We had so much love and passion for each other. But now it was all gone. We had made so many promises which were all lies.
It hurt to hear that she was in another relationship. I knew our relationship was progressing too quickly. It was only when we went away from each other did I realise what she meant to me. I really wonder now if she would ever call me ‘my sweet little bachcha’ again.
We were walking on the beach. The sun was about to set. I took her near the water and told her to look at the sun. We both removed our shoes and I told her to stand on my feet.
‘It’s so far. Still we can see it so clearly. It’s such a romantic sky, all orange, still we can’t feel the romance. I want you to close your eyes. I want you to feel we are in each others arms,’ I said
She closed her eyes.
‘We are hugging each other on the sea shore. We are married. We are living a happy life. I ask you how many children you want. You are smiling like a new bride. I can see the naughtiness in your eyes. Tell me Riya. How many children do you want?’
She didn’t answer. She was quiet. She opened her eyes and turned towards me. She had tears in her eyes. Even I had tears in my eyes. I knew she was imagining the 7 promises that we had made to each other.
She hugged me. She was the same Riya who never thought of what people around us were thinking about our PDA.
‘Why Aadi…? Why did you take that decision. It still hurts. It still hurts badly. Now I can’t do anything. When I loved you more than my life, you didn’t care. Now when I am with someone else, you say you love me more than anything else. It’s too late Aadi. I can’t come back now. I just care for you. You are still my bachcha. But I can’t come back now and be with you,’ she said.
‘Why jaan? We can still be together. Amit does not love you. He is with you just because he wants you to go to bed with him. He told me all this himself. Please jaan, realize the gravity of the situation before it’s too late. I still love you. I am ready to accept you as you are. But I can’t let you go. Come back Riya. Please.
I went on my knees with a red rose. Everyone around was watching us with weird expressions on their faces.
I ignored them all.
‘I love you. I still love you the way I used to when we had first met. I can still sing the same song. But today I want to sing something different. Just two lines:
Rooth ke hamse kabhi jab chale jaaoge tum…
Yeh na socha tha kabhi…
Itne yaad aaoge tum…
Please jaan. I am sorry. Will you marry me?’
She was crying. But she didn’t react. She didn’t accept my rose. She started walking away. I was still on my knees. I was watching her go. I got up and went towards her. I tried to convince her. But she didn’t agree. There was silence in the auto too while we returned back home.
I gave her the final letter of the day.
The sweet memories are fading. It is getting harder to remember the last time you smiled for me. Those memories of love are fading. Your smiling face is becoming blurred in my mind. So you really don’t love me anymore? Or is it something else that is stopping you?
Your words are fading into silence. I can’t remember the last time we kissed. It’s been so long.
Please understand I’m not forgetting on purpose, it hurts me not to remember. But it feels like it has been decades since the last time we made love. Please don’t cry while reading this. Please bachcha stop crying. If there is nothing in your heart for me what are these tears for? You should stop them too.
Would you forgive me if I told you that I can’t remember the day you said you love me? It’s not my mistake this time. I seriously don’t remember the last time you had played with my hair. The last time you played with my eyes. The last time you held my hands tightly. The last time you were so close to me that we seemed one. The last time when you sang a song for me. Today it hurts when I think of all those things. Today I have deleted that song from my memory. It only hurts. Please tell me what is stopping you? Is everything really over or is it a nightmare? All I know and all I can feel is that these sweet memories are fading away.
And so are you.
She hugged me. We were both crying. I realized she couldn’t be mine. I could feel that from her touch. Something was missing. In fact everything was missing. Was it my mistake or was it hers? All I knew was she was getting trapped into it by Amit. I was helpless. I could have hit him. But I didn’t want to. It would have increased the distance between Riya and me.
Times had changed. Relationships had changed. Love had disappeared.
We reached home. I called Swapnil, Sameer, and Anup. I told them whatever had happened. They agreed to convince Riya to come back.
Break Up
This was my last chance. If I could not get her now, I would have to forget her forever—something I didn’t want to. I requested all my friends to brainwash her against Amit. I could not see her falling into his trap. We decided to meet in Aerol. I was scared about the outcome of this meeting. I felt like my life was moving towards a dead end. I was thinking about all the possibilities.
We were all waiting for Riya near the college. We had planned to meet Neha too. When Riya came, she completely ignored me. She didn’t even look at me. She was talking to Swapnil. We went to a restaurant. I didn’t order anything. I was tensed. Swapnil initiated the conversation.
‘What happened Riya? Why you have changed suddenly? Has Aditya been troubling you? You can be frank with us and tell us everything.’
‘I did not change suddenly. It took me a long time to take this decision. Your friend Aditya changed suddenly. You can ask him. I don’t need to say anything,’ said Riya and looked at me.
‘I know Aditya changed. He took a wrong decision. I slapped him for that. But he has realized his mistake. You both loved each other so much. Can’t you forgive him?’ Swapnil said.
‘Look Riya, somewhere along the way everyone makes a mistake. Even Aditya did. But it doesn’t mean you will go to someone else. We know how Amit is in real life, Sameer added while Anup nodded his head in agreement.
‘I don’t know who is speaking the truth here. All I know is that I have had a chance to know Amit personally for a few days. I know him personally. He really loved Neha but Neha didn’t care for him at all. I don’t say I never loved Aditya. I cared for him like a mother. I treated him like my child. But he took me for granted. He started avoiding me. I could have tolerated that. But what about Muskaan? He never told me about her. He just told me about his girlfriend. Nothing else. Why did he have to lie to me?’ Riya said.
‘I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t want to hurt you. If I was playing with you, then why I would keep that mail. Just think, Muskaan wanted to spoil my name.’ I said almost crying.
‘I don’t know anything Aditya, but now it’s not possible to be together. Please forget me,’ she said angrily.
Swapnil took her outside. I was tensed. Sameer and Anup calmed me down. I was worried as to what was going to happen. They came inside after a few minutes. Swapnil paid the bill and was about to leave.
‘Swapnil, what is happening? Please can you tell me. Please. Did she agree?’ I asked him curiously.
‘It’s all over, Aditya. Now she won’t listen. You will have to pay for your one decision. She doesn’t love you anymore. Get on with your life. At least be happy that she is talking to you.’
I did not say anyting. Riya left. Sameer called Neha to come near the bus depot.
Once there, Sameer asked her, ‘What have you decided? Aadi can’t let her go. He wants her back after knowing everything. What is your decision?’
She smiled.
‘Nothing. I don’t expect anything. I don’t know about Riya. But Amit wouldn’t come back for sure. He wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t want to get into all this. Exams are coming. Seriously I don’t care about all this now. I am over it. Amit is a bastard and Riya is his bitch. Let them sleep or fuck. I don’t care.’
I slapped Neha. I should
not have done that. But I had to. I could not control myself after what she said.
‘What are you saying? I am sorry to hit you. But you said something horrible. What do you mean by “let them fuck”? I will kill you and Amit both. You don’t love him, I don’t care. I love Riya and always will. I can’t hear anything bad about her. Get lost.’
I was surprised by this side of Neha’s nature. I had heard girls recover easily after break up. But it did not hold true for every girl. Neha was not one of them. She was over with the break up. Maybe she never loved him. Who cared? I loved Riya.
Without talking to anyone I left. It was all over. It was difficult to decide whether I should be happy that she was still in contact with me or upset that she had left me, breaking all the promises. I reached home. As I got down from my Activa, I saw I had got a message on my cell. It was Riya.
Swapnil tried to convince me. You should have done something yourself. I know you tried. But it was too late. Telling Swapnil to convince me was the worst mistake you could have ever made. If you could not handle a relationship, why did you bring everyone else to do it for you? I had told you my decision. I don’t love you. And from now onwards, I won’t even talk to you. I am changing my number today. So don’t try to contact me ever. Forget me. Take care of yourself, and be serious about life. Miss you always as a friend. Bye forever.
I called her immediately. She did not pick up. I messaged her. She did not reply. I called her several times but there was no response. I called Amit finally. He was not ready to speak to me.
‘Amit, I don’t want to talk to you. But can you please tell me what is wrong with Riya now? She messaged me that she didn’t want to talk to me and she is changing her number. What is happening?’
‘How could I know why she is changing her number? Maybe because she loves me a lot.’ Amit laughed.
‘What does that mean. Please care to explain,’ I raised my voice.
‘I told her to not to keep any contact with you. I told her not to message you or call you or even speak to you. She loves me too much. She accepted it and maybe that is the reason why she is changing her number. She is so sweet. And her black spot. I kissed her twice there.’
I kept the phone down. Everything was over. I could not hear what Amit was saying. I went upstairs to my bedroom.
I sent her a message communicating the end of everything.
It’s okay. Forget me. Forget my memories. Forget the moments I spent with you. Forget the time I came to meet you without even thinking even once. Forget the promises that we made together. Forget my face. Forget my touch. Forget the time we kissed, loved each other or maybe I can say pretended to love each other. Forget my voice. Forget my craziness for you. Forget the conversations between us. Forget my family. Forget the day you come to my house. Forget the way I proposed to you. Forget each day we spent together. Forget the time we fought. Forget the time we patched up.Forget my belongings with you. Throw it away. Forget my name. Forget my number. Delete it from your phone. Delete me from your life. Forget me forever. This time forget seriously. Goodbye. Stay happy with Amit. I will never come in your way. Your chapter has been deleted from my life forever. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I will always keep your gifts with me. I am yours and only yours. But you were never mine.
Whatever the reason, it was enough for me to conclude that breaking up was the only thing left. It was not easy for me to send that message leaving behind everything, but I had to. There was no other option left. I felt sad for Riya. She was trapped. But I knew she would realize it someday. I also knew she wouldn’t ever be back. This was the sad end. But if it had to be this way, I was ready for it. At least I was ready to show I was okay with it. But somewhere it hurt.
It was the end of everything.
The Worst Days of My Life
Exams came. I hadn’t studied at all. I was going to screw up everything. I already had. I was making my life hell. I was not able to concentrate on anything. I had stopped listening to others. My mom was unaware of all these things. I did not want to hurt her. It was the end of life. I was just living for the sake of living. Exams came and went. I did not sit for two papers. I bunked two university papers of the third semester. Riya was in the same class as me. She was in the same examination hall. I left the hall and went away. I bunked Electrical Networks and Maths 2. I didn’t care. The entire vacation was spent alone. I did not want to meet anyone. I lost contact with Neha. I didn’t know where she was.
What was happening in her life? I lost contact with Riya. That hurt me the most. My heart still skipped a beat when I heard her name or saw her in college.
After 15 days, the exam results were displayed. I went all alone this time to see my result. I avoided Anup and Swapnil. They were in IT and would get a chance to talk with Riya. Our group had broken. Everything had changed. Only Sameer was with me. My only friend.
I checked my result. It was not surprising. Three KTs.
Maths 2, Maths 3, and Electrical Networks…
I checked Riya’s result. She had 2 KTs. I checked Neha’s result. She had cleared. She never cared though. Everything changed. I didn’t know what Amit’s result was. He was in a different college. Neha was a closed chapter. Swapnil and Anup were no longer with me. Riya and Amit’s story was a closed chapter for me. I had started screwing engineering. I had started screwing my life.
It was the beginning of the fourth semester. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just a wounded little boy in me talking. As I move on, I remembered all the times we had spent together. It was terrible facing the world without you. I could not concentrate in college. Each classroom made me feel like you were with me. Every moment was difficult to me. It was impossible to face college like this. It was like facing the sun when it’s emitting the maximum sunlight. I tried to avoid every place in college where we had been together. But the funny thing was that there was none. We had left our mark on each and every hangout spot in the campus. Soon I started avoiding college itself. Each day I screwed up my life more and more.
‘Aadi, please concentrate on your studies. You have a golden attempt paper and a KT also. At least attend all your lectures. Or else you will have problem during submissions,’ Sameer said.
I couldn’t face it. Whenever I went to college, I felt like crying. Whenever I saw her anywhere, I felt like talking to her. I had to admit that I couldn’t get Riya back in my life but that made me love her even more. I told myself I should not be in the hope that she will ever come back to me. I was not supposed to wonder what Riya was doing and where she was, but I could not help it because I was in love with her. I seriously didn’t know what was in her that made me behave like this.
When I saw her I just wanted her on the bed. As days passed by, I started realizing how much I liked her. I realized I loved her. But it was too late. I got everything that I wanted. Then why did I have to challenge my destiny and end up landing nowhere? Now when I was alone I thought I should not have taken admission in engineering. I would not have met her then. I really wish I had not liked her. Now I would not have missed her.
I was missing my friends too. I had stopped talking to them because of Riya. It hurt me more. Sameer was there with me always. We decided to go to Lonavala. I was ready to bunk college. We decided to go in the morning and come back by late evening. I took 2 packets of cigarettes with me. I was continuously smoking all the way to Lonavala.
‘What is wrong with you? This is your eighth cigarette and we haven’t reached Lonavela yet. Still 30 minutes to go,’ Sameer shouted at me.
‘Let it be. Now no one can stop me. I can live my life as I want. I am fed up with these tears. I will not cry for her anymore. From now on this cigarette is my girlfriend and I trust her. She can never leave me,’ I said smoking another cigarette.
Sameer started driving the bike again. We reached Lonavala.
Sitting near the dam, we opened our first can of beer. I was thinking about Riya. I was wo
ndering whether she really loved me. If she had, why did she leave me? And today if she left me, why was I still thinking of her even a 100 kilometres away? A few things are always left unsaid.
‘Sameer, tell me something about my relationship?’ I asked him.
‘I didn’t get you. What you want to know?’
‘Do you really think Riya loved me? Or do you think I love her? What exactly is happening?’
I opened the second can of beer and gulped it down.
‘Of course Riya loved you. There’s no doubt about that. She loved you more than you love her. You never understood her. I know what she did is wrong but it had to end like this. She will understand some day.’
‘I really want to curse Riya. She betrayed me. I want her life to be…’ Before I could go any further, Sameer stopped me.
‘You don’t know what I am facing. I want to tell the whole world what we did. I will make her life…’ Sameer shook me up.
‘Stop it Aadi. Why are you cursing her? What will you get from it? I know you love her even today. Then why are you saying all these things?’
I closed my eyes and slept for sometime. We returned home by 8 pm. After that day, I started smoking regularly and soon turned into a chain smoker and a heavy drinker. I had started drinking regularly. Almost daily. I had stopped attending lectures as well.
One day, Sameer had some work in college. We went to the college together. Everyone who knew me was looking at me strangely. I could not understand the reason behind it. We went near the office. I saw Riya there coming with Amit. Amit was holding her hand. She was limping, as if she had hurt her leg. As she came near, I could see she was holding her stomach. Amit was supporting her. I left the office and went to the quadrangle.
‘Hey where were you, Aditya? I hope you know Riya had an operation,’ a guy from my class told me.
‘What operation? What for?’ I asked.
‘She had an abortion.’ I wanted to ask him who had told him that but he was gone. I looked at Sameer. He was as puzzled as I was. How? When? Why? Is it true? If then from whom? Amit or me? How could it be me? Amit? Is she still with him? How can Riya do this? I don’t believe it. Riya could never do this. She is smart enough to take care of herself. I wanted answers to all these questions.
Few Things Left Unsaid Page 16