Sojourner

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  “I’m sorry I hung up on you. I knew something had happened with my dad. I just never put the pieces together.” I close my eyes and white knuckle the gurney.

  “So what was the Hauser kid doing there, claiming he’d killed you? He wouldn’t shut up, and the cops had to pull me away from him before my fists flew. He panicked, Elizabeth. What was that about?” He shakes his head and keeps pacing.

  “He what?” My eyes fly open.

  “He said he killed you.” He stops and leans close. “And so help me God, I wanted to throttle him. So tell me what that was about.”

  I frown and try to figure out how to explain what happened. “It wasn’t his fault. Gail and Matt were with him and messing around, pushing each other. Matt must have pushed Gail too hard; she flew at me and I lost my balance. Griffin tried to grab me but my gloves slipped off. He couldn’t save me.”

  When I close my eyes, I remember every detail; I see their faces shrinking, and I see that bright light.

  The bright light.

  “Seems like Lev’s a good kid.” He glares at me. “He somehow always knows when you’re in trouble and gets there when I can’t.” He pulls out the pack of smokes and sees the no smoking sign. “This is the second time he’s saved you. I don’t know how or why, but I’m damned grateful.”

  I know I should be grateful, too, and part of me is, but another part keeps going back to that bright light. There’s something I’m not remembering. Something important.

  I sense movement in the doorway and I look up to find Griffin. I grab a blanket and drape it around me, embarrassed. His face is still ashen and he looks from Jimmie to me, unsure what to say. Jimmie gives him a baleful look and then shakes his head. A vein throbs in his temple and his fingers curl into fists.

  “It’s not Griffin’s fault, Jimmie,” I say, watching as his whole body tenses like a rocket ready to launch. I grab his shoulder. “He tried to save me. At least give him that much.”

  “You’ve got five minutes and then you’d better be gone.” He glares at me and then shakes his head. “I’m going to get coffee. Don’t let the doc start without me.”

  Griffin waits until Jimmie walks out before entering. He opens and closes his mouth several times without saying a word. I should be laughing because I’ve finally seen him speechless. Under other circumstances I probably would. I just can’t find much funny.

  “I’m…sorry.” He’s breathing fast and can’t look me in the eyes.

  “It’s okay,” I say. “I’m not damaged. Promise.”

  He winces as though he’s in pain. “You don’t get it, Lizzie. I tried so hard. You just kept slipping. I…thought you were dead, and it was all my fault. Every time I close my eyes, I just keep seeing that.”

  “I’m far from dead, Griffin. Just a little damp.” It feels like time is standing still as silence envelops us. I’m sure that Griffin has a lot to say to me but right now words won’t come.

  Jimmie reappears in the doorway with his coffee. In his other hand he carries a cup of hot chocolate for me. He gives Griffin a meaningful shove-off look. He tries to take a sip, but it’s still too hot.

  “This ought to warm you up.” He hands me the cup, purposely stepping in front of Griffin.

  “I’m sorry,” Griffin says, slipping his hands deep into his pockets. When he walks off, his steps are uneven, and I wonder if this whole thing will finally cure him of the overblown ego.

  No sooner does Griffin leave than the doctor appears with the x-rays. He examines me carefully and finds, to his shock, I’ve got a few scratches, and it will be amazing if I don’t wind up with pneumonia, but other than that, there’s nothing wrong. All the while he talks, I’m thinking of that blinding light, trying to figure out what really happened.

  “I just don’t believe it,” the doctor says, shaking his head. “That’s one rough stretch of the river and you emerged with barely a scratch.” He writes discharge instructions that focus on rest and observation, both of which are things I hate, and knowing Jimmie, I’m sure he’ll follow those rules to the ‘t.’

  After the doctor leaves, Lev pops in carrying a set of his sweats and Jimmie’s keys. “I parked in the back row so it would be easy to find,” he says, giving Jimmie the keys. “If you give me a key, I’ll get Elizabeth’s Jeep back to the house.” Then he turns to me and hands me the clothes and shoes. “Big but at least they’re dry. Anyway, they’re better than that beautiful gown you’re wearing”

  “Thanks.” I draw the blanket tighter around my body as Jimmie gives him his spare key to my Jeep.

  “Don’t mention it, Ariel,” he smirks.

  “Ariel?”

  He shrugs. “You seem to like water so much part of you has to be a mermaid. Nobody can keep you dry.” He pats my shoulder. “You better go home and get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He gives me one last look with those blue eyes.

  “Kay,” I reply, doubting that I’m going to be talking to anyone any time soon.

  As Lev turns, Jimmie sets his hand on Lev’s shoulder. For a moment he can’t manage words, but then he looks Lev in the eye and his shoulders sag. “Son, I want to thank you for driving my car here so I could ride in the ambulance and for taking care of my Lizzie. Again. I wouldn’t know what to do without her.” Jimmie’s voice breaks slightly and his eyebrows bunch together.

  “That makes two of us.” Lev nods a farewell to both of us and strides out, leaving Jimmie and me alone.

  “I’ll step out to let you get dressed. Do you want me to call a nurse to help?”

  “No, I can manage.”

  “I’ll be back.” He walks to the door but at the threshold pauses and half turns, his fingers gripping the doorframe. “You’re gonna be the death of me, Lizzie. You got too much of your old man’s stubbornness for my own good. Quit trying to give me a heart attack.” Without waiting for my response he closes the door and walks away.

  As I start to dress, I find a folded note jammed between the sweatshirt and pants. After I slip on the clothes, I open it.

  Elizabeth,

  I know that you think Jimmie is overprotective. But the danger is real. We’re looking out for you because we love you. Give us both a break, and stay safe. I only have one heart and you are carrying it.

  Lev

  My breath catches and I lose my balance and grip the gurney, dumbfounded. My hand trembles. I never thought I really mattered. I thought I was an obligation to Jimmie because of my parents, and I thought that Lev was just being Lev. Suddenly more than one thing is really out of focus and I’m not sure what to do.

  Chapter Ten

  That night I feel the blackness when I turn out the light. The shadows bruise, and it’s hard to breathe. I’m falling into the water, then nothing. I can’t remember what happened, and it terrifies me. I try to get comfortable, knowing Jimmie isn’t far. I’m beginning to wonder if he’ll have any vacation days when we actually want to take a trip. To tell the truth, right now I can’t see past the nightmares, the accidents or the graffiti. It’s all too much. My brain is spinning and won’t shut off.

  I’ve tucked Lev’s note under my pillow. One hand rests atop it, as if that will drive away all the demons, the unknown. So I close my eyes and try to go back, step by step. I snap a picture. Gail bumps me. I fall. I stare into that blue sky suddenly blinded by the sun as it slips from behind a cloud. It’s so bright.

  I hit the water and sink. But then what? It’s like having a rock sitting on my memory, pressing the truth further and further into me. I can’t see.

  “Focus, Elizabeth,” I tell myself, sitting upright in bed and folding my legs criss-cross, a meditative pose, I’m sure, but I’m willing to do practically anything to remember. Frowning, I keep tugging at the memory until I remember the way the light exploded. Then the warmth surrounding me, a warmth and rustling I can’t account for. Lev’s arms embrace me and there’s something wrapped around us both that keeps the water from us, stilling my breath as he talks me to sleep.

>   Stunned, I try to picture Lev in class and focus on the shimmering, taking it apart and trying to put it back in a way that makes sense and shows me what I need to understand. I know the answers are there. What was shielding us?

  Light.

  But light’s not substantial. How can it block something physical like water? Is it possible that the light is simply blocking out whatever’s really there? I focus harder, tugging at the memory, the shimmering. It’s there, in my head, buried. Lev doesn’t want me to remember. Somehow he’s kept from me. But I won’t give up. I clench the blanket and try harder. The shimmering, blinding white. Where is it coming from?

  Wings.

  Then an image of the figurines Celia gave me flashes into my head. He’s an angel and so is she. Is Evan? But why had I dreamed about Lev and what if he is an angel, what is his purpose? Why is he here? There’s still so much I don’t understand. But tomorrow I’ll get some answers. Somehow, I’ll make him talk to me, make him tell me the truth. I have to know.

  The decision brings me peace but not enough to drive away the panic of recent events. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see our garage door with the words “half breed” scrawled across it in red paint. Sometimes I feel myself free-falling and I expect to land in frigid water. Sometimes I imagine my father lying dead in a field while cattle nibble the grass. His eyes stare into the heavens even though I know by now his body wouldn’t in any way resemble the man in the pictures I’ve seen. There’s so much that haunts me these days, and sometimes I wish I could be the Elizabeth from a month ago, the one who never had to deal with any of this.

  But that Elizabeth hadn’t known the living breathing Lev who now loves me, only the dream Lev who watched her die night after night. I’ll take living any day. Even so, on nights like this, when the world feels tilted like an amusement park ride spinning too fast, out of control, I lie awake, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes the silence is too much, so I plug in the headphones to my mp3 player and try to lose myself in the throbbing beat of music. It takes a good ten songs before I stop fighting the sluggishness claiming my body and let the blackness come.

  Tonight, there are no thundering hooves or soldiers, only that moment when I’m under water with Lev, his bright eyes staring heavenward with a calm I never feel. His is the warm shelter from a cold world.

  That’s the dream I wake from as the honey light of morning spills across my bed. I should be tired, but the dream has energized me, and I quickly get ready, wondering what Jimmie will say when I ask whether I can see Lev. How much trouble am I in?

  I shower, change, and head downstairs where I mix up a batch of pancakes for Jimmie and me. Although they’re not my favorite, I know Jimmie loves them, especially with homemade syrup. Maybe it’s not fair appealing to his stomach, but I’ll do whatever I can to see Lev, maybe even actually keep myself out of trouble, a first for me.

  By the time Jimmie stumbles into the kitchen, still wearing his sleep shorts and a white t-shirt, I’ve made a stack of pancakes I deliver as he sits at the table, along with the homemade syrup. He manages to peel one eye open long enough to light his first cigarette.

  “You’re trying to bribe me.” He props one arm up and rests his chin on it, and he takes a lazy drag. Strands of his hair stand up wildly on one side. He sees his reflection in the window and tries to paw it into place, but then it jumps right back up again and pretty soon he gives up.

  “Maybe.”

  “What do you want?” He hasn’t touched the pancakes.

  “To see Lev.”

  The fact that Jimmie silently rubs his eyes and turns his focus to the pancake tells me he’s thinking it over and hasn’t reached a decision. If I’d mentioned wanting to see Griffin, I would’ve heard a few expletives before a resounding “no” so I know the silence is a good thing. Still, I’m not about to push my luck.

  Chewing my bottom lip, I pour a glass of milk for Jimmie and one for myself. Then I take my own plate of pancakes to the table so I can eat. We exchange glances and I force myself to stay calm. I know Jimmie is waiting for the impulsive, impatient side of me to give him a reason to say ‘no’ to my request.

  Once Jimmie’s finished, he pushes his plate away and leans back in his chair. Although he traces the letters of the Coke insignia on his glass, he doesn’t drink the milk. Then he turns to me, his eyebrows bunched, frowning.

  “Although I didn’t appreciate the fact you hung up on me, I understood it. Lizzie, I never wanted to tell you that about your dad, but you deserved the truth. I’m just sorry it came out like it did. That was my fault. I probably over-reacted. Besides being at the wrong place at the wrong time, you didn’t do anything bad. So I guess I need to hear more about your plan. Then I can make a decision.”

  “I want to spend some time with Lev. Maybe he could come over here. Nothing that involves water, I promise.” I look at him, watching his frown deepen amid the haze of smoke.

  “I know I keep acting like you’re a little girl, Lizzie. Truth is at seventeen you have your life more together than I did at your age. And if the whole idea of protecting you is keeping away whoever is spray-painting trashy names on our house from you, at least I believe Lev will do that. If you want to go there, his dad needs to be home and I’m here when he is, I guess I’m okay with that.”

  Without thinking, I rise and run around the table to throw my arms around him, squealing. “Thank you, Jimmie. I’ll be good. I promise!”

  “Yeah.” He blushes. “I’ve heard that before. Let’s just hope this time you mean it.” He grabs my hand before I can run off. “Before you get too excited, you aren’t going anywhere tonight.” He wags a warning finger. “If you want to ask him over for a little while, it’s okay by me. We’ll split some pizza, but I have to work tonight, so keep that in mind.”

  “All right.” Breathless, I bound for the stairs to use the house phone until Jimmie gets his first check and can replace my cell. I’m stuck with a landline, which probably explains why he wants me somewhere he can track me.

  “Take it easy, Lizzie. I don’t want to have to take you back to the hospital,” Jimmie calls from downstairs as I pick up the cordless.

  “You won’t,” I yell, plunking down in his wooden office chair. My fingers quickly press the numbers and wait. I expect Lev to answer, but his voicemail picks up. Frowning, I invite him over for some pizza and a movie and sit back, still thinking of those blue eyes and the millions of questions churning in me. I could stare at the phone all day and will it to ring, but I know how that works so I settle for going back downstairs and washing the dishes.

  While I’m scrubbing down the kitchen, Jimmie sits in the recliner, and even though there’s a game on television, his slightly nodding head tells he’s asleep again. His hands rest on his stomach, and his easy breathing suggests that his dreams, whatever they may be, thankfully do not take after mine.

  The phone rings’ and Jimmie jerks up. His eyes snap open and he looks around, disoriented. I dry my hands and yell, “I’ve got it.”

  “Hello?” I answer.

  “Hey,” Lev says. “You called?”

  “Yeah. How do you feel about coming over for pizza and a movie?” I can’t help grinning.

  “Are you going to be there?” he teases.

  “Of course.” I sit down and clench the phone tightly.

  “Then so will I. When?”

  “Five?” My breath catches and I wonder if that will be okay. Can I make it work?

  “Five’s great. See you then.”

  I keep holding the phone long after he’s hung up. Right now that’s as close as I’m going to get to him.

  The pizza gets here just before Lev is supposed to, and I’m still arranging things around the table when the doorbell rings. I start to run for it, but Jimmie waves me back to the kitchen.

  “You get things situated. I’ll let Lev in.”

  Part of me wants to pout, but I can tell this is part of Jimmie’s plan for getting to know Lev better. I guess he
figures that even though he already thinks Lev is a pretty good guy, it never hurts to make sure. So this is part of the making sure, I guess.

  Even as I set the table, I hear the two of them talking in low tones. While I can’t hear the actual conversation, I can tell by the tone it’s going well. I set the two liter bottles of soda next to the plastic glasses and try to see if there’s anything I’m missing, but I can’t think of anything, so I slip into the living room where the two of them sit watching football. Grinning, I realize that Jimmie is more intent than Lev, just another reason for me to be crazy about him.

  The moment I enter, both of them look up and Lev winks. I’d wink back, but it’s a skill I never mastered. The closest I come is closing both eyes at the same time, so I guess I’m more of a blink sort of girl. Go figure.

  “Hey,” I say, joining him. “You want some pizza?”

  “Do you really have to ask?” Jimmie smacks his own head. “Of course he wants pizza.”

  Lev chuckles and nods. “Yeah.” I offer my hand and he takes it, allowing me to lead him to the kitchen. Then I shove a paper plate into his hand.

  “What kind of pizza do you like?” I flip open both boxes so he can see what we have.

  “Supreme.” He holds his plate toward the pizza box.

  I slide two pieces onto his plate, careful to get all the cheese with the pizza so it doesn’t dangle off the sides. After that, I put two pieces on a plate for Jimmie, and then give myself two on another plate. I carry the two plates into the living room and offer one to Jimmie.

  “Thanks.”

  “So what kind of movies do you like?” Jimmie asks, taking a bite. The hot cheese burns his mouth, but he refuses to back off and continues eating.

  “I’m not really picky,” he says, shrugging. Then he holds out a napkin to each of us that he’s been holding since we left the kitchen. “I pretty much like everything. Except stories that have anything to do with water.”