‘Forget it. No one can stop me. I am not hurting anyone.’
‘Why are you so stubborn? Don’t you understand you are heading towards a dead end?’ Sameer said.
Things were turning sour between us as he raised his voice and said, ‘If you just want to do what even you know is bloody insane, then I am leaving.’
‘Ok sorry,’ I replied. ‘I understand it’s not the right thing to do, but I just don’t want to face the real world. Not anymore.’
He gave me some water and we continued arguing.
If I think about it practically, I was really taking my life to a dead end.
No, I don’t care, I don’t love her. No, I don’t want her back. I am happy, I am enjoying my life. Who says my heart is broken? Am I falling for her? No. I will sleep with other girls. And why should I think of just one girl when she just does not care?
Nevertheless, the fact was that I was just fooling myself by saying all this, as I still loved her, cared for her, and knew I would do it forever. So why did I let her go?
Why does someone love one person so much even after that person has betrayed him? I did not have any answer.
Thoughts
It’s been more than a year since our breakup. Even today when I look back, I can still remember every small detail of the times we were together. I never knew our love was so strong. I went to meet her exactly a year after her birthday, but she was not ready to talk to me. She ignored all my gifts and my letters. I was so excited to meet her. I thought she would at least talk to me for a bit. I didn’t expect anything more. But that too did not happen.
Even this year she was not ready to take any gifts from me. I don’t know today if Amit and Riya are together. She did change her number after we broke up. Each day passed by thinking of her. I knew I had to concentrate on studies. But I could not.
Nothing would ever be right without her in my life again. Why the hell did she change her number again?
Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all had obviously never felt this kind of love and the pain and destruction of life that the loss leaves behind. I could never see her anymore, and I knew that. I had a last chance on her birthday but it was gone.
On December 31 when I met Mr Banerjee, all the memories came flooding back. I thought about all that he had said after going back home. Each picture was crystal clear in front of me. Love can never be wrong, but a girl sure can. I thought about what he had said and felt he was right. I had made the mistake of loving her. I needed to move on.
I don’t say I am still in as deep pain as I was last year when I tried to bring her back into my life.
Those were the worst days of my life. Though time has healed the wounds a little, it could never take away the desire to want her, to care for her, to cherish and love her.
She is and will always be my first love. There is still a part of my heart that wonders whether she really loved me in the first place.
I needed to move on with my life. Maybe Mr Banarjee was right. Love can never be wrong, but a girl can. I needed to accept the fact that she was not in my life anymore and move on. After all, life doesn’t stop for anyone.
I needed to forget all the best moments of my life. I had to realize that Riya was not coming back to me again. She was happy with her life. She didn’t need me anymore.
I forgave her for loving him. I forgave her for kissing him. I forgave her for sleeping with him. I forgave her for lying. All this did not hurt me anymore. What hurt me more was that she allowed him to touch her. She chose to go away from me. I have realized time can’t be brought back. Was it my decision which forced her to go or her heart, it does not matter today. Today, I realize that true love hurts. I realize why people opt for one night stands or temporary relationships.
I gathered courage and strength and decided to forget everything. It was difficult, almost impossible. But I decided to do it. One thing that I would always think of is why did I let her go.
Exams were over. When the results came out, I came to know that I had cleared 1 KT. CSE. I still had one attempt in May to clear the other subjects and become eligible to move to third year. I decided to study hard this time and clear all my KTs. I wanted to move on. I called up Sameer.
‘Sameer, I want to move on. I want to forget everything. I have thought about it well enough now. And this is my final decision,’ I said.
‘That’s nice. I am glad to hear this. I was tired of explaining the same things again ans again to you. Thank God you realized it. I must thank Mr Banarjee,’ Sameer said.
‘I think God sent him on the earth for me. He knew everything about me. He was certainly no mere mortal and there was something special about him,’ I said.
‘Oh shut up! He was a normal human being. You were drunk. He was drunk. So stop thinking foolishly.’
‘I want to tell you one more thing. I hope you believe it.’
‘What is it now? Don’t tell me you are in love again,’ he said giving me a strange look.
‘No, it’s nothing like that. I have decided to quit drinking. I won’t drink from now on. And I am serious. I will smoke but only once in a while, not like a chain smoker.’ Sameer began laughing so loudly, he could not control his tears. I looked at him, trying to convince him that I was serious.
‘Let us see how many days you can keep up with this promise. I will be happy if you quit.’ He somehow controlled himself and stopped laughing.
But I had made up my mind.
Strange Incidents
I was in my bedroom, thinking of ways of telling my parents that I had dropped a year. In their minds, their son would be in the sixth semester now. But this wasn’t the case. I did not have the guts to face them anymore. I was thinking about every possible solution. I looked at my cellphone. One message received.
It was an unknown number.
Good evening sir. I hope you have received a mail regarding your request. Thanks for contacting us.
I thought they had contacted me by mistake.
I replied, Hey, I think you have messaged on the wrong number. What are you talking about?
I got an instant reply, Is it Mr Suresh? This is Harsha here. You had contacted me in the morning regarding a job.
I replied again.
You are mistaken. This is Aditya here. I did not contact you. I don’t have a job. I am doing engineering at the moment and working on odd part-time jobs.
I receive one more message.
Oh, I am so sorry. I think I messaged on a wrong number. Thanks a lot. I am working for a call centre in Malad. Sorry again.
I thought I could take help from her. One of my school friends wanted a job. Maybe she was the appropriate person whom I could consult about that. I thought of continuing the conversation.
It’s okay. My name is Aditya. I am doing engineering from Euro college. Electronics engineering. My part-time jobs help me earn a decent amount for my myself.
She replied: Cool. It’s nice to hear you’re doing something besides engineering. I too have been working in this call centre for the last 6 months. Day shifts.
I replied: Nice to talk to you. If I have any work I will call you or message you. Save my number. Take care. Have a nice day.
I called her later.She did not attend it. I thought I was disturbing her. I waited for her to respond. I got a reply from her a day later.
Sorry. I was busy with my parents. Why don’t you give me a call tommorow night? Same time. Take care. Bye.
I called her the day after. My mom and dad were sleeping. I was in my bedroom. She picked up the call. We greeted each other normally. She was speaking in a low voice. I could not hear her well enough.
‘Why are u speaking so softly?’ I asked.
‘My parents don’t allow me to talk at night. That’s why,’ she said.
‘So why do you still want to talk to me? That’s really strange.’
‘Shut up. So which year are you in?’ she asked.
‘It’s a long story. Actually I had to drop a year after second year at engineering and I did not tell my parents about it. They still think I am in the third year and I don’t have the guts to tell them the real story,’ I said.
‘That’s really bad. Do you realize that you are hurting them? Don’t do this. They trust you so much and you are misleading them. Tell them the truth. I will help you if you want.’
‘How can you help me?’ I asked.
She suggested I message my parents if I did not have the courage to speak to them face to face or over the phone. She also told me that she would write an emotional message and send it to me on my phone. All I would have to do is forward it to my parents.
I told her that it was really considerate of her. Fifteen minutes later, I got a long text message from her that I had to send to my parents.
Sorry mom. Sorry dad. I don’t know how you will react aftr reading this message. But your son has fooled you. Yes mom, I am fooling you. I am fooling myself. I am sorry for having given you so much pain. I wanted to tell you this since a long time but for various reasons, I couldn’t. Mom, dad, I’m not in the third year in college, I’m still in the second. I had to drop a year. Please don’t be angry with me. I did not have the guts to tell you. I tried but couldn’t. Sorry mom. Sorry dad. I care for you both. I know my act is one big mistake but trust me, I really love you!! And I am here to change! So please let go of my mistake. I don’t know how to tell you how truly sorry I am. I always blow your trust. But just once, please forgive me. I will study hard and clear all my subjects. Trust me. Give me just one chance to prove myself. I will do whatever you say.
That afternoon, I went out with Sameer. I decided to send this message at that time. I did not say anything about Harsha to Sameer. He would have killed me. We watched a movie and I messaged my mom after the movie.
Mom started calling me continuously after that. I did not pick up the call. I was afraid that she would be angry. I had committed a big blunder. I was ashamed of myself. I had fooled my parents for almost seven months. No son could have done what I did. I started crying. Sameer was consoling me. I received a message from mom.
Come home. Don’t worry. We are always with you. Love you.
I started howling. I thought they would hit me or shout at me if nothing else. But they didn’t say a word. This made me feel even more guilty. They had tried so hard to make me strong but I had never listened to them.
They gave me whatever I wanted. I still broke all the rules and their trust. The more they tried to bring out the best in me, the more I tried to ignore them.
‘You have the best parents in the whole world, Aadi. They didn’t even shout at you. Let’s go home. I will come with you. Don’t worry now and wipe away your tears. Listen to whatever they say. Don’t argue with them even if Riya is discussed,’ Sameer said to me while we were on our way back home.
We reached home. Mom and dad were sitting on the couch. It looked like they had had a big discussion. I went in and sat next to my dad. Sameer looked at me. He seemed scared. This made me even more nervous. I was waiting for them to start the conversation. But they didn’t, so I finally spoke up.
‘I’m sorry and I mean it. I won’t do this again, I promise.’
‘How many KTs have you got? Is there any problem with the college? Be frank with us. We want to know the truth today,’ said dad.
‘Dad, I tried my level best to clear the subjects, atleast the minimum subjects which would make me eligible for promotion to the third year. But I got an internal KT. Viva and termwork. So I was not eligible. I tried telling you both so many times but didn’t have the courage to face you. I am sorry,’ I replied with tears in my eyes.
‘It’s okay. But what have you decided to do now? Do you want to continue with engineering or not? Or do you want to change your stream? Are you capable of completing it?’ dad asked me.
‘Of course he is capable. He had scored good marks in HSC and also in the first semester. The main reason why he failed is something else,’ mom shouted.
I did not say anything. I was at fault. I kept quiet. Riya was not the reason for my dropping a year. Beer was the main reason. It had made me complacent. I could not tell my mom about this. So I chose to keep quiet.
‘Yes dad, I will. Give me one more chance. I will do it, I promise,’ I said going closer to dad.
‘It’s okay. See to it that you complete your degree. We won’t force you to work after that, but you should have a degree in your hands at least,’ dad said.
I went to my room and messaged Harsha that everything was fine. She replied saying she was happy to hear that.
I kept thinking about all that she had done for me. Was I ready to take a chance with someone else? Could I take the risk of falling in love again? She had one of Riya’s qualities for sure—that of helping others in times of need.
But I had not even seen her till now. Everything was once again moving too fast. I told myself I needed to stop my heart from falling for her before it was too late. But I was also enjoying my time with her and wanted to see if things were going anywhere between us. This time was it lust or love with her? Whatever it was, it made me feel fresh and rejuvenated. I felt alive once again. This time with Harsha. A girl from a call centre. She must be a good looking girl. Call centres in Malad have extremely pretty girls.
I was falling in love once again. A girl whom I had never seen before and neither heard her voice clearly before but who was still doing so much for me. Initially I felt like she was a lot like Riya. But then I realized I should not be comparing her with anyone since she is her own person. I thought about giving myself another chance. Would Harsha be my second love?
Or was I attracted to her just because she had a few qualities similar to Riya? Caring, understanding, helpful.
God knows. But I wanted to move on.
I called her at night and I told her that I was attracted to her. She still spoke in low voice which wasn’t very clear.
‘Don’t tell me. You’re such a flirt. You should concentrate on your studies instead. And you must have a girlfriend for sure,’ she said teasingly.
‘No, I recently broke up and don’t have a girlfriend now. How and why we broke up is a long story. She betrayed me even though I really loved her. Talking about studies, I don’t care a damn about that. I just want to get to third year. I am also earning part-time. So who cares,’ I said trying to ignore Riya’s topic.
I did not have the guts to ask her where she lived. She might think I was getting involved with her. Still I tried to sound innocent and give her the impression that I was like the boy next door.
‘What happened to your girlfriend?’ she asked.
‘She went off with someone else. Actually it’s not her fault. I tried to stop her from going with him. He was not the right guy for her. I really cared for her.’
‘What do you mean by the “right kind of guy”? What made you think so?’ she asked again.
‘He was my friend. I mean, I met him through her. But then we became friends and he had hatched a masterplan in his mind to get her. He fooled my little bachcha into falling in love with him. But it’s over now. There’s nothing for you to worry about,’ I said trying to flirt with her.
‘You still love her?’ Her questions were never ending.
‘It does not matter whether I love her or not. What matters is that she does not love me anymore,’ I answered smartly.
‘Who told you this?’ she went again.
‘Why are you asking me all these questions? Do you know her? Or did we know each other before these calls? I felt something fishy.
‘Nothing dear. I was just asking out of curiosity. If you don’t like me asking, I won’t. Is that fine?’
This was going too fast. My second would-be relationship and it was moving as fast as a speeding train.
‘Can we meet tomorrow? I am free. I can drop by your office. I have purchased a new bike. What say?’ I wanted to see her. I wanted to confirm tha
t she was someone I didn’t know before.
‘I will tell you tomorrow morning. Is that fine?’
I agreed to wait. I received a message in the morning asking me to pick her up from the Eastern express highway. I got ready and went on my new bike. I was keen to meet her. I was in a good mood as I left my house that day, looking forward to seeing her for the first time. As I cruised down the road with the wind blowing through my hair, I thought to myself, Will she be like my Riya? Or will she be even better than her? I started imagining what she would be like from her voice.
But no one could replace Riya.
I reached the place. My eyes searched for a pretty face but I didn’t see any. I could have waited there for a lifetime if it was for Riya. But it was Harsha.
I called her. She did not pick up. I messaged her. She did not reply to my message. I kept waiting for her for over an hour. I received a message.
I was just testing you to see if you were really going to come or not. Thanks for coming dear. I know you want to see me. I have mailed you my pictures. You can take a look. Bye. I will call you tonight.
This made me angry. I did not shout at her though. I did not want to spoil her day by fighting with her. I controlled myself. I used to get angry and spoil Riya’s day. I didn’t want to repeat the mistake. I replied to her:
It’s okay dear. If you want me to drop you to your office, I will. No bad intentions. I never understood this when I was with Riya. Particularly around the last phase of our relationship. I don’t want to hurt anyone now. Take care. Have a nice day.
I went home and opened my inbox. I saw her pictures. She was pretty, but not as pretty as my Riya. Brown eyes, fair, chubby cheeks, slightly overweight, and slightly on the shorter side. In all, a decent girl. I decided to flush out Riya from my life and give Harsha a chance.
It was the end of Riya and the beginning of Harsha.
Finally I could get rid of Riya’s memories from my mind.
I messaged her: You look nice dear. Not perfect, but suitable for me.
She replied, Then who is perfect for you?
Few Things Left Unsaid Page 18