Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

Pause.

  Paige Whereabouts is it, then? Near Birmingham?

  Dee Not really, no.

  Pause.

  Derek You can keep Truro, I tell you that.

  Dee (softly) Don’t bring up Truro, love.

  Derek No, quite right. Sorry.

  Dee We’re trying to forget about Truro, aren’t we? (accepting the water from Justin) Thank you, Justin. Will we have seen you dancing anywhere, Paige? Have you been in anything we might have seen?

  Paige I hope not.

  Derek Cats? Have you been in Cats?

  Paige No.

  Dee Phantom of the Opera?

  Paige No.

  Derek Les Misérables?

  Paige No.

  Dee The Lion King?

  Paige No.

  Derek No? That’s about the lot, isn’t it?

  Dee Can’t think of any others.

  Paige I’m not that sort of dancer.

  Dee Oh, I see. You’re more …? Are you?

  Paige I’m more of a lap dancer –

  Justin Classical. Classical dancer. Lapland National Ballet. Famous.

  Derek Oh, I see. Classical.

  Dee We don’t really go for that, do we?

  Derek No, can’t see what they see in it. (Slight pause.) Trouble with ballet, you can never hear a word they’re saying, can you?

  He laughs. Dee laughs.

  Dee No, we prefer it with the songs.

  Justin Right.

  Dee What about you, Micky? You fond of dancing at all?

  Micky No.

  Dee Oh.

  Paige (slight pause) Micky prefers the opera.

  Derek Right.

  Justin (slight pause) Now then! Anyone ready for a refill?

  Derek Not quite yet.

  Paige Yes, please.

  Justin Yes. (He reluctantly accepts Paige’s empty glass.) The same again?

  Paige Same again. Less ice.

  Justin refills Paige’s glass. Slight pause. The conversation has flagged somewhat.

  Dee Yes. This is a lovely flat.

  Derek Lovely.

  Pause. Justin gives Paige her glass and sits in silence.

  Ficus elastica variegata.

  Paige Pardon?

  Derek That plant by the desk. Ficus elastica variegata. Or commonly, variegated rubber plant.

  Paige Really?

  Dee He can do that with everything.

  Slight pause.

  Derek Dracaena fragrans. That one by the door.

  Justin I wondered what it was.

  Dee He’s encyclopaedic.

  Slight pause.

  Derek And by the sofa. Cordyline terminalis. Needs re-potting, incidentally. Ask me another.

  Paige (softly) Bloody hell!

  Derek Sorry?

  The doorbell rings.

  Dee Is this her? This must be her.

  Justin Yes, I’ll –

  Derek Tell you what, shall we both hide? Both hide, shall we?

  Dee Oh, yes. Give Apple a surprise.

  Derek Come on, we’ll hide in the kitchen.

  Dee In the kitchen.

  The Jobsons both retreat to the kitchen. Justin waits.

  Oh, something smells good.

  Derek Let her in, then.

  Dee Let her in, Justin.

  Derek Watch her face.

  Dee Can’t wait.

  Justin gets the key from Micky and opens the front door. Julie-Ann enters. She is wearing a dress from Paige’s wardrobe. It is very tight and very revealing and no doubt something that Paige would feel totally at ease in. However, Julie-Ann is evidently acutely self-conscious at the unaccustomed exposure.

  Julie-Ann (going straight to Paige) For heaven’s sake, don’t you own even one decent dress? Just one that leaves something to the imagination!

  Derek and Dee choose this moment to leap out.

  Derek and Dee Surprise!

  They stop as they see Julie-Ann. They gape. A brief silence.

  Julie-Ann (sheepishly, trying vainly to cover herself) Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.

  Dee (disapprovingly) Oh! Oh, Apple.

  Derek (likewise) Oh, dear.

  Julie-Ann I’ll – er … I’ll just fetch a jumper. It’s a little chilly. (She hurries off to the bedroom.)

  Dee Well.

  Derek Well. That’s not our Apple, is it?

  Dee It certainly isn’t. That’s not good, is it?

  Derek That’s – well, I have to say it – that’s bordering on common.

  Dee Not like her. Not like Apple, at all. What do you think, Justin?

  Derek What’s your feeling about it, Justin? You approve of that, do you?

  Justin I – I … (swallowing) I think she looks sensational.

  Derek I see. If she tried wearing something like that when she lived at home she’d be straight to her room with no supper. I mean, I have to say it, a girl wears a dress like that, she’s just cheapening herself, in my view.

  Paige That’s an exclusive designer dress, if you don’t mind. And it was certainly not cheap.

  Dee Well, I’m sorry, I’m sure we meant no –

  Paige It certainly cost a bloody sight more than your off-the-peg Debenhams.

  Dee I’m sorry. I see no reason to start attacking –

  Derek Hey! Hey! Hey! That’s enough of that. Simmer down, girls. Come along! Come along! (winking at Justin) Girls and their dresses, eh?

  Paige Oh, go and re-pot yourself.

  Derek Sorry?

  Justin Derek, another whisky?

  Derek Not just at present, thank you, Justin. (to Paige) Moderation in all things.

  Paige (glaring at him) I’ll have another.

  Justin No, you won’t.

  The doorbell rings.

  Ah, that will either be our main course. Or my mother and her guest. Her guest is called Olaf – apparently. I’m not quite sure what he does but he’s from Sweden. At least I think it’s Sweden. Excuse me a minute.

  Justin goes to the door and admits his mother, Arabella Lazenby. She’s already the worse for wear from drink but like many alcoholics carries it off with a certain aplomb. Indeed, she is still good-looking and extremely stylish. Paige meanwhile marches to the bar and pours herself another large gin.

  Arabella (embracing Justin) Darling, hello! Justin, how are you, darling?

  Justin Hello, Mother, I’m very well, thank you. Where’s Olaf?

  Arabella Olaf I left in the Strand. He is a completely useless Swedish fart, darling. If I told him once, I told him ten times, Olaf, drive on the bloody left. But he was so drunk by then I don’t think he could tell his left from his right even in Swedish. So I left him to it and took a taxi. I said to him, Olaf, you sort it out with the bus crew, dear. I’m going to see my darling boy and his gorgeous new girlfriend. Now let me see her, let me look at her. Where is she then? Where’s your little poule de luxe? (She catches sight of Paige.) Oh God, Justin, she is gorgeous. Thank God! This time she is. She’s simply gorgeous! You clever boy, where did you find this one? She’s stunning. Hello, I’m Arabella Lazenby. I’m Justin’s mother. I’m so thrilled to meet –

  Justin (vainly) No, Mother, that isn’t –

  Paige Listen, I’m not –

  She is all but smothered by Arabella’s embrace. Micky re-locks the front door during the next.

  Arabella My dear, darling girl. I tell you, you are a sight for sore eyes. I cannot tell you how I was secretly dreading this meeting.

  Still clasping Paige, she beams round the rest of the assembly. Julie-Ann enters under the next. She has managed to conceal the more revealing parts of Paige’s dress. She has achieved this by wearing one of Justin’s striped football shirts over the top. She has cinched this in at the waist with one of his ties. Beneath this, the very short skirt peeks somewhat incongruously.

  (not seeing Julie-Ann) Hello! Whoever you all are! You must be the Lobsons. Hello! Well, let me tell you, all of you, this boy of mine, his usual taste in girls is simply sub-Crufts. I mean, he mu
st pick them up at the Battersea Dogs Home. They have all been without exception completely bizarre, bordering on the downright grotesque …

  Justin (quietly at first, under her) Mother … Mother … Mother …

  Arabella (oblivious) … no style, no beauty and certainly not a scrap of sex appeal. Now suddenly, he’s struck pure gold. My darling, I cannot tell you how welcome you are. The sooner you join this family, the better.

  Justin (loudly) MOTHER!

  Arabella What?

  Justin That is Paige who lives upstairs. That is not Julie-Ann.

  Arabella It isn’t?

  Justin That is Julie-Ann.

  Dee (with pride) That’s Julie-Ann.

  Derek (likewise) Julie-Ann.

  Arabella (gazing at Julie-Ann with some horror) Oh, my God! He’s done it again. Its another bloody dog!

  Julie-Ann bursts into tears and rushes back into the bedroom.

  Derek (following after her, concerned) Julie-Ann …

  Dee Julie-Ann …

  Derek Apple …

  Dee Apple …

  The Jobsons go after their daughter.

  Arabella What did I say? Did I say something?

  Justin Thank you so much, Mother …

  Arabella Sorry, darling. I think I’m suffering from the effects of my car crash. I badly need to lie down for a minute … (Her knees suddenly give way.)

  Paige Catch her!

  Micky and Justin react swiftly but fail to save Arabella, who nonetheless collapses conveniently on the sofa. Silence. From the bedroom, the sounds of loud wailing from Julie-Ann.

  Justin (at last, cheerfully) Well. Happy times. Anyone for soup?

  Micky and Paige stare at him. As Justin returns to the kitchen, the lights fade to:

  Blackout.

  Act Two

  The same. Two hours later. It has stopped raining at last. Arabella is asleep on the sofa, having slept through the entire meal, which is now nearing its end. She occasionally snores softly. Sounds of voices from the distant dining room. Loud laughter from the three Jobsons. In a moment, Julie-Ann enters with a cup of coffee. She is now wearing her original dress and seems more cheerful. Evidently she and Paige have done a clothes swap. Julie-Ann goes over to Arabella and hesitates a second. She then starts gently to try to shake her awake.

  Julie-Ann Mrs Lazenby … Mrs Lazenby …

  Arabella suddenly wakes with a snort, startling Julie-Ann.

  Arabella Wahh-hah-waaah! Who? Who did you say?

  Julie-Ann Mrs Lazenby …

  Arabella Where am I? Who the hell are you?

  Julie-Ann I’m Julie-Ann, Mrs Lazenby. Justin’s – girlfriend.

  Arabella Oh, God. So you are. Hello, there. I thought for a minute you were that other frightful thing in a football shirt.

  Julie-Ann Yes, that was me, Mrs Lazenby …

  Arabella Looked liked a Welsh pug, didn’t she? Is that coffee intended for me?

  Julie-Ann Yes, I thought you might …

  Arabella No, thank you. I never drink coffee, it’s very, very bad for me, it keeps me awake for days. If you have such a thing as a small brandy, I’d be most awfully grateful.

  Julie-Ann (uncertainly) Brandy. Yes …

  Arabella Thank you so much. Just the merest dribble.

  Julie-Ann Yes.

  Julie-Ann puts the coffee cup down on the table and goes to the bar, where she pours a modest brandy.

  Arabella Have I been asleep?

  Julie-Ann Yes.

  Arabella Good Lord. How long for?

  Julie-Ann Two hours. We’ve all had dinner. Would you care for something to eat?

  Arabella No, thank you. I never eat at this time of night. It’s terribly bad for me. What time is it?

  Julie-Ann Just after nine. (holding up the brandy glass) Is that enough?

  Arabella Tiddly bit more, darling.

  Julie-Ann pours some more and brings it over to Arabella.

  Julie-Ann You’re sure you won’t have a little chicken?

  Arabella A little what?

  Julie-Ann Chicken. To eat.

  Arabella Good God, no.

  Julie-Ann How about some mousse?

  Arabella No, it’s very sweet of you, darling, but I can’t stand reindeer meat. It’s far too rich. I honestly don’t know what people see in it. (taking the brandy) Thank you so much. (She throws back the brandy in one.) That’s lovely. Thank you.

  Julie-Ann (sitting and starting to sip the coffee) I just wanted to say – I think – we may have got off on the wrong foot.

  Arabella Foot?

  Julie-Ann I realise you were probably still in shock from your accident but I just wanted to say that I hope we can be friends. I’d like us to be friends. After all, we both love Justin, don’t we? We have that in common.

  Arabella What accident?

  Julie-Ann You were in an accident.

  Arabella Was I?

  Julie-Ann Apparently. In your car. With a bus.

  Arabella Good lord. Was I hurt?

  Julie-Ann I don’t think so. Just shocked.

  Arabella Was I driving?

  Julie-Ann No, I think it was a man called Olaf.

  Arabella Extraordinary. You know, I’ve completely forgotten all about it. I do a lot of that these days. Well, Sally-Ann, I’m certain us two, we’re going to be absolute bosom buddies … Could you possibly get me another teeny one of these, dear, would you mind?

  Julie-Ann Yes, Mrs Lazenby.

  Arabella (flashing her a winning smile) Arabella.

  Julie-Ann Arabella. (returning to the bar) And it’s Julie-Ann.

  Arabella Is it? It’s very, very good whatever it is. I don’t think I’ve tried it before.

  Julie-Ann refills the glass and returns it to Arabella.

  By the way, for God’s sake, don’t call me Mrs Lazenby. I can’t stand being called Mrs Lazenby. I haven’t been Mrs Lazenby for years. Not since Lazenby walked out on me in Cairo taking every single traveller’s cheque I had. (accepting the glass) Thank you so much. (drinking) Lovely. What did you say it was called. Julie –?

  Julie-Ann Julie-Ann. No, that’s my name.

  Arabella (rising uncertainly) Well, good luck to you, darling. Just pray he doesn’t take after his bloody father, that’s all I can say. (She lurches towards the door.) I’m just going to powder my nose. It’s somewhere through here, I take it? Then I must join the party. See you in a minute, Polly.

  Julie-Ann Yes.

  Arabella exits. Julie-Ann stands for a moment frowning. There has been, in her view, a distinct failure to communicate. She goes into the kitchen and pours the rest of the coffee away. There is a bowl in the sink filled with soapy water. They have obviously, to some extent, been washing up as they went along. She rinses the cup and starts to sing. Derek and Justin come in. Derek has his nearly-empty coffee cup.

  Justin (as they enter) … no, it’s leasehold. Long lease. I’ve been here just over five years.

  Derek It’s well positioned …

  Justin Yes, it’s very handy for my work and the area’s still developing all the time. Well, all around Docklands, of course …

  They see Julie-Ann.

  Derek Hello, Apple.

  Julie-Ann Hello, Daddy. Everything alright?

  Derek Absolutely perfect. Beautiful meal, Apple, first class.

  Julie-Ann Thank you. Justin did the soup. I did the Kiwi Mousse –

  Derek Wonderful. Er – would you – would you give us a couple of minutes alone, Apple? Would you mind?

  Julie-Ann What? (realising) Oh, yes. Of course. (She starts to go out hurriedly.)

  Derek Just a couple of minutes, darling.

  Julie-Ann (as she leaves) Of course …

  She goes off to the dining room.

  Derek Temperament like an angel, hasn’t she?

  Justin Oh, yes.

  Derek Just like her mother.

  Justin Right.

  Derek Do you find that?

  Justin Well, of course, I’ve onl
y just met her mother …

  Derek She and I, we haven’t exchanged a word in anger in twenty-three years.

  Justin You and Julie-Ann?

  Derek Me and Dee. Few couples can say that.

  Justin Very few.

  Derek Aha! Do I spy brandy?

  Justin Yes, would you like a –

  Derek Wouldn’t say no.

  Justin pours them both a brandy at the bar during the next. Derek moves in on him.

  Derek Now, Justin, I wanted a quick word.

  Justin Yes?

  Derek I don’t want to pre-empt anything you’re maybe going to announce this evening – frankly, we have had wind that there might be a speech in the offing and I don’t want to anticipate that in any way – but I’d like you to be filled in on the situation as it stands – in regard to our own standpoint. Mine and Dee’s. Number one, we’re over the moon about you and Julie-Ann, we really are.

  Justin Thank you.

  Derek We knew we’d take to you. She kept us posted about you, of course. We liked the sound of you, Justin, and we’re not disappointed.

  Justin I’m glad.

  Derek To be honest, between these four walls, we’ve had a lot of heartbreak with our other two girls. But this time, I think we’ve made it. (taking the brandy at last) Thank you. Good health.

  Justin Good health.

  Derek Right, very briefly, Jobson’s – that’s my firm – consists of three separate garden centres. All near Doncaster. One in Dredsham. One in Pondleton. And the other one just outside Clackett. All of them prime sites, all in South Yorkshire. Now, you won’t believe this, Justin, nobody does. But I’m nearly sixty. You wouldn’t believe that now, would you?

  Justin (trying to sound amazed) Goodness, no.

  Derek Nonetheless, it’s time for me to be looking ahead, Justin. You know what they say. There is no such thing in life as immortality. Not in this life, anyway. So. To put it bluntly, I’m looking for a son and heir, Justin. Someone to take up the Jobson’s banner. Yes? You with me so far?

  Justin Ah. Well, I’m –

  Derek No, you don’t have to say anything. Not at this stage. I’m dropping that in your ear, that’s all I’m doing. In your ear. Once you’ve had time to think, you must come north and see for yourself. I think you’ll be impressed, Justin, I think you’ll be excited. I know you will. I think you’ll feel the tingle of challenge, lad. Hear what I’m saying?