I jumped off the stage, pausing briefly to glance over my shoulder.
Ernie knelt on the stage, cradling his bleeding stump. Bert looked undecided on what to do: Chase after me, or help Ernie. I hoped he would choose the latter.
“There’s nowhere to go, boy,” Karloff shouted after me.
“You know,” I said, running as quickly as I could, “with an attitude like that, you’ll never pick up chicks. Trust me; they can’t stand the negative type.”
“Kill them!”
“When in doubt, resort to loud threats,” I muttered. “Dani, dear, now would be a good time to wake up, considering we’re about to be chased by an angry horde of flying monkeys and monsters.”
“Wha-?” she muttered.
“Finally!” I exclaimed.
And then, the ground fell away from beneath my feet.
9
For the second time that day I pushed Dani off me and looked up.
It was a long drop. From where I lay it looked like I had stepped on some rotten pieces of wood.
“What happened?” Dani asked, sitting up. “And why do I look like I belong in some cheesy dinosaur movie?”
I got up and helped her to her feet. “Karloff needs to sacrifice you to activate the ruby, what they call the nebulous, so that he can unleash the dark forces of the Twilight dimensions and bring about the next apocalypse.”
“Wait a second, the next apocalypse?”
“That’s what I said. Apparently, the first one was the Big Bang.”
“And you learned all this, how?”
“A weird voice in the cage next to ours told me.”
Dani looked me, not saying anything for almost a minute.
“What?” I asked. “You don’t believe me?”
“Oh no, I believe you.”
“So why do you have that look on your face?”
“Well,” she said with a little smile, “you just saved me from being sacrificed to bring about the next apocalypse. It’s kind of romantic. You still mad at me?”
I held up a finger. “Yes. But let’s try to stay focused, okay? Now is really not the time for that sort of stuff. We’re trying to avert the next apocalypse here.” I looked around. "Now, where are we?"
It appeared to be a mostly dark room. There were a few stray beams of light that crisscrossed the room, but seemed to be coming from nowhere.
And there were a lot wooden crates. Out of curiosity, I popped one open.
It held guns. Big guns. Old, big guns.
I was in a Rambo wet dream.
I looked around at the other wooden crates. "It's a munitions bunker, I think."
"Here? Underground?" Dani asked dubiously. "We live on the coast."
I looked at Dani. "First off, we've been chased by dead people, grey monsters, weird hovering guys, and crazy short guys named Ernie, and you're having a hard time believing there's a munitions bunker here in Senior Citizensville? Second of all, we have no reason to believe we’re still in our hometown."
"Good point."
We walked around the bunker popping open various crates.
"Oh, look," Dani said after rummaging through a dark brown crate for a few seconds. She held up a handful of red sticks. They looked like dynamite. "Boom-booms!" She exclaimed with an uncomfortably large smile.
"You worry me," I said and turned back to the crates.
I picked out a few automatics and several extra clips of ammunition. These guns looked old, but they also looked to be in fairly good condition.
“Do you see any jackets or some other clothes?” She asked. “This savage girl look is very uncomfortable.”
I rummaged through a few more boxes and found a camouflage jacket. “Here,” I said, tossing it her.
She held it up and made a face. “Well, it’s kind of grunge-looking, but I guess it’ll do.”
I opened my mouth to make some sarcastic remark, but was immediately cut off by the erratic screeching of five flying monkeys that swooped down through the hole we had made.
I whipped up the gun I was holding and automatically started pulling the trigger.
Bullets flew everywhere.
And not a single one of them managed to hit any of the monkeys. Swell.
Dani looked at me in disbelief. “Who taught you how to shoot?”
“No one, I’m supposed to be a freaking pacifist!” I exclaimed while jumping to the side as a monkey swooped by, waving its sword.
The monkeys screeched loudly as they whizzed around us. Dani knocked one to the ground with a wooden board, caving in half its skull.
I dropped my automatic and opened a different crate. I was going to need something that didn’t require any finesse.
“Uh, Mike, feel free to join in here at any time!” Dani exclaimed.
I heard two gunshots and a painful screech.
“Gimme a second, sweetie. I’ll be right there.”
A monkey slammed its sword down in front of me, splitting the crate’s lid in half. The sucker looked mean and nasty. It bared its sharp fangs and gave me a fairly intimidating look. But that was okay. I had found what I was looking for.
I yanked the Uzi from the crate and pulled the trigger.
The monkey dropped dead, a purple liquid oozing out the multiple bullet holes.
“Oh yeah,” I said, gazing down at the gun appreciatively, “that’s what I’m talking about.”
I turned around in time to watch as Dani swung my dragon sword and lodged it deeply into the gut of one of the two remaining monkeys. Surprisingly, the thing didn’t die.
So I shot its head up with bullets.
The last monkey whipped around wildly.
Dani yanked the sword out of the dead monkey and swung it at the flying one. She missed its head, but cut off one of its wings. It slammed into the wall and staggered around bit on the ground. For a brief moment it just looked like a poor, helpless monkey, with half a wing set.
I looked at Dani. I think for an even briefer moment, she felt sorry for the creature, but the moment passed and she slid the sword down its center, splitting it in half.
Silence again engulfed the room.
“Well,” I said finally, “that was interesting.”
Dani looked at me, and then suddenly dropped the sword. She pushed me up against the wall; somehow we narrowly avoided tripping over the dead bodies of the monkeys and the open crates, and kissed me.
I mean, this was a full lip lock and French all the way. The feeling was indescribable. I'd kissed girls before, but nothing like this. Maybe it had something to do with the life-threatening situation we were in. Maybe it was the cave girl outfit. I don't know. But, damn, it was good! Imagine sticking your finger in an electrical socket and getting an immensely pleasurable shock.
Okay, so maybe that analogy was a little off.
Naturally, I returned the kiss, quite enthusiastically, I might add. We got so caught up in the heated moment of passion that I didn't notice the grey monster until it smashed the wall I was leaning against.
"Sonof-!" I exclaimed, regretfully tearing my lips away from hers.
I pushed Dani away and whipped around the Uzi. A hail of bullets later and Bert was howling in pain, which in of itself was pretty scary. More of the weird green ooze spurted out from the bullet holes.
I grabbed Dani's arm and we started running in the opposite direction, pausing only to grab the sword and whatever guns and ammo we could carry.
"Look, not that I'm complaining or anything, but could we try and keep our hormones in check until things have quieted down and we're not running for our lives?"
"Why? It's no fun then," she replied.
"Okay, you and I are going to need a chat sometime soon; provided we live."
“You still mad at me?”
I shrugged. Raising an eyebrow, I replied, “I don’t know. You plan on doing any more stupid things?”
She gave me a mischievous smile. “Want another kiss?”
“Uh, not right now,” I
replied. “I can’t believe this, we’re on the verge of being killed here, and you’re getting horny!"
The conversation was brought to an abrupt halt as we rounded a sharp corner and suddenly heard Mozart's Fortieth symphony echoing in the stone corridors.
Dani and I looked at each other.
"What in the world?"
Then I realized it was my cellphone.
I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out the small phone. "Hello?"
"Michael?"
"Mom?"
Then Thing 1 and Thing 2 crashed through the wall behind us.
"Michael, what's going on?" my mom asked. "What's all that noise?"
"Uh, nothing!"
Thing 1 and Thing 2 hissed and roared as Dani hit them with a barrage of firepower.
"Look, mom, now's really not a-"
"Oh my, what is that noise? Are those guns?"
I jumped, narrowly avoiding some flying stones.
"Everything's fine, mom! I'm just at a shooting range with Dani!"
"A shooting range? This early in the morning?"
"It's really the best time, no one else is here."
Dani dropped the now empty guns and retrieved two sticks of dynamite from her jacket. She wouldn't, would she?
Dani lit the sticks. Yeah, I guess she would.
"Run!"
Dani tossed the sticks and each of the Things swallowed one.
"Um, mom, I'm really gonna have to go."
Dani grabbed my arm, yanking me forward. "Must run faster, Michael, dear."
"Michael, was that Dani?"
Then the dynamite went off.
The explosion ripped through the corridors, shaking everything up. Bits and pieces of Thing 1 and Thing 2 flew everywhere, splattering all over us. Mostly it was icky and slimly bits and pieces. I was going to stink for days.
"Michael, what was that?"
I switched the phone to my other ear. It really didn't help much. They were both ringing pretty badly.
"Look, Mom, now is really not a good time-" I stopped abruptly, both talking and running. Ahead of us stood about a half dozen creatures, each one a different color, with a weird, round antenna thing coming out of their heads. They would have actually looked rather cute with their little white faces, if it wasn’t for the sharp weapons they were carrying and their beady, red eyes that just seemed to scream ‘evil.’ The fact that they all growled at us, showing off their deadly looking fangs, didn’t really help either.
"Oh, poop."
"Michael!" my mother exclaimed in horror.
I looked at Dani. She checked her pockets and then shook her head. “No more dynamite.”
I looked back at the antenna creatures. They had spread out, each one raising their weapon.
Okay, we needed a new plan.
"Um, Mom, I'll be right back, why don't you talk to Dani for a little while," I tossed the phone to Dani.
She caught it with an alarmed look. "What am I supposed to do?!" she hissed.
I shrugged. "Talk to her, keep her busy." I looked back at the antenna guys. “I’ll take care of them.”
Dani gave me a questioning look, but said into the phone, "Mrs. Cray! How are you doing?"
I loaded a fresh clip into the Uzi and pulled out a slightly bigger gun that I didn’t recognize. I made sure both were switched to rapid fire.
Behind me I heard Dani say, "I'm good….Yeah, everything's fine. Mike's good….Yes, my parents just had their anniversary. Twenty-one happy years together. So, how are you and Mr. Cray doing?”
In front of me, one of the antenna creatures, a yellow one, gave a loud squeaking noise and they all rushed forward.
I narrowed my eyes. “Arnold Schwarzenegger, eat your heart out.”
The last thing I heard before the sounds of shooting bullets and weird supernatural creatures being torn apart filled the corridor, was Dani saying, “Hanky panky? No, Michael and I aren’t sleeping together!”
Sleeping together? Oh, jeez, what was my mom saying?
I pulled the triggers and in a minute the antenna creatures were splattered all over the walls and my clothes.
I dropped the guns and spun around. Dani had a horrified look on her face. “No, I didn’t mean-”
I snatched the phone from her. "Mom," my voice was a little breathless, a leftover from the adrenaline rush of shooting up a half dozen freak-os.
"Michael? Are you okay? You don't sound so good. What are you doing? Were you partying late last night?"
Partying late? I wish. I wiped the sweat from my forehead. "No, Mom, I was not out partying."
"Oh," she said. But, like all mothers, she didn't sound very convinced. "Well. I was calling to make sure you're coming over for dinner tonight,"
I smacked my forehead. I had forgotten all about dinner.
"Remember your Aunt Sally and Uncle Joe are going to be there. Don't be late!"
"Right, Mom. I'll be there," I shut the phone off and looked at Dani. "We have to stop this whole apocalypse thing before five. I have to meet my parents for dinner."
“Sure thing. Make sure the other side knows we have a timetable. Speaking of unbelievable things, your mother scares me. I never want to talk to her again,” her face was pale. "She asked me if you and I were having sex. Then she asked how many men I had slept with."
I smiled. “Don’t get me into one of these messes again, and I’ll see what I can do to keep her away from you.”
Dani smiled back. “Deal.” She looked down the corridor at where the antenna creatures had been. “Now what?”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ruby. “As much as it kills me to say this, we can’t let Karloff get this ruby back. I mean, what kind of people would we be if we let somebody bring about the next apocalypse?”
Dani picked up the sword. “Can we destroy the ruby?
"“No,” said someone behind us.
Dani and I both turned sharply.
Karloff stood behind us, still looking as grandfatherly as possible, despite the fact that he was incredibly evil. “It’s indestructible. Tell you what, why don’t you give the ruby back, and I’ll let you both live. There are, after all, plenty of virgin females out there.”
“Oh? What about the next apocalypse and all that jazz?” I asked.
Karloff shrugged. “What about it? The ruby can be used for a multitude of purposes. One of which, is bringing about the next apocalypse. Which isn’t to say that’s what I want it for now.”
“Oh, really?” Dani said. “What do you want it for now?”
Karloff didn’t reply. He just glared at us.
“Well, I think we’ll just hang onto this for now,” I said, slipping the ruby back into my pocket.
“And what are you going to do with it? Where are you ever going to go? You have no idea where you are or what you've stumbled into.”
“I try not to let myself get bogged down with the little details,” I replied.
“Foolish children.”
I frowned. “You know, you should really work on your name calling. It’s kind of lacking.”
I quickly reached into the bag and pulled out a grenade. I swiftly popped the pin and lobbed it at Karloff.
He snatched it smoothly from midair and looked at it curiously.
“Oh, damn,” I turned and pushed Dani down the corridor. “Run!”
We sprinted down the corridor. A second later the grenade went flying past us. A second after that, the grenade exploded.
10
The explosion ripped through the corridor, blasting it to bits. Dani and I were knocked to ground and covered in pieces of stone.
“Ah, crap,” I muttered, getting up. My sides screamed in agony. I looked down at Dani. “You still alive?”
She rolled over. “Yeah. I hurt like hell, but I'm still alive. Not to complain or anything,” Dani said, “but if you happen to have any more grenades, could you watch where you throw them?”
I looked at Dani. “Don’t worry; I lost the
rest of them. Come on, let’s move.”
We slowly got to our feet and managed to find the sword and the Uzi. We stumbled through the smoke filled corridor for a few seconds before finding ourselves in a dimly lit room.
As the smoke cleared away we were able to better make out the details of the room. I looked behind us. The grenade had blown open the side of the corridor and we now found ourselves in a dome-shaped room with various inscriptions and paintings on the walls. One looked like a hot chick in a white dress, and another one looked like Karloff. After that the paintings got a little worn and illegible, but it looked like there was an explosion of some kind being portrayed. And then nothing. It was actually kind of depressing.
“Where are we?” Dani asked quietly.
“I’m not sure,” I replied. “But I think it’s some kind of, I don’t know, storytelling room?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of a prediction room,” Dani said, staring up at the impressive ceiling.
“Prediction room?”
“You know, some cultures have certain predictions or prophecies, stuff like the end of times, and so forth. Most of the time they’re chronicled in books or scrolls, but since we’re dealing with the supernatural here, who’s to say how they would chronicle their predictions?”
“Where in the world do you learn this stuff?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I have a T1 line and a lot of spare time at work.”
“Wikipedia doesn't count,” I rubbed my forehead tiredly. “Whatever, we have to keep moving.”
I pointed to a doorway across from us.
Dani and I stepped through the arched doorway and found ourselves surrounded by teddy bears. Lots and lots of teddy bears.
"We're in the Teddy Bear Museum?" Dani said, immediately recognizing it. I sympathized with the disbelief in her voice. This went beyond weird. I feared this might actually fall into the category of surreal insanity.
At least now we knew where we were. What we were going to do, however, was another question altogether.
I looked over my shoulder, but there was no sign of Karloff. That wasn’t a particularly comforting fact. Neither was the fact that doorway we walked through seemed to have disappeared. And so the freakiness continues…
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