I called her. She had changed her number. I called Amit. Even he had changed his number. I took her number from Swapnil and called her. I told her to meet me after an hour. She agreed and we decided to meet in the college.
She still could not walk properly. She looked upset.
‘What happened to you? Is what I have heard true? You had an operation?’ I asked her.
‘Yes. I had an operation three days ago. I had messaged you on Orkut. Didn’t you check it? I missed you when I was about to enter the operation theatre. I wanted you to be there.’ She had tears in her eyes.
What was happening? I could not understand anything. She had admitted that she had an operation. I could not believe my ears. I was in tears. How could Riya do this? But she said she missed me. Did she mean that it was my child? She killed my child? But how could it be?
‘Why did you have an operation?’ My heartbeats increased.
‘Operation for appendicitis. It’s still aching,’ she said.
Oh my God! I was relieved. She did not have an abortion. I would have died if it had been true. I calmed down. I was really happy and I left after saying bye to her. I still don’t know why she missed me when she was with Amit now. But I didn’t care. I wanted to stop the rumours which were spreading in college. Riya was clean. I knew it. However, I feared for her reputation. I trusted her but not Amit. I told everyone whom I could that the abortion rumours were untrue. I even hit a few classmates who challenged my explanation. They shut up after that. I knew my Riya couldn’t do anything silly. But I also knew Riya was not mine anymore.
I went to a wine shop and bought two beer cans. Sameer joined me. He did not drink much but he gave me company. Even I didn’t know why I was in a mood to drink. Was it because Riya did not have an abortion or was it because Riya was not mine?
‘I am happy Sameer. Riya did not have an abortion. I would have died if it was true. Or maybe I still love her. Cheers.’
‘If she comes to know that you are drinking so much and smoking too, how will she feel? She won’t accept you in her life ever again,’ Sameer said.
‘She won’t accept me anyways. Forget it. Let’s just enjoy ourselves.’
Mom asked me about Riya several times but I ignored her. I did not want to spoil her image in front my parents. I still loved her. Mom tried calling Riya but she had changed her number. She somewhat got the hint that we had broken up. But she never said anything about it.
Shattered Dreams
My lifestyle, my likes, and dislikes—everything had changed, and so had my behaviour along. I had almost stopped attending college. Cigarettes and beer were the only things that gave me company. I had started cursing Riya. Whether it was done in a conscious state or not, I didn’t care. I cursed her, her family, and her life.
The final defaulter list of the fourth semester came out. I searched my name on the list. My overall attendance was 52 percent. My attendance in ECAD 2 which Shinde sir taught was much less—45 percent.
I went along with all the other defaulter students to the head of the department. We were almost 25 students in total. But 5 students were in the limelight along with me. The rest were let off and only the five of us were asked to wait.
‘I think you all are not interested in doing engineering anymore. It’s okay. Now do one thing. Bring your parents during your submissions. In their absence, you will not be allowed to do them,’ the HOD warned us.
He had asked us to bring our parents on purpose. He wanted us to feel embarrassed in front of them. I knew that if I told them about it, I would be killed. I thought of arranging ‘paid’ parents from somewhere who would act as my parents for money. This was the first time I was attempting to do something like this. I asked one of my classmates about it. He said he knew someone who could pretend to be my dad without taking any money. This was the last option I had. I thought of convincing the HOD one last time.
‘I am sorry sir. I promise I won’t repeat it. I will attend lectures regularly next year onwards. I had not been keeping well for a few days, that is the reason why my attendance was so low. Please forgive me sir,’ I said trying my best to convince him.
‘I don’t want to hear a word from your mouth. You just need excuses for not attending lectures. I won’t entertain your submission until you bring your parents. Now please leave and don’t enter my office till you bring your parents along.’
‘Sir, my parents are extremely busy. Can I make you talk with them over the phone? Please sir,’ I requested one more time.
‘No. Don’t talk crap with me. All parents have time for thier children. Unless you bring them, you won’t be allowed to do submissions this year. Take leave for a year and then come back,’ he screamed at me.
I was left with no other option. I decided to bring the paid person as my dad. But I knew it involved a lot of risk. If the staff realized what I was upto, I could be detained and not allowed to sit for exams. I decided to take the risk.
I met the uncle who had agreed to pose as my dad for money. I explained everything to him about my dad’s work and about me. I also asked Sameer to come as my elder brother. No one in the staff knew him as he had dropped a year and we had different teachers. Moreover, he was in the civil department. I explained the situation to him. He was ready to do it for my sake. After our preparations were over, we started for college. I was scared. Still I gathered courage and went to the HOD’s cabin.
‘Sir, this is my dad and my elder brother,’ I said introducing them. She asked them to take a seat. My heart was pumping rapidly.
‘Do you know why you have been called here?’ the HOD asked my dad.
‘Yes. Becasue he had low attendance. Actually, the thing is that he was medically unfit for a few days and couldn’t come to college,’ my ‘dad’ explained.
‘I understand. But they had been warned earlier. This is the final defaulter list. He had been warned last month too.’
Both my so called dad and brother looked at me.
‘Sir, he will study hard and won’t repeat it again in the future. I know he should have attended the lectures. I am pursuing engineering too and know how tough it can be. I am in my final year at Vivekanand College of Engineering, IT department,’ Sameer said.
Why did he have to say IT department? I was scared. What if they asked him something he didn’t know?
‘What project are you doing? What is your percentage?’ The HOD asked brother Sameer.
‘I am doing a project on mobile technology. GPRS. And my overall percentage is 58 percent.’ Sameer said.
I tried to control my laughter somehow. Sameer getting 58 percent was possible, but at Vivekanand College and in a project on mobile technology? That was funny.
‘Learn something from your brother. You need to learn a lot. I am forgiving you this time. I don’t want you to repeat this mistake again. Write an undertaking and leave.’
I went to Shinde sir because of whom my submission was delayed. He was not ready to accept my submission.
‘Go and do your submissions in other subjects. I won’t take your submission this year. Get out,’ he shouted.
I did not leave his cabin. I was standing there along with Sameer and ‘dad’.
‘Sir, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please sir.’
He took my file and wrote fail on it and threw it away. He warned me to get out of the cabin. We didn’t want to make him more angry so we left.
‘Aadi, don’t worry. He won’t fail you. He is just trying to scare you and teach you a lesson. Don’t worry, let’s leave. The HOD has given permission. Shinde sir can’t do anything about it now,’ said Sameer.
We left college. I tried to ignore whatever had happened. I stopped at a nearby tapri and smoked a cigarette and drank a bottle of beer.
‘Even if he gives me a KT in one subject, who cares? Let him do what he wants,’ I said.
‘I know. But keep concentrating on your studies. Exams are a few weeks away and you have vivas an
d practicals this week,’ Sameer said.
I paid my actor ‘dad’ for his performance. Sameer dropped him near his house. I went home and tried to study, but I was not interested in it at all.
My vivas did not go very well. They were just good enough to get me passing marks. The same was with my practicals. I had to give nine theory papers. I did not even know what was in the syllabus. I wanted to clear at least five subjects to avoid dropping a year.
I tried to study with a beer in one hand and books in the other. It helped me to concentrate and leave my past behind. I gave my exams and was sure of clearing all the subjects. Except for drinking and smoking, there was no other activity left in my life.
Results were declared after two weeks.
I went to college and checked the result of the third semester.
Electrical networks
45
passed
Maths 3
53
passed
ECAD 1
28
failed
I knew this had been done on purpose. I was expecting to pass in ECAD 1. But I somewhere knew Shinde sir would take revenge. I checked out the fourth semester results.
Maths 4
40
passed
CSE
28
failed
Microprocessor
25
failed
PCom
40
passed
ECAD 2
25
failed
DD2
44
passed
I had got 4 KTs! I breathed a sigh of relief as I didn’t get a drop for a year.
I took a look at the viva, practicals, and teamwork marks.
I had passed, except in:
ECAD 2 viva
8
failed
ECAD 2 pracs
9
failed
ECAD 2 termwork
7
failed
Four KTs in theory and three internal KTs. Seven KTs in all!
I was shocked. I would have to drop a year. I had cleared 5 theory subjects. However, Shinde sir had done it on purpose. I could not say a word. It was all over.
My mind said, ‘Experience the first drop in engineering. Congrats. I told you to attend lectures and not mess with Shinde sir. Now enjoy yourself.’
What can be worse than this? First, you land up doing engineering and then you get your love. Later you lose your love and now lose a year. Everyone was going away. I needed someone who could take care of me. I would be screwed if I took this result home. I went near the IT section. Their result had been displayed two days ago. I looked for Riya’s result. She had 3 KTs. But the important thing was that she had made it to the third year. Neha had passed too. All clear again.
I told Sameer about the result. He shouted at me saying he had told me to study.
I wanted Swapnil and Anup to be near me. I had broken my friendship with them just to avoid Riya. Today I needed them by my side, but they were not there. I had lost my best friends. Why? For Riya?
It’s been almost six months since I had last spoken to the boys. We used to do everything together…laugh, cry, enjoy. It was hard to admit the fact that they were gone and I was afraid to talk to them again. Maybe my ego stopped me.
I wished to see them right now. I wanted to apologize to them and have them back in my life.They had already moved on with their lives, they had passed with good marks, and had made it to the third year. If Riya had been with me today, she would have told me to be strong and not to worry. But she was not there.
How could one walk away from someone they loved? It had been more than 7 months now but still her memories were fresh in my mind.
I wanted to take a different path now. I wanted to start all over again. I didn’t want to forget her memories. I still remembered the time we had loved each other and the time when she left me. My life was at a standstill. She never once looked back even though I was still waiting for her.
My heart said she would come back, but I knew I should trust my mind.
Now, the cigarette was my only friend and girlfriend. I could kiss her anytime I wanted. I could feel her anytime I wanted. I could sleep without calling her and she wouldn’t complain. Ashtrays were full during the nights. And the glass remained full during the days.
‘Sameer, I am not going to tell my result at home right now. They will kill me.’ I said to Sameer one day. I was sipping a beer.
‘I think you should tell your parents about the result, Aadi. The date of the declaration of the result is printed on the mark sheet. They will get hurt if you hide it from them and they find out on their own later,’ Sameer said.
‘I can’t tell them so early. In fact, I tried telling the result at home. But I was not able to. Even mom asked me twice. I ignored her question saying the results were late. I don’t have courage to face them,’ I replied.
All our dreams and expectations were buried in the sand. I had a dream of getting placed in a good company and earning lots of money. Now that dream couldn’t be realized. I wanted my parents to be happy. That dream had vanished too. No son wants his parents to cry in front of him just because of a girl. But I could not forget her. She was more than a girlfriend for me. I was guilty of deceiving my parents. I had a dream of scoring good marks in the second year and convincing my mom that Riya was the best for me. But now that dream was shattered.
Wasted Hopes
I still can’t understand how anyone can forget true love. I was trying hard to forget her. But couldn’t.
Today I think if I had not liked you, I would not have loved you. If I would not have loved you, I would not have missed you. But I did, I do, and I will. It kills me to see that you don’t care enough to stop me from walking away. It’s not that I am mad for you, it’s just that when I talk to you, I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can’t have you and that makes me love you even more. I am not supposed to love you, I am not supposed to care, and I am not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I am not supposed to wonder where you are or what you are doing, but I cannot help it, because I am in love with you. There is this place in me where your fingertips still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers echo softly. It is the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
I could not cry all my life. I had to find a way to move on. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn’t a loser. I couldn’t fool myself and spoil my life. I wanted to achieve something. I wanted to prove to myself that I still had the confidence that I used to have earlier. It was not easy for me. It involved a lot of hard work.
It was September 9. It had been almost a year since I last saw Riya. I had never tried to contact her. She too hadn’t. But there had been a few changes in my life. I had bought myself a bike from my own savings. It was a Hero Honda Karizma. I was proud of myself for having done something productive. When I was taking the delivery of the bike, I was missing Riya a lot. I wanted to tell her about my first big purchase in life. I wanted her to be the first person to sit on my bike. I wanted her beside me on this special occasion. My happiness would have doubled if Riya would have been with me. I sat on my bike along with my dad and went for the first ride. He was happy for obvious reasons. He had tears in his eyes. Even mom’s eyes were wet. I felt proud at that moment. But somewhere I knew I was hiding the worst possible thing from them. Very soon I would have to tell them that I had dropped out. My dad hugged me.
It was an emotional moment for me. I would have been in seventh heaven if Riya too had been beside me. For the first time in the last few months, I was missing her very much. Until then I had thought Riya was a closed chapter in my life. However, everything flashed in front of my eyes today. I still loved her as much as I did before. I still remembered each and every moment with her. I wanted her back in my life. I couldn’t live like this. Now that I had money, my parents were proud of m
e, I wanted her back. Attending lectures too was not a problem as I had a dropped out. I went to Aerol on my bike with Sameer. I waited near her building for two hours. But I could not see her.
‘Let it be Aadi, let’s leave,’ Sameer said.
‘I wanted to show her the bike. I was really missing her a lot. I could not forget her. I wanted her back. I wanted to give a last chance to our relationship. I hoped it worked.’ We left.
I decided to bring her back into my life.
We came back to our place, chilled out for a bit, and then went to a bar. I was getting increasingly frustrated. The same thoughts were reverberating in my mind. Try as much as I could, my mind kept on going back to Riya. I ordered two bottles of beer.
‘What has happened to you suddenly? Why are you drinking so much? I thought you had recovered and were moving on in your life,’ said Sameer.
‘I don’t know, Sameer. Today when I got the bike keys, I was really missing her a lot. Even I had thought it was all over, but who am I kidding here? I can’t forget her,’ I said sipping the beer.
‘She is not going to come back to you. She must be happy with Amit. Why you are spoiling your life again? Exams are so near. Why do you want her now? She is history,’ Sameer reminded me.
‘Please Sameer. I can’t erase her from my mind. Even this alcohol can’t. Let me give one last chance to my relationship. If I fail, then I will never think about her again. Please Sameer. Just one chance. Let me try to bring her back to me,’ I was almost two beers down.
I ordered one more can of beer. Sameer tried to stop me from drinking. But I did not listen to him.
‘Aadi, do you know what is happening in her life? Is she with Amit or not?’ Sameer asked.
‘I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t care. I am going to give it a try. I will call her tomorrow. It is her birthday in some days,’ I said.
We left the pub. I was heavily drunk and could not even walk properly.
‘Why did you drink so much? Don’t you have any responsibility towards your family, friends, and Riya?’ Sameer asked with concern.
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