Love Me Always

by Marie Higgins

  Tenderly, he rubbed his finger across her knuckle. Soon, she moved her hands to hold his. He kept it this way for a few seconds without doing anything, and he felt the erratic beat of her heart pounded fiercely against his palm. Because of the dim lighting, he knew nobody below would be able to see them holding hands.

  Nick leaned closer and whispered in her ear, “I love you, Kitty.”

  She shook her head, but didn’t tear her eyes from the stage. “Nick, don’t say that now,” she whispered back.

  She turned her head and met his gaze. Her face was very near his, which made his heart quicken even more.

  “But it’s what I feel.”

  “No, Nick. We cannot talk this way.” She wrung her hand free from his and turned away, making it final.

  Under his breath, he grumbled. She loved him as much as he loved her. He knew it. Although, why hadn’t she said the actual words after he had confessed last night? Doubt snuck in his head, making him question her feelings for him.

  Closing his eyes, he prayed for strength and courage. His faith had been wavering lately, only because he didn’t think the Lord wanted him to be happy. Especially lately. Would the Lord grant him this one request – to have Catherine as his wife?

  But as the situation looked, that was utterly impossible.

  * * * *

  Nick stood against the wall with folded arms. On the dance floor, another man swept by with Catherine in his hold as they danced. As usual, guests crowded the ballroom. He noticed a few acquaintances and wanted to strike up conversation, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off Catherine long enough to understand what they were saying.

  Every time a different man came to claim her, Nick’s heart broke a little more. Yet he couldn’t look away. Feasting his eyes on Catherine fed life into his very soul; kept him wanting to make it to the next day just to see her beautiful smile. Jealousy ate at him like a slow-growing disease...Catherine’s love the only cure.

  Beside him, his uncle’s stare turned toward the dancing couples, and Nick wondered just how much Grant actually saw. The old man’s mouth turned up at the corners, his foot tapped in rhythm to the tune the orchestra played.

  “Uncle Grant, how are you faring this evening?”

  Grant met his gaze and smiled wider. “It’s been an exemplary evening. One of the best I’ve experienced in a very long time.”

  Nick clapped his hand on his uncle’s shoulder and squeezed. “I must admit, it’s been a while since I’ve noticed that twinkle in your eyes.”

  The older man chuckled. “Catherine has a way of making me feel young again.”

  Nick frowned. “Indeed, she does.” He glanced toward the middle of the dance floor again just to look upon her beauty. “I’ve also noticed she’s not the only person to make you feel different.”

  Grant arched his brow, his head cocked to one side. “Pardon me?”

  He leaned in closer to personalize their conversation. “Before Mary’s death, I noticed how the two of you looked at each other.”

  The duke gasped, his body stiffening. Even his jaw hardened. “Why do you say that?”

  “Don’t you think I check on you from time to time?”

  Grant straightened and folded his arms. “That is none of your concern.”

  “Uncle Grant, there’s no need to get snippy with me. I’m just worried about your welfare.”

  “That’s rubbish.” His uncle scowled. “I cannot believe I’m being lectured by my nephew.”

  Nick chuckled. “Where the two of you...being cozy with one another?”

  His uncle remained silent.

  “Mary was a very nice woman, I must admit. So I wouldn’t blame you for having different feelings for her.”

  Grant huffed and turned away, which made Nick chuckle again. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

  Over his shoulder, Grant threw him another scowl.

  “You don’t have to be embarrassed. The secret is out.”

  Grant spun around with his hands planted on his hips. “Enough. My feelings don’t matter in the least, especially now that she’s dead.”

  Nick nodded. He’d never seen his uncle so flustered before.

  Grant grasped his arm. “Now will you cease this insanity? I don’t wish to draw attention.”

  Nick sobered. “Forgive me. It’s...well, it’s a surprise to hear that you’ve had feelings for your nurse this whole time.”

  Grant shrugged. “There’s no use worrying about it now. I think Catherine suspected, too.”

  “I’m sorry that someone killed her.”

  Grant frowned as tears gathered. “I hope they catch the killer and hang him!”

  Nick patted his uncle’s shoulder. “They will. I’m certain of it. And I’m glad you finally confessed.”

  “Well, as long as my beautiful Catherine never finds out, I will not worry about it.”

  Although Nick kept his smile, his heart ached. This only meant one thing. With Mary out of the picture, his uncle still wanted to marry Catherine. All his humor disappeared and he leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. Once Catherine married his uncle, life would cease to exist.

  “What bothers you now, Nick?”

  He shrugged. “I’m still worried about your health.”

  “No need. I get stronger every day.”

  Nick studied his uncle. Why didn’t he believe him? If his health improved, then why didn’t his eyesight?

  “Uncle Grant? When are you planning on marrying Catherine?”

  The lines in the duke’s face relaxed. A gentle smile touched his mouth. “Soon, I hope. I told her not too long ago that I would announce our engagement, but things kept coming up and putting off the announcement.” He met Nick’s gaze. “Have you settled your mind about Catherine?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean – do you approve of my new wife yet? Not too long ago you were extremely vexed that I would choose such a young woman to have as my wife.”

  Nick took a deep breath and slowly released it. “I will say this...I do understand why you picked Catherine. She’s a delightful and charming woman and will make the perfect wife.”

  Leaning against the wall, Grant chuckled. “I thought you’d come to that conclusion sooner or later.”

  A knot formed in Nick’s throat and pain pierced his heart. “I still don’t understand why you want to marry your childhood friends’ daughter, though.” He voiced his opinion, whether it mattered or not. “Why not pick a more experienced woman? Maybe a widow?”

  “Because Henry Martin and I wanted to join our families together. This was the only way I could see doing it.”

  Nick fisted his hands. Why hadn’t his uncle wanted to arrange a marriage between Nick and Catherine instead? Then again, it was his duty as the one who would inherit the dukedom to marry a woman with lands and wealth…just as the oldest Fielding men had always done.

  Because of that, Catherine would never be his.

  * * * *

  Catherine walked out of the building and a gentle wind blew against her face, cooling her heated cheeks. She held onto Grant’s arm as Ian and Nick trailed behind. Gregg had stayed inside for some reason she didn’t remember. Thankfully the night was over. She’d danced too much, and she hoped exhaustion would finally take over her body so she could sleep.

  Up above, the sky rumbled. A storm would hit them tonight, she was sure. She loved the rain. As a young girl, her mother would bundle her on the couch and watch out the window as the rain splashed on the glass. Even to this day, she recalled the way her heart softened when her mother had whispered words of comfort. Because of that, Catherine had never been afraid of a storm.

  As she climbed in the coach, her heart lodged in her throat, knowing she must find the courage to have a serious discussion with Grant. Yet, knowing she wasn’t going to back down about their engagement made her body quake with uncertainty.

  Soon Miss Gertrude closed her eyes and within seconds soft snores came from her. T
he bumpy coach jilted Catherine against the side. She quickly righted herself and glanced at Grant across from her. The evening had been long, but enlightening. It thrilled her think society had accepted her. She only hoped they’d think that way once she broke off the engagement.

  However, Catherine’s happiness disappeared when Nick asked numerous women to dance, yet he didn’t ask her. The women had looked at him with adoring eyes. On a few occasions Catherine had been tempted separate them since they danced so well together. Instead, she bunched her hands into fists and hid them in the folds of her gown. Other times it hurt so much to look at them, she had left the room.

  She tried to tell herself this was best, but her heart told her something entirely different.

  A decision must be made regarding her feelings for him. Immediately. Her future – and frame of mind – depended on it.

  When a wheel of the vehicle ran across another rock, she bounced on the seat again. Grant’s gaze moved to her and he smiled.

  “Did you have an enjoyable evening, my dear?”

  “Yes. It was lovely.”

  “You were invited to many parties, were you not?”

  “I was, Grant. Your friends welcomed me into their group with open arms.” She frowned. “But...”

  Blindly, he reached for her hand then smiled when he grasped it. “I hear despair in your voice, Catherine. What is it?”

  The rhythm of her heart beat against her chest so hard she feared it matched the beat of a drum. She glanced at Gertrude who remained asleep, and Catherine hoped this was one of the times the older woman wouldn’t wake up.

  Lifting her chin Catherine squared her shoulder. “Grant, I think we really need to discuss our...impending marriage.”

  “What is it you’d like to talk about, my dear?”

  “I—I—I cannot feel right about our engagement.”

  His eyes widened and he sat back, his gaze stayed on her whether he really saw her or not.

  “Indeed?”

  “Yes, Grant. Even before I arrived at your home, I’d been having doubts, but my father pushed me to come to see if we suit.”

  His frowned. “And, you don’t feel as if we suit?”

  “No.” Her answer came out low.

  He folded his arms across his chest. “So do you expect me to call everything off and send you home?”

  His tone of voice sparked a touch of anger. Perhaps she’d spoken out of turn, but how else would he know her feelings?

  “Grant, I’m letting you know what’s in my heart. I have always looked at you as a Father figure. I will never be able to love you like a wife should when I still think of you in that way. I know my father will sign the betrothal papers if you have them drawn, which leaves me no choice but to marry you. You deserve better than me. You deserve a wife who will love you as her husband.”

  Silence lasted between them for several minutes. Even Aunt Gertrude’s snores seemed to soften to a mere whisper. Fear turned her throat dry and she bunched her hands into fists, praying he would free her from this engagement.

  He took a heavy breath and shook his head. “I’ve always wanted you to be part of my family, Catherine. Do you not wish the same?”

  “I—I don’t feel right about it. I love you, but not like a woman should love a man whose about to become her husband.”

  “Passionate love? You don’t feel this for me?”

  “Regretfully, no. I’m truly sorry, Grant.”

  He scrubbed his hand over his chin. “You do know most of the marriages are that way, right?”

  “Yes, but that’s not what I want.”

  He nodded. “You’re young and fanciful. You want a fairytale marriage.”

  She lowered her head. “Yes.”

  “And marrying a wealthy, titled man isn’t the fairytale most young girls your age dream about?”

  Squeezing her eyes closed, she took a deep breath. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Obviously, he wouldn’t give in. Unshed tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away.

  She focused on Grant. “I think of you as an uncle, and I have for several years. If you and my parents hadn’t been so close, it would have been different between us, I’m certain.”

  “So you want to call off the engagement? Is that what you’re saying?”

  She nodded. “I would, yes. Only because I know if we marry, we will never be truly happy.”

  “You are aware that you cannot call if off. The decision must come from your father.”

  She gnashed her teeth. Why did he have to remind her of that? And why was he set in his old-fashioned ways. “I’m aware of that.”

  Silence stretched in the coach, the only sounds were those from the road and Gertrude. Catherine’s heart pounded quicker, and her palms moistened. Uncertainty lodged in her throat, making it hard to swallow. The silence tortured her.

  After a few more quiet moments, she cleared her throat. “I’d thought...”

  “Yes?”

  “I, um, had thought that you might make me your ward, instead.”

  A grin stretched across his face. “My ward?”

  “My father rarely has time to spend in my proper upbringing, and since you are a trusted friend...”

  Chuckling, he shook his head. “My dear, Catherine. That suggestion is ridiculous. If you were my ward, it would be my responsibility to find you a wealthy husband. I’ve already done that for you, which is why the wedding is not going to be called off. Tomorrow for sure, I will make the announcement.”

  Her heart hit the pit of her stomach and crumbled. Obviously, he felt the same as her father. Was she the only person in this world who wanted love to come with marriage?

  Releasing a pent-up sigh, she scooted to the corner of the seat, focusing her gaze on the thick curtain hanging over the window. She grasped her cloak tighter and bit her bottom lip, hoping to stem the tears burning her eyes.

  “Catherine, dear. Your future may look dark now, but I promise, in time you’ll see that your father and I are doing what’s best for you.”

  “If you say so.”

  “I do.”

  Silence filled the coach again, and after a little while, Grant’s soft snores matched his sister’s. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she wiped them to keep from marking her cloak. Could she eventually feel passionate love for Grant? And if she did, would her memories of Nick disappear? She knew the answer immediately. No. Nick would always have a place in her heart.

  Taking a deep breath, she calmed her fears. She’d have to take it one day at a time. And the first step was to make certain Nick stayed out of her life...for good. That would be the only way she could go through with the marriage.

  When they arrived home, she hurried to her room. Emily waited to help her change, but Catherine shooed her away. She wasn’t ready to retire for bed. Not before she had a heart-to-heart talk with Nick. If she were to remove him from her mind – and heart – it would have to be done tonight.

  After another hour crept by, she left her room. With soft steps, she made her way to Nick’s quarters. She knocked and waited, but he didn’t answer the door. Cautiously, she opened the door and peeked inside.

  Empty.

  She sighed heavily and wandered through the house looking for him. Everyone had retired, it seemed. Before she gave up, she decided to search outside. She wrapped a simple cloak around her and hurried out the side door of the drawing room. Darkness had settled over the yard, limiting her vision. Not even stars were out tonight. The storm must be closer. Shadows danced around the house while a cool breeze drifted through the air.

  “Nick?” She didn’t dare call too loudly as to have someone else catch her. Explaining this to Mrs. Berkley wasn’t high on her list of things to do tonight.

  The grass softened her step as she made her way toward the gazebo. Many times she’d caught Nick sitting there, watching her as she and his brothers rode the estate.

  As she neared, his woodsy scent tickled her nose. A shadow of a man stood against
the rail. She stopped. Taking a deep breath, she reminded herself she must speak with him. Although they’d be alone in the dark once again, this had to be done.

  “Kitty, come here.”

  Her heart accelerated and her palms moistened. Squaring her shoulders, she moved toward the gazebo, trying to convince herself she must be brave...and mostly she must be in control. Although she couldn’t see every detail of his face, she knew his stare was on her. The tingles rushing through her testified of this.

  “You were looking for me, my dear Kitty.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nick held his breath as she came closer. It was all he could do not to take her in his arms and hold her close. He’d thought about her all evening...and now she was within reach.

  Finally, she stood in front of him, her body straight as a board. He wished there was more light by which to see her amazing eyes and her lovely smile. Yet he had them memorized; every line of her face had been branded in his memory.

  “Yes, Nick. I need to talk to you.”

  Her voice wavered, and his gut twisted, knowing she felt the same kind of pain that roared through him. He touched her arms and slowly pulled her into his embrace. Her hands rested on his chest as she looked up into his face.

  He grinned. “I have a few things I need to say to you as well.” He bent his head and captured her lips with his.

  She remained stiff, so he pulled broke the kiss. “Tonight when I saw you dance with those other men I went half mad with jealousy.”

  “You have no right...”

  “Ah, but convince my heart of that, my sweet.”

  Soon, her hands slid up and linked around his neck. “This is impossible. Our love cannot continue.”

  He smiled wide. “So you do love me?”

  “With all my heart.” Her voice broke. “But I cannot. There is nothing I can do to keep from marrying your uncle, which means you will have to stop loving me as well.”

  “I’m helpless to stop it. Whenever I see you, I must have you in my arms. I want to be the one holding and protecting you and making you happy.”

  She slid her hands back to his chest and pushed, tearing herself away. “Nick, no. We have to stop this. Now.”