by Mary Smith
My phone dings before I start the car. I roll my eyes when I see it’s Alex.
Alex: You’ve not called lately.
Alex: I figured we’d have coffee soon.
Alex: I’m free right now.
I know if I don’t answer him he isn’t going to stop.
Me: I’m busy right now.
Alex: Later today? Tomorrow? How about Friday?
This guy isn’t letting up at all. Daddy always says to trust your gut and right I know I’m going to have to get advice from Daddy and Uncle Oliver about this. As much as I hate it and had wanted to handle this on my own, I have to ask them for help.
I toss my phone onto the passenger seat and let the damn thing ding because I’m not going to answer him.
“ARE YOU GOING to be okay?” I hand Nova a washcloth as she stands up from the toilet. For the past thirty minutes she’s been sick.
“It must have been the food at the restaurant.” She quickly brushes her teeth. “I need to lay down.” She slightly stumbles to her bed and crawls on top of the covers.
I lay down next to her. When we were kids we’d sleep in the same bed after Sharon passed out. It brought us both comfort.
“Hey, Novabear, you aren’t…” I trail off without saying the big word.
“No. Teo and I use condoms.” She confirms. “I thought the soup tasted funny, but I thought it was just me.” Nova rolls over to her side. “How are things with you and Hamilton?”
“Oh you mean my knight in shining armor who is constantly trying to protect me?” I smart off.
“Grow up, Jan.” Nova interjects. “You both love each other and you do the same to him.”
“I... I…” I don’t have a comeback because she’s right. “Shut up,” is the best I can come up with.
“Big words from the chick who’s bitching about her perfect boyfriend.” She rolls her eyes.
“Shut up,” I say again and push on her shoulder.
Nova giggles. “Come on you know I’m right. You both just need to realize how much you love and want to protect each other. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“I know, but…” I trail off.
“Janan.” She takes my hand in hers. “You’re an amazing person and he loves you. I promise you’ll never turn into Sharon. There’s too much good in you.”
I sigh, hoping this doubt will go away soon.
I CONTINUE TO type out my paper on my laptop until I feel my fingers may fall off. I have been studying and researching for this paper all week. It’s over half my grade for my sociology class, which means, it has to be perfect in every form. I read the paper again for the hundredth time. I’m sick of reading my own words by the time I review it for the final and last time. I think it sounds outstanding.
Let’s hope the professor does as well.
I pack up my items and return the books back to the shelf before leaving campus and heading home. I miss Hamilton and I almost go to his place. Curling up in his huge, soft, cloud-like bed would be a perfect way to help the kink in my neck from being bent over all day working on my school work. I change my mind because I know Nova’s still not feeling well. Plus, what fun will it be if Hamilton’s not there. The road games have been rough on the team. They’ve not won a single one yet and tonight is the final one before coming back home for a homestand week.
Me: Do you feel like some food? Or are you just eating soup again tonight?
Nova: Food sounds amazing right now.
Me: I’ll grab us something.
I’m glad she’s feeling better because I don’t like when Nova is ill. I can’t deal with it. Her words are still spinning around my brain telling me I’m an amazing person and Hamilton protecting me isn’t a bad thing. I guess it’s not, but I’m not used to it. Well, Daddy tried his best when he was home, but when he was gone I protected Nova. She’s much smaller than I am and Sharon always went after her.
As I order through the drive-thru, I patiently wait in line and aimlessly scroll through Twitter. Not a whole lot going on, but I see a few posts from the Bears morning practice. Hamilton looks huge on my screen, even though he really is.
Me: You’re looking hot during practice. I test him with the screenshot of the photo from the Bears feed.
Hamilton: Thanks.
His one word reply comes with a lot of emotions with it.
Me: You’re going to do great tonight. I can feel it.
Hamilton: We’ve lost the last four games. In a row.
Me: I’m aware. I watched the games. But I have a good feeling about this game.
Hamilton: I’ll text you later.
I sigh and inch my car forward, pay at the window and wait for my food. My phone buzzes again and I figure it’s Hamilton, but I’m wrong.
“Fuck.” I groan.
Alex: Baby, I really feel you should give me a second chance.
Alex: We were in a great relationship.
Alex: I want to be your boyfriend again.
Alex: I see a future together.
Oh boy…
NOVE FELL ASLEEP almost as soon as she wolfed down all her food. I’m beginning to wonder what’s going on with her. She must really be sick, or maybe she’s lovesick. She seems to do better when she knows Teo is coming home. Yep, she’s in love.
Then again so am I.
I stare at the TV as I’m watching the game. Period after period after period, it’s one disaster after another. Daddy’s face is as red as a fire engine and Hamilton seems as if he just wants to break stuff. Nothing is going right. Missed passes, bad hits, hookings, slashings. I think Alden’s been in the sin bin for most of the second period and he even kicks the camera in the box. Even Vance and Bas get into a fight with the other players.
And the Bears lose.
I shake my head and try to forget the debacle of a game I just watched and go to my room. I crack open my English book and do some of the assigned reading. I wait for about an hour until I call Hamilton.
“Are you on a plane yet?” I ask when he grunts his greeting.
“I’m at the bar. We can’t fly out due to the weather.”
“The bar serves chocolate milk?” I slightly tease.
“I’m having a Jack and Coke,” he states. “I’m certain that pisses you off.”
“No. You’ve had a bad few days. I can understand it,” I trying to sound sympathetic.
He remains silent and there’s light background noise.
“I’ll be at your place when the plane lands,” I say ending the call.
Men are so strange.
I SIT AT the breakfast bar and wait for Hamilton to come home. The plane landed a little while ago and I know he’ll be walking through the door any moment. Losing every road game sucks and I know he’s upset. The Bears had been doing so well. But this is hockey. Five straight losses aren’t as bad as some. I know Daddy is already working on new plays and the Bears will come back from this. It’s a minor setback and nothing more.
The main issue I’m having is trying to figure out how to tell Hamilton about Alex. This is now becoming a problem. I glance down at the text messages from Alex. He is definitely drinking from the crazy punch bowl. Never ever were we in a relationship or even near being boyfriend-girlfriend. It’s always been Hamilton.
The door opens and my boyfriend’s tall frame comes through the threshold. Yep, he’s tired but still smiles when he sees me.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
I jump off the stool and race over to him. “Hey.” My words are muffled by his hard chest my face is currently buried in. Inhaling his cologne brings a calmness over me. Alex would never be able to hurt me because Hamilton protects me. “I missed you.”
“Not half as much I missed you. I’m sorry I was an ass last night.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’m starving. How about we order some take out and enjoy a day in bed, watching TV?”
I look up at him with my devilish grin. “Just watching TV?”
“Well, maybe a few other things.” He has
a wide grin on his face.
“Sounds great.”
“I need to grab something to drink—”
I put my hand up. “Go change and I’ll make the chocolate milk.”
“Okay.” He takes his bags upstairs, and I quickly begin to make his favorite drink. My back is to him when I hear him come back downstairs. The stool scoots across the floor, so I know he’s sitting down. “What’s this?”
I look over my shoulder and sigh. Hamilton’s looking at my phone. “Alex.”
“Why is he texting you? And why is he saying he wants you back as his girlfriend? I thought you two didn’t date.” His voice drops and I know he’s becoming angry.
I walk over to him. “You and I already talked about this. Alex and I were not dating. We were barely friends. He’s just... well... I think he’s lost his mind a bit because he can’t seem to take no for an answer.”
“Maybe you like him more than you think.”
I slam the chocolate milk down in front of him. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” He stands up and towers over me. “Are you trying to hang on to Mr. Dickless to piss me off or something? I bet you’re already having second thoughts about us. Am I right?”
“What?” I step back. “Are you drunk or something?”
“No, I’m just wondering if you’re being a fucking cunt.”
My reaction is so fast I don’t even remember doing it or thinking about doing it. But I did it because my hand was stinging. Hamilton’s face is turned to the left and there’s a red handprint on his cheek.
I gasp bringing my hands to my mouth, then take several steps back.
I hit him?
I hit him!
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.” I grab my keys and race to my car. I know Hamilton is calling my name, but I can’t stop. I peel out of the driveway and speed to the one place I have to go to.
I park at the first spot I can find. With all my might and the fastest my legs can get me there, I punch in the code to the downstairs and instead of waiting for the elevator I take the stairs, taking them by twos until I reach the correct floor. Normally, I’d knock before going in, but I can’t wait. I can’t wait another second. I jab my key into the lock and slam my shoulder into the door opening it quickly.
“Daddy? Daddy?” I shout slamming the door and Macy comes racing around the corner in one of my dad’s button-up shirts, with no makeup and messy hair.
“Janan? Oh dear, are you okay?”
“Need... Daddy... now.” I’m on the edge of losing it. My sanity is hanging by the tiniest thread, and it’s not going to be long before it breaks.
“Honey.” Macy goes to reach for me but I back myself into a corner.
“Please don’t touch me.” The tears are burning. “I need my daddy.”
“Okay. Okay.” Macy holds up her hands and steps back. “I’ll call him right now.” She goes down the hall to the bedroom, and I assume she is getting her cellphone.
I keep replaying the moment over and over until Daddy finally comes through the front door.
“Janan.”
The sound of my name breaks the string I’m holding on to and I collapse in deep sobs, calling out for my daddy. He catches me just as I’m about to fall to my knees.
“Baby, I’m here. I’m here.”
He soothes me as my body shakes and the sobs come harder and faster. I can’t control it. My life is over as I know it. I’m toxin, just like Sharon. I’ve become her. I can’t... no... I won’t live like this. I refuse to be an abuser. I will end my life before I hurt anyone. Wait! I’ve already hurt Hamilton. I slapped him. It’s the beginning of the end for me.
“Talk to me, Janan,” Daddy says still holding me tight.
I’m unable to speak through the sobs and shakes. I can’t handle anything at this point. Clinging to Daddy is the only thing I can do. If I let go, I will spiral out of control. Even worse than I already am. I don’t know how long we hold each other but soon the sobbing slows, and my breathing seems to be closer to normal than when I came into the apartment.
“Talk to me, Janan,” Daddy says again, cupping my face. “Please.” There’s worry and confusion in his eyes.
“I hit him. I hit him.” The tears come again.
I hear a loud gasp, and I see Nova holding tight to Macy, who now had pants on with my daddy’s button-up. When did Nova get here?
“Who? Who did you hit?” Daddy’s brow furrows deeply.
Before I can answer a loud pounding comes to his door, and my heart leaps into my throat. It’s Hamilton. I know it without even checking.
“Don’t let him in.” I scurry back to the corner of the room and tuck my knees under my chin. “Don’t do it please.”
“Taden!” Hamilton’s booming voice comes through the door. “Janan! Open this door!”
I jump to my feet and run past my family and go to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. As I did in the living room, I curl up in the corner in the fetal position trying to stay as small as I possibly can.
Nova’s the first to knock on the door, but I order her away. The same with Macy when she knocks on the door. Daddy is the only one who comes in without knocking but only sits next to me and says nothing. He gently rubs my back as I continue to cry. I figured my tears would have stopped by now, but once they dry up, they start over again.
I can’t move. If I do the reality around me will be true. I am an abuser—I have become Sharon. It started with one hit to Daddy for her too. This means I have to cut all ties with Hamilton. In fact, I can’t be in any relationship because I’ll just hurt them. Does this mean Daddy, Nova, and Macy need to stay away from me as well? It couldn’t hurt. Maybe Uncle Oliver will help me get away from everyone.
I consider myself independent and a strong woman, at times. But the truth is right now, alone, empty, and displaced is how I feel about myself. It’s how I felt when Sharon hit on me and called me names. The physical abuse had been easier at times then the mental, but at this moment, I’m not sure of anything anymore. Here I am, curled up on the floor of Daddy’s bathroom, feeling lower than low.
What’s next for me?
I don’t even know.
A soft knock comes to the bathroom door, and Daddy opens it.
“Thank you, Caryn,” Daddy says. “She’s here and has not moved for almost three hours.”
Moving from my position is not going to happen. I’m molded to the floor now. At least I’ve finally stopped crying.
“Okay. Let me have a few moments with her.”
Caryn walks in and eases herself down next to me.
“Janan.” Caryn’s tone is softer than ever before. “Janan, could you turn over? You don’t have to leave the bathroom but just look at me.”
I don’t move an inch.
“Please, Janan. For me.”
My brain forces my body to move. I roll onto my other side, still tight in the fetal position.
“Thank you.” Normally, Caryn would have a small smile on her face, but now it’s all seriousness. “Will you tell me what happened?”
I close my eyes. There are no more tears. I’m certain I’ve damaged my tear ducts from the savageness they’ve been put through the last several hours.
“Talk to me.” Caryn’s soft voice commands me.
“You were wrong.” I manage to choke the words out.
“About what?”
“You thought I wouldn’t turn into her, but I did.”
Caryn’s eyes turn sad. “What happened?”
“I hit him.” I confess. “I slapped Hamilton.”
“Why?”
I take a slow, ragged breath because my throat is extremely sore and tell her everything from Alex’s nuts-o text messages to Hamilton coming home and what he had to say, and the slap. I’m not sure I did the best explaining how I didn’t really think about doing it and how I just did it. The memories of Sharon beating Daddy come flooding through the walls I keep up to make sure
I don’t deal with them. I know it’s childish, but I can’t deal with it. Seeing the pain in Daddy’s and Nova’s eyes haunt me. I remember the nightmares I had right after Sharon killed herself because I thought she would come back.
“He called you the C word.” Caryn’s mouth gapes.
I nod.
“Janan, I would have hit Hamilton if he called me that.”
“It’s fine for you to hit him. It’d be a one-time thing. For me, it’s the beginning of a snowball effect. Don’t you understand?” I sit up and stare her down. “Sharon hit Daddy one time. Then it became another. Then another. Soon he had concussions, broken bones, and stab wounds. Stab. Wounds. She fucking stabbed him. It’s in me to do the same fucking thing.” Now, I’m standing. “I’m going to be her. I’m going to ruin lives just like she did. All her ugliness and hatred runs through me.”
Caryn rises to her feet. “Then how are you going to fix it? How are we going to help you never become Sharon?”
“I have to run away and remove myself from everyone’s lives. I’ll talk to my uncle. He’s rich—”
“No.” She cuts me off. “You’re proposing running away and there are too many people here who love you. Try again.”
“People may love me, but obviously you’re not understanding anything I’m saying. I’m toxic to my family.” I’m becoming angry because she’s not getting it. I need to get away and as far as possible.
“Are you mad at me right now?”
“Yes!” I yell.
“Do you want to hit me?”
I stop. “I... um…”
“You don’t, do you? You don’t have one ounce of desire to hit me, but you’re pissed off. I can see it in your eyes.” Now, she gives me a small smile. “You are not toxic. Did you hit Hamilton? Yes, but any other woman in her right mind would have done the same thing.”
I shake my head. “But what if I don’t want to hit you because you’re not my family?”
Caryn tilts her head from side to side. “Why don’t you let Nova drive you home? You take one of the sleeping pills I gave you. Just one. Then first thing in the morning you come to my office. Deal?”