Stay

by Mulholland, S.

  I ignore his pleading and apologetic tone.

  “First of all, don’t call me ‘baby’ or Alexandra, I hate them both and you have no right to, anyway. We are nothing to each other, remember? Second of all, why Jason? Why now? What’s changed? What happened to you all these years? Do you realize I’m MARRIED—and NOT to you?” I admonish.

  I see him close his eyes as if he’s in pain but I don’t care because I start to get angry at remembering him saying he wanted to reconnect with an old friend. Fuck that! I’m not old nor have I ever been just his friend.

  I hear the heart monitor speed up again but I ignore it and look away from Jason because all the hurt is coming back to me now.

  I need to know so many things but what I want to know most are the reasons for his being there and being here now.

  “Why were you there, Jason? What are you doing here now?” I ask impatiently.

  Hesitantly he says, “Look, Alex… I was there and everything that I said was the truth. I never meant to hurt you or leave you. I never had a choice.”

  He tries to grab my hand again but I just fold my arms over my chest and keep staring at the white wall in front of me.

  I’ve heard that before and he never explains any further. I can’t believe I thought after all these years he would be able to explain himself. Why should I care anyway? Fucking Eh!

  “Alexandra, please. I need to know you’re okay. I need to feel your touch…”He pleads softly.

  I unfold my arms and glare at him. “IT’S ALEX!...Listen Jason, I’m fine, aside from the fact that it appears as though after being knocked out by my husband for two days you have brought up all the pain that I have been trying to keep locked down for many years. Now… if that’s all you were waiting for and wanting to do, you are free to go. Your services are not needed, now. ” I wave towards the door still not looking at him.

  I hear him sigh heavily.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head back and forth. “I’m not going anywhere, Alexandra. I’m here for you…now. I am so sorry that this is the life I left you to. I had no idea that things would end up being exactly the opposite of what I wanted for you--“

  I grunt because he’s pissing me off. Not only because I know that he’s the only one I’ve ever allowed to call me by my full name and loved it but also…what he wanted for me? Really? How about what I wanted?

  He notices my anger. “I just--I need you to hear me out but first I need to know why you didn’t tell anyone? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks in a low voice, as if he knows he won’t like my answer.

  I turn to him as my anger turns to sadness because I know what he’s talking about.

  “I made my choice and I had to accept what I committed myself to doing. I didn’t feel like anybody needed to know. He got just as much as I received. I didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for me and I certainly don’t need your pity now. And don’t give me the ‘why didn’t you tell me bullshit’…you disappeared, remember? I haven’t heard from you since the last time I saw you at Bobba’s, so please spare me your “concern” for me,” I say snidely.

  His eyes go dark with anger, “Dammit, Alexandra. He fucking ABUSED you. He almost fucking KILLED you! I don’t feel sorry for you. I hate that this has all happened because of me. I hate myself for hurting you…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby…” His voice is angry but at the same time haunted.

  That’s an emotion that I wasn’t expecting him to have. Why would he feel guilty?

  He rubs the back of his neck with both of his hands and that’s when I notice the bruises and gashes on his knuckles.

  I grab them immediately, frantic at the thought that he’s hurt. “OH MY GOD, Jason, are you all right? Did they check you out? You’re hands…”

  I’m not such a bitch, I still feel bad that he’s hurt because of me. All his knuckles look like they are cut and they are all kinds of different shades of purple, yellow, and green. Looks like it hurts.

  I wince at remembering how I could hear him beating the shit out of Zac.

  He reaches over to caress the right side of my face with his calloused hand. “I’m fine, Alexandra, I’m not the one that almost died.”His eyes glaze over, “Your beautiful face has the same amount of hurt that my hands do and it breaks my heart to see that anyone could have ever hurt you that way. I’m never going to forgive myself for that. I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time. The one thing I was trying to protect you from is what I pushed you into…” He finishes as his voice breaks.

  I close my eyes and lean into his touch not wanting to think about what he’s saying because it’s too painful for me and as much as I want to know what he means by that, I just want to feel him right now, in this moment.

  He quickly changes the subject and tries to lighten the mood. “You should see the other guy, though, he looks much worse…”

  I open my eyes to see that he has a playful smile on his face but I can tell it’s forced.

  I know at this point that I can no longer ignore the big elephant in the room so I ask what I really don’t want to know anything about but know that I should. “About that—where is he? What happened, Jason?”

  He leans back in his chair and starts rubbing his buzzed head back and forth.

  I know he’s uncomfortable because I remember his movements. Even after all these years, he hasn’t changed. I still know him. Damn!

  His eyes find mine before he responds, “Well, besides getting what he deserved from me. The police arrested him for domestic abuse but couldn’t hold him for more than 24 hours because he posted bail. Now that you are awake, however, you can press charges against him so that he can go back for a VERY long time.”

  I give him my best fake smile. “He’s a piece of shit that doesn’t even deserve me going through that trouble, Jason. I’m sure now that his precious reputation is down the drain he won’t come near me to preserve whatever is left of it.”

  His eyes go dark with fury. “YOU HAVE TO press charges. He cannot get away with what he did to you...”

  He leans forward placing his elbows on his knees.

  I roll my eyes and this time I don’t feel as much pain in my head. “What he did to me? Jason…anything that he did to me is NOTHING compared to what you have done to me. I don’t care about him or what happens to him. I told you, I made my bed and I laid in it for as long as possible because that was the choice I MADE. Maybe now, I’ll be able to get that divorce I’ve been wanting for the longest time. But throughout this whole mess there has never been anyone to blame but myself for what has happened. Besides, he never broke me, only you’ve been able to do that…” I say barely above a whisper.

  “Bab—Alexandra…I know you might think that you made that decision on your own, but I know otherwise. I know that I pushed you to him and so did everyone else because of me…” He continues to put the blame on himself, not being able to look at my face.

  I reach out to caress his face but I stop myself halfway because I know that I can’t go there with him, not after all that’s happened.

  “Nobody put a gun to my head, Jason. I did what I thought I needed at the time and I never thought it would end up being what it was. He was someone totally different than what I thought he was, but by the time I figured it out it was too late. I don’t blame anyone. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You didn’t want to be with me and--”

  “FUCK!” He abruptly yells, standing up and kicking the chair he was sitting on.

  He paces in front of me. I see his muscles get tense through his light blue polo shirt as he clenches his hands into fists.

  I lay there looking at him dumbfounded. What the fuck? What just happened?

  I don’t say anything to give him time to recuperate from whatever it is that pissed him off.

  He finally stops with his back facing me. I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t. He slowly turns around and looks me right in the eyes when he starts walking towards me.

  I swallow. Hard.<
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  He reaches the side of the bed and stands there looking down at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

  I blink as my mouth goes drier than when I originally woke up. He leans down and places both of his hands on either side of my body.

  “Is that what you think? After all this time, Alexandra, is that what you really believe?” He whispers tenderly.

  I shiver, involuntarily. After all these years, he still has that effect on my body. Damn him!

  Looking directly in his deep blue eyes I can tell that they are trying to search for something in me…I just can’t figure out what…it might be the drugs they have me on or something else but I don’t know what he wants from me.

  I hold his stare. “That’s what you said to me, Jason. What else am I supposed to believe when you left me high and dry not once but twice and that second time, you decided to tell me that I needed to move on with the one person that’s made my life after you a living hell. What would you think?”

  He breathes in deeply before getting closer to my face.

  By the time our noses are touching I can hear that heart monitor going crazy but we both ignore it and I start to involuntarily close my eyes when I feel his breath on my face.

  He gently continues whispering his response to me, “I said I couldn’t be with you, not that I didn’t want to be. That was then. I had no choice because of my family. I never wanted to leave you. I never forgot you, Alexandra…I thought about you every second of every day. I wanted to come back to you so bad but my family needed me. I never stopped lov—“

  He doesn’t get to finish because who I assume is my nurse burst in through the door with Doctor Washington right on her heel.

  “Miss…are you okay? Your heart rate has spiked dramatically. If it gets any higher you will be going into cardiac arrest again,” she says franticly.

  Jason pushes away from me and stands near my bed with both his hands resting on his hips.

  He tilts his head back and I faintly hear what seems to be a “great fucking timing…” come out of his mouth.

  Still in shock from what he just revealed to me I ask like a dumbass, “Huh? What are you talking about?”

  Nurse Betty—that’s right, I read her name tag this time—looks at me with a smirk as she repeats herself. “Are you okay? Your heart monitor was going off the charts. Are you feeling all right?”

  Still dumbfounded, I awkwardly say, “Umm, yeah. I’m fine. Stupid thing. Sorry about that, false alarm.”

  Doctor Washington shakes his head, which I presume means he’s annoyed.

  “Times up Mr. Roberts, she needs her vitals checked and this time…I need you to leave.”

  Jason looks down at me with a smirk. “I’ll be back, so you better not go anywhere.” He winks then leans down and presses his lips to my forehead.

  The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly again. Damn fucking thing is giving me away… I blush at the thought.

  He pulls away immediately this time and stands back to look at the monitor. “Shit! Is that from me?!” He asks panicked.

  I’m pretty sure my neck just became blushed as well. Fuck Me! How embarrassing.

  I obviously want him to leave me to my embarrassment, so I ask, “Didn’t Dr. Washington just say you had to go?”

  He rubs the back of his neck apologetically, “Right. Sorry. I’m gone. I’ll be back in an hour.”

  I follow his every move—more like his ass-- as he walks towards the door to make his exit. Still sexy…Damn, I’m in trouble.

  I lay my head back and sigh heavily.

  How in the hell did I get here with Jason? There are still so many unanswered questions. I need to know what’s happened or what’s happening between us. How can he act like almost four fucking years haven’t gone by without so much as a ‘hi’ from each other? I just don’t get it. What was he doing at Magda’s wedding…Oh my god! Magda…

  I raise my head from my pillow to look at my nurse. “Do you know if there is anyone else outside for me?” I ask Nurse Betty as Dr. Washington pokes and prods at my body.

  “No, ma’am. Mr. and Mrs. Micklow have gone home per Mr. Roberts’ request. They have been here since Saturday, when you were brought in.”

  I try sitting up astonished. “You mean everyone has been here for two days?”

  So that was Jesse I heard earlier when Jason was telling the doctor to take all the stuff off. He was trying to get him to leave the room.

  I smile because it gives me comfort knowing that my friends have been here for me.

  Then, I almost shed a tear, knowing that I ruined their wedding day and honeymoon. They were supposed to leave after the reception.

  I start to get sad but manage to keep the tears at bay.

  “Yes, ma’am. Your friends have been spending the night outside your room and Mr. Roberts has been sleeping on that couch you see there.” She says pointing to that ugly cream colored uncomfortable couch thing I saw earlier.

  “Ouch! What the fuc—“ I wince when I feel Dr. Washington grab my neck and move my head back and forth.

  “I’m sorry, Miss. Just making sure it’s not stiff.” He interrupts, giving me a stern look.

  I smile wide. “That’s what she said,” I say, proud that I could think to use it.

  He arches one of his eyebrows, “Are you hearing voices, Miss?” Damn. Not my target audience, I guess.

  I shake my head vigorously. Major fail.

  He continues with the exam, completely ignoring me, so I continue with Nurse Betty, “Has anyone else come by to see me?” I ask needing to make sure Zac hasn’t been by to try to finish killing me. Bastard.

  I still can’t believe that I’ve been so in denial about all the things that Zac has done to me.

  I was so stupid to think that he would never take it so far as to try and kill me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for his stupid ass trying to seriously get rid of me. Psycho!

  I mean, sure, we’ve both fought each other but I always thought we were even in some sick way. At least that’s what my mother always used to say whenever she wanted me to fight back “It makes us even, Bitch!” was what I heard my whole life. That’s why I fight back but I’ve never seen it as abuse. Man, I’m fucked up.

  “Only the police, ma’am. They want to take your statement…” She pauses, seemingly hesitant to finish.

  I nod my head for her to continue.

  “To see if you are going to press charges against Mr. Millington,” she adds as she fluffs my pillow.

  Charges? Jesus. That’s just going to make things worse. I just want a divorce, I want it over with. I can’t deal with him anymore. I have to get out from under him now before he tries killing me again.

  I shudder at the thought but maintain my composure in front of these two strangers.

  I give her my best fake smile. “Great, send them in whenever they are here next.”

  She doesn’t even try to hide the pity in her eyes. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Great. More pity. Just what I’m looking for…ugh!

  Chapter Twelve

  After an hour of having Dr. Washington do things to my body that no injured person should ever have to endure, they leave me alone with a morphine drip in case my pain gets any worse.

  I can see from the window that it’s dark out now.

  I’m lying here in silence except for the music playing softly on my iPod, thinking about everything that’s happened so far. It just feels like there are so many gaps in my life that I can’t fill because nothing’s turned out the way I wanted or expected.

  I hear ‘When I Look at You’ by Miley Cyrus start to play on my iPod dock player and I smile because I know that Magda set that up for me. She and Jason are the ones that know how much music lifts me up when I’m down.

  I close my eyes as I start picturing how things would have been so different if I would have just fought for Jason instead of letting him push me away. I think of how everything in my life now has never been what I wanted. Ever
since I met Jason, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with him…it’s always been him.

  The door opens and I quickly stop torturing myself with thoughts of what could have been.

  I turn to see who’s there and it’s none other than the cause of my heartache…Jason.

  “Hey, babe…you okay? Do you need anything?” He asks softly.

  I smile at his endearment because I haven’t heard it in so long. It’s almost cathartic to hear him call me that again. But I know that I won’t get to hear it for much longer so I don’t remind him that he can’t call me that.

  As I’m looking at him, all I want is to know why he’s here and what’s happened to him all this time. I just want the answers to questions I’ve had for so many years.

  “I’m fine. The only thing I need is for you to tell me once and for all what’s going on, Jason. Please, I think I deserve that.” I state, not beating around the bush.

  “Still a straight shooter, huh?” He says, walking over to me.

  I look at his every move and realize I have chance to redeem myself.

  “That’s what she said,” I smile proudly.

  He laughs giving me a kiss on my forehead. “You still got it, Angel.”Booyah!

  He pulls up the same chair from earlier and takes a seat.

  Looking around the room, he smirks and says, “Music is still making you feel better, I see.” He points his head towards the music player.

  “Always,” I say with a wink.

  His smile fades as he looks at the heart monitor and then at me, “You sure you’re okay?” He asks unsure.

  I give a frustrated sigh. “Yes. Come on, I made a Michael Scott joke…now please, don’t try to change the subject. It’s been too long…”

  He clears his throat. “True, but I wasn’t trying to change the subject—I just—never mind…all right, here goes…”