Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Paige I wouldn’t. It’s nearly fight time. He doesn’t like people calling him around fight time, does he?

  Micky I’ll call him later on, then.

  Paige You do that. I won’t be here.

  Micky You’re not leaving. You can stay down here if you want. But you’re not leaving this building. I can’t let you do that, Paige.

  Paige We can’t stay here, can we?

  Micky Why not?

  Paige Because it’s someone’s else’s flat, you fool.

  Micky Whose flat is it, anyway?

  Justin comes in. He has now changed into his smart party gear. He stops as he sees them.

  Justin Oh.

  Paige Hello, Justin. This is Micky.

  Justin Hello.

  Paige Micky, this is Justin.

  Micky stares at Justin.

  Justin (to Paige) Er – are you …?

  Paige Fine.

  Justin I mean, do you want me to call …?

  Paige No. No way.

  Pause. Justin looks at Micky. Micky looks at Justin. Paige looks at them both.

  Justin Well …

  Paige Justin … Would it be alright if – me and Micky stayed for a little bit?

  Justin Stayed?

  Paige Down here. Just for a little while. Would you mind?

  Justin Here?

  Paige Only it’s a little inconvenient for us both to leave just at present.

  Justin (rather nervously) I see. Well, I’m afraid it’s not all that convenient for us if you stay. I mean, Julie and I have this dinner party, you see. We’re expecting her parents and my mother and a friend of my mother’s. Quite soon, actually. So. I mean, much as I’d like to … Sorry.

  Pause.

  Paige Actually, Justin. I don’t think there’s a choice.

  Justin Now look, I … (He stares at them.)

  Paige Sorry, Justin. It’s – what do you call it? Accomplished.

  Justin It is? Listen, I …

  The front door opens. Julie-Ann enters, triumphantly brandishing a fork. She starts taking off her coat.

  Julie-Ann Got one! Would you believe, they had one! It’s not a perfect match but it’ll do – (seeing Paige and Micky) Oh. Who are you?

  Justin This is Paige and Micky from upstairs. They’ve – just dropped in.

  Julie-Ann (with barely a glance at them) Oh. Hello.

  Paige Hello.

  Justin This is my fiancée, Julie. Ann.

  Julie-Ann (barely stopping) Yes, well, I’m afraid I’m running very late. I need to have a bath and get changed for dinner. Do excuse me. We’re expecting guests very shortly. I’d love to stay and chat. Excuse me.

  She goes. A pause. A fork is dropped. She comes back.

  (staring at Paige) Is that my dress?

  Pause.

  That’s my dress.

  Pause.

  She’s wearing my dress. You’re wearing my dress.

  Paige Sorry about that …

  Julie-Ann Would you take that dress off immediately, please. Why is she wearing my dress? Justin, tell her to take my dress off at once.

  Justin Er …

  Julie-Ann How dare you wear my dress! How dare you!

  Paige I’m very sorry about this. You’re welcome to borrow one of mine.

  Julie-Ann One of yours?

  Paige If you’d like.

  Julie-Ann I don’t want one of yours. I want my own.

  Paige If you go upstairs to the penthouse. In my bedroom you’ll find a whole wardrobe of them. I’ve got dozens.

  Julie-Ann Then why aren’t you wearing one of them?

  Paige There are technical reasons.

  Julie-Ann I’m not wearing one of yours.

  Justin Julie …

  Julie-Ann (angrily) No! Why should I want to wear one of yours? Give me one good reason! One good reason!

  Micky Listen. Here’s a good reason.

  He produces a rather impressive-looking gun from inside his jacket and puts it on the bar. The others stare at it. Julie-Ann squeaks nervously.

  Julie-Ann Ah!

  Justin (softly) Oh, my God.

  Paige Micky, do you have to?

  Micky (to Julie-Ann) Now you go upstairs like a good girl and you find yourself a nice dress like this lady’s kindly offered and you get changed and then you come straight back down here again, right? You do just that. No more, no less, right? Because if you don’t, then I will pick up this great big gun and (pointing at Justin) I will blow his fucking head off! (fiercely) NOW, GET UPSTAIRS!

  Julie-Ann (in sheer terror) Justin …

  Justin Do as the man says, Julie.

  Julie-Ann hurries to the door, whimpering slightly.

  Micky Oy!

  Julie-Ann (jumping) What?

  Micky Keys! (He tosses her a key ring.) Now, shift your arse!

  Julie-Ann scuttles out. Micky picks up the gun and puts it back in the holster.

  Now then. I understand you’re having a supper party?

  Justin (very nervous) Yes, that’s right.

  Micky Right. Anything we can do to help, then?

  As Justin stares at them both, the lights fade to:

  Blackout.

  SCENE TWO

  The same. A few minutes later. There is now a saucepan of soup heating on the stove which Justin, having temporarily shed his jacket and donned an apron, is stirring. Paige appears, followed closely by Micky. They remain very much inseparable throughout all this; wherever she decides to go, he follows.

  Paige That smells good.

  Justin Spicy mushroom soup. My own version.

  Micky I can’t eat mushrooms.

  Paige Bad luck. (to Justin) So you’re a chef, then? As well as a computer man?

  Justin Not really what you’d term a chef. Just soups.

  Paige Ah, I see. You make a lot of soups then, do you?

  Justin No, not really. Just spicy mushroom.

  Micky I can’t eat spice.

  Paige What a shame.

  Micky I’ve got a damaged stomach lining.

  Paige Along with everything else. Listen, we brought the extra chairs from the bedroom …

  Justin Thank you.

  Paige And listen, I worked it out with the cutlery. Now there’s the eight of us, if some of them use their soup spoons again for the pudding and some of them does without a pudding fork altogether and just uses it for the main course and they wipes their knife from the main course once they’ve used it then they can use it again for the cheese and if they want to spread their rolls as well then they can always use them little butter knives, can’t they? And the rest of it we can eat with our fingers.

  Justin Oh, my God!

  Paige That sound alright?

  Justin Brilliant.

  Paige What else we having, then?

  Justin Well, we’ve ordered in the main course, I’m afraid. Bit of a cop-out but otherwise you spend the whole evening in the kitchen, don’t you?

  Paige I don’t know. I never have. We always order out. If we’re ever in. Our stove’s still got the cardboard round it.

  Justin As a matter of fact, they should be delivering in a minute. I’ve got the oven on ready. It’s a chicken dish. Hope you like chicken.

  Micky I only eat steak.

  Paige Tragic.

  Justin Julie’s made the pudding. It’s in the fridge there. Kiwi Mousse Surprise. That’s her speciality.

  Micky I can’t eat foreign.

  Paige Anything else we can do?

  Justin Oh, yes … Salt and pepper. (indicating them) Could you …? On the table.

  Paige (taking them) Right.

  She moves off. Micky follows.

  You going to follow me everywhere, are you?

  Micky Yes.

  Paige Terrific. Why don’t you carry the salt, then? (She hands it to him.)

  She goes off with Micky close behind her. Justin goes to the fridge and takes out two bottles of good white wine. He goes to the bar, hesitates, glances towards the bedroom
s and makes an impulsive bid for freedom through the front door. It is locked with the mortice. Justin rattles the door handle vainly. Micky returns with Paige in tow. Justin looks sheepish. Micky holds up the front door mortice key. Justin goes and fetches the corkscrew from behind the bar.

  Looks lovely in there. Really nice.

  Justin Good.

  Paige Want us to light the candles?

  Justin (starting to open the bottles) Not yet. Wait till they all arrive.

  Paige Fair enough. (She watches Justin for a moment.) Important dinner, then, is it?

  Justin Fairly important, yes.

  Paige Meeting the family?

  Justin Right.

  Paige You must love her a lot, do you? Going through all this. You must do.

  Justin (rather startled by her directness) Er – yes. Yes, I do.

  Paige Not natural for a bloke, is it? Otherwise. All this. How long you been together, then?

  Justin Oh, about six months. We work together.

  Paige I’ve been with Rudy five years.

  Justin (surprised) That long?

  Paige I was – dancing in this club and he asked me over afterwards.

  Justin I see.

  Paige We had champagne. Real stuff. Not the club’s one.

  Justin Right.

  Paige Seventy-five quid a bottle.

  Justin Hey!

  Paige I got totally and utterly pissed. He had to drive me home.

  Justin ’Dear.

  Paige He didn’t try anything, though. He could have done. I’d never even have noticed, I was that far gone, you know. Rudy just – saw me to my door and he said, I hope I can see you again sometime. You know, I really respected him for that. Most buggers would have been all over you, taking advantage, trying to get their money’s worth. No, I really respected Rudy for that. Because I felt he really respected me. (Pause.) How bloody wrong can you get, eh?

  A silence. She seems about to cry. Justin has stopped what he is doing and is watching her.

  (pulling herself together) Sorry. I won’t spoil your evening, I promise. (to Micky) Neither of us will, will we?

  Micky (suddenly, aggressively) Where’s that girlfriend of yours got to?

  Paige She’s choosing a dress, isn’t she?

  Micky Long time going about it.

  Paige There’s about seventy-five to choose from. (to Justin) So what’s going to happen tonight, then? This is the first time you’re all meeting up, is it?

  Justin is now re-corking both bottles and putting them back in the fridge.

  Justin That’s right. Actually, I’m … (He hesitates.)

  Paige What? You’re what?

  Justin It’s tonight that I’ll be – we’re planning to formally announce our engagement. Name the day, you know. That’s what we’d planned to do.

  Paige Don’t let us stop you, will you?

  Justin (looking at her) No.

  A moment. Then the doorbell rings.

  That might be Julie.

  Paige Or your takeaway.

  Justin I’d better go and see. (nervously, to Micky) May I go and see?

  Micky nods and hands Justin the key. Justin takes off his apron and goes to answer the front door. Micky and Paige wait in the living room. Justin opens the door. It is Derek and Dee, Julie-Ann’s parents, a northern couple of quite exceptional conformity and a seemingly permanent self-congratulatory manner.

  Derek Hello, there.

  Dee Hello!

  Derek You must be Justin?

  Justin That’s right.

  Derek Derek. I’m Derek Jobson.

  Justin Ah yes, hello.

  Derek This is my wife, Dee Jobson.

  Dee Hello, Justin. Dee Jobson. Pleased to meet you. I’m Derek’s wife.

  Justin Yes, please come in.

  Dee Oh, isn’t this nice? Lovely, isn’t it, Derek?

  Derek Very, very nice indeed, Dee. Ah.

  The Jobsons stop as they see Paige and Micky.

  Justin Ah, yes. These are neighbours of mine. Can I introduce Paige and Micky who live upstairs.

  Micky holds out his hand. Justin returns the key to him.

  This is – er – Derek and Dee.

  Derek Derek Jobson, how do you do?

  Paige Hello.

  Derek My wife Dee.

  Dee Derek’s wife.

  Micky Hi.

  Dee Oh yes, isn’t this lovely?

  Derek I see you’ve got weather down here as well, by the look of it.

  Justin Yes.

  Dee Look, you can see the river, Derek. Look. The River Thames.

  Derek Well, I sincerely hope it is, Dee, for your sake. If it turns out to be the River Ouse, we can only blame your map-reading, eh?

  He laughs. She laughs. The others smile. It is something the Jobsons do quite a lot of whenever Derek coins a new witticism.

  Dee He’s a laugh.

  Justin Yes.

  Dee There’s some days I don’t stop laughing from the minute I wake up. He knows what gets me going. He sometimes doesn’t let up till bedtime. Do you, you devil? He’s a laugh.

  Justin Yes.

  A pause. Justin laughs apropos of nothing very much. Another pause.

  (at last) How was your journey?

  Derek Dreadful.

  Dee Sixty-mile-an-hour crosswinds.

  Derek Seventy. Had to lash her to the roof for ballast. (He laughs.)

  Dee laughs. Silence.

  Justin Would you both care for a drink? Er – Dee, can I get you something?

  Dee Oh yes, I’ll have – er … What’ll I have? Yes, I’ll have a – no – oh, I don’t know. I’ll have a – oh. I’ll have – come back to me. Ask Derek.

  Derek Small Scotch – tiny bit of water, no ice, please, Justin.

  Justin Coming up.

  Derek And if you have a single malt, Justin, I won’t say no.

  Justin Certainly have. Paige, I’m so sorry. Would you care for something?

  Paige I’ll have a large gin, thank you.

  Justin Certainly. With tonic?

  Paige Neat.

  Justin (doubtful) Right. Micky?

  Micky I never drink.

  Derek Sensible man.

  Micky I get blinding headaches.

  Justin (starting to dispense the drinks) Dee, have you decided yet?

  Dee Yes, I have. I’ll have a … I’ll have a … oh … I think I’ll have a … no …

  Justin I’ll come back to you. (handing Paige her drink) Paige.

  Paige Ta.

  Derek Where’s our Apple then? Where’s our little Apple hiding?

  Justin Sorry?

  Dee Julie-Ann. We always call her our little Apple.

  Derek Apple of our eye.

  Justin Oh, I see.

  Dee Little Apple. Still, as I said on the way down, didn’t I, Derek? She can’t stay on the tree for ever. She has to be plucked sooner or later.

  Justin has a little problem pouring the drinks.

  Derek You’re plucking our cream, Justin. You’re plucking the cream of our crop, lad.

  Justin Yes, well, sorry about that. Julie – Julie-Ann’s just popped out for a – She’ll be back in a second. (handing Derek his drink) Er – Derek.

  Derek Thank you very much.

  Justin Now, Dee, have you decided yet?

  Dee Er …

  Derek The point is we’ve got the three daughters, Justin – I don’t know if you know this – Lucy-Jane, the eldest, who we prefer never to mention, she’s in Canada – enough said about that – and Sally-Jo who’s now in the West Country and has formed what we consider an unsuitable relationship.

  Dee Which we won’t discuss.

  Derek Which we won’t discuss in polite company. So we’re left with our youngest and brightest. Dream child, Justin. Wasn’t she, Dee?

  Dee A dream. Never cried. Never lost her temper.

  Derek Never had a day’s worry about her. Have we? Ever?

  Dee Never. Unlike the other two …
<
br />   Derek Well, the other two.

  Dee Have you met our Julie-Ann – er – sorry, Paige, was it?

  Paige Paige.

  Dee Page. As in book?

  Paige As in three.

  Dee Beg pardon. (She puzzles over this.) No, you’ll like Julie-Ann, Paige. She’s a lovely girl. I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t get on with her, do you, Derek?

  Derek No one I can think of.

  Dee Unassuming, wonderful temperament, a little bit modest …

  Derek A bit too modest sometimes.

  Dee Well, possibly. Still, it’s a fault in the right direction, isn’t it?

  Derek Oh, yes. I like modesty in a woman. (Pause.) Makes up for me. (He laughs.)

  Dee (pealing with laughter) Makes up for him.

  They both laugh for a little.

  Oh dear. Do you both have children, Paige and – er – Micky?

  Paige You must be joking.

  Micky goes and re-locks the front door.

  Justin Paige is a dancer, so she …

  Derek A dancer? Ah!

  Paige Ex-dancer.

  Derek Show business, eh? And what line are you in, Micky?

  Micky Security.

  Derek Oh, right. I approve of that.

  Dee We need it, don’t we?

  Derek These days.

  Dee It’s everywhere.

  Derek I blame the teachers. Well, here’s to us.

  Dee Us.

  They are about to drink.

  I know. Could I possibly have a glass of water, do you think?

  Justin Yes, of course. Look, would everyone like to sit down?

  Derek Why not?

  Dee Why not? (to Paige) Oh, Page Three. I see what you mean. I just got it, yes.

  They all sit while Justin fetches some water from the kitchen.

  Derek We’re in garden centres, you know, Micky. All around the Doncaster area. One in Dredsham. One in Pondleton. And the another one just outside Clackett.

  Paige Oh, yes?

  Dee South Yorkshire.

  Derek You ever visited Yorkshire? Finest county in the world. Isn’t it, Dee?

  Dee In the world.

  Derek Can’t beat it.