Hard to Resist

by Shanora Williams

  I shake my head, hating myself for showing him my tears. I’ve been at it all day. I’m just an emotional wreck. Hearing Bryson say those things have really put me at a loss for words. “Nolan, I’m sorry for holding off,” I sob. “I’m sorry for being stingy with my heart. I want to give it to you now.” His grey eyes are still confused but he doesn’t release my face. He leans in to place his lips against mine and I tingle sweetly. Our chests mold as we breathe and pant with urgency. With passion. With love.

  It isn’t too long before Nolan has me in his arms and is carrying me toward his bedroom but our lips never part. I wrap my legs around him as he pulls one hand away to open his bedroom door. He places me down on the comforter gently, letting our lips part only once before reconnecting them again.

  My tears continue to flow, but I want this. I need this. I grab his face and kiss him with what seems like all of the life that is within me. As my legs hook around his waist, his groin presses against me. Our clothes disappear piece by piece and as I lie on his bed with nothing but my bra and panties on, he stares down at me, his grey eyes softer than ever before. He reaches a hand down to wipe the tears that have collected in the corners of my eyes.

  “I’ve been trying to find the right words to let you know that I feel more for you, Natalie.” He strokes my cheek then places a kiss on my lips. “I love you, Bunny.”

  I pull my lips in, bite down on them, but they are soon released as he begins to trail kisses from my neck, to my collar bone, then down to the heart of my chest. His fingers entwine with mine as he plants kisses on every inch of my bare skin. A few seconds later, my bra has disappeared. Moments afterwards, his boxers and my panties have been discarded.

  Nolan’s lips collide with mine as I wrap my legs around him again. He cups my face then allows his lips to trail along my cheek to the crook my neck. A groan brushes past my lips as his erection presses against the sweet spot between my legs. “Tell me that you feel something more for me, Natalie. This has to be more than what it seems.”

  Placing Nolan’s face between my hands, I stare into his grey eyes. “I love you, Nolan. I know it’s more—so much more than it seems.”

  He smiles and I melt pleasurably. He finally pushes himself inside of me and I groan as my nails dig into his back. His strokes are simple, sweet, tender. He grunts against my ear and my fingernails claw into his skin the deeper that he goes. Right now, I feel it. I feel all that he feels. We’re not just having sex. We’re making love. And it’s amazing because this is exactly what I wanted.

  He plants gentle kisses on my lips, on my cheek, and on my chin as he reaches his hands beneath to cup my ass. The switch in position only causes him to go deeper. His teeth graze against my lower lip as my head falls back and my body arcs into his. I’m allowing myself to give everything. I want to let go—I need to. I have to forget. I have to release.

  “Oh, Nolan,” I breathe.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Bunny,” he breathes back. His breath tickles me and my nails claw against his blue sheets. “I told you, you were mine. I told you I wanted this.”

  “I know.” He strokes into me deeper, slower, passionately. His body tenses as his panting becomes rigid.

  “I want this to last,” he groans against my ear. I hook my arms around his neck as he begins to pump faster, stronger. His actions are sweet but swift. His hand continues to cup the cheek of my ass as his other hand lifts my leg. I can feel him in my stomach now. I’m spiraling in the best way possible. I can feel my climax coming, building its way up.

  I screech his name again and as I do, I shudder around him. He shudders as well and we both groan with deep pants as we tense against one another. Nolan collapses against my chest while pressing his lips against my collarbone. “Hopefully that was proof enough that I’m here to stay,” he says.

  I giggle as he pulls out of me to meet my lips. He hovers only inches above me with all of his teeth revealed. His smile is so adorable. I stare at his lips as I reach a hand up to wipe his hair away from his forehead. “Meeting you was all the proof that I needed.”

  Leaning down, he kisses me again before sliding his tongue into my mouth. I refused to let him slip and I’m still holding on. One drop and it’s over. One screw-up and this entire thing can be depleted.

  I hate to think negatively, but anything can happen. Nolan is beautiful, both mentally and physically, but he’s still a guy. He still has dreams and if he’s going to start pushing to reach them, there will be sacrifices. He’s still young and he has plenty of options. Bryson sacrificed our love just to keep his rep, but in the end lost it all without me. My only question is what will Nolan sacrifice when he’s reaching for what he wants? What will he love more? Me or his dreams?

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The strings of Nolan’s guitar strum slowly. His finger movement is graceful. I try my hardest not to stare at him but it’s impossible. As he plays, it’s honestly beautiful. The way his eyelashes touch his masculine cheekbones and the way his eyebrows pull together slightly as he concentrates proves that he’s been doing this for years. I can tell that this is something that he truly admires. It’s something that he loves.

  “Go ahead,” he says as he finally gets the melody right. It took us almost an hour to get the right tune with the poem. I step from my bed and take a deep breath. “Remember, you don’t have to look at me,” he murmurs while continuing his melody. I force a smile but beneath my heart is pounding erratically. This is so nerve-racking but only because this is Nolan. He hasn’t read my words but hearing them may have a stronger impact than anything else.

  “Okay,” I breathe. Turning my back to him, I decide to look into the mirror attached to my dresser instead. I can still see him but it is only his firm shoulders and his right arm. I can deal with that. As long as I don’t see his face, I can do it. “Should I start now?” I ask.

  “Whenever it feels right.”

  Nodding, I replay the words in my head. I’ve read over this poem so many times—too many times to count, actually. It runs through me, pumps through my veins and my blood. Remembering it is just like breathing because it is the one that I’ve related to the most thus far.

  Allowing my eyes to shut, I finally breathe in. My body sways out of instinct and I roll my neck, allowing the tension to be released. As soon as Nolan hits the right chord, I begin to let the words flow.

  During the fall, leaves drop,

  They land against the pavement

  Blow with the wind

  Until the seasons come along to change it

  With the wind comes the breeze

  With the breeze comes the start

  With the start comes the beginning

  And with the beginning comes an end

  If the wind was tangible

  It would be easier to hold on

  But the wind goes with the flow

  It pauses for no one

  If there was no such thing as an end

  Perhaps, then, things won’t feel so bad

  But there was a part when it was going to come anyway

  During life, during death, during tragedy

  The breeze was satisfying

  But that breeze began to burn like flames of a fire

  That breeze stung me

  Whipped into a hurricane and killed all of my desires

  It killed thousands of emotions

  It twisted my heart

  It shattered the windows of my soul

  The love is what tore me apart

  I tried to hang on

  I didn’t want to let go

  I tried to move on

  But my heart kept saying “no”

  I wasn’t ready to release

  I wasn’t ready to mend

  I couldn’t find my peace

  Because I could no longer carry myself with the wind

  My eyelids fly open but as I stare into the mirror, I am blinded completely by tears. I swipe at them quickly but Nolan places his guitar down to get to
my side.

  “Natalie.” Cupping my face, his lips smash mine. “Don’t be ashamed,” he says against my lips. “That poem just told me everything.” His lips stretch to smile before they crush mine again. I hook my arms around him and we collide. Our bodies plunge and I swear this is the best feeling ever. I’m so glad that he doesn’t think I’m insane. I’m glad that he’s accepting the way that I am. Reading that out loud proves a lot. It proves that I’ve come a long way from what happened two months ago. Two months ago I wouldn’t have even been able to look at the poem. I would have thrown up from reading the first few lines.

  “What did you really think?” I ask as soon as our lips fall apart.

  He pauses as he strokes the pads of my cheeks with his thumbs to get rid of my tears. “I think that you still need time to grow, but I can help you get there. Hopefully I can heal the pain with time.” I smile as he presses his lips against my forehead. “My turn?” he asks.

  “No.” Shaking my head, I pull my arms away. “I want you to sing tomorrow, at Open Mic. I already called Brittany and Jordan and they’ve jotted our names down. Tonight, I need to get out. Harp wants to go to a club and quite honestly I could use a few drinks.” I wink as Nolan looks me over.

  “She doesn’t plan on going to club LIV, does she?” His face falls immediately. I can tell that he’s thinking of his best friend at the moment.

  “Max won’t be there. She’s made it her goal not to run into him again.”

  Nolan’s shoulders fall as his eyes soften. “Well, cool. Wanna go back to my house and help me change clothes?” He presses in, thinning the gap between us before completely closing it by pulling me in by my belt loop.

  “Sure,” I giggle. “But maybe we could do more than change clothes.”

  “Mmm,” he hums as he leans his head down while pushing my hair behind my ear. He kisses the crook of my neck and a surge of tightness seizes me. “You know I’m always down for more.”

  “Have been since day one,” I mumble.

  He pulls back to stare into my eyes. “What does that mean?”

  My eyebrows pull together as he glares at me. “Nothing. It was just a statement.”

  “Was I not supposed to be interested in you since day one?”

  “What are you talking about?” I snap. “I never said that.”

  Nolan pulls away completely while taking a step back. “Then what are you saying exactly? I know there’s always a hidden message behind your “statements”.” He uses his fingers to make quotation marks.

  “I seriously didn’t mean it offensively Nolan. You’re being kind of dramatic.” I force myself to look into his eyes but deep down I’m kind of worried. There has been something off about Nolan today but I can’t put my finger on it. He’s been moody. At moments, I would feel all of the love he has for me but then at some moments, it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me. I seriously hope he isn’t growing bored of me. I do not need that right now.

  Raking his fingers through his hair, he sighs while taking another step back. “I think I’m gonna bail out on going to the club.”

  What the fuck?! My eyebrows stitch heavily as I look him over. What in the hell just happened? Just moments ago he was kissing me and telling me that he was going to heal me. What the hell is his problem? “Nolan. What’s wrong with you? I really didn’t mean it that way.”

  “Mills told me that I was moving too fast. I just didn’t want to believe him. All day I’ve been thinking about us, Natalie, and it’s fucking hard. All day I’ve been wondering if you’re the right one for me. Sometimes, I don’t even know if I’m right for anyone.”

  “What are you getting at, Nolan?”

  He sighs as his eyes finally meet mine. “We’re moving back to California.” My heart clutches as my eyes grow broad. “My mom is sick and her boyfriend left her. We’ve just found out that she has lung cancer and she needs us. As much as I couldn’t stand her for letting us go over a guy, I still love her.”

  I pull my lips in and bite down. I can’t believe this. I really thought we were going somewhere. I really thought that we could make it. “So you’re saying that you’re not staying? Is that it?” I look up at him.

  He nods as his eyes lower shamefully. “But I can still do long distance, Natalie. I can visit you often and you can visit me. Nothing has to change. I already have a job there with Mills. I’ve signed up for a few gigs to kick start my dreams. Maybe you could move to Cali with me.”

  “Hell no!” I spit. “I moved away because I knew that being here was going to keep me sane. I knew that meeting you was going to keep me somewhat alright but now I just feel like a fucking idiot, Nolan. How long have you known that you were going to be leaving?”

  “I found out a few weeks after we’d met, Natalie. We were in too deep and I didn’t know how to tell you without letting you down.”

  “Deep or not, you could have told me, Nolan!” I growl. “Instead you continued to carry it on. Where did you think this was going to go?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” I screech, feeling all of the anger boiling its way out of me. “When you first met me, what did you really want? I’m sure it wasn’t my heart! You wanted something else entirely but instead, this happened. This is what you got.”

  “I just . . . I wasn’t expecting to fall in love,” he mumbles.

  “But you told me that when you first saw me, you knew I was hurt. You said that you wanted me to help you, Nolan. I seriously don’t understand what’s going on right now!”

  “Okay, you wanna know the truth?” he roars while taking a large step forward. His chest bumps against mine as he grips my face. I can feel the anger boiling off of his skin. “I just wanted to fuck you, Natalie. I just wanted you in my bed. I didn’t care for your feelings or how you felt. I was just running game. I didn’t care for a relationship or if you were hurt. But that night when we first went to the beach, shit changed. I felt like I could be myself with you. I felt like I could really talk and relate with you. No girl has ever spent personal time with me like you did. No girl has ever made me feel guilty for wanting just sex. That’s never happened to me before.

  “You were different, yes. You’re beautiful, which is why I wanted you in my room on the first night that we met but, Bunny, I couldn’t go through with it. You were so hurt, so lost. You were drowning yourself so much that I felt bad for thinking that way of you. It backfired on me. Talking to you that first night made me realize that it wasn’t fair. It was time for me to change. I couldn’t fuck you over like how I planned on doing. I told Mills about the mix of feelings that I had for you and he told me that it was a sign to just settle down with someone right. It was a sign to let go of the immature shit to become better. Mature.”

  A tear trickles down his cheek but he jerks away quickly to wipe it away. His eyes remain hard on me and not once does he bother to look anywhere else. “I’ve never—in my entire life—felt anything like what I feel for you, Natalie. Meeting you has changed my life drastically and as much as I don’t want to fuck up, I can’t stay here. I want this to work, but I have to go, Nat. My mother needs us and if I refuse to go and she ends up dying, I’ll regret the fact that I could have helped her but didn’t. Right now, I need your test of faith. I fucking love you and I refuse to let you go.”

  A warm wetness runs down my cheeks but he steps forward and pulls me against him. His arms wrap around me as he places his nose in my hair. I choke on a few sobs as my tears soak his shirt. “I just don’t want you to leave me, Nolan,” I sputter out.

  I feel his head shake as he sniffles. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. But I will always be here for you. I mean that.” He pushes me back to take a look at me but I refuse to look at him. I feel like a mess. I haven’t cried this hard since graduation night but if I want to be honest with myself, it’s worse this time around because what Nolan and I have is real. I can’t deny it. I’ve wanted to ignore it for so long and hold off
from him but there was going to be a point in time where I had to give in.

  “Babe, look at me,” he murmurs, tilting my chin up. I force myself to meet his eyes. “I’m going to come back. I’m not going to leave you stranded and hurt like the last guy did. I mean that. It’s time for me to man up. I want to make this work, not only to get better, but because I love you and I can’t allow this to end.” He leans down to place his lips against mine. This time, I savor him. I want to feel this right now. I never want to let go. It’s been so hard for me and I honestly feel like I won’t be able to breathe correctly without him around me. I love Nolan Young and I want nothing more than to be with him every day. I want nothing more than to hold on to him, laugh with him, joke around with him, but most of all, be happy with him.

  He wasn’t lying when he’d said that he wanted to make this work. No matter what his past consists of, it is just that. The past. It was only a matter of time for him to get rid of it and I’m beyond glad that I’m the one that he wants to start fresh with.

  Chapter Thirty

  Twisting my fingers in my lap, I repeat my lines consistently. My head twists to the right to take a peek at the time. It is now 4:58 . . . almost two hours away from the Open Mic session tonight. As a contestant, I have to show up early. I have to be back stage and ready. But am I truly? I felt more than ready a few hours ago. This morning, I was somewhat rejuvenated and a bit relieved that Nolan didn’t runaway while screaming his head off.

  Instead of hitting the club, Nolan, Harper, Dawson, and I just chilled at our condo and watched Netflix movies. After what Nolan had told me last night, drinks weren’t needed. Drinks would have most likely made the situation worse. But at least he stuck around. I was hoping that he wasn’t going to try and put distance between us so soon.