Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Justin Yes, well, of course I’d love to come and look round but I’m not sure it’s my sort of thing really. Garden centres. I mean, my line is computers.

  Derek Justin, can I say this? May I simply say, I’ll be the judge of that? Hear what I’m saying? Justin, I’m saying I know that, in my water, you’re a garden-centre man. Alright? I can feel it, Justin.

  Justin (rather alarmed) Can you?

  Paige and Micky enter. Micky is on his mobile. Paige is fairly drunk.

  Micky (as they come on, into the mobile) … yes … no … OK, Winston … yes …

  Derek Would you mind, for a second? We’re just having a private word here.

  Micky ignores them and opens the balcony doors and steps outside, pushing Paige ahead of him.

  Micky (as he does so) … yes … no … OK … yes, Winston …

  Paige (to the others) Excuse us.

  Micky closes the doors and we can no longer hear the phone call.

  Derek I have to say I’m not altogether struck with the quality of your neighbours, Justin.

  Justin No?

  Derek But then that’s London for you. Have you known them long?

  Justin No. No time at all.

  Derek I mean, they seem very devoted to each other, almost inseparable – I approve of that – I mean, they even go to the toilet together, don’t they? Have you noticed?

  Justin Well …

  Derek No, but that little girl, she’s got a tongue on her. Never heard language like it in my life. Not from a woman. Effing and blinding. Pass the effing this. I mean, frankly, I don’t see the need for it, Justin. And it’s everywhere, isn’t it? Have you noticed? Television, newspapers. Films. We can’t go any more, Dee and me. To the cinema. Last film we saw was Sound of Music. I mean, face it, all this sex everywhere you turn. Who needs it? I certainly don’t. Do you want it? Thrust in your face, practically rammed down your throat every place you turn? ’Course you don’t. Ordinary people – you, me, Dee, Julie-Ann. We can do without all that, thank you very much.

  Justin (faintly) Yes …

  Micky and Paige come in from the balcony, leaving the windows open. Micky has finished the phone call. They are arguing.

  Micky … listen, I’m just doing what I’m paid for, that’s all …

  Paige … come on, Micky, don’t give me all that shit, you bastard …

  Micky … there’s no point in arguing, Paige, I do what I’m told, that’s all …

  Paige Well, fuck you …

  They go off towards the dining room.

  Derek Wants her mouth rinsing out with washing-up liquid, that one. That’s what we did with our eldest, Lucy-Jane. She never swore again, I tell you that. Sick for days.

  Justin (closing the windows again) Yes. Derek, how about your other two daughters? Aren’t they interested in taking over? Possibly?

  Derek Listen. This is to go no further than these walls because it upsets my wife. Our eldest, Lucy-Jane – she has – how shall I put it – selected an unnatural alternative lifestyle. One that her mother and I cannot countenance.

  Justin An alternative –? You mean she’s joined some sect?

  Derek In a way. (He finds this difficult.) In a phrase, she’s gone to Canada. With a female friend. And turned her back on conventional sexual behaviour.

  Justin Oh, I see. Well.

  Derek I don’t need to spell it out. She’s formed an unnatural relationship and broken her mother’s heart, Justin. She was set on grandchildren, you see. We both were.

  Justin But surely she’s still your daughter?

  Derek Not any more. I think it’s all down to you and Julie-Ann now, Justin. I said to Dee, thank God there’s one.

  Justin How about your other daughter? She’s married, isn’t she?

  Derek Sally-Jo? Yes, she’s married.

  Justin But no children?

  Derek (grimly) Four children.

  Justin Well, then.

  Derek But – it’s not a marriage we can countenance, Justin.

  Justin Why on earth not?

  Derek He’s – he’s a … nice enough lad but … He’s … I sincerely believe, Justin, that human beings are like garden fish.

  Justin Sorry?

  Derek We were made different colours for a good reason, Justin. To differentiate us. So you don’t get a goldfish spawning with a rainbow carp, you follow what I’m saying?

  Justin (bewildered) No …

  Derek I’ve nothing against any man. Live and let live. Evil unto no one. But each in his own ornamental pond, Justin. That’s all I’m saying.

  Justin I don’t quite follow this. Are you saying your son-in-law is black?

  Derek He’s Chinese.

  Justin (shaking his head) My God!

  Derek So you understand?

  Justin Excuse me, I just have to – I just have to go – out here – for a minute … Excuse me.

  Derek Think it over, what I said, won’t you?

  Justin Yes. My God!

  Justin passes Arabella in the doorway with her empty glass. Derek seems pleased with himself. He walks to the window and looks out.

  Arabella (to Justin as he passes her) Hello, darling. May I help myself …

  Justin (on his way out) Please do, Mother. (Justin goes

  out to the dining room.)

  Arabella (seeing Derek) Hello, there.

  Derek Hello, there.

  Arabella Mr Dobson …

  Derek Jobson, yes.

  Arabella (helping herself to another brandy) I’ve just, been talking to your jolly wife. She’s an absolute hoot, isn’t she? She was telling me all about your shops.

  Derek Garden centres, yes.

  Arabella They sound quite extraordinary.

  Derek Well, you must come and have a look round. You’d be most welcome any time. I’ll give you a special conducted tour.

  Arabella But aren’t they in Yorkshire?

  Derek That’s right.

  Arabella That’s a hell of a long way to look at a load of bloody garden gnomes, isn’t it?

  Derek (put out) Well, we do sell a good deal more than that.

  Arabella Actually, if you don’t mind my saying so, you do look a little bit like a garden gnome yourself. Has anyone ever told you?

  Derek (moving away) Excuse me. Just check how they’re getting on in there.

  Arabella Jolly good, you do that.

  Arabella sips her brandy and eventually sits. Derek heads for the door. He steps aside to let first Dee, then Julie-Ann, then Paige and Micky, and finally Justin pass. Justin and the women all carry dirty plates and cutlery. Micky is empty-handed.

  Dee (passing Derek) We’re all just coming through, dear.

  Derek Good. Good. Won’t be a minute. (Derek goes out.)

  Julie-Ann (to Paige) Just put them on here …

  Dee (calling after Derek) Could you bring some things through when you come, dear?

  Derek (off) What?

  Dee (calling) Could you bring some things through?

  Derek returns.

  Derek What was that?

  Dee Could you bring some things through?

  Derek Oh, right. I’m just going to the – you-know-where. You don’t have to come with me, though.

  He laughs. Dee laughs. Derek goes out again. Paige and Micky have gone through to the sitting room. They sit. Micky looks at his watch. Julie-Ann is tidying away. Justin takes the plates from Dee and stacks them ready for washing.

  Dee Now leave all this to me, Apple.

  Julie-Ann No, we won’t do it now, Mummy.

  Dee Won’t take a minute. We can’t leave it all for Justin, can we?

  Julie-Ann We don’t need to do it now.

  Dee Won’t take a second, Apple. Don’t sulk.

  Julie-Ann Really … (Julie-Ann goes out to the dining room again.)

  Arabella (to Paige and Micky) Hello, there.

  Paige Hello.

  Micky nods.

  Arabella It’s the Siamese twins.

&
nbsp; Dee starts washing up. As she does so she starts singing discordantly, very much like Julie-Ann did. Justin stares at her in horror.

  Dee (to Justin) What you need is a dishwasher.

  Justin Yes. Of course, generally there’s only the two of me. One of me.

  Derek (calling off, inaudibly) Grob de luxe in fender.

  Dee (calling) What’s that, dear?

  Derek (calling off, inaudibly) Grob de luxe in fender.

  Dee Excuse me. (calling, as she goes off) I can’t hear you, dear. What did you say?

  Justin watches this last with appalled fascination. Dee goes out. Justin starts on the washing-up.

  Arabella (intimately, to Paige) I’m awfully glad he’s marrying you, you know.

  Paige What?

  Arabella Rather than that other one.

  Paige Who’s marrying who?

  Arabella My son.

  Paige Yes?

  Arabella Marrying you.

  Paige No, he’s not.

  Arabella My God, you haven’t broken it off already, have you? They all do that in the end, you know. None of them can put up with him for more than ten minutes.

  Paige No, he’s marrying the other one.

  Arabella What other one?

  Justin (pained, listening to this from the kitchen) Mother!

  Arabella Well, I don’t know, you all look alike to me. So long as it’s not the one in the football jersey … (to Micky) And what are you both doing here?

  Paige We’re neighbours.

  Arabella Neighbours?

  Paige From upstairs.

  Arabella I see. I’m his mother.

  Paige Yes.

  Arabella What do you do?

  Paige I’ve retired. I used to be a dancer.

  Arabella A dancer! How super! Yes, I can see you. Have you danced Coppélia? You must have danced Coppélia, surely?

  Paige No, I’ve only been as far as Amsterdam.

  Arabella (only a little mystified) Yes? I’m afraid I missed that. (to Micky) And you? How about you?

  Paige Micky’s in security.

  Arabella Security? Do you drive around in a van with a plastic hat on, then?

  Micky What?

  Paige He used to be a boxer.

  Arabella A boxer? Oh, terrific! I adore boxing. I’m a great fan. I find it riveting.

  Micky Do you?

  Arabella Oh, yes. My second husband used to take me to live fights all the time. Before he left me. Desperately exciting. I adore the atmosphere.

  Micky Can’t beat it.

  Arabella It must have been fantastic being in the actual ring itself, wasn’t it?

  Micky – er – sometimes.

  Arabella Wasn’t it exciting for you? It must have been thrilling, surely?

  Micky Yes. From what I can remember. I mean, there was usually someone in there with you trying to flatten you, of course.

  Arabella Oh, to be a man! I’d love to have had a go. Were you successful? I mean, did you win a lot of fights?

  Micky (unhappily) I – er … Well, I …

  He hesitates. He looks at Paige. Arabella does likewise.

  Paige He was brillantly successful.

  Arabella Really? What made you give up? (She looks at Paige again.)

  Paige Micky had a rare medical condition. He retired undefeated. Didn’t you?

  Micky I – er …

  Paige He’s still got his belt.

  Arabella How impressive.

  Dee comes back with more items from the dining room. Cruets, mats, etc. Julie-Ann follows, returning the kitchen chairs to their original places.

  Dee Nearly there. Just the glasses. And odds and ends.

  Arabella Listen, I really must lend them a hand. Do my bit. Will you excuse me?

  Paige Certainly.

  Dee goes out again. Arabella follows. Julie-Ann fusses in the kitchen for a second. Justin continues to wash dishes. Micky gets up.

  Micky I don’t know what to do, Paige. I don’t know what to do for the best.

  Paige I’ve told you, it’s your call, Micky. All I can say is that if I’m here when Rudy gets back, I’m as good as dead, aren’t I?

  Micky But if you’re not here when he comes back, then I’m certainly dead.

  Paige What did Winston say to you?

  Micky Two of our lads didn’t even go the distance and Rudy wasn’t in a very good mood …

  Paige Bloody hell! God help us both.

  Julie-Ann has come out of the kitchen and moves to Paige. She speaks over Paige’s next.

  Then all I can say is we might as well open those bloody windows here and now and jump in that river –

  Julie-Ann (over this) I would be extremely grateful if for the remainder of this evening you would mind moderating your language in front of my parents.

  Paige (sourly) Oh, sod off, you stupid cow.

  Julie-Ann tosses her head contemptuously and exits.

  Micky (unhappily) I don’t know what to do, Paige.

  Paige (rising, angrily) Well, you’re going to have to make a decision soon, aren’t you, Micky? Because I don’t want to die even if you do.

  Justin has come through from the kitchen in response to her raised voice.

  (apologetically) Sorry, Justin. Buggering up your evening, aren’t we?

  Justin You OK?

  Paige We’ll try and behave ourselves. While we’re here. It’s just that they’re not our sort of people, these, really.

  Justin I’m – I’m not at all surprised. As a matter of fact they’re not –

  A loud crash of breaking glass interrupts him. A scream from Dee. Paige and Micky rise startled. Micky produces his gun.

  Arabella (off) Oh, shit!

  Justin (hurrying to the door) Oh, Mother …

  Paige What the hell was that?

  Consternation off from Dee and Julie-Ann.

  Justin Mother … (Justin dashes off.)

  Paige Micky, put the gun away.

  Micky does so.

  It’s not even loaded, is it?

  Micky How do you know?

  Paige Because Rudy’s got more sense than to trust you with a loaded gun, that’s why. Probably blow your foot off. Or his.

  Micky Don’t tell anyone, will you?

  Paige Wouldn’t dream of it.

  Micky I could lose – credibility.

  Julie-Ann dashes on briefly. She grabs a dustpan and brush from under the sink and hurries off again. Shortly, the sound of glass being swept up offstage and more voices.

  Micky Why’d you tell that woman I was a champion boxer?

  Paige (shrugging) I don’t know. Didn’t want you to lose your credibility, I suppose.

  Arabella is helped on, supported by Derek and Julie-Ann.

  Derek (as they enter) … carefully, carefully, mind yourself here …

  Arabella … so silly of me … sheer carelessness … I was thinking of something else … I’m so frightfully sorry …

  Julie-Ann So long as you’re alright …

  Arabella Oh, I’m perfectly fine, don’t worry … Your poor glasses.

  They reach the armchair.

  Derek Here we are. Sit her here. Sit her down here.

  Arabella is lowered into it by Julie-Ann and Derek.

  (as they do this, to the others) She just had a little topple, that’s all.

  Arabella I didn’t topple. It’s that bloody silly carpet.

  Julie-Ann There isn’t a carpet.

  Arabella Well, there should have been a carpet, shouldn’t there?

  Derek Never mind, never mind. No bones broken.

  Julie-Ann Just fourteen glasses.

  Derek Doesn’t matter, Apple, doesn’t matter. Shall we all sit down, shall we? Yes. Before we do any more damage.

  Derek sits in the desk chair. Julie-Ann sits on the sofa. Paige sits on a bar stool. Micky continues to stand near the front door. Silence. Dee returns.

  Dee (softly) I’ve just brushed it all into a little pile, Apple. Better wrap it in lots
of newspaper before you throw it away.

  Julie-Ann Right.

  Dee Otherwise you might cut the dustman.

  Julie-Ann Yes.

  Dee sits on the sofa next to Julie-Ann. She has no sooner sat down than she gives a cry and springs up again.

  Derek What’s the matter?

  Dee produces a dessert fork from the cushions.

  Dee Sat on a fork. How did that get there?

  Julie-Ann (dryly) Heaven knows.

  Pause. Arabella appears to be dozing again.

  Dee Justin’s trying to get her a – (mouthing) – taxi.

  Arabella (opening her eyes) Get me a what?

  Dee A taxi.

  Arabella That’ll cost a fortune.

  Dee He thinks you should be home in your bed.

  Arabella All the way to Godalming? I could buy a yacht for that.

  Dee Moor up outside the window then, couldn’t you?

  Derek Then you can watch your son go over the yardarm.

  He laughs. Dee and Julie-Ann laugh with him. The others stare at them. Justin returns, unseen by everyone but Paige. He stares.

  Dee (drying her eyes) Son go over the yardarm. I like that. That’s very good.

  Silence.

  Arabella What the hell is a yardarm, anyway? Anybody know?

  Derek It’s when your fingers dangle down below your knees … (He laughs.)

  Dee (laughing) … below your knees …

  Julie-Ann (laughing, identically) … below your knees …

  The others stare at them. Silence.

  Arabella I think I must be missing all these, you know. I don’t quite get them.

  The others notice that Paige is staring at Justin.

  Oh, hello, darling. Come in and join in the fun. We’re all laughing our heads off.

  Justin I’ve got you a taxi coming, Mother. Found one that’s agreed to take you.