Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Julie-Ann So romantic. It made me cry.

  Justin Oh.

  Julie-Ann I mean happy-cry. You know.

  Justin Good.

  Julie-Ann Not cry-cry. You are going to make a speech, aren’t you, Justy?

  Justin I’ll – yes, I’ll – say a few words, yes. Possibly.

  Julie-Ann How we’re both so in love – how happy we are together – how we want to share the rest of our lives with each other. For ever and ever …?

  Justin Yes. Sure. Something along those lines …

  Julie-Ann (frowning at a fork) This is disgusting. I can’t believe we’ve been eating off these all this time, Justy. (She scrubs with renewed vigour.)

  Justin (staring at her, a little worried) Julie, listen, darling. No one’s going to notice. I promise.

  Julie-Ann My mother certainly will.

  Justin Ah. Yes. (He goes off with the chairs, briefly.)

  Julie-Ann (despairingly) Filthy! They’re all filthy! We could both have got typhoid, you know. That’s the trouble with eating by candlelight all the time. You never notice the state of the cutlery.

  A fresh gust of wind and rain at the window.

  (calling) Is the bedroom window shut?

  Justin (off, inaudibly) Hot?

  Julie-Ann (calling) Is the bedroom window shut?

  Justin returns empty-handed.

  Justin Sorry, what did you say?

  Julie-Ann Is the window shut? In the bedroom?

  Justin Yes, I said I closed it.

  Julie-Ann We don’t want another flood, do we?

  Justin returns to the window.

  Justin I think it’s getting worse out here.

  Julie-Ann I hope your mother gets here alright.

  Justin She’ll be alright. Olaf’s driving her. They’re only coming from Godalming.

  Julie-Ann I hope we haven’t forgotten anything, that’s all. I just pray I haven’t forgotten anything.

  Justin Julie, darling, stop worrying. Calm down. It’s all going to be a great evening, I promise you. They’ll all get on fine. I’ll love your parents, you’ll adore my mother. They’ll all fall in love with each other. It’s only a party, Julie. That’s all. Now relax, darling. Alright?

  Julie-Ann (unconvincingly) I just want them to love you, Justy. As much as I do.

  She smiles and kisses him.

  Well. Nearly as much, anyway. (Slight pause.) You’ll – er … You’ll try to remember not to call me Julie while they’re here, won’t you, Justy?

  Justin What?

  Julie-Ann I told you they hate me being called Julie. I did tell you.

  Justin I didn’t think you were serious. What am I supposed to call you, then?

  Julie-Ann Julie-Ann. That’s what they prefer.

  Justin Is that what you prefer?

  Julie-Ann I don’t mind …

  Justin Why should I call you Julie-Ann?

  Julie-Ann Please.

  Justin I’ve never called you Julie-Ann.

  Julie-Ann Just for tonight. For their sake. Please.

  Justin Well, I’ll try and remember.

  Julie-Ann Don’t sulk, Justy. Don’t sulk, darling.

  Justin Look … We’re putting ourselves out quite a bit one way or another, aren’t we? For your parents? I mean, first of all we have to move everything of yours out of the flat, I’ve reorganised my study …

  Julie-Ann We had to move my things out – if my parents knew we’d been living together they’d just die – with shock.

  Justin Why? God, you’re twenty-whatever-it-is. You’re not a kid, Julie. You’re a grown woman.

  Julie-Ann That doesn’t come into it as far as they’re concerned. They don’t see it that way, not at all.

  Justin Why on earth not?

  Julie-Ann (awkwardly) Because I’m still – Being the youngest. They still look on me as – their – as the baby, if you like. You know what I mean.

  Justin (faintly incredulous) Their baby?

  Julie-Ann In a way.

  Justin Then it’s time they grew up too, isn’t it?

  Julie-Ann Listen, Justy, you have to understand. My eldest sister, Lucy-Jane, she had this terrible row with them and then moved to Canada. She never communicates from one year to the next and they refuse to have her name mentioned in the house. My other sister, Sally-Jo – she married this man they both – disapprove of – and now she’s moved to Truro – so they never see each other either. I’m all they have left, Justy. They need me.

  Justin They have each other, don’t they?

  Julie-Ann But they need me.

  Justin So do I, Julie.

  Julie-Ann (softly) I know you do. And I need you, Justy. I really, really do. You know that.

  They hold each other, happy for a second.

  You’ll love them. I know you will. You’ll get on so well.

  Justin They do sound just the slightest bit heavy-going.

  Julie-Ann No. Never. My father’s the funniest person I know. He makes me laugh more than anyone in the world. Apart from you, of course.

  Justin What about your mother?

  Julie-Ann Oh, you’ll love her, Justy. She’s exactly like me. Everyone says so. (glancing at the clock) Oh, we must get on. Look at the time.

  Julie-Ann takes up the tray of cutlery and starts to head off to the dining room.

  Do you think your mother will mind me calling you Justy?

  Justin No idea. I don’t give a stuff if she does, quite frankly.

  Julie-Ann I can call you Justin, if you’d rather. Just for tonight.

  Justin Don’t bother. We can’t both be sitting there all evening trying to remember each other’s name.

  Julie-Ann (as she goes) Alright. I just wondered. Don’t get sulky, now.

  Julie-Ann goes off, singing, as before. Justin stands frowning. The phone rings.

  Justin (answering) Hello … Oh hello, Mother … Are you just setting out? … What? … Listen, you can have one when you get here, mother, why don’t you wait till you get here? … Well, Olaf can wait, can’t he? Especially if he’s driving. I don’t care if he’s a rally driver, he still shouldn’t drink, should he? … Mother, just get in the car, please … Yes, I love you, too. See you soon. ’Bye. (He rings off. A small prayer) Please, please, God. Behave yourself tonight.

  Julie-Ann has returned. The tray is now empty.

  Julie-Ann Who was that?

  Justin My mother. She’s just setting off.

  Julie-Ann Oh. Cutting it fine, isn’t she?

  Slight pause.

  Justy – I’m going to say something. And I don’t want you to get cross with me.

  Justin Cross?

  Julie-Ann Promise me you won’t get grumpy.

  Justin Why?

  Julie-Ann It’s just that – now that I’ve moved all my things out of here and back to my own flat – all my belongings … I’ve been thinking seriously about this. I think things should stay that way, for now.

  Justin How do you mean?

  Julie-Ann I don’t think we should live together any more. Not until we’re married.

  Justin What?

  Julie-Ann All I’m saying is –

  Justin Julie, we’ve been living together for six months.

  Julie-Ann I know. That’s the point. And I don’t think we should any longer, you see. Not now we’ve decided to get married.

  Justin I don’t follow this at all.

  Julie-Ann Well, otherwise, I was thinking about this, otherwise there won’t be anything special about getting married, will there? It’ll just be the same as before. I want being married to be something special, Justy.

  Justin It will be special. Of course it will.

  Julie-Ann How will it be?

  Justin Well, we’ll have made vows to each other. I don’t know, we’ll have rings – and – go on honeymoon … (trailing off) Tax – and so on …

  Julie-Ann How different is that? We can go on holiday now – we can wear rings if we wanted to – we can make promises
… I want it to be different …

  Justin I don’t know what this is about. Are you saying we’re not even going to sleep together?

  Julie-Ann That’s the point. Not till we’re married.

  Justin We’re not getting married till the twenty-third of June.

  Julie-Ann That’s not long.

  Justin It’s three months away, Julie!

  Julie-Ann That’ll fly by.

  Justin This is crazy.

  Julie-Ann Darling, think what it’ll be like.

  Justin I am. It’ll be terrible.

  Julie-Ann I mean, on the honeymoon night. When we haven’t touched each other – like that – for all that time. It’ll be fantastic, won’t it?

  Justin I’ll probably have forgotten how to do it.

  Julie-Ann Justy! You won’t. And if you have, my darling, I’ll soon remind you. I have this fantasy, you see. Let me tell you. We’ll get on the plane together at Heathrow. And we’ll fly to Barbados. But when we get to the airport, we’ll both take separate taxis to the hotel, you see.

  Justin Separate –?

  Julie-Ann Shhh, wait! And I’ll arrive first and I’ll check in and go straight to the room where I’ll have a bath and I’ll change into my evening dress and I’ll make myself really beautiful for you and then I’ll take my book down to the lounge and I’ll –

  Justin Your book? You’re reading a book on our honeymoon night?

  Julie-Ann Wait! I haven’t finished! And I’ll sit in the lounge and wait. And pretend to read. Only the words will probably be a blur because I’ll just be so excited with anticipation. And, in the meantime, you’ll go up to the room and have your bath and get changed and make yourself handsome and desirable for me. And when you’re ready, you’ll come down to the lounge and in a moment you’ll notice me all alone in the corner, a solitary beautiful woman absorbed in her book. I’ll be unaware of you initially and then – quite suddenly – I’ll become conscious of your stare – and for a fleeting second, our eyes will meet and, a few moments later, you’ll be there, this tall figure standing over me, looking down. And you’ll introduce yourself and offer to buy me a drink. I may be a little hesitant about accepting at first, but eventually, I’ll agree –

  Justin Glad to hear it.

  Julie-Ann And for the rest of that magical evening we’ll be like two strangers, gradually getting acquainted, growing ever closer and closer, increasingly filled with an aching longing for each other. A candle-lit dinner under the stars, caviar, lobster, delicious wine and then finally, when we can scarcely contain ourselves, up to the bedroom. And we’ll both undress and explore each other’s body, first with our eyes, then our hands until finally we’re making perfect love together as if for the first time in our lives yet having known each other for ever. Can’t you imagine it, darling?

  Silence.

  Justin What book are you currently reading? (Pause.) Yes, well, it sounds alright in theory but –

  Julie-Ann It’ll be so beautiful.

  Justin What are we supposed to do in the meantime? I mean, between now and June.

  Julie-Ann We’ll dream of each other, darling. I’ll dream of you. You’ll dream of me.

  Justin I’ll probably be doing a bloody sight more than that.

  Julie-Ann Justy!

  Justin Julie, we’ve been doing it – we’ve been having sex together – well, several times a week, haven’t we …? On average.

  Julie-Ann I’ve no idea. I don’t go counting, do I …?

  Justin Well, nor do I. But the point is, Julie, you can’t suddenly stop just like that and become a monk overnight. It’s like smoking – you have to give up gradually. Otherwise you get – you know – withdrawal symptoms.

  Julie-Ann (sadly) So you won’t agree to it?

  Justin I don’t – It would – It would be very – difficult. That’s all I’m saying.

  Julie-Ann It would be just as difficult for me.

  Justin I’m sure.

  Julie-Ann The only difference is, that I’m prepared to do it for you. But you aren’t apparently for me. (She moves away.)

  Justin Oh, come on, that’s not fair. That’s like me saying, OK, Julie, are you prepared to be hung upside down from Tower Bridge for three days just to prove you love me? Because I’m very happy to do it for you, darling!

  Julie-Ann Now you’re just being silly.

  Justin Not at all.

  Julie-Ann (rather cool) And it’s Julie-Ann, please. Not Julie. I’m going to lay the table, excuse me. (She goes.)

  Justin Oh, come on! (He stands miserably.) Come on, three months. Men aren’t designed for that. No way.

  Julie-Ann returns clutching five dessert forks. She appears a trifle distraught. The beginnings of a panic attack.

  What’s wrong?

  Julie-Ann I thought you said you had six of everything?

  Justin I thought I did.

  Julie-Ann There’s only five pudding forks.

  She goes to the cutlery drawer and rummages around in it. Justin, alarmed, goes to help her.

  Justin Are you sure? I thought I had six of everything … My mother gave me six of everything originally, I’m sure she did.

  Not finding whatever it is she’s looking for, she tries one or two other drawers.

  Julie-Ann (a trace hysterical) Well, you haven’t got six pudding forks. There’s only five. Look for yourself.

  Justin Well, I did have. (opening drawers at random) Now don’t – make a crisis of it … We’ll find it. We’ll find it, don’t worry … Probably just slipped down the back of the – somewhere …

  Julie-Ann You won’t find it, it’s not here.

  Justin begins to search the kitchen for the missing fork, looking in progressively more unlikely places. Julie-Ann gives up and stands for a second.

  Now what are we going to do? The whole table’s going to look ridiculous, isn’t it?

  Justin Of course it isn’t.

  Julie-Ann What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

  Justin Julie! Don’t get like this, darling. It doesn’t help! We’ll find it. Forks don’t walk, do they?

  Julie-Ann I’m just going to have to go out and buy one, aren’t I?

  Justin It’s half past six – what are you talking about?

  Julie-Ann I’m not sitting down to dinner with a fork missing …

  Justin (sitting her down) Julie, sit down and pull yourself together. You know why you’re like this. You know. You get these moods, you know you do, darling. You’re getting hysterical for no reason.

  Julie-Ann I’m going to have to go out, I’m going to have to go out now, aren’t I? Go searching for forks.

  Justin Julie, it’s pouring with rain, everywhere round here is closed, where the hell are you going to buy a fork at this time of night?

  Julie-Ann (getting up) Then I’ll have to borrow one. I’ll ask round the other flats. Someone’s bound to have a spare.

  Justin (angrily) My God, Julie, every month it’s the same! Listen to yourself! No one’s even going to notice.

  Julie-Ann Of course they will.

  Justin Who the hell is going to notice there’s a fork missing?

  Julie-Ann My mother for one!

  Justin Well, bugger your mother!

  Julie-Ann freezes. Silence.

  (shocked at his own outburst) I’m sorry, Julie. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m deeply, deeply sorry. Really. Please, believe me.

  Julie-Ann, grim-faced, goes to the front door.

  I really – can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for saying that. I mean, your mother, for God’s sake. Your mother. It’s appalling of me. I’m so, so, so sorry, Julie. Ann. Truly.

  Julie-Ann (coolly) I hope you will not be using language like that in front of my parents.

  Justin I said I –

  Julie-Ann Perhaps you’d care to turn the oven on to low whilst I’m out. I’ll leave the door on the latch. Try not to lock me out, please.

  She sweeps out and closes
the door. Justin stands unhappily. He looks out of the windows. The wind and rain continue unabated.

  Justin (half to himself) Mr and Mrs Jobson … Derek and Dee – Mother – Julie-Ann and I have some really wonderful news … we are planning to get married in June … and in order to celebrate this happy event – we’re giving up sex for twelve bloody weeks. Oh, God …

  The phone rings.

  (answering) Hello … oh, hello, Mother … what? … Why have you stopped at the pub? … Look, it’s nearly … Well, tell Olaf to get back in the car … You’re supposed to be here in … Mother, please. Do not have another drink … No, you don’t … You don’t need one at all … Just get in the car and please be here. (He rings off.) God! (remembering) Oven. (He goes into the kitchen and stands at the stove. Staring at the stove, gloomily) Twelve weeks? I might as well stick my head in this oven and have done with it. What’s there to live for? What’s there to live for …?

  Faintly, from outside the doors above the noise of the storm, a woman’s long-drawn-out scream as if falling from some height. Justin turns, startled, and goes into the sitting room, forgetting the oven. Outside the windows we see that someone is gripping the balcony rail, hanging on for grim death as they hang above the river. Justin stares in amazement. Slowly and painfully, with great difficulty, the someone now hauls themself up a little so that their head is visible over the rail. It is Paige, a woman in her late twenties. She is soaked to the skin from the torrential rain. Her hair is plastered to her head like an otter. She has blood on her face, hands and legs. Her make-up is streaked and her clothes are badly torn. Justin stares at her, horrified. Outside the window, Paige’s mouth opens and closes, but her words are drowned out by the storm which rages outside the closed doors. She is shouting something silently. Although we can’t hear her it looks suspiciously like ‘Help!’

  (reacting at last, calling) Just a minute.

  He fumbles with the door locks and eventually opens one door. The full force of the storm is heard. Justin is practically blown backwards. He fights his way on to the balcony, forcing himself forward against the wind. He reaches Paige and, with difficulty, hauls her over the rail. She is completely exhausted and he has to catch her before she drops in a heap on the balcony. He half-assists, half-carries her into the flat.