justin follows her back on. During the next, Julie-Ann starts taking cutlery from a drawer and placing it in neat piles on to the tray. Six of everything plus a number of serving spoons and forks.

  Justin Sorry, what did you say?

  Julie-Ann Your mother’s not big, is she?

  Justin My mother? No, my mother’s … a normal sort of size.

  Julie-Ann Tall?

  Justin Yes, she’s tall-ish.

  Julie-Ann She always is in the photos. Tall’s not a problem. (She thinks for a second.) My father will be fine up that end by the window. He’ll be alright there. Not too squashed.

  Justin Is your father – well built, then?

  Julie-Ann Daddy’s – he’s quite well built, yes. You know.

  Justin Right.

  Julie-Ann But then he is very nearly sixty, Justy.

  Justin (a little mystified) Right.

  Slight pause.

  Julie-Ann (laughing) Good job my sister’s not coming. She’s enormous.

  Justin Lucy-Jane?

  Julie-Ann No. Not Lucy-Jane. Sally-Jo.

  Justin Right. I still get them muddled. Sorry.

  Julie-Ann I told you, Lucy-Jane’s the one in Canada. The one we don’t talk about.

  Justin Right.

  Julie-Ann Don’t for heaven’s sake mention her in front of my parents, will you?

  Justin I won’t.

  Julie-Ann You can talk about Sally-Jo all you like.

  Justin On the whole, it’s probably safer if I don’t talk about either of them.

  Julie-Ann Just as you like. (rather coyly) You’ll have to, though, sooner or later, won’t you, darling?

  Justin How do you mean?

  Julie-Ann Well, when they’re both – you know – your sisters-in-law.

  Justin Oh, sure. Yes, well … Then. Sure. Yes.

  Julie-Ann (examining the cutlery carefully) Some of these are filthy, Justy.

  Justin Oh, are they?

  Julie-Ann Which of us washed up last, I wonder?

  Justin No idea …

  Julie-Ann I bet it was. You’re supposed to wash them properly in hot soapy water, rinse them and then dry them. Not just run them under the tap.

  Justin Damn! I must have been off school that day.

  Julie-Ann What we really need is a proper dishwasher.

  Justin I’ll try and find someone. There’ll need to be a height restriction, though. They’ll have to live under the sink.

  Julie-Ann (oblivious) It could fit just there perfectly. I mean, once we’re – married – we’ll be giving dinner parties all the time, won’t we?

  Justin Once we’ve got the ballroom open.

  Julie-Ann Ballroom? How do you –? (realising he’s joking, at last) Oh! You! Honestly, Justy. You’re so naughty sometimes, aren’t you?

  Justin smiles.

  (blowing a kiss at him) Always teasing me, aren’t you?

  She smiles at him. She turns her attention back to washing the forks. As she does so she sings discordantly. Justin winces but tolerates it for a while. Then:

  Justin What else do you want me to do?

  Julie-Ann (indicating the kitchen chairs) You can take those chairs through if you like.

  Justin Sure.

  Julie-Ann We’ll keep those two for us. Put those by our places.

  Justin Right. How are we all sitting again?

  Julie-Ann Justy! How many more times! Daddy at the end …

  Justin By the window?

  Julie-Ann Correct. Then on his right, me, and then your mother’s – man friend – on my right …

  Justin Olaf.

  Julie-Ann Olaf on my right … and he definitely speaks English, you’re sure of that?

  Justin Apparently.

  Julie-Ann Well, I do hope so.

  Justin Mind you, it doesn’
t really matter to my mother. None of the men she lives with ever gets a word in, anyway.

  Julie-Ann So it’s this Olaf on my right – I hope your mother doesn’t talk too much –

  Justin So do I.

  Julie-Ann – you know, monopolise the conversation too much – then Mummy at the other end – with her back to the door, then you on her right and then next to you, your mother who will be on Daddy’s left, of course. Have you got that?

  Justin Daddy’s left. Yes. I think so. (He picks up the chairs again, but then hesitates.) Er … Julie.

  Julie-Ann (absorbed with polishing the cutlery with a cloth) Mmm?

  Justin You’re not … we’re not … we’re not in danger of going over the top a bit with all this, are we? You know, of making too big a thing of it?

  Julie-Ann It is a big thing.

  Justin Yes, well. Big-ish.

  Julie-Ann The first time I’m going to meet your mother and her – current man. The first time you’ll meet my parents. And the first time they’ll all be meeting, too. It is important, Justy. It really is. It’s very important.

  Justin I just don’t want it all – you know – to get out of proportion.

  Julie-Ann No …

  Justin Well. (He makes to go again.)

  Julie-Ann It’s important for another reason as well, isn’t it?

  Justin What’s that?

  Julie-Ann We’re going to – aren’t we? We’re going to – you know. Announce it. Our – you know – (softly) – engagement.

  Justin Oh, yes. Right.

  Julie-Ann Have you thought what you’re going to say yet?

  Justin Say?

  Julie-Ann You said you were going to make a speech.

  Justin When?

  Julie-Ann During dinner.

  Justin I never said that.

  Julie-Ann Yes, you did.

  Justin When?

  Julie-Ann The other night. In bed.

  Justin Oh. Then. I thought that was a joke.

  Julie-Ann I didn’t take it as a joke. I thought it was a lovely idea.

  Justin Ah.