I replied: I am sorry if what I say hurts you. But Riya will always be the perfect one for me. No one can replace her in my life. But you have everything that a boy needs. Talk to you at night. Bye.
Unspoken Truth
I made up my mind to propose to her. If there was any girl who could help me forget my past, it was Harsha. I decided to propose to her the next night itself. I was waiting for the day to pass and the night to come. Maybe she was the girl I had been waiting for even since Riya left. She was the girl who could bring my life back. Bring my happiness back. I got tired of waiting for Riya. She couldn’t hear my cries. She couldn’t feel my tears. Only God knows what I was going through. All alone in the darkness. It was time to move on. Even though something in my mind told me to wait, I didn’t want to anymore. I was tired of waiting and decided that this time I would propose to Harsha. Who said love happens just once? It could happen twice.
I went to my room and thought how silly I was to have not considered dating someone earlier. I should have taken this step long back. Riya wouldn’t be back. Maybe our love story was not meant to be successful. God had some different plans in his mind. And I had to make my peace with that. I was going to give my life a second chance.
I called Harsha around 11 pm.
Harsha: ‘Hi. Thanks for coming that day. Did you like my photos?’
Me: ‘I want to tell you something.’
Harsha: ‘Don’t tell me you are in love with me.’
Me: ‘Just close your eyes first.’
Harsha: ‘What is it? Now you are scaring me.’
Me: ‘I really don’t deserve a girl like you. I am a flirt, I have the worst image, but I still want to change. I want to improve. I want a girl who can improve me. And that girl is you. I know Riya will always be somewhere in my mind. But I love you baby. And today when I saw your photos, I just wanted to hug you and never let you go. You are special to me. You make me complete. I will never leave you alone in this relationship. Love you. Do you wish to be my beloved?’
There was a long silence. I asked her to say something.
Harsha: ‘Is this the first time you have said something like this to a girl or have you used these lines on other girls as well?
How could she know that I had proposed to Riya the same way? Or was she just guessing?.
Me: ‘It’s just for you. I have never said this to anyone before. And now I have a special song for you too. Tujhe dekh dekh sona, tujhe dekh kar hai jagna…
Again there was silence.
Harsha: This is surely not just for me. You have sung this for someone else too, haven’t you? Tell me, am I right?
I became more and more suspicious. I was getting the feeling she knew me. How could she know all this? I had seen her photos and I couldn’t remember seeing her before. Were her photos fake?
Me: ‘I love you. I love you jaan. I love you my sweet little cute bachchu. Missing you.’
She didn’t say a word. Nor did I. She was crying. My suspicions were confirmed after this.
Me: ‘You are my bachcha. You are my jaan. You are my wife. Oh my god! I can’t believe it. Tell me the truth. Please jaan, tell me. Please. You are my Riya, isn’t it? You’re the one who sent me fake photos.’
Still there was silence. It brought tears to my eyes. I could not believe what was happening. Was I watching a dream? When I was in a relationship, I let her go. I tried to forget her, but it did not happen. I tried to give a second chance to my relationship but she was not ready. I decided to get over her and got Harsha. I decided to propose to her. But I was again back to square one.
Me: ‘Please answer me. Please.’
I started crying badly. I wanted to hear her real name. She was still sobbing.
Me: ‘Please tell me. I know you are my Riya. It’s time for us to grow up now. I know how much we miss each other. Please come back to me. You still have a place in my heart. I have been very lonely ever since you said goodbye. Remember those days when we both sang songs together, the smiles we shared each time we saw each other. Do you really want to throw away all those sweet memories? This is the only opportunity we have to rewrite our history. Just put away your pride and come back to me.
Come back. Please come back and rewrite our history.
She still didn’t speak a word. This silence from her end was killing me.
Me: ‘I know that we haven’t talked for a long time, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you everyday. You don’t know just how much I wish that I could be lying there with you whispering in your ear my heart’s deepest desires.’
I close my eyes and let my thoughts flow. ‘I picture us lying in bed, your arms around me, my head upon your chest, my fingers gently touching your skin. My soft lips place a whisper of a kiss on your neck. I can hear your heartbeats getting louder and faster. In my mind, your lips capture me and hold me there in ecstasy. We look lost into each other’s eyes. I feel your hands caress me as you whisper sweet nothings into my ear. You make sweet, sweet love to me and wipe away my tears. Each time that you touch me, it feels like the first time. As each night passes, your presence seems more real with me. But then I open my eyes and realize it was just another dream. Tears fall from my eyes. Pain sears through my chest. My heart cries out for you.’
And finally she spoke…
‘I want to give you a love bite which will be visible to everyone. So that no girl will come close to you ever again. Let the world know that you are mine. Just mine. And that no one can take you away from me. I love you. Love you a lot. You are my kid. My bachcha. So innocent. So sweet. My Mr Perfect. I have tried so hard to fight these feelings, but I can’t do it anymore. I know that I love you, but I didn’t want to tell you. We had known each other only for a couple of weeks and you already had me completely and totally to yourself. I don’t even want to think about being with anyone else. I thought that if I stopped talking to you, I would forget how I felt. I thought that if I could keep myself busy, I would be okay, but I can’t forget you and I’m not okay. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings for you. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your touch. I can’t let you go. I feel terrible for not talking to you for the last few months. So many nights I have cried my eyes out in your absence. I broke up with Amit long back. He was not right for me. You were right. You are my Mr Perfect.’
Me: ‘I have waited so long to be able to wake up every day to look at your beautiful face. I’m so thankful to God that you’re here.You take my breath away with some of the things you say. I love the way I feel when I lie down with you, your arms wrapped around me holding me, like I’m your baby. I am sometimes surprised of how much emotion flows out when I cry over you. You say I’m perfect and that you’re the luckiest girl in the world, but you don’t see what I see when I look at you. I am so lucky to even have you touch me with your hands. Or to even look at me. I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life, but I thank God for letting me do it. You are so unbelievably perfect.’
We didn’t realize how time flew. It was 7 in morning and we were still talking to each other. We decided to meet near the central garden at 2 pm.
When I got up, the world seemed beautiful. Everyone around me seemed to be happy. Suddenly my outlook towards people had changed. It was a positive start for me. The day which I had been waiting for had arrived. I was going to meet Riya, my love, after such a long time. I had forgotten her touch. I had forgotten her smile.
Did she still look same? I hadn’t seen her for the past few months. I was thinking about her all the time. I wanted to feel her touch again. I wanted to see her smile again. I could not wait for the clock to strike 2 pm.
She had said once that I would never get a girl who could love me as much as she did. She was right. Now I was beginning to understand that love couldn’t happen twice. It could happen just once. I was getting attracted to Harsha because she was not Harsha. She was my Riya. The days I spent without her, the nights I thought about her while looking at the stars, the dream
s which involved her, the places where we went, the moments that we shared—everything was fresh in my mind. She told me that she loved me more than the world and that she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. We had such an amazing time when we were together. When I found out the truth about her, I was distraught, heartbroken, and felt used, foolish, and disgusted. I loved her more than anything in the world.
The moment I saw her, my heart skipped a beat again. The naughty smile was back on her face. She seemed tired. Maybe it was due to her hectic schedule. But I must admit she was looking more beautiful than before. More perfect than before. She had straightened her hair. She looked amazing. She came close to me and gave me a kiss. I looked around to see if anyone was watching us. She smiled.
‘You have not changed at all. Why do you have to look here and there?’ she smiled and kissed me again.
‘As if you have changed. You are still the same. As always, you don’t care a damn about the people around,’ I said and caught her hand.
To be able to touch her after so long was beautiful. Riya was back. We decided to go to Grant Lane. She sat on my bike for the first time since I had purchased it. She put her arm round my waist and leaned against me. I kissed her. I asked her what exactly happened and how had she managed to get my new number. I asked her what went wrong with Amit? I had so many questions in my mind. We reached Grant Lane and sat on our favourite bench and she bagan telling me about all that had happened in her life in the past one year.
Revelations
‘It was the beginning of a new relationship for me. It was not easy to forget the moments that I had with you. It was not easy to forget the places where we had gone. I never forgot you. Never did your thoughts leave my mind. The farther I went, the closer I was getting to you. I tried to be loyal to Amit. He was behaving very sweetly with me. He used to care a lot for me. I had requested him to give me some time to forget you and he agreed. I used to cry a lot when I was with him. When we went to Grant Lane, I cried for almost an hour. Whenever his bike passed central garden, I could not stop my tears. He knew everything. He was always with me. When I had an operation, he supported me a lot. I thought I had to give him the same love in return and kept telling myself I should not be thinking about you. I said sorry to him and told him this would never happen again. We always used to fight when you were the topic of discussion.’
‘One day Amit said, “You are not happy with me I know. I can’t make letters for you, I can’t sing a song for you. I am simple. I can’t give you surprises.”’
‘I asked him, “Why do you compare yourself with Aadi? I really don’t understand why you have to bring him between us everytime? Have I ever complained about these things? Please Amit, stop comparing yourself with him.” The arguments continued. It was not easy to adjust with him. As days passed, he started showing his true colours. He started avoiding me. He started shouting at me. “Don’t you understand, you idiot? I am busy. I can’t meet you now. So stop bothering me. I will call you when I am free,” Amit used to say. And I would reply back saying,’ ‘What the hell. Aadi never used to do this. He always used to talk to me. He never gave me such reasons except for the last few days. We have hardly been together for 2 months and you are behaving so rudely. Aadi was right.’
‘We started fighting daily. He never understood me the way you used to. He would behave nicely with me only when he wanted to take me to bed with him. One day your mom called me and said, “Riya is everything fine? Whenever I talk to Aadi about you. he changes the topic. Any problem?” I did not tell her what had happened between us. I told her that we both had decided to concentrate on our studies first and then think of other things. She accepted the reason and wished me luck for my future. She never called me after that. Maybe she understood that we both needed time to decide what we wanted.’
‘Each day it was getting more and more difficult for me to be with Amit and live without you. I tried to forget each and every thing between us but it never happened. Many times, instead of taking Amit’s name, I used to call him Aadi. Whenever we used to fight, he never cared to call me. He only cared just to be physical with me. I finally decided to tell him that I couldn’t adjust with him.’
‘I told him, “Amit, I can’t forget Aadi. I love him. I still love him a lot. I am not going back to him. I have to pay for whatever I did to him. Maybe he will never forgive me, but I can’t stop loving him. You are a fake person. You never loved me. Aadi was right. You can never love anyone. I lost my friend Neha because of you and my love too. Bye forever. I won’t call you again.”’
‘He lost his temper and said, “Are you mad? You left Aditya because of me. And now you are leaving me because of Aditya. Are you so desperate to have both guys with you on bed?” I was really hurt about his comments and asked him, “Are you drunk? How can you say such a thing? You are cheap. Aadi was perfect. He always told me that Neha had the cheapest boyfriend in town. He was right. Get lost. I don’t need you.”’
‘But he was not going to keep cool about it and said, “Bloody bitch. Even I don’t need you anymore. I have used you as much as I wanted to—even though you didn’t allow me to go all the way—and now your expiry date is up. You would remember Aditya whenever I tried to touch you. Get lost. Fuck off,” and kept the phone down.’
‘I really missed you that day. I wanted to call you. But I controlled myself. I still remember your message which said forget me and forget my name. I could not call you after all that I did to you. I was guilty. I was all alone. I had no friends and no love.’
‘But problems kept coming one after the other. My dad’s business collapsed. We had to sell our car. We had to sell our flat where we used to live. We did not want to sell the other flat. We kept it as it is. But it would have been too hectic for me and my brother if we shifted there. We rented a flat in Aerol in the same building. Still God had to test me some more. Both the shops which my dad owned were shut down. Suddenly financial problems arose. I could not take admission in the third year. I had to look for a job. I had no option left than to drop a year. I got a job in a call centre in Malad. I had a day shift there. I was the only person earning in my family. There was so much pressure on me to provide for my family that I could not think of coming back to you again. I had so many responsibilities on me. My salary was 12,000 rupees. Each day without you killed me from the inside. My schedule became hectic.’
‘One day I got a message from you. I sent you a rude reply. The reason was but obvious. I did not want to be in a relationship again. I was frustrated with my job. Moreover I felt really guilty coming back to you after what had happened. If you had behaved the same way as you did in the last few days of our relationship, it would have increased my problems. I did not see any change in you when I met you on my birthday. I was going to the office. I saw that you had realized my importance but I still was not sure if I should come back to you. I already was so disturbed and was going through the worst phase of my life to solve this problem, I decided to change my number. I knew if I changed my number, you would not be able to contact me. I got busy in my routine work.’
‘I had a client—Mr Suresh. He needed some urgent information by the end of the day. I did his work and messaged him. But you got that message instead. I checked both the numbers.There was a difference of just one digit. His number ended with 9061 and your number ended with 9060. I did not know it was your number. Then when you replied you were Aditya from Euro college I started chatting with you and began to keep in touch with you. And you, as usual, started flirting with me. In my call centre, it was compulsory to change the name in the calling department. I had changed my name to Harsha. I started talking to you using the same name. As our conversations began, I realized you still loved me. That brought a smile to my face. I still didn’t reveal my identity to you. I wanted to see how far you were willing to go with Harsha. But you told me that Riya will always be your life. I felt you had changed. And here I am with you.
‘I am sorry I thought wrong
ly of you. I could not see your love at that time. I am sorry for all the pain I caused you. I am sorry for the last one year when I was away from you. Can we be together again?’ she said. She had fear in her eyes.
I was overcome with emotion and told Riya, ‘Yes jaan. I am always yours. I can’t forget the pain that you caused me. I can’t forget the days when I needed you the most but still I was alone. I can’t forget the time when I fought with the world alone. But I don’t think much about these things. When I close my eyes, all that I can see is your smiling face. All I can remember is all the sweet moments that we shared. This time I won’t ignore you. I am sorry for whatever I did. I should have given you time.’
I slept on her lap. I felt like I could die happily then. I looked into her eyes and started crying. She kissed my tears and played with my hair and cheeks. We had pani puri and paav bhaaji. My day was complete. Oh no! not yet. One thing was missing.
‘Jaan, there is no one at home. Mom and dad have gone to watch a movie. They will have their dinner and come back late. We can go to my house. What say?’ I said.
She agreed to come. When we reached home, we went straight to my bedroom and I closed the door.
We kissed. We hugged. We made love. We were lying naked on the bed. To make up after a big fight and a big break up feels really good. She kissed me. I kissed her back. While kissing her back, I remembered what Amit had told me—the black spot on her back was too hot. I observed carefully. There was no black spot on her back. This brought a big smile on my face. It meant he never touched her back, he was just fooling me. I loved my Riya. I always knew my Riya would never be wrong.
As we lay in each others arms, she asked me, ‘Did you miss this?’
‘Yes a lot. I always told you you’re perfect. Your body is a wonderland. Love you a lot.’
‘I won’t leave you ever now. I am all yours. I realized what life is without you…love you too.’
‘Jaan, what is Mr Suresh’s full name? We should thank him. If it had not been for him, we would not have met again. What a coincidence it was. I thought something like this was only possible in Bollywood films. I still could not believe it happened with us in real life,’ I said.
Few Things Left Unsaid Page 19