Neil LaBute, Plays 2
Page 7
Evelyn I know this is a lot for you to take in and everything …
Adam Uh-huh … I got a little Gregor Samsa thing going right now, so …
Evelyn I don’t get that …
Adam Doesn’t matter. I do … I get it.
A moment of dead silence.
Evelyn … Listen, I know my work relied on not telling you what was going on, but I …
Adam Here in a ‘small town’ we just call it lying …
Evelyn I did lie to you, yes …
Adam Yeah, just a little. (Beat.) ‘I’m a very straightforward person …’
Evelyn I had to say that. Sorry.
Adam You’re sorry? Well, that’s good … I figured I was gonna have to really work to get that one out of you.
Evelyn I’m not sorry. I mean, not for what I’ve done. I just feel bad that you’re so upset …
Adam Oh, I see …
Evelyn I even thought maybe you could handle it. I did, really … Otherwise I wouldn’t have invited you tonight.
Adam Yeah, just me and two hundred of my closest friends.
Evelyn Adam, you don’t have any friends. (Beat.) You gave up the only ones I’ve known you to have. Gave ’em up pretty easily …
Adam shivers at this one; she’s turned out to be a cool little number.
Adam Geez … Don’t hold back at all, please. Call it exactly how you see it.
Evelyn I just want to keep it as truthful as possible.
Adam (laughing) That’ll be different …
Evelyn … You’re so angry …
Adam Well, you know, Evelyn, what do you want me to say?! You messed with my life and you put it under fucking glass … That might make anyone a touch cross.
Evelyn What’d I do wrong? (Beat.) Seriously, tell me …
Adam Screw you …
Evelyn You have screwed me. A lot. You wanna watch it? There’s a cassette over there somewhere.
Adam You are seriously twisted up. I mean it …
Evelyn Yeah … What was so bad? I wanna know, tell me … From your perspective.
Adam I’m not gonna give you a last little thrill. Fuck that.
Evelyn Listen to your mouth, Adam … You never used to talk like that.
Adam You’re gonna take credit for that, too, huh?
Evelyn Nope, you picked that up all on your own. Cute guys always have potty mouths. They think it makes ’em cuter …
Adam Yeah, well, tell me how ‘cute’ this one is, then … Up yours, you heartless cunt.
Evelyn So, tell me then. Go ahead, you feel that way about me, you can tell me what I did wrong. If I did something wrong …
Adam You don’t see this as wrong?!
Evelyn I said, you tell me. I wanna know what you think I did …
He stops for a moment, taking a deep breath. Not really wanting to engage.
Adam You honestly have no concept here …
Evelyn Just say it …
Adam Aww, shit. Look … I don’t have time, okay? I’m not gonna stand here and …
Evelyn The exercising? Or was it the new clothes that really bugged you?
Adam That is not the …
Evelyn Everything I did made you a more desirable person, Adam. People began to notice you … Take interest in you. I watched them …
Adam Well, lucky me. I got to be part of your installation ‘thingie’.
Evelyn You are my installation thingie … (Beat.) Look, if you hadn’t been here tonight, hadn’t heard all this stuff … wouldn’t you still be happy? Waiting at home for me, hoping this went well, wanting to make love …
Adam That’s not the point …
Evelyn Yes, it is! It’s the total point. All that stuff we did was real for you, therefore it was real. It wasn’t for me, therefore it wasn’t. It’s all subjective, Adam. Everything.
Adam Not love. Not cruelty.
Evelyn Of course they are …
Adam (reaching) I’ll tell you something ‘real’, I should sue your ass.
Evelyn You could … I did take that risk.
Adam That’s right, you did, and you’re crazy if you think I’m gonna let you put all this shit on display. Our time together. (Points.) Those’re our video tapes, aren’t they? The … sex ones. They are! You are nuts …
Evelyn There’s a lot of stuff here. I haven’t even put it all out yet …
Adam Well, you might as well keep it packed up, then.
Evelyn You should be proud of it … most of it …
Adam Just save it, ’kay?
Evelyn Well, what about your jacket? Where should I put that?
Adam … What?
Evelyn Your old jacket. The one I sprayed my number in, at the museum. (Beat.) It was only four bucks at the Goodwill …
Adam … Why would you buy that?
Evelyn Just so I’d have it. In case …
Adam So, blackmail, too, huh? Ohh, shit … (Beat.) Which page of the ‘Scorned Girls’ Handbook’ is that on?
Evelyn I dunno, but I bet it’s in there …
Adam I do not doubt it.
Evelyn Just wanted you to know, that’s all …
He scans the room, then throws his hands up. He wanders about.
Adam … Fine.
Evelyn What?
Adam It’s fine, forget it …
Evelyn What is?
Adam What the hell … It can’t get any worse. You get off on showing people my old socks and scuzzy sheets, go for it …
Evelyn I don’t ‘get off’ on it …
Adam It means so much to you, have a field day …
Evelyn … Adam, this is my work. (Beat.) I’ll give back whatever you want, soon as I get my grade.
Adam Whatever …
Evelyn I will.
Adam The ring’d be nice. It was my grandma’s.
Evelyn I’ll take care of it.
Adam Thanks. Good …
Evelyn (honestly) … Hard feelings?
Adam Me? Nah … We had some fun, right?
Evelyn Yeah.
Adam But, hey, that’s subjective.
Evelyn Exactly.
Adam Then I had some fun, fell in love and all that … And you got yourself a grade and a column inch or two in the college paper. Congrats. Seriously … But do me a favour, don’t fool yourself and think that this is ‘art’. ’Kay? It’s a sick fucking joke, but it is not ‘art’.
Evelyn Is that right?
Adam Pretty much, yeah. (Beat.) You know, when Picasso took a shit, he didn’t call it a ‘sculpture’. He knew the difference. That’s what made him Picasso. And if I’m wrong about that, I mean, if I totally miss the point here and somehow puking up your own little shitty neuroses all over people’s laps is actually art, then you oughta at least realise there’s a price to it all … You know? Somebody pays for your two minutes on CNN. Someone always pays for people like you. And if you don’t get that, if you can’t see at least that much … Then you’re about two inches away from using babies to make lamp shades and calling it ‘furniture’. (Beat.) Look, I know they call it the ‘art scene’, but that’s not all it should make. A scene. It should be more than that. Anybody can be provocative, or shocking. Stand up in class, or at the mall, wherever, and take a piss, paint yourself blue and run naked through a church screaming out the names of people you’ve slept with. Is that art, or did you just forget to take your Ritalin? There’s gotta be a line. For art to exist, there has to be a line out there somewhere. A line between really saying something and just … needing attention. (Beat.) … I guess I’m done.
Evelyn Wow. Okay … So, you’re saying I should be a ‘better person’. Is that it?
Adam That’s the nutshell, yeah.
Evelyn Better like … you?
Adam No. Just better …
Evelyn Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree, then, won’t we?
Adam Yes, we will. We will definitely do that. (Beat.) Don’t forget what Oscar Wilde said …
Evelyn He always
had something to say, didn’t he?
Adam Yeah … ‘All art is quite useless.’ He said that.
Evelyn Huh. I thought you were gonna go with ‘Insincerity and treachery somehow seem inseparable from the artistic temperament.’ That’s a good one, too …
Adam It is, yeah. Damn, wish I’d said that.
Evelyn Don’t worry about it … Look how he ended up.
Adam Yep … Alone, penniless and in prison. Everything I wish for you … (He smiles.) Tell me, though. One thing.
Evelyn Yes?
Adam Was any of it true?
Evelyn What do you mean?
Adam Not the things we did, or the kind words or whatever … But any of it?
Evelyn … No. Not really.
Adam I mean about you. The nose-job or Lake Forest or your mother’s maiden name? One thing you ever said to me?
Evelyn My mom’s name is Anderson …
Adam Oh. Are you twenty-five?
Evelyn Twenty-two. Just … I skipped third grade.
Adam Okay … (Beat.) And the scars are …
Evelyn I made it all up.
Adam Got it. I got it … Gemini at least?
Evelyn No, Pisces. Sorry.
Adam Don’t be. Hey, it’s … art.
A moment of silence. They look at each other for a bit.
Evelyn (checking watch) I should probably get going, I gotta hook up with some guys from my department …
Adam Alright.
Evelyn … and I think the Dean wants ‘a word’ with me, too. (Ricky Ricardo voice.) ‘I got some ’splaining to do.’
Adam What’s that from?
Evelyn Nothing. I Love Lucy.
Adam Ahh, TV. That other great art form …
Evelyn Uh-huh. You coming?
Adam Nah, not yet … (Holds up hands.) Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do anything to your stuff. No spray paint. I just …
Evelyn I understand. Go ahead.
Adam Thanks …
Evelyn The door locks if you just close it.
Adam Great.
Evelyn smiles at him once more, but says nothing. What’s to say? She heads for the door but stops.
Evelyn … That one time.
Adam Huh?
Evelyn In your bed, one night, when you leaned over and whispered in my ear … Remember?
Adam Course. I remember everything about us.
Evelyn And I whispered back to you, I said …
Adam I remember.
Evelyn I meant that. I did.
Adam Yeah?
Evelyn Yes.
Adam … Oh.
She starts to say something else but catches herself. She goes out. Adam stands alone in the quiet room, looking about. He takes a few more cookies, eating them as he wanders around and picks up items from his recent life with Evelyn. He finally stops near the TV/VCR. Suddenly, he pops in a tape and settles back on the floor. He finds the moment he is looking for … The exchange of whispers.
He presses ‘play’ and watches it. He rewinds and does it again. And again. He scoots over and pulls on his old jacket, huddling there on the ground. He watches the picture intently, but what is being said remains elusive. Unheard. He continues.
Silence. Darkness.
FAT PIG
Fat Pig was first produced at the Lucille Lortel Theatre, New York, on 23 November 2004 in an MCC Theater production with the following cast:
Tom Jeremy Piven
Helen Ashlie Atkinson
Carter Andrew McCarthy
Jeannie Keri Russell
Director Jo Bonney
Design Louisa Thompson
Lighting Matt Frey
Sound Robert Kaplowitz
Fat Pig was first produced in London at the Trafalgar Studios on 27 May 2008. The cast was as follows:
Tom Robert Webb
Helen Ella Smith
Carter Kris Marshall
Jeannie Joanna Page
Director Neil LaBute
Design Christopher Oram
Lighting Johanna Town
Sound Fergus O’Hare
This production transferred to the Comedy Theatre, London, on 11 September 2008 with the following cast:
Tom Nicholas Burns
Helen Katie Kerr
Carter Kevin Bishop
Jeannie Kelly Brook
Characters
Tom
Helen
Carter
Jeannie
Act One
THAT FIRST MEETING WITH HER
A Woman in a crowded restaurant. Standing at one of those tall tables. A bunch of food in front of her and she is quietly eating it. By the way, she’s a plus size. Very.
After a moment, a Man enters juggling a lunch tray. He glances around, then moves toward her.
Man … Pretty big.
Woman Excuse me?
Man I’m sorry, I was just sort of, you know, speaking out loud. Pretty big in here. That’s what I was saying …
Woman Oh. Right.
Man Lot of room for, you know, people.
Woman Yes. It’s popular.
The Man looks around, trying to see if there’s a spot for him yet.
Man And yet nowhere to … actually …
Woman You can eat here if you want.
Man No, I don’t need to, umm …
Woman What?
Man I dunno, I hadn’t really thought the rest of that one through! Ahh, ‘intrude’, I guess.
Woman You’re not. I’ll make some room for you.
Man You sure?
Woman Of course.
Man Thanks.
She slides some of her food to one side, allowing him a space if he wants it. He takes the spot. Silence.
Woman … I thought you meant me. Before.
Man I’m sorry?
Woman When you said that, ‘pretty big’, I thought you were saying that to me. About me.
Man Oh, no, God no! I wouldn’t … You did?
Woman For a second.
Man No, that’d be … you know. Rude.
Woman Still …
Man I mean, why would I do that? A thing like that? I’m not …
Woman You’d be surprised. People say all kinds of things here.
Man In this place?
Woman No, not just here, this restaurant or anything, I mean in the city.
Man So … you mean, people actually … what? Say things to your face?
Woman Of course. All the time.
Man About what?
She looks over at him without saying anything. Silence.
Woman … My hair colour. (Beat.) What do you think?
Man Oh, I see. (Smiles.)
Woman It’s not a huge deal – I was just mentioning it.
Man Yeah, but …
Woman You get used to it. I guess they think that, I don’t know, after a certain size or whatever …
Man Geez, that’s hard to …
Woman I shouldn’t have all this stuff for lunch, anyway, but … I’m hungry.
Man Sure … hey, it’s lunchtime, right?
Woman Yeah.
Man I mean, look at me … Look how much chicken they put on my salad!
Woman That’s not exactly comforting …
Man I just meant … whatever. Sorry.
Woman I had three pieces of pizza, the garlic bread and a salad. Plus dessert …
Man Hey, you know … it’s your …
Woman How does that sentence end?
Man Badly, I’m sure! Hell, it’s your body, you do what you want. That’s what I think …
Woman Really?
Man Of course. I mean …
Woman So, do you really like sprouts or does that only hold true for me? Your little theory there …
Man No, I’m just … I had a really big breakfast, so I’m …
Woman That’s a lie.
Man Ahh, yeah. Yes, it was. You saw through that one … Damn, you seem pretty good at this!
Woman What, the truth?
> Man Yeah, that.
Woman I’m not bad, actually … not too bad at all.
A moment between them, then they both get down to some serious eating. You work nearby?
Man No … I’m just up here for this meeting. Usually I eat downtown. (Beat.) And you?
Woman Yes, I’m over at the library. I was at an interview, actually, for a different branch … that’s why I have the, you know, ‘Miss Kitty’ hair today. All dolled up.
The Man nods and points at a plastic bag on the table.
Man Ahh, cool … I get it. Gunsmoke. You look nice. (Grins.) Yeah, I saw the library bag earlier.
Wow. (Points.) That’s a lot of videos there.
Woman … It was a long weekend …
Man Right. (Smiles.) So, lemme guess … When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, probably, umm … The Notebook …
Woman Wrong! Take a look.
She smiles at him as he reaches over and glances in the bag. Pulls a few out. Library emblem on each case.
Man The Guns of Navarone, Where Eagles Dare … Ice Station Zebra?
Woman I threw myself a little Alistair MacLean festival.
Man Huh. Don’t get me wrong because I love that stuff, but … that’s not very ‘girlie’ of you.
Woman … You’re probably just dating the wrong kinds of girls.
They share a grin and a chuckle. The Man reappraises her.
Man No doubt about that – I can’t even call ’em ‘girls’ without getting hit by a lawsuit, so … (Smiles.) You’re a librarian?
Woman Yeah. Well, we don’t really use that term any more, but, ahh …
Man Sure, of course! It’s probably, like,’printed word specialist’ or something now, I suppose …
Woman Exactly. (Beat.) They’re always coming up with new names for stuff, something to make that person feel better … a ‘refuse technician’ or what-have-you.
Man That’s so true …
Woman Right? Problem is, you still find yourself picking shit up off the street, no matter what they call you! I mean … you know …
He laughs at this and she joins in. She makes a lovely sound as she goes at it. The Man studies her.
Man … You have a terrific laugh.
Woman Thanks.
Man You’re welcome. A potty mouth, but a really cute laugh …
Woman That’s sweet, thank you! (Laughs.) … Now that I’m so self-conscious that I’ll never do it again.
Man Exactly!