Hard to Resist

by Shanora Williams

  As bad as I don’t want him to leave, I seriously want to make this work. I want nothing more than to have him close to my heart than anything else. We deserve each other, whether we see it or not.

  I hop from the sofa to make my way towards the kitchen. I pull a glass down, fill it with ice, and then drown it with water. I gulp a few sips down before placing my glass on the counter and taking a deep breath. When I was nervous back at home, I would call my mom. That was the one thing that she would make time for me for. If I had a nervous spell going on.

  Rushing my way out of the kitchen, I dip around the corners until I am in my bedroom. I scramble for my cell that is on top of my nightstand and immediately call her. She answers after about the fifth ring.

  “Natty,” she breathes.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “What’s the matter?” she asks quickly. “You sound . . . flustered.”

  I pause to gather my thoughts. “I’m going to an Open Mic session tonight at a lounge. From what I’ve heard there are going to be tons of people there. The number of people grows every weekend.”

  “Okay,” she urges.

  “I’m going to read one of my poems tonight but I’m nervous, Mom. It’s about Bryson.”

  “Bryson?” I can hear the anger behind the shrill of her voice. “No disrespect to you, sweetie, but you need to put that asshole in the fucking garbage. Rid him of you memory bank. He is not worth speaking on.”

  “But it’s not exactly a good poem. It just expresses how I really felt after what he did to me.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” I can tell that she’s nodding with her lips pressed. “Frank told me that you met a guy down there. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  My words trap in my throat. Why haven’t I told her? When Bryson had asked me out freshman year she was the third person I told. Gracey and Harper were the first two. “Because I didn’t want you thinking that I’m moving too fast.”

  “I wouldn’t think that,” she argues. “You sound happier, Natty. I’m sort of glad that he came in your way. Your father showed me the pictures of you and Harp down there and you look amazing.”

  I grin as my head hangs down. “Thanks.”

  “As for the poem. You’re going to nail it. I’ve always had faith in my baby. And you never know. Someone may be there to notice your talent and take you far. Never pass up a beautiful opportunity. Never stop chasing your dreams. You see what happened to me when I gave up on mine,” she sighs. “I don’t want you going through the same thing. I want you completely happy.”

  “Okay, Mom. I’m just—I feel like they’re gonna look at me like an idiot. My words aren’t completely clean. They’re kind of crazy.”

  “Some of the craziest people in the world are the most creative, sweetie. That is never an excuse.”

  Pursing my lips, I trot out of my bedroom. “I guess you’re right. I’ll tell you how it went tomorrow. Hopefully I can catch you and Dad on three-way.”

  “Sounds good, Natty. Good luck and I love you!”

  “I love you, too, Mom.”

  I jerk my phone away from my ear while slumping down on the leather sofa. I shut my eyes briefly and try to imagine a peaceful setting. I want to be somewhere where I won’t have to worry. Where I won’t have to feel like I have to live up to everyone’s expectations. Surprisingly, behind my eyelids, I am envisioning myself with Nolan.

  We’re on a faraway island with near-white sand and crystal-clear blue water. We’re trotting along the shore, hand-in-hand as the sun is on its horizon. It’s honestly beautiful and right now I want nothing but that vision to be real. All I want is Nolan.

  My phone buzzes in my hand, interrupting my peaceful daydream. Checking the screen, my eyes broaden as I stare at Nolan’s name.

  Nolan: Ur gonna rock it tonight, Bunny. I got ur back.

  I grin as I reply.

  Me: U got mine, I got urs. Love u.

  Nolan: Pretty nervous as well. Hearing that it’s going 2 be packed 2night.

  Nolan: And u know I love you more, Bunny.

  I giggle as I study his words again.

  Me: Can’t wait 2 see you 2night. If we do good I may have a pleasant surprise for ya. ;)

  I wait for him to text back for almost ten minutes. At one point, I’m nervous and thinking maybe he didn’t like that line. I begin to chew on my bottom lip—that is until my phone buzzes gain.

  Nolan: I’m all about surprises. I’m gonna rip Open Mic to shreds tonight, babe. Can we talk arrangements?

  A smile sticks to my lips.

  Me: I’m down. :)

  Nolan: Can’t wait Bunny. Do good and you’ll be pleased with your reward.

  All of my teeth reveal as I stand from the sofa and tuck my phone into the pocket of my grey hoody. That mini conversation has just given me a boost of confidence. I can do this because not only will I be on stage with Nolan, but I will also be facing my dreams. People will finally hear what I’ve been storing within me. It may not be the whole world, but a crowd is good enough for me. We all have to start somewhere.

  ****

  This is it. It’s so gut-wrenching, so intense. Slipping my way through the tables, I finally spot Brittany and Jordan at a lounge area that is fit enough for more than ten people. Harper and Dawson came along and that makes me even more nervous because they’re so close. It’s the people that are my friends that I’m really afraid to face after the show.

  “Natalie! You’re finally here!” Brittany sings as she hops from the plush sofa to get to me. I nod while swallowing as she hooks her arms around my neck and reels me in. “You look fantastic. I love the dress! All black with diamonds and lip-gloss. Beautiful.” Brittany studies my outfit but I can’t help but to study hers. She looks amazing in her coral sundress and her short hair that is now wavy from most likely washing it. She’s applied more makeup and has on gold sandals that match her gold studs.

  “Thank you,” I breathe.

  Jordan steps around Brittany to get a glimpse at me. “All prepared for the show. They’re gonna love you,” he says.

  “You think so?” I ask nervously while scanning the sea of people that are chatting amongst themselves. “There are just so many people here. This doesn’t make you nervous?”

  “Nah,” Jordan shrugs. “It did at first but I’ve been doing Open Mic for so long that I don’t really care whether they hate it or love it. It just feels right to do for myself.”

  I nod with a boggled mind. I turn to look over my shoulder and spot Harper and Dawson making their way through the crowd. “Nat! Where’re we sitting?” Harper screeches from across the room. Gosh, she can be very obnoxious.

  “Over here, Harp,” I say as I point to the reserved lounge area. There’s a perfect view from the sofas to the stage. Nothing is standing in the way. We have front row seats with unlimited drinks and cozy sofas. Nothing can top that. I’m sort of glad that Brittany’s mother knows the manager of this lounge now.

  Harper stumbles her way through with a white and gold sequined dress, gold heels, and freshly applied makeup on. Her hair is slick and straight (as always) but she looks beautiful. Unlike her, I decided to curl my ends and make myself seem a bit classier. It isn’t too long before Dawson casually makes his way to stand beside Harp in his dark jeans, collared blue shirt, and his hair that seems much curlier than its usual wavy. His dark eyes meet mine before meeting Brittany’s and Jordan’s.

  “Harper and Dawson, this is Brittany and Jordan. Brittany and Jordan, this is Harper and Dawson,” I announce.

  “It is really a pleasure to meet you guys. Nat can never shut up about you two. She says you got her into stepping out of her shell.”

  Brittany and Jordan look at each other with smiles hinting at their lips. “You could say that,” Brittany says. “It’s always good to get yourself out there. From what I’ve read, Natalie has true talent. I love the way she writes.”

  My cheeks spark with heat from both the compliment and from the fact that all eyes are now on me. “How
about we have a seat?” I insist

  “Loving that idea,” Dawson says as he steps around me to slump down on the curved sofa. Harper takes the spot on the left of him while I take the spot at the end. Brittany and Jordan sit on the sofa across from us with bright smiles glued to their faces.

  “So, where’s Nolan?” Brittany asks.

  “I’m hoping that he’ll be here momentarily,” I murmur. The fact that he isn’t here yet is really making me nervous. I thought that he would beat me here since he said he was getting dressed before me. It takes guys no time at all to be ready.

  “I can’t wait to see which poem you’ve chosen,” Brittany murmurs while reaching for a drink. “I hope it’s my favorite one.”

  “No spoilers,” Jordan says with a teasing smile. He leans forward to kiss the tip of Brittany’s nose and she grins heavily as she kisses his back.

  “I won’t spoil it for you.”

  Watching them causes my heartbeat to snag. I whip my head to look towards the entrance of the lounge and it is just my luck that I see him. As he steps in, my belly heats. His grey and white T-shirt fits to every curve of his upper body. His dark jeans are snug and fit all too well against his swaying hips. His guitar is strapped around him, dangling in the back as he steps through the tables. His grey eyes scan the crowd but once he turns his head and meets my gaze, he smiles.

  I hop from my seat quickly as a way to welcome him and to silently thank him for actually showing up. “You’re here.”

  One of his eyebrows shoot up, confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” I shrug. “I got kind of . . . nervous that maybe you weren’t going to show up.”

  “Bunny, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I know this is your start. It’s mine as well. I’d never do you like that.”

  “I know—sorry. My mind is just everywhere right now.”

  “Nolan, my man!” Dawson calls as he slides his rear to the end of the sofa. He stands and his eyes become chinky as he grins at his best friend. “Looking swell, my dude. You’re looking like you’re gonna crumble that stage.”

  Nolan chuckles as he places his thumb beneath the leather strap belonging to his guitar. “Right now, I’m almost ready for anything. Tell ‘em to bring it on!”

  Dawson laughs with a nod. “Good luck, dude—to you both,” he says as his eyes meet mine. I know you’re gonna kill it.”

  “Thanks, Dawson.”

  “Thanks, man,” Nolan says right after me.

  “Attention,” a woman calls through the microphone on the stage. “We need all speakers, singers, bands readers, and story-tellers that have signed up for tonight’s Open Mic Jam to please meet us back stage. The show will be starting in less than two minutes.”

  A whirl of panic corrupts me as I squeeze my hands together. Okay, breathe, Natalie. You can do this, I tell myself. A gentle hand presses against the small of my back. Whipping my head upwards, I stare into Nolan’s soft irises.

  “We got this, babe. Remember, you got my back, I got yours? You’re gonna be fine.”

  “What if they hate it?” I whisper. “What if I make myself look worse than what I already am?”

  “There is nothing bad about you, Natalie.” He leans forward to place a kiss on my lips. He then laces his fingers through mine before stepping forward. “Jordan, my man. Can’t wait to see what you have in store for us tonight,” he says.

  Jordan chuckles as he grabs hold of his cherry red guitar. “I think I’m more excited for you two than anything else.”

  Nolan chuckles as Jordan straps his guitar around him and leads the way backstage. I swallow the lump in my throat as my grip tightens around Nolan’s. I have to do this. It is a must. It’s far too late to back out now. And I feel much better with Nolan by my side. At least if I fuck up, he’ll be there to comfort me and to tell me to start over.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  “If you feel the words blurring together, look into my eyes and I’ll smile. That smile will be my way of reassuring you that you got this, Bunny. You got this. Chin up.”

  Those are the exact words that Nolan told me before we stepped onto this stage. And right now, my heart has never pounded so heavily. All eyes are on me, from behind and in front. Every aspect of my body is being put under the investigation of whether they’ll like what I have to say or not.

  Turning my head only slightly, I glance over my shoulder to take a peek at Nolan. His fingers are already prepared to play on his guitar. He’s just ready for me to speak.

  “I love you,” he mouths.

  My lips press as I look away and face forward again.

  “Hi, everyone,” I say through the microphone while trying my best to keep my voice steady. “My name is Natalie Carmichael and with me is Nolan Young who will be performing a solo later.” I turn to look at Nolan who has just nodded his head and is now smiling at the crowd. “I am a poem writer. I may seem young but I feel like I’m far from amateur at what I do because I love it so much. Writing runs in my blood. It’s what has kept me sane throughout these past few months—well that and a few other things,” I say while immediately thinking of Nolan and grinning. “Tonight, I will be feeding you the words of one of my best poems. Nolan, here will be playing a melody to it that we’ve worked on. I hope you all like it.”

  As soon as I stop speaking I clear my throat and Nolan begins his melody. The strums start quick but begin to slow down into a brief, soft flow. But as soon as his melody picks up again, I begin to pour the words out of me. The words that I have memorized since day one of writing them and the words that explain my entire relationship with Bryson and even how I feel with Nolan.

  I asked to be loved

  You gave it to me

  I asked for your heart

  You handed it to me

  Every day, there was happiness

  Every night, there was love

  Every day, I felt blessed

  But soon, every night was tough

  I felt it happening

  I felt you changing

  I felt us fading

  I felt you slipping

  All I wanted was devotion

  All I wanted was your touch

  But now I’m going through the motions

  I’m trying not to think so much

  But without you, it’s hard

  Without you, it sucks

  Without you, I wasn’t smart

  Without you, I felt no luck

  But with time, I blossomed

  With time, I grew

  With time, I lost some

  But without you, I knew

  I learned how to live

  Without you

  I learned how to love again

  Without you

  In order for myself to move on

  You had to be let go of

  In order for myself to be reborn

  You had to lose my love

  Without you, I found him

  Without you, I found life

  Without you, I wasn’t on my last limb

  Without you, I’ve learned to fight

  We’re over now

  We’re completely through

  I’m forgetting about you now

  Because I never needed you

  I finally open my eyes to the sight of blurriness. Nolan strums once more before placing his guitar down, standing up, and meeting to my side. The whole lounge applauds, but I hear Brittany and Harper screaming the most. Chills crawl along my spine . . . but they’re satisfying. I can’t believe it. They actually loved it—and I actually did it. I swipe at my tears just as Nolan turns me around to face him. He kisses me tenderly, passionately, and the crowd cheers even harder to root our kiss on.

  “I love you, Bunny.”

  “I love you, too,” I whisper before colliding with him again.

  ****

  Jordan performed with a revamped version of the song that he’d sang on the first Open Mic that I’d attended. He had a drummer and a pianis
t playing along with him. It was amazing but I was mainly waiting on Nolan to play. He was the last on the list. I guess it’s true when they say save the best for last.

  As soon as he steps on stage, I perk myself up and prepare to listen. He doesn’t even hesitate to lean forward and place his lips near the mic.

  “What’s up every one!” he says with a broad smile. The people cheer, as if Nolan is some rock star and everyone knows him. I smile as he watches everyone clap. “I admit that I’ve been holding off on myself and my talent. I’ve been playing the guitar for fifteen years. My father taught me when I was only a kid and when he died, I promised that I would never give up on it. I play every day and night and the older I get, the better I am. The song that I’m about to sing not only goes to my dad, but to the girl that has caused a massive impact on my life. She’s made me a better person and I’m honestly glad that I met her because loving her comes second to none. The song is titled ‘Grew on Her’ and, Natalie, this is for you.”

  My heart flutters as his grey eyes land directly on mine for a brief moment before he brings his leg up to sturdy his foot on the bar of his stool. He places his guitar on top of his thigh, hooks his arm around it, and begins his sweet melody.

  “Oh my gosh!” Harper squeals in a whisper to me as she hugs my arm.

  I turn to smile at her but then Nolan’s lyrics spill and my head whips to give him my undivided attention.

  Verse 1:

  Since I was just a boy

  My father told me how to love

  To love not only my toys

  But all things above

  But I ignored him

  I thought nothing of it

  I dismissed him

  But now I hate that I did

  Then there she was

  Craving for a change

  There she was

  Causing me to change . . .

  Chorus: