Damsels in Distress
Page 21
Derek Sit down for a minute, Justin. Pull up a chair.
Justin Right.
Derek We can all sit together for a minute, anyway.
Dee Oh, yes.
Justin starts to bring a kitchen chair through to the sitting room. He sees Micky is still standing.
Justin Micky?
Micky What?
Justin A chair?
Micky No, it’s OK, I’m –
Justin Come on, there’s two here.
Micky takes the chair sooner than argue. He sits near the front door. Justin brings the other chair through and sits in the kitchen doorway. They are now all assembled. Silence.
Well. What’s new?
Pause.
Julie-Ann My mother just sat on a fork.
Justin Really?
Julie-Ann A dessert fork.
Justin Ah.
Pause.
Derek Here’s one. You won’t have heard this. It’s a good ’un.
Dee He’s going to tell a joke.
Julie-Ann Are you going to tell us a joke, Dad?
Dee He knows millions of jokes.
Derek There’s these three fellers, one of them’s Jewish, one of them’s a Pakistani and the other one’s queer …
Arabella You know I simply adore your accent, I’m absolutely riveted by it. It’s like listening to gravy. Rich, thick gravy.
Derek Beg your pardon?
Arabella Whereas hers is completely different. (indicating Paige) Your daughter’s accent here is from the other end of the country entirely. How do you explain that?
Derek That’s not my daughter.
Arabella Isn’t she?
Dee (indicating Julie-Ann) This is our daughter.
Arabella Oh, that’s your daughter. I wish you’d make up your bloody mind.
Justin We keep telling you, Mother.
Arabella (muttering) Well, they both look identical to me. I don’t know how you’re ever supposed to tell them apart.
Julie-Ann (murmuring) I sincerely hope you can.
Silence.
Paige (suddenly) I didn’t always talk like this. I used to talk very, very posh indeed because I come originally from this amazingly smart family. They were real upper class. Only when I was sixteen, see, I was riding on the back of my boyfriend’s motorbike only we weren’t wearing helmets and we hit this hole in the road doing about seventy-five and we were both hurled sixty feet into a brick wall and he was killed outright and I was in a coma for eighteen months.
Dee Oh, dear.
Derek Dear.
Paige And when I finally came to, my memory was completely gone. My head was totally empty. I didn’t know who I was or anything. They told me I was like a child of two. And I had to be taught everything, all over again. How to talk, how to write, how to feed myself. I even had to learn how to go to the toilet. And I had this one nurse that taught me everything, you see. Everything. Only she talked like this. So subsequently when I learnt to talk again, I talked like her. Like this. Only if she’d been Welsh or Scottish, I’d probably have had a Taffy accent, you see. Or Scotch.
Silence.
I never told anyone that before.
Julie-Ann (softly) I’m not surprised.
Paige Thought you might be interested.
Julie-Ann (sotto) Justy …
Justin Mmm?
Julie-Ann Are you going to …?
Justin Mmm?
Julie-Ann Speech.
Justin What?
Julie-Ann (a little louder) Speech.
Justin Yes.
A silence.
Arabella Has anyone been to Glyndebourne this year?
Silence.
No? Well, you missed nothing, I can tell you that. I only went for the Mozart. It was the worst Flute I’ve ever had the misfortune to hear.
Derek Really?
Arabella Dreadful.
Slight pause.
Dee What was the rest of the orchestra like?
Arabella I beg your pardon?
Silence.
Julie-Ann (sotto) Justy … Speech. Make your speech.
Justin Ah …
Derek This one you’ll like. There’s this West Indian bookie and he’s trying to –
Julie-Ann Daddy, I’m sorry to interrupt. I think Justin has something to say to us all. Speech!
Derek Oh, I’m sorry. Has he? Justin. Speech!
Dee Speech!
Julie-Ann Speech!
Justin Yes. (He rises.) Yes. Er … Derek … Dee … Mother … Er … Yes. I wanted to say. I have something I need to say to you all. It’s with … It’s with great …
Julie-Ann (encouragingly) Go on, Justy, we’re all listening, darling …
Justin It’s with … it’s … it’s … (suddenly bursting loudly into song)
It’s a long way to Tipperary,
It’s a long way to go;
It’s a long way to Tipperary,
And the sweetest girl I know.
Goodbye Piccadilly,
Farewell Leicester Square:
It’s a long, long way to Tipperary,
But my heart’s right there.
He finishes and sits down. A stunned silence.
Arabella (applauding, finally) Jolly good, darling!
Julie-Ann Justy!
Micky’s mobile rings. Both he and Paige jump slightly.
Micky Excuse me.
Micky goes to the front door and talks in an undertone.
(sotto) … yes … yes … sure, Rudy … yes … OK. Yes, Rudy.
Arabella (during this) Has anybody else got a turn they can do? (to Julie-Ann) Weren’t you telling me you were a dancer?
Paige No, that was me.
Arabella You? Well, how about a dance, then?
Justin I don’t think so, Mother.
Micky has finished his phone call. Paige is looking at him.
Micky They’re on their way back. They’ll be here in just under an hour.
Paige Right.
Dee Expecting friends, are you?
Paige No.
Silence. Paige suddenly springs off her stool. There is a desperation about her.
Alright. Here we go then. You want a dance, I’ll give you a dance then.
Justin Paige …
Paige I’ll give you a dance you won’t forget, you bastards.
Arabella Oh, lovely.
Paige (at the CD player) This thing work, does it?
Julie-Ann What do you think you’re doing?
Paige starts to sifts through the CDs. Carelessly tossing them aside until she finds one she likes.
Justin Paige …
Paige Here! This’ll do! (She switches on the player and loads the CD.) Ready then. Here we go!
She presses the remote play. A raunchy tune starts up and Paige goes into her routine. Hardly subtle and, in the context of the occasion, somewhat indelicate. Although she makes passing contact with both Derek and Micky it is towards Justin that she directs most of her lap-dancing expertise. The sequence is short and steamy. The party sit transfixed until Julie-Ann, unable to contain herself a moment longer, hurls herself in a fury first to switch off the CD player and then at Paige herself. Paige, temporarily taken off-balance, soon recovers. She is an experienced street fighter, more than a match for Julie-Ann. The two grapple for a moment until the others finally intervene. Micky drags Paige clear, pinioning her arms to her side. Paige continues to snarl, kick and struggle in his grasp like a wild animal. Julie-Ann, rescued by Dee and Derek, is hysterical with anger and frustration. All the following overlaps.
Justin Julie, for God’s sake … what do you think you’re doing … Paige … Come on, that’ll do. Someone’s going to get hurt in a minute, come on … (etc.)
Micky (simultaneously) Oy! Oy! That’s it! That’s enough of that! Paige! You’re out of order, Paige, out of order! Come on, calm down … (etc.)
Derek (simultaneously) Now then, girls. Now then, girls. Julie-Ann, you stop that at once. Apple, come on. Control, Apple … co
ntrol … Apple … Apple … Apple … (etc.)
Dee (simultaneously) Julie-Ann, stop that … stop it, stop it, stop it! She’s not worth it, the little slut … Don’t you hurt my daughter, young woman. How dare you … (etc.)
Arabella (simultaneously) Oh, things are hotting up, aren’t they? All we need is a spot of mud and we’ll have the full cabaret. I’m putting my money on the blonde. Five to one the blonde, fifteen to one the brunette … etc.
Till finally:
Derek (to Dee, whilst restraining Julie-Ann) Bring her in the bedroom, take her in the bedroom, Dee …
Dee Right. Come along, Apple, come along, darling. Calm down. (to Paige, as they go) You vicious, brazen little hussy …
Derek and Dee go off with Julie-Ann to the bedroom. Paige has exhausted herself from her struggles. Micky puts her firmly in the armchair.
Micky You sit there and calm down. You get up again, I will knock you down in person. Alright?
Paige doesn’t move but buries her head in her hands and remains motionless during the next. Justin surveys the scene with incredulity.
Justin (softly) Good God!
Arabella Is it all over, then?
Justin Yes, Mother.
The doorbell rings. Paige and Micky look up.
Micky (to Paige) Can’t be them. Not yet.
Justin Might be the cab. Just a minute.
Justin retrieves the key from Micky once again and goes out of the front door briefly.
Arabella Did he say that was my taxi?
Micky Possibly.
Arabella Splendid.
She starts to get up. Justin returns.
Justin Yes, it’s the cab. You ready, Mother?
Arabella Yes, I think I’ve got everything … Thank you for a lovely evening, darling. Absolutely fabulous. (to Paige) And lovely to meet you and I do hope to see a lot more of you in the future. You must come to Godalming. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Justin Come on, Mother. Is this your coat?
Arabella Yes, it could be. Looks rather like it.
Justin Right. Off we go then. He’s waiting.
Arabella Well, he can bloody well wait, darling. He’s only a cab driver, for God’s sake. (to Micky) Goodnight. I wish I’d seen you box, you know. I’m sure she’s right. You must have been terrific. ’Bye.
Micky ’Bye.
Arabella goes out with Justin. Paige and Micky are alone again. A silence. Micky sits, a troubled man. Quite suddenly, still in the armchair, Paige starts to scream and drum her arms and legs in a frenzy of anger, frustration and despair. The cry of someone who senses their meaningless, wasted life is all but over. She rips off her jewellery and hurls it across the room. This attack continues for some time. Micky stares at her but does not move. Just as suddenly, Paige stops. Silence.
Paige (recovering, dully) So what’s the score now, Micky?
Micky (unhappily) Same as ever. Wait for Rudy.
Paige Just checking.
Micky It’s the only way, Paige. I can’t see another way.
Paige Micky, you would be stuck for choice at a cross-roads, you would. Alright. We’d better go upstairs and wait then, hadn’t we?
Micky Upstairs?
Paige Well, we don’t want to involve these people, do we now? And if Rudy has to come down here for me, then, like it or not, they will be seriously involved.
Micky See what you mean. They’ll be forty minutes yet. Winston’s driving. You know he don’t like overtaking.
Paige Right. Comes of driving a hearse all those years.
Justin returns. Micky re-locks the door.
Justin I hope Mother’ll be alright. It’s a mini-cab and he doesn’t seem to speak much English. Ah, well …
Paige We’ll be going upstairs in a minute, Justin. Leave you in peace.
Justin Upstairs, but …
Paige Thank you so much. I know we must have wrecked your evening completely and I really do apologise for roughing up your girlfriend, but she had it coming, Justin, she really did, I’m sorry. Someone had to do it.
Justin Probably. I don’t know.
Dee appears in the doorway. She has the manner of someone attending a funeral.
(seeing her) Oh. How is she?
Dee Justin, she would like a private word with you, please.
Justin (alarmed by Dee’s manner) She’s alright, isn’t she?
Dee If you could step this way a moment.
Justin Yes, right, I’ll …
Julie-Ann has appeared in the doorway behind her mother. She is pale and shaky but otherwise unharmed.
Julie-Ann It’s alright, Mummy …
Dee Apple, what are you doing standing up, Apple …?
Julie-Ann I’m alright.
Dee You should be lying down.
Julie-Ann Would you leave us a moment, please? I’d just like a private word with Justin.
Dee But surely we should be here to keep an eye on you, darling. You’re so weak, you can hardly …
Julie-Ann Please! All of you. Leave us! Please!
Paige Yes, well, we were going, anyway.
Justin Wait in the dining room, would you?
Paige No, we might as well –
Justin Please.
Paige OK.
Paige and Micky make to go off together with Dee.
Don’t be too long.
The three of them leave.
Justin Do you need to sit down?
Julie-Ann No. (gathering her thoughts) I just want to say, Justin, that I’m prepared to draw a veil over tonight. I think a lot of things went wrong – and some of it was probably my fault and some of it was yours. And some of it was that woman’s for bursting in and ruining our evening. All of us – and I know I’m speaking for my parents – we all want you to be part of our family. And I want to make this work. I love you very much, Justin. And I believe you love me. And I think we could have a happy life together. Given the right circumstances. That’s all I have to say.
Silence.
You don’t have to answer, not this minute. I just wanted to let you know my feelings. I love you very much, Justin. (tearful) Now, please excuse me. I have to lie down again for a little. My parents will be running me home soon. I’ll leave you to make up your own mind. (Julie-Ann turns and starts to go off.)
Justin (calling after her) Julie –
Julie-Ann (without looking back) ’Night.
Justin stands in an agony of indecision.
Justin Oh, God!
The doorbell rings.
Who the hell –?
Paige and Micky arrive in the dining-room doorway.
Micky It can’t be.
Justin (realising who it must be) Oh. It’s OK. I’ll tell him you’re not here. I’ll say I’ve never heard of you …
Micky He’s not going to –
Paige Don’t be stupid, Justin. lt’s got nothing to do with – Oh, God!
Justin Ssshh!
Micky tosses him the key. Justin marches swiftly to the door and throws it open. As he does so:
Hello! Can I help you at –
Arabella is standing there. She marches past him and into the flat.
Arabella Well, so much for mini-cabs, darling. Not only did it not have a single working seat belt but the dear man hadn’t a clue where we were going. He seemed to think, as far as I could gather from his strangled English, that I wanted to go somewhere in EC4. Which is all of a hundred and fifty yards away.
Justin EC4. I told them Godalming.
Arabella Well, he was hell-bent on Godliman Street, EC4. He had no knowledge of Godalming. Or indeed of Surrey. Surrey, I said. I’m very Surrey, he said. Surrey? No, I’m Surrey. We could have been at it all night. Apologising to each other in pidgin Urdu. So here I am again.
Justin I’d better try somewhere else for you. I’ll get my address book. They’re usually very reliable, that firm. (Justin goes off.)
Arabella (to the others) Hello, again.
Paige (dully) Hello.
; Paige sits. Arabella waits. A silence.
Micky Where is this Godalming, then?
Arabella Surrey. Very close to Guildford. Do you know Guildford?
Micky Oh, yes. I know Guildford. It’s near Woking.
Arabella Absolutely right.
Micky Which isn’t far from Leatherhead.
Arabella True.
Micky Which is not a stone’s throw from Reigate.
Arabella (tiring of this) Yes, well, everything’s incredibly close these days, isn’t it?
Silence.
Micky I’ll give you a lift, if you like.
Paige What?
Arabella What?
Micky I said I could give you a lift. If you like.
Arabella Oh. Well. (Slight pause.) Do you have a car?
Micky Oh, yes. I’ve got a car. Downstairs in the garage. Black Mercedes. Top-of-the-range automatic.
Paige Micky …
Micky Fully air-conditioned, latest reg. Smoked glass, bullet-proof windows, ABS braking …
Paige Micky, for God’s sake –
Micky Surround-sound stereo, built-in TV–video and a five-line cellular phone system. (an afterthought) And heated wing mirrors.
Arabella (tempted by the offer) Well. Does it have working seat belts, though?
Micky Oh, yes. It’s got seat belts. Six of them.
Arabella And do you prefer to drive on the left?
Micky All the time.
Arabella Well, in that case, thank you very much. If it’s not out of your way.
Micky Not really.
Arabella No?
Micky I don’t have a way.
They start to move to the door.
(to Paige) Coming, then?
Paige Why you doing this, Micky?
Micky I don’t know – I thought of you, in that hospital – with that nurse – her spending all that time teaching you and that. And I thought – if anything happened to you – what a waste for her … you know …