The Adventures of Caterwaul the Cat

by Damon Plumides

  Muse was too enraptured by the delicious meal to notice anything that was not on a plate. She was in the palace of food heaven and determined to enjoy every bite. She kept looking down the table toward the queen, who would continue to smile and encourage her.

  For their main course, Orris had prepared one of his specialties, a pan-seared filet of trout with a crawfish cream sauce. It was the queen’s favorite dish. Caterwaul knew that the queen had pulled out all the stops to make this meal one for the ages, but he wondered why? Perhaps deep inside she felt some guilt about what she was doing. Perhaps, he thought, but he couldn’t trust her at all anymore.

  Once they had all eaten as much of the fish as they could handle, the queen stood up and asked, “My dearest Muse, have you enjoyed your visit to our castle today?”

  Muse was completely stuffed full of food. “Oh yes, your highness,” she said, and bowing her head, she added, “Your chef is the most wonderful cook in the entire world. Every single dish he brought out for us was better than the one before.”

  The queen thanked her for the compliments.

  “I dare to say I am so satisfied now that I’m quite sure I could not eat another bite.”

  “Oh, but you must,” said the queen. “No feast is complete until the dessert has been served.”

  Muse rubbed her belly, which was so full now it was making noises. “Your majesty, I appreciate everything you have done for me. I am stuffed to the point of bursting. I apologize, but don’t think I will be able to eat your wonderful dessert.”

  Caterwaul stared at the queen with hatred in his eyes. She was beginning to squirm a little. Her entire plan rested on the two cats eating the dessert.

  “But my fair Muse, you insult me. You must promise me that you will at least try Orris’s dessert. He has prepared a mousse of no fewer than four distinct flavors. The least you can do is take a bite or two after this wonderful meal I have served you.”

  Suddenly, Muse was confused. Up until this moment, she had been having the time of her life. The entire evening had been wonderful. The meal was out of this world. The company was even better. Now, all of a sudden, she felt extremely uncomfortable. The queen’s demeanor had changed suddenly and not at all for the better.

  Caterwaul squeezed her paw and looked her deep in the eyes to reassure her that he was with her and would not let anything happen. Still, Muse was frightened by this change of events.

  “Perhaps we can find the room for a small mouthful?” he said still clutching Muse tightly by the paw.

  “Excellent!” shouted the queen. “I will have Orris bring it out at once.”

  Druciah called to her chef to bring out the dessert course, but he was nowhere to be found. She stood up and walked to the center of the table where a silver bell was positioned. It was the bell she used to summon servants who were not where they were supposed to be.

  Muse and Caterwaul could both see this disturbed the queen. After about a minute of her ringing the bell, Orris finally came running out with a serving tray supporting three of the most luxurious desserts imaginable.

  Caterwaul leaned close to Muse and whispered in her ear, “Follow my lead.”

  The queen seemed to return to her normal rhythm as the desserts were placed before her guests on the table. “Just a bite or two,” she said. “I mean Orris did go through the trouble of preparing it.”

  Both cats smiled at the queen at the other end of the table and took a large mouthful, followed by a second.

  “You were right your majesty,” offered Caterwaul. “It is the best dessert I have ever eaten.”

  Caterwaul rose from the table, and taking his lady by the hand, he started to walk away. “If you will please excuse us, my queen? I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open.” He and Muse staggered halfway down the length of the dining hall and suddenly fell over in a pile.

  Druciah waited a minute to make sure they were knocked out, and then she started giggling with delight. She had done it. She had pulled it off. For a minute or two, it appeared to be touch-and-go, but then Caterwaul came through for her.

  Good old Caterwaul. He had always been a loyal friend to her. It was too bad she had agreed to return him to the Witch. He had been exceptionally useful, even if he did turn her home into a circus attraction.

  Oh well, she thought. It will soon all be over. I will have my youth and beauty back, and Caterwaul will be back with the Witch in that horrible cave. She swiftly moved to where her guards had placed her mirror. One last look at this ancient bag of bones, she thought. In no time at all, she would be young and beautiful again, and this time, it would be for nine lifetimes.

  She pulled the silken covering from the mirror and stared into it. As she did this, she instantaneously transformed into a cat, but not just any cat. She was white from the top of her head to the tip of her tail. The queen was one-hundred-percent, pure white.

  “No!” she screamed. “Curse you, Caterwaul. You told me you had released the spell!”

  “I lied.” It was Caterwaul’s voice from behind her. Spinning around, the queen quickly surmised that neither Caterwaul nor Muse was even close to unconsciousness, Caterwaul hurled himself at Druciah and grabbed her by the face and collar.

  Hauling her up onto her haunches, he pulled out the eyedropper he had concealed earlier.

  “I believe this is what you thought had been put into our desserts.” He squeezed the bulb with all his might, and at least ten drops of the Witch’s elixir spurted into her mouth and down her throat.

  “No . . . Caterwaul. I love . . . you . . . Why?” Her voice trailed off as she fell to the floor, asleep.

  “You love me?” he asked mockingly. “That’s a laugh. The only one that you love . . . that you are even capable of showing real love to, your highness, is yourself.”

  “Come on,” he called to Muse. “We have to go now.” The chef was coming back. Caterwaul waved to Muse to follow, and they dashed out of the dining hall.

  Moments later, Orris returned carrying a silver chafing dish. Entering the room, he saw before him the queen, now transformed, lying on the floor in a sound sleep. Scooping up the unconscious white cat with his arms, he carried her back to the kitchen, where he had only moments before placed a sharp cleaver.

  “Don’t worry, my lovely,” he said, “this won’t hurt a bit.” He pulled back his right arm and brought it forward so that the sharp edge of the meat cleaver came down exactly as he wanted it to. He hacked the tail from the sleeping white cat in one expeditious swing. Then he bound the wound.

  Epilogue

  Orris was almost finished cleaning up the kitchen when he heard a strange sound out in the hallway. He touched the golden top of his pie to see if it had cooled sufficiently before setting it aside. It was getting late, and the hall was almost completely black. The chef lit a torch to see what was going on. As he crept down the hallway to investigate, a cold rush of wind surged past him, extinguishing his torch.

  The castle was a fairly spooky place on any night, but tonight it was especially so. There had been no sign of either the queen or Caterwaul for hours. And now this wind he felt in the darkness made it very uncomfortable for him to even be there.

  Turning back to the kitchen to relight his torch, he saw the shape of an old woman, dressed completely in black, coalesce from vapors before his eyes. Spotting the limp body of the now tailless queen/cat lying on the dish on the counter, the spirit lifted her up and put the sleeping animal in a large leather carrying case. As she turned to make her exit, Orris attempted to stop her.

  “Who are you old woman, and what are you doing with that cat?” He was holding a large spoon and shaking like a leaf as he asked this. He was scared out of his wits. Her lack of makeup, frightful hairstyle, and unattractive shoes could mean one thing only. This intruder was none other than the Witch of Red Moon Forest he’d heard so much about. Although, to Orris, she didn’t appear to be particularly overweight.

  She stared coldly and silently into his eyes. Then a
s if reading his mind, she squawked, “I’ve been dieting. I’m trying to drop a few.”

  Lifting up his cooling pie plate, he asked the Witch, “Would you like a slice of fe . . . fe . . . feline pie? It’s only freshly b . . . b . . . baked this evening, m . . . madam?”

  The Witch glanced at the cook with bored disgust. “Never touch the stuff,” she grunted. After muttering some long forgotten words and gesturing in the air, she smiled at the cook with her mouthful of yellow and missing teeth. Then she vanished in a flash of smoke, taking the queen with her.

  Caterwaul was stretched out on one of the balance beams in the exercise room. He was unusually high up, but for some reason, he wanted to be alone for a bit. From this position, he could look down and see perhaps a hundred or more cats milling about, flirting with one another, having deep conversations, or just playing with the countless squeaky toys and ropes that seemed to be everywhere. These were his subjects now. It will take me awhile to get used to that, he thought.

  Everything around him was good. His tail swayed back and forth like a more prehensile version of a dog’s.

  “Caterwaul, watch this,” came a voice from behind him. Pushing himself up onto his claws, he reversed his position on the beam. It was Muse, and she was swinging from a set of rings. He watched her awhile as she swung back and forth. On each move forward, she arched her back and pushed her hind legs out in front of her to gain momentum. Then, once she reached what she believed was her maximum safe altitude, she let go of the rings and did a twisting back flip before landing softly on the mats below.

  Caterwaul clapped his paws. She made a perfect four-point landing. “That was fantastic, Muse,” he said, all the while continuing the applause. “You’re really becoming quite the gymnast.” He hopped down from his place on the balance beam to walk with her.

  “It’s very important that we all try to stay in the very best shape possible,” he said, as he rubbed her back. He was especially happy to see her conquering her former fears. Every time she pushed her personal envelope, she gained the confidence to do more. It was good for her to be around so many cats that were unafraid to take risks. In fact, he knew she enjoyed the rush she felt from these new experiences. Caterwaul wanted her to be prepared for the next time trouble came along.

  He was serious. Though for now it seemed that life was good in the castle, Caterwaul knew it was only a matter of time before something happened to threaten their idyllic lives.

  The Felinos were still in control of much of Harsizzle, including the village docks and fish stocks. The fact that Coy and Huxley took out Meyer bought them some breathing room, but he wasn’t fool enough to consider it a lasting solution.

  And what about still unknown threats they may not be prepared for? Surely by now the word had spread to other villages that the Felinos can be beaten. It was only a matter of time before someone decided to test the waters. Caterwaul was frightened about these outsiders who might come to Harsizzle to make their fortunes.

  Nor did he assume that they’d seen the last of Druciah. He knew the queen was not completely defeated; she was merely transformed. Somewhere, Caterwaul knew she was hiding out, biding her time, and plotting her revenge on the ones who thwarted her scheme to achieve immortality. The hunter was still a question mark too. Surely he could not be happy that Huxley had run off without his permission.

  Though all these thoughts concerned him, the biggest question running through his brain was the whereabouts of police commander Warwick Vane Bezel III. What had happened to him since the episode with the cart? The last time any cat had seen the commander was when Gerhard had found him locked in the cage, naked. When Coy and Huxley had returned to the cage to investigate, Warwick was gone. Caterwaul was concerned. Did the Felino’s have him—or possibly, somebody worse?

  Oh well, he thought, these were far too many depressing things to occupy the mind of a cat. Especially on this day, which was supposed to be a celebration. He put on his “worry-free” face and attempted to enjoy himself. Today was the day he would officially be recognized as the lord of the lands and ruler of the castle. Every cat who was any cat was expected to come to his coronation party that evening.

  His friends Juan and Feliz were hired to run the security for the event. Though he trusted them implicitly, Caterwaul swore that he had seen among the security recruits several former members of the Felino Gang. There weren’t any “made” felines among them, just low-level muscle, but still it worried him, bringing his former enemies into the fold so soon.

  Taking Juan aside, Caterwaul questioned the logic of having former Felino associates on the payroll. Juan laughed and said he’d checked each of them out thoroughly and none of these cats had really done much harm. Every one of them pledged loyalty to Caterwaul and swore to protect the realm. Juan told him he felt these few “fellas” deserved the chance to redeem themselves.

  Frankie and his band were scheduled to perform a few sets of the classics, and were rehearsing in the great hall. Caterwaul and Muse strolled down the castle halls to watch them as they ran through their song list for the evening. Caterwaul went straight up to the crooner and threw his arms around him.

  “What do you think?” Caterwaul asked his friend.

  “This whole place is the cat’s pajamas,” said Frankie. “To tell you the truth, I can’t believe I’m here. Thanks, Cat—” He paused in mid-sentence. He wasn’t sure how he should properly address his friend, now that he was going to be a lord.

  “Help me out a bit here, pal . . . what’s a simple cat like me supposed to call you, now that you’ve become a lord and all?”

  Caterwaul laughed and hugged the crooner tightly. “My friend, you can always call me Caterwaul; we’ve no titles or formalities between us. You and I bled together in battle, Frankie. That gives us a special bond that can never be broken.”

  Frankie smiled. “But tell me, what are we going to do about tonight? As I understand it, you want us to set up here in the great hall to play for the maximum number of citizens possible.”

  Caterwaul nodded.

  “But your majest . . . eh, sorry . . . Caterwaul . . . the room isn’t near ready. I mean the stage hasn’t even been built yet.”

  “Don’t you worry about that, friend. Everything is under control. I have a guy coming to specifically take charge of organizing the entire room for tonight, and believe me, he comes under the highest recommendation.”

  At that moment, the enormous doors of the great hall swung open and in strode an enormous, man-sized snapping turtle and two beavers. The snapping turtle was wrapped in a thin silk jacket with gold and purple streamers covering his shell. He wore clear lip-gloss on his beak, long false eyelashes, oh yes . . . and a colorful scarf about his neck.

  “Never fear, Joffrey is here!” shouted the turtle as way of announcing himself. As he spoke, he threw his arms widely into the air. “You have a problem? My asssssociates and I can handle anything. You fellas have a job for me?” He approached the area where Frankie and Caterwaul stood.

  Looking down at Frankie, Joffrey spoke. “Do I have the pleasure of addressing the new lord and master of all the land?” he asked.

  Frankie started to laugh. “Not me, sweetheart,” he pointed to Caterwaul. “He’s the one you wanna see.”

  “Pardon me, your highness . . . I just asssssumed . . .” he stopped himself short, realizing what he said might be perceived as an insult. Then he suddenly recognized Caterwaul from his days with the Witch in the forest. Smiling, the turtle said, “Moving up in the world, I sssee. Tell me, your lordship, what do you need for us to do?”

  Caterwaul quickly explained to the turtle that the room was going to be used for his affirmation party, and it needed to be done up quickly.

  Joffrey spun around and snapped his enormous claws together. The sound echoed off the castle’s stone walls, and suddenly everyone quieted down.

  Looking at his companions he said, “Okay . . . Woody, I need you to grab as many of these cats as you need
and ssstart working on the ssstage area. You, Castor, will be responsible for getting the musicians together and making ssssure their equipment is all ssset up, in tune, and ready for them to play. Am I clear, guys?” The two beavers nodded and silently set to work.

  Caterwaul was stunned that Joffrey was able to quiet things down with just a click of his nails.

  “Well, I am a sssnapping turtle,” he giggled, then said humorously, “Oh sssnap.”

  The reptilian designer continued. “Now I will handle the room decoration while Carlos takes care of the sssnack situation.”

  “Carlos?” asked Caterwaul. “Who’s Carlos? There were only the three of you when you came in together.”

  “No sssilly, there were four.” He started to count on his claws and realized the cat was right. This set him off. Where in the world was Carlos?

  “Carlos!” he shouted. “We’ve lost Carlos again!” He turned back to Caterwaul. “I ssswear I can’t let him out of my sssight for even a sssecond . . . You don’t by any chance have a creek around here anywhere?”

  That night, the affirmation party was a huge success. Everyone Caterwaul could have wanted there was present. The great hall was packed with animals of all shapes and sizes. There were even some humans from the village who came to recognize that a new era was dawning in the land.

  Coy was stretched out on Huxley’s enormous back with two cute, young females. He knew how to milk this hero thing pretty well. They oohed and aahed as he showed them his scars and told them the story of how he singlehandedly rescued more than fifty cats from certain death at the hand of the hunter. It didn’t hurt that the dog they were lying on was there as “a witness” to corroborate his every exaggeration. Huxley played his part expertly.

  Even Gerhard was there. He’d recovered enough from his many injuries to make the journey. When he presented himself before the new lord, he introduced Caterwaul to his new girlfriend. She was exactly what Caterwaul expected, a big, strong, meaty, long-haired calico. Gerhard introduced her as Sunny.