by Mary Smith
I don’t know what else to do but agree. Caryn reaches for my hand, giving it a small squeeze. “I’ll send Nova in.”
Once I’m alone, I grab a clean washcloth and wipe my face. Looking in the mirror isn’t an option because it’ll probably scare the shit right out of me. My next thought is about Hamilton. He must hate me. He has to because I hate me right now. What am I going to do? I can’t think ahead right now. My mind is a complete blank, except for what Caryn instructed me to do.
“Janan.” Nova’s tiny voice comes from the other side of the door.
I swing it open and see her tear stained face. “Take me home, cousin.”
NOVA SLEEP IN my bed with me, but I don’t sleep and I’m certain she doesn’t either.
“You’re a good person, Janan.” Nova’s soft voice breaks through my dimly lit bedroom.
“I’m not.” The tears don’t come because I’ve cried them dry.
“You’re not Sharon.”
I keep quiet.
“Hammy is still calling my phone. He’s worried about you.”
I say nothing.
“Just hear his voice and listen to what he has to say.”
I roll away from her. I can’t bear to hear his disappointment and heartache. My actions have already cut my soul away and my heart. I’m not sure how I’m even breathing because I feel dead inside.
My life is over.
NORMALLY, I LAY on Caryn’s couch. Today I’m staring out her window looking at the Manchester skyline. Daddy and Nova are on the couch.
“Janan.” Caryn’s tender voice makes me jump slightly. She’s close to me. “Did you sleep last night?”
I shrug my shoulders.
“I’ll take that as a no. Did you speak to Hamilton?”
I shake my head.
“Have you eaten? Had something to drink?” Her questions continue.
“I tried to get her to eat this morning, but she didn’t even shower.”
I glance down and I’m still wearing the clothes from yesterday. My hair is hanging in a messy bun, but it’s falling out. Did I even brush my teeth?
“Janan.” Caryn tries to gain my attention again, but I keep my eyes casted down.
“Baby.” Daddy’s voice comes up on the other side of me. “You need to talk to us. I can’t handle you not talking. Even if you yell, scream, something, I want to hear your voice.” He rubs his hand up and down my back.
I stare at my tennis shoes. The words are in my head but I can say them, but for Daddy I will.
“I failed.” I choke the words out.
“Failed? How, Janan?” he asks, still rubbing my back.
“My one and only goal was to never become like her. And I failed at it.” My throat begins to close up.
“Janan, you’re not Sharon. You are more woman than her.”
I jerk away from him. “Why are you lying to me?” I shout. “I am her. I look like her. I’m always angry, and I hit the one man I ever loved. I’m a disease. I’m poison.”
Daddy reaches for me but I move out of his grasp.
“You have to leave me alone. You have to get away from me because soon I’ll turn on you and Nova. I’ll just end my life before I ever hurt another one I love.” The feeling in my heart is pure brokenness. It’s all I feel. “I’m broken.” I collapse to my knees and sob the words I’ve been holding in for too long. “I try to pretend I’m okay, but I’m not. I hurt all the time from the memories. They haunt me. Her voice. The hits she threw, and the words she said. They’re always in my head. They won’t leave, and I gave into them. I let them break me. I hurt him. I hurt Hamilton.”
No one reaches for me, but I hear Nova sniffling.
“I tried hard to be strong. To be strong for everyone. I can’t because inside me is shattered. I don’t deserve happiness or love.”
“Yes, you do.” Caryn is down on her knees in front of me. “First, don’t ever, ever talk about harming yourself. I won’t ever let you go down that road. Second, you are strong. Are you broken? Yes, you are, but it’s okay because those of us who love you will help you piece yourself together. All of us.”
My body shakes as I fall into her arms. I feel Daddy and Nova around me as well. They are telling me they love me and it’ll be okay.
For the first time... I think it might be.
Chapter Fourteen
Hamilton
I TEXT JANAN for the millionth time. When I don’t hear from her, I text Nova and even Taden. Now, like a stalker, I’m outside Janan’s building, and I’m not leaving until she talks with me. When Taden wasn’t at practice this morning, I knew it’s because of Janan.
I rub my left cheek. There’s a faint red mark but nothing I didn’t deserve. Why? Why did I act like a total asshole? I was jealous when I saw the text from fucking jerk face Alex and went on defense. I deserved for her to slap me. I called her the foulest name I could think of. I rub my hands hard against my face. I’m exhausted, but I have to talk to her.
The tap on my window makes me jump. “Taden?” I scramble out of my truck. “I need to see her.”
Taden’s eyes are sad. He’s been crying. “Not today. She’s staying at Oliver’s right now. Go home, take a nap, and get ready for tonight’s game.” He orders.
“I can’t.” There’s a burning behind my eyes. “I have to tell her this isn’t her fault and I fucked up.”
“Hamilton.” Taden steps up closer to me. “Do as I say. I will let her know, but right now we need you to stay away from her. For just a few days until she’s ready to see you.”
I feel like a small child being scolded by a parent.
“Let her deal with all of this, Hamilton. I promise you both will talk and soon.” Taden squeezes my shoulder, but it’s not bringing me any comfort.
I HIT PLAYERS hard, but tonight I’m on the verge of being thrown out of the league. It doesn’t matter who is near me, I lay them out. Then I simply skate to the penalty box for my two minutes. After the start of the second period, Taden horse collars me when I take a seat after my shift.
“Fucking pull anymore shit on the ice except putting the puck in the net and you won’t play for the next two damn weeks.” He doesn’t yell in my ear, but his voice is lethal. “Keep your personal feelings off the fucking ice.” He jerks me back into place.
I know he’s right, but I fucking need to hit something since I can’t talk to Janan. On the other hand, I don’t want to jeopardize my career either. When I take my next shift, I don’t take out everyone.
Just a few…
ME: I MISS you.
Me: I wish you were in my bed.
Me: I love you.
Me: Please talk to me.
I continue to text Janan everything and anything. I even tell her what I had for dinner and how many chocolate milks I drank. She never responds.
Nathan: Teo and I are having a party tonight. You should come by.
There’s no way I’m leaving my house to go to some party thrown by them. I like the guys, but I want to be home.
Me: Thanks but not tonight.
I need to figure out a plan to get Janan to talk to me. But where do I start?
IT’S BEEN FIVE days since the slap and most importantly since I’ve talked to Janan. I’ve barely eaten, slept, or even spoken to anyone. Now, the team is boarding the plane and we’re off to Montana for a game, but I don’t want to be far from Janan.
“But why won’t she talk to me,” I hear Teo whisper.
I turn to see Teo leaning over to Taden. “I don’t know. There’s a lot going on right now, Teo. Give Nova some time and she’ll talk to you.”
As Teo walks away, I see Oliver and Taden exchange a look of displacement. Something seems to be amiss and I can’t put my finger on it. Is it Janan? Something wrong with Nova? I flop down in my seat, stare out the window, and pull out my cellphone.
Me: I’m on the plane and will have my phone off. I’ll let you know when I land.
Maybe when I make it to Montana she’ll t
ext me back.
THE DAYS AND nights continue with no word from Janan. I’ve tried to speak to Taden, but I would have better luck getting CIA secrets before he tells me anything. After he, Alden, and Teo forced me to dinner one night, Nathan informed me Nova has quit talking to Teo. I don’t tell them what’s happening with Janan and me, nor what she did. I simply state to give them time.
But I hate it as much as Teo.
Being back in Manchester makes me feel as far away as it ever did before. I need Janan to make me feel at home. My heart hurts without her. I’ve even resorted to taking sleeping pills to rest.
I sigh when my phone rings. It’s not Janan. “Hi, Henry.”
“You still sound as if you’re dying.”
“Pretty much.” I stretch out on my bed.
“No luck talking to her then, huh?”
“None. I sent flowers and books and anything else I think she may like but still radio silence,” I explain.
“And you’ve not gone over there.”
“I drive by all the time, but I don’t see the car. If she’s at Oliver’s, I definitely can’t see anything from the road because his place is a fortress.”
Henry is quiet for a few moments. “I’m coming up soon and I’m bringing a friend. Someone I think you should meet.”
I sigh. “Bro, I’m not sure I’m going to be great company.”
“Trust me,” he states and I don’t argue. There’s no point.
“I’m going to bed.” I hang up with no valediction.
ALDEN, NATHAN, TEO, and I came around the corner of the parking garage and I stop in my tracks when I see Janan by my truck pointing her finger in Alex’s face.
“I’m not your girlfriend. I told you I don’t want to talk to you. Keep it up and I’ll have to get a restraining order against you.” Janan’s voice echoes through the garage.
“Look, I just want to talk to you. I think we can work out this misunderstanding between us.”
“What misunderstanding? I liked you at first, then figured out you’re a total asshole and then I ended our friendship. Never was there a relationship,” Janan explains.
Then Alex steps closer to her. Closer than I want him to and rush over to her. “Everything okay here, Janan?”
Alex turns to see me and my teammates. He slightly pales.
“It’s fine. Alex was just leaving,” Janan says glaring at him. It’s the first time I’ve seen her in what seems like a lifetime.
“No I wasn’t, not until we talk.” He goes to reach for her arm, but I grab his wrist.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I warn him.
“Why? Because she’s your girlfriend now. Did you take her V-card too?”
Before I could think of what to say, I had him pressed against my truck with my hands around his throat. “Don’t ever disrespect a woman in front of me, especially someone I love.”
“Hamilton, let him go.”
I’m not sure when Coach Long turned up, but I let the kid go and I keep myself between him and Janan. I’ll be damned if he touches her. She’s mine!
“You don’t know who you’re fucking with.” The piss ant sneers at me.
“No, son, you don’t know who you’re messing with.” Oliver steps next to me. “That’s my goddaughter and I protect my family more than anything. Now, I’m going to suggest nicely that you leave Janan alone and get the hell off my property. If I hear of you bothering her again, you will not like the outcome.”
“What are you going to do?” Alex uses the same tone with Oliver as he did with me. “Going to put me in jail? I got your threatening letter. It doesn’t scare me.”
“I also sent one to your parents, your employer, and to the university. You come around her again and I’m going to let Hamilton talk to you privately. You should learn really fast never to come in between two people who love each other.” Oliver chuckles. “Because you’ll be the one who gets hurt.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“I don’t make threats. That’s for pussies. I make hard as stone promises. Stay away from Janan and don’t contact her ever again.” Oliver’s voice is low and lethal.
Alex nods and walks away from all of us.
I turn to Janan who’s standing by her father. I want to hold her and protect her like I always do... well... try to do. She doesn’t seem to be scared or relieved we were there to help her. She’s—
“I was handling it.”
—mad.
“Janan, we’re certain you were, but he wasn’t going to give up.” I feel I have to clarify my actions.
She crosses her arms but doesn’t say anything. I’m learning this means I’m right and she won’t admit it. I’ll take it as a victory.
“I’m going home.”
I watch her rush off to her car, but I chase after her. I want to know why she’s here.
“Janan, please talk to me.” I block her path. I don’t care who is around us witnessing this. I’ll get on my knees if I have to.
“I just came to drop this off to you.” She hands me the black velvet box with her infinity ring in it.
“I gave it to you.” I plead with her. I mailed it to her with a letter expressing my love to her and what she meant to me.
“And I’m giving it back to you.” She moves toward her car and I move with her.
“Marry me?” Yep, I said it.
Janan’s beautiful eyes go wide.
“I’m the jerk who pushed you. I deserved for you to hit me. I swear I will never ever disrespect you again. I love you more, Janan. More than anything in this world.” She lets me grab her hands in mine. The simple touch makes me want to do more to her. Hold her. Make love to her. Protect her.
“Hamilton.” She sighs.
“Say yes. Say yes to us and an amazing future we’ll have together. Say yes to everything you and I can accomplish together.” Now, I do fall to my knees. “Please marry me.” Yep, I’m begging.
“Stand up.” She shakes her head as I do. “I have to go.” She pulls away from me. “Stop sending gifts.”
This time I let her rush past me.
Chapter Fifteen
Janan
I READ THE letter again.
My Janan,
I’m not the type of guy to express myself in words, especially in a letter. This seems very Mr. Darcy-like and we both know I’m not like him at all. Or maybe I am? He was an arrogant ass as well. He learned his lessons as I have.
I should have never ever called you such a name. You had every right to hit me. You should have kicked my ass more and I know you can. The reason I said it was because I was jealous and mad from the losing streak. No, those aren’t excuses it’s just how it is.
I know you hate when I get into my caveman personality, but I want to protect what’s mine. You are mine. Forever and always. I made a mistake letting you go the first time, but this time I will fight until the end of time or my last breath. You are my soulmate and the love of my life. We are meant to be together.
Please call me.
I sit it down on the bed and I hear Nova moving around in the bathroom. She’s throwing up again. I go in and hold her hair back. On the counter—still—are the eight positive pregnancy tests she took over the past week. She cried and cried on the bathroom floor and I held her tight. She found out the night after she overheard Teo saying the most hurtful things about her. They’ve not spoken since. Even though I encouraged her to.
I hand her a washcloth and she wipes her mouth. “I read toast and green tea may help with the nausea.”
Nova stands up. “I don’t know if it’s morning sickness or the fact I have to tell Uncle Oliver and Uncle Taden today.”
“Could be both?” I reach for her toothbrush just as the doorbell buzzes. “Get ready.”
I let Uncle Oliver and Daddy up to the apartment. They each hug me and still have the look of concern on their faces.
“I’m doing better,” I tell them truthfully. I’ve been seeing Caryn every oth
er day since my breakdown and taking some anxiety meds to help my moods.
“If you need to come stay at the house again, the door is always open.” Uncle Oliver hugs me.
“Thank you.” I’m certain I scared him to death just showing up on his doorstep.
“Now, why did Nova want us here?” Daddy asks as I lead them into the living room.
“Hi.” She softly greets them as they sit down on the couch. “Um... I have an issue.”
“What is it?” Daddy is suddenly very concerned.
“I’m going to rush through this because if I don’t then I may faint.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant. It’s Teo’s, but I’m not telling him yet because he said the most hurtful things about me, and I can’t ever, ever forgive him. I’m scared to death, and I’m sick all the time. Right now, I just want my family’s support.” She rushes out the words quickly, without taking a breath. The tears roll down her cheeks.
The two greatest men in our lives jump up and hug her tight. Daddy is concerned about her health and well-being. Obviously, Uncle Oliver is ready to kill Teo for what he said about Nova. She explains she overheard the things he said and has had no direct contact since then. I think she should talk to him, but she then throws it in my face about Hamilton. I gave up trying to explain the difference. However, we keep arguing in a circle.
Nova tries her best to talk to them both about the plan she already has in place. Oh Nova is always the planner. She knows exactly what she wants to do. Uncle Oliver and Daddy try to convince her to talk to Teo and she shakes her head.
“I can’t right now. Maybe someday.” She sniffs.
We all let the conversation die out and I bring out the dinner Nova made, setting it on the table. Uncle Oliver mainly talks about the minor league team he purchased. The team is located in Nashua, New Hampshire, and he discusses his plan on turning them around. They’re the worst minor league hockey team in the history of the league. I think he buys bad teams because he loves the challenge.