by Kenna Bardot
Part of me felt vindicated, proud that I had given them even a glimpse of what I felt. Ignored and needing to wait alone.
I didn't know if it was true, couldn't possibly know for certain until I spoke to them. After my assumptions in Godsvail had been so wrong, I refused to make any rash judgments, but without a chance to actually speak to them there was little I could do to stop the little condemnations from sneaking through despite my best intentions.
Even without her accusations, I'd have been terrified to see them again. But with them I was a mess.
So I went about my business, and I pretended that I was unruffled by their presence. A dutiful, obedient Sylfe. Perfect.
Even though I wanted nothing more than to bury myself in a pile of them and forget the fact that soon they would leave me behind. I'd have to stay in Sylfeshire, seeing them in only random moments when they deigned to visit. I would have to spend my time wondering if they would come, wondering if there would come a day when they tired of waiting for me.
Some Sylfes remained for decades before Caprice declared them Ready for Declarations of intent to Sire. It could be me; I could easily be trapped in that hellhole for another ten years, twenty, ninety.
I could just as easily never open myself up enough to appease Caprice, and I could join the Unwanted.
I knew, deep down, that was part of my hesitation in embracing them. In enjoying their presence. Because it was still uncertain.
And there was nothing I hated more than having my power stripped awa
✽✽✽
When Colm declared visiting hours were drawing to a close, I bid my farewells to the Sutre God I'd been speaking to. He stood from our seat on the fountain, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek and saying he would like to come call on me sometime. As with the others who had expressed interest, I nodded meekly. Whether I wanted him to come or not was irrelevant, because even if I told him I wasn't interested, he'd no doubt find another to fill that void rather easily.
I was just the new toy to play with.
When I could no longer avoid it, I made my way to the five males who outlasted all the others, determined to stay and see me through the end even when I refused to acknowledge them.
Shep grimaced at me, his face twisted in fury and even as his rage scared me, I admired him for the control with which he held it in the entire time. "What the fuck was that?" he asked.
"That was me doing what is expected of me. I'm meant to get to know them, and I can't do that if I sit here and allow you to manhandle me," I hissed back, my anger rearing its ugly head in the face of his vehemence. His possessiveness, like I was a thing he owned and not a woman with a mind of my own.
"We haven't been able to speak to you in five years, Mireyah," Hollis said, filling the quiet left by Shep's accusation and my returned rebuttal.
I nodded, feeling slightly ashamed of my avoidance of them. If what the Sylfe had claimed wasn't true, they had likely spent a great deal of time feeling as conflicted and uncertain as I had. My desire to crawl under a rock shouldn't have meant they needed to suffer for my actions. "You're right. There’s something we need to discuss, but this wasn't the time or the place for the conversation we need to have."
Char narrowed his eyes on mine, and I could almost feel his power skirting over my skin even though he never touched me. "What does that mean?" His voice never raised, and he never so much as hinted at the seething fury that built within him, but there could be little doubt what was coming for me if I didn’t proceed carefully.
Very carefully.
I tried to keep my face impassive as I spoke, tried to make it so I could diffuse what appeared to be a disastrous conversation. "It means that a lot can happen in five years. We may not be the same people we once were, and I would like the opportunity for us to talk it out like adults. But we have to do it without an audience and without interruptions, so we can figure out where we stand going forward."
Ryle stepped into my space again, hesitating when I retreated from his touch. His face twisted with anger before he pushed further, ignoring my silent request to keep my distance so he could crowd me with his bulk. "Nothing has changed for us, Mireyah," he growled. Clenching my eyes closed, I nodded. I wanted to believe that. I wanted it to be true more than anything, but until we had a real conversation, there would be no reassurance.
"Call on me soon, and we can have that conversation," I whispered.
"Mireyah!" Colm called from the door into the private areas of Sylfeshire. “Visitation hours are over.”
"Coming!" I called back. Turning back to the men, I murmured, "I'll see you soon?"
"I'd like to see you try to keep us away," Shephard grunted, bringing a small smile to my face. Perhaps not everything had changed.
They turned, striding down the path and out the gate. Even though I wished I hadn’t, I watched them go. When I turned back to face Colm, I halted immediately. It seemed impossible that I would miss him, like he'd moved as silently as death himself.
But there he was, looming directly in front of me. Black eyes glittering down at me dangerously, Ashric smirked.
"Excuse me," I whispered, moving to step around him. His hand caught my wrist, wrenching it until I faced him once again. I knew his body position was carefully controlled, making it so that Colm couldn't see the God who dared to lay hands on one of his Sylfe's without permission.
"Hello, Mireyah," he whispered, sinking his top teeth into his bottom lip in a move that might have been seductive if I didn't know he was a monster.
The worst kind of beast.
"Ashric," I snarled. "Take your hand off me."
"Pink suits you, but I think black hair will be preferable for you. It will contrast that pale skin so nicely." He grinned at me, and I pulled at my wrist uselessly.
"I would sooner go to the Unwanted Lands than allow you to-"
"Ah, and there you'll have dark hair too though?" he asked, his nose scrunching as if the very idea of it was distasteful. "That would be such a shame though, to lose you to nothingness." Finally releasing my arm, he let me walk away. But his words as I approached Colm were the worst yet. "Looking at you, I'd never expect you were the type to enjoy getting gang banged, but you must be to be with them. I suppose no woman can resist the pull of all those cocks."
I flinched visibly, and Colm's eyes narrowed as he listened to Ashric's words. "I can accommodate that need for you, you know? I too have friends who would be willing to stretch you open."
"That's enough," Colm hissed through his teeth. "You forget yourself, Tovenaar. And Visitation hours are officially over."
Ashric shrugged. "Unlike them, I would prefer to be your one and only. For you to be mine and mine alone. Wouldn’t it make you happy to be enough for your Sire? I would be more than happy to demand you be faithful to me, and unlike them I would not need to seek other women to slate my desires. You’re enough for me, Mireyah. Consider that before you dismiss me for men who will never be satisfied by you alone.”
“But you only have one cock,” I hissed, turning back to sneer at him. “How could you ever be enough for a whore like me?”
“Because I desire you enough to keep you stuffed full with it all day long.”
Colm reached out a hand, ushering me through the doors so I could hyperventilate with anger in privacy, but it didn't matter. With his last blow sufficiently delivered, Ashric left. Left Sylfeshire and me alone.
For the moment. Safe, but not calm.
✽✽✽
"Before we start this class, I would like to take this opportunity to first announce our two new Sylfes. Let us give both Theo and Mireyah a round of applause." Colm leaned against the doorjamb by the entrance to the room and regarded us with relaxed, lazy eyes. At his words, the rest of the human-born Sylfes inside the room started clapping.
Damn it. If there was anything I hated, it was being the center of attention.
"Congratulations for being declared Ready to join Visitation by the Mother Caprice and the
rest of the Gods of Sylfeshire. May this class, and others like it, help you feel and be more prepared to move forward in your Sylfic journey." He smiled at me, dark red eyebrow winging up. I met his stare - equal to the Gods. I was determined to make sure that was my status quo.
"Thank you, Sir," Theo spoke up, and he cast a big smile around the room. The wide-eyed look he threw me had me mumbling, "thank you,” towards the general direction of the room, although I resented having to do it.
Having to Mingle with the Gods was not something that I wanted to be congratulated on. Not when there were no Gods that I wanted to be with.
Not when all the time I'd spent waiting felt futile.
Next to me, I could see Lysandra's back shake with her forehead resting against her desk. The damned bitch was laughing at me and if I wasn't so mad and embarrassed about the whole situation, I could probably find the humour in it. But because I was in no mood to be the laughingstock, I threw her a scrunched up piece of paper I tore off the corner of the pad I used to scribble in.
"Hey," she hissed at me the moment paper hit her. It had been cooperative enough to enter her ear and seeing as she was very squeamish about bugs, I hoped that for a moment she felt it was a creepy, crawly insect before realizing that it was just a harmless wad of paper I’d thrown in her direction.
"Stop laughing at me," I whispered in response glaring at her when she threw the crumpled up piece of paper back at me. "You can be such a juvenile sometimes for such an old lady."
She pointed at herself, trying to look mad but failing when her mouth couldn't help but turn up into a smile. "You just threw me a piece of paper like a child and I'm juvenile?"
“Well, I’m actually young.” I stuck my tongue out at her and crossed my arms over her chest much like the juvenile I professed she was but before I could answer, a shadow crossed over my desk and I looked up to see Colm Svadeni looking down directly at me, eyes stern and brows drawn together. "Mireyah, can I help you? Lysandra?"
I put my lips together to stop myself from giggling even as I saw Lysandra out of the corner of my eyes sticking her tongue out at me. "Yes, sir. I mean, no, sire. Sir." I shook my head to bring the point across.
"Fine. But if you two would be so kind, I require that my students be present during my class and not just physically." He turned around, and I leaned over to shove Lysandra, hissing under my breath as I did so, "Behave."
The moment Colm Svadeni turned back to face us, he threw us an exasperated look but said nothing more given that we were trying our hardest to pay attention. And with straight faces.
"Okay then. After that brief albeit amusing interlude," Colm spoke up wryly, "let us review the things you would need to do to move forward. Not just be Ready but Declarable. It is a step that does not rely on you but on the Gods who you now interact with, the Gods you can now speak to and touch. What you want is to perform your duty and help them perform theirs. While Gods are not required to find a Sylfe spouse, it helps them populate Demiorgo with Gods who are fresh and new. This is something you have already learned."
I nodded and scribbled in my notebook. I had to pretend that I cared about what he said, cared to achieve what he lectured us to work hard towards achieving. "Now, unlike your Descendant-born Sylfes, as human-born, it is possible that you do not have the same intuition to understand how Gods think. How Gods operate. The hope is I can help you with that. And not just myself, but all the Gods who help and teach in Sylfeshire aim to do the same. There is nothing they want more than to make sure every Sylfe is sent to the place they deserve to be."
And where did I deserve to be?
Truth be told, I probably deserved more to be back in Wintercairn or having lost my life by losing the Challenge. At this point, I don’t know if I could understand what the Fates had truly intended for me.
"Now, I know that for a lot of you I probably sound like a broken record but for the benefit of those who are new here, it is imperative that we discuss it. And let's be honest, a refresher would not be bad for some of you."
A couple Sylfes around me snickered at the statement, but when I looked over at Lysandra, her back was ramrod straight as she pointedly ignored the reactions of everyone around us.
"Okay, settle down, everyone. What do we do when a God shows that they are interested? How should we act, react?" He pointed to a spot behind me. "Yes, Lea?"
"It's important to show them we are willing for them. We should never reject Gods and should, instead, always show them they are desired and wanted. That we are here so they might choose us, so they might have what they wish and us to be with them."
"To a certain extent, yes, that is correct."
I raised a hand, cringing at how much of a student it was like. Colm turned curious, laughing eyes towards me. I had to admit; I was the last person I expected to do just what I had done. Yes, Mireyah? Is there anything you want to know?"
I remembered that moment when even just a stare through the glass from one God had scared me beyond all imagining. How even Colm Svadeni had stopped and thought and cared at the way Ashric Tovenaar had looked at me, had wanted me in a way that could not be considered healthy. "Should we always behave and feel this way?"
Because if he said yes, I would seriously consider running away. Seriously consider rejecting everything until I could just go away, and disappear. Be less than nothing. Because if the guys never came for me? I'd rather be that than being stuck with the Tovenaar for the rest of my existence.
The look he gave me was full of solemn understanding. "Well, we must allow for certain circumstances. While what Lea said was true, I said that it was to a certain extent. Thus it is important to remember that as Sylfes, you have a certain amount of rights that protect your interests. You are not to be harmed or abused. Not to be made to feel you are less or broken. Yes, I advocate that we should never make the God who shows an interest in Declaring for you like they are less than desirable. But if they abuse this position, then you need to keep your health and best interests at heart."
I felt the fist that clenched around my heart loosen at his words as I nodded. I bowed my head because I could feel the tears gather in my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was show anyone this.
"Are you okay?" I nodded again in response, not trusting myself to speak.
"Okay," he spoke up hesitantly. "Did I answer your question?"
I sucked in a deep, tremulous breath, bracing myself before looking up to face him. "You did, sir. Thank you."
I looked up just as he reached out his hand, as though he might pat the top of my head but stopped and looked around at where he was, realizing he was in the middle of his classroom. "Okay then, that's the deep discussion out of the way. Now, I'm perfectly lucky because I'm a Svadeni so with a thought I could make someone want me. And while that would be artificial, it is a skill that I was born with rather than have to cultivate. Now, as Sylfes, you would need to work harder. As embarrassing as it is to admit it, Gods are very vain. They care about appearance, which is why Sylfes are more beautiful than they were as humans. It is your responsibility to show yourself in your best light so you can attract them.”
I sighed, because that was exactly what had gotten me to the situation I had found myself in. An attractiveness that I had not worked for. And to an extent, I did not truly want to have
✽✽✽
The bed was super comfortable, soft feathers encased in soft, silky sheets that smelled like the fresh spring air that was lightly fresh and floral. Seeing as I had my face buried deep and wrapped in the covers, it was mostly something hard to ignore. However, I couldn't care less.
"Mireyah, what in Zeevar's name are you doing?" Astraea's voice was slightly disgruntled but in that way that was genuinely hers. Nice and sweet. She was sweet enough that she wouldn't even really swear.
"Dah-ing," I mumbled into the sheets, knowing full well they couldn't understand me. I sighed and closed my eyes forcibly before any of the tears could fall. I didn't want to cry, didn't
want to let myself succumb to that weakness.
Even in such a sweet space.
"What the fuck?" The bed bounced with Lysandra's words and even as I felt a hand run down my hair. Not Lysandra though, because only Astraea could be that gentle.
"Lysandra, language," Astraea chided, although there was a laugh in her voice. "Didn't quite understand what you were saying though, Mireyah. How are you, darling?”
I rolled over onto my back to stare at the ceiling, rubbing my eyes as I did so when the bright lights hit me. "Dying. I said I was dying."
Lysandra's face came into view, her hair tickling my nose as she did so. "More like being a melodrama queen, if you ask me. What's with the puffy eyes?"
I sighed but shot her a glare. "Oh, shut the fuck up, Lys. I'm not being melodramatic."
"Now, now, don't fight you two. And on my bed, too." Astraea, ever the peacemaker, held up her hands, reaching over to rub Lysandra's shoulder.
Lysandra sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. What's wrong then, Mireyah? We can't help if you just lie there moping. Then again, you’re good at keeping things from us, aren’t you?"
“What? What did I hide from you?” My eyes widened as I sat up and goggled at Lysandra.
She huffed, but I could see that somehow I’d genuinely hurt her. “Jessica. Astraea and I just heard rumours and some of them don't seem to be real because you haven’t told us, but what happened?"
Jessica? I had a moment where I wondered what the fuck Lysandra was talking about, but that was when I remembered. That was her name - the bitch who had sent my world crashing down all around me on that day when she'd given me enough information to tell me that she'd slept with my guys.
Or who I had thought were my guys.
"Right, Jessica. I didn’t really know her name. Anyway, yeah, she said she'd been with the Five." I rubbed a hand down my face, hand trembling as I did so. "I didn't really want to believe it at first because they'd said they would wait for me and they'd always been constant about visiting me even when all they could do was watch me from behind glass but then they weren't there that day but I didn't think too much of it until I heard her and she talked of shit that I was sure only I knew. Or at least anyone who'd slept with them did and given that Jessica has been here nearly as long as you, she wasn't an attendant in Godsvail while they were there."