Somewhere Only We Know

by Beverley Hollowed

  “Good I guess,” Kate replied with a sigh, keeping her eyes fixed on the picture of the tiny boats, hanging on the wall just behind the doctor’s chair. Seven tiny white boats in total. Kate stared at this picture every time she came for a session. She found it strangely calming.

  “Oh?” the doctor replied, her voice showing a trace of scepticism. “How are things between you and Callum?”

  “Oh you know,” Kate replied and shrugged, as memories of the night before flashed into her head once more and her heart tightened again. She needed to change the subject quickly. “I had the dream again last night.”

  “How long has it been now?” The doctor asked, watching Kate closely.

  “Almost three weeks,” she replied making eye contact for the first time. Dr. Jameson’s eyes were filled with kindness and pity. Kate looked away immediately.

  “Kate, have you talked to Callum about your dream?” she asked.

  “Callum and I don’t talk about anything,” Kate replied and instantly regretted her honesty.

  “And how does that make you feel?” she asked, obviously surprised by Kate’s sudden openness.

  “How do you think it makes me feel?” Kate snapped, suddenly filled with anger at the stupid question. “It kills me that I can’t talk to my husband, much less let him touch me. And he tries, Lord knows he has, but I can’t....I just feel...I...I don’t deserve his love.”

  Shit! Kate thought angrily. Why did I say that?

  “Kate, what happened with Emily was not your fault” Dr. Jameson replied, her voice soft and reassuring. “You do know that, right?”

  “Isn’t it?” Kate replied looking her in the eyes. “I was driving. I was angry. I mean if I hadn’t stormed out that day, we wouldn’t have been in the car. I should have gotten her out. The whole thing is my fault.”

  “Kate, the man that hit your car. He was three times over the legal limit,” she said, sitting forward in her chair and taking Kate’s hand. “There was nothing you could have done. You need to stop blaming yourself.”

  “I should have got her out of the car,” Kate repeated, as the memories of that day play out in her head again, as clearly as if it had been just the day before. The moment of panic, as the car left the road. The thunderous splash as the car hit the water. Emily calling out for Kate again and again. How she couldn’t reach her in the back seat. Then someone pulling her from the car and how she tried to fight them off to try to get back to Emily. Finally, how she couldn’t fight anymore and then the blackness.

  “Kate you tried, but she had climbed down on the floor of the car,” Dr. Jameson tried to reason with Kate. “When the guy who pulled you out of the car, got to the car, he couldn’t see Emily. You know this. This was not your fault”.

  “Then why does it feel like it is?” Kate replied in a whisper, as hot tears pooled in her eyes and then trickled down her face.

  “You need to forgive yourself Kate,” Dr. Jameson says softly, as she hands her some tissues.

  They sat in silence for a couple of moments. Kate knew Dr. Jameson was giving her a moment to compose herself.

  “Have you thought about my suggestion about getting out and trying to meet new people?” she finally asks.

  “I have made a friend,” Kate replied and told herself it wasn’t a total lie. She thought about Beth Rice and their quick conversation, as they rode in the elevator together.

  “Really?” Dr. Jameson raised her eyebrow and sounded very sceptical.

  “Yes!” Kate replied sharply annoyed that she didn’t believe her.

  “Well that’s good,” she replied and smiled. Kate nodded, but didn’t reply. And just like that her wall was back up.

  Twenty minutes later she stepped out into the midday sun. She quickly slid her sunglasses on, in the vague hope no one would notice the crazy woman with the puffy red eyes. She took a deep breath and headed for home. Her heart was heavy and her head full of all the crap she had so desperately wanted to forget about.

  Chapter 4

  When Kate reached the apartment, she headed straight to the bathroom. She stared at her now familiar botchy face and puffy eyes and sighed.

  Will this feeling every leave me? She wondered to herself.

  She filled the sink with tepid water, then splashed it on her face with the hopes it will help reduce the swelling around her eyes a little. Then, taking a towel from the bale on the sideboard in the bathroom, she gently dabbed her face. Then carefully reapplied her makeup.

  “Not perfect,” she sighed looking in the mirror one last time before she left the bathroom. “But it will have to do.”

  Kate made her way out to the kitchen. As she opened the fridge door, she spotted the photograph once again. Suddenly she didn’t really feel quite so hungry but she knew she should eat something. All she managed to have for breakfast was a cup of coffee.

  Kate stared into the fridge and thought about dinner. It had been almost a week since she had last cooked and living on takeaways is never a good idea. She found some chicken fillets in the freezer and decided to make her speciality, creamy chicken pasta bake.

  Kate grabbed a banana to do her for now and washed it down with a glass of milk.

  She went into Callum’s office and switched on the computer. She logged into her email. There were the usually reminders and special offers from several different department and online stores. Three from some online Medical Journals she subscribed to.

  There were also two emails from her two best friends, Olly and Leah, back in Ireland. She clicked on Leah’s first to open it.

  _____________________________________________________

  From: Leah Ryan

  To: Kate Greyson

  Subject: Hi

  Date: March 13 2014 10:21

  Hi Katie...how are you doing.

  I have been trying to call but there never seems to be anybody at home.

  Maybe you got a job.

  Call me.

  Leah x

  _____________________________________________________

  Kate felt guilty as she remembered all the times she had sat and listened, as the phone rang off the hook again and again, each time she didn’t answer it. She had known it was Olly or Leah calling, but she just couldn’t face answering it. She would always delete their messages so Callum wouldn’t know she was ignoring their calls.

  The second email was from Olly.

  ____________________________________________________

  From: Olivia Doyle

  To: Kate Greyson.

  Subject: What gives?????

  Date: March 15 2014 12:20

  Katherine Sarah Kelly Greyson

  Don’t think I don’t know that you are avoiding me!

  Olly thinks that you got a job, but I know that’s crap. I was talking to Callum.

  He didn’t sound great. He said you barely leave the apartment.

  Kate talk to me....please.

  Don’t make me get on a plane and go looking for you!!

  I love you

  You’re like my sister

  Please call me

  Olly x

  _____________________________________________________

  Kate wiped away the tears that were falling once again. When had she talked to Callum? Why didn’t he tell her? When did they stop talking completely? She needed to call Olly back. The last thing she needed was her arriving on her door step and sticking her nose in to her and Callum’s business. She loved Olly to bits, but she can be intense and that was the last thing they needed right now.

  Kate closed down her email and surfed the net for a while. She glanced down at her watch. It was already after five. Kate hadn’t realised how long she was on the computer. She switched off the laptop and spun the chair around to stand up. As she did, the back of the chair hit something that was on the shelf below the desk and it fell to the floor.

  She reached down and picked up what had fallen. It was a photo album. Slowly opening it, Kate’s heart almost stopped. It wa
s full with pictures of her. There were photos going back to the time she and Callum had first met, all the way through their years together. She flicked through the pictures, slowly remembering when and where each photo was taken. There were photos of Kate on her wedding day, some just after she gave birth to Emily, from holidays over the years, but every photo was of just Kate. Most of them were ones that were taken when she wasn’t even aware there was a camera pointed at her.

  What surprised Kate the most was some of the photos were recent, taken when she was asleep or lost in thought, sitting out on the balcony or in the apartment. Kate couldn’t help, but notice just how sad she looked in them. Even the ones where she was asleep, she had a look of pure and utter heartbreak on her face.

  That’s when Kate realised, this is how Callum saw her. He has seen the journey from the happy carefree young woman, to mother, to the ghost she had become. She realised just how much he missed what they once were, because she missed it too. More than she had even realised herself.

  “Oh Callum!” Kate sobbed softly closing the photo album and holding it to her chest. Suddenly, she had an overwhelming need to hold him.

  Then, as if on cue, Kate heard his keys in the front door of the apartment. Immediately she was on her feet. She quickly put the book down on the desk and hurried out of the office.

  Callum was taking his jacket off as Kate barrelled down the hallway and wrapped her arms around him. A look of complete and utter shock spreads across his face.

  “Katie,” he said the concern was very evident in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

  She just sobbed, unable to answer him and buried her face in his chest. He pulled her closer to him and stroked her hair, as he softly whispered.

  “It’s okay Katie,” he breathed against her ear. “I have you baby.” He gently kissed her head and she raised her face to his until their eyes met and for the first time in so long, there was a spark. An old familiar feeling growing deep down inside her. It was almost as if time was standing still.

  Callum leaned down and softly kissed the tears from her eyes. Then traces kisses from the side of her eyes to the corner of her mouth. When their mouths finally find each other, all the heartbreak and sadness of the past few months came pouring out of them both as they hungrily kissed each other.

  He pulled Kate tighter to him, as his kiss becomes more urgent, his hands travelled over her body. And for the first time in so long she returned his touch. Her hands slid up into his hair and grabbed him tightly pulling him closer to her, as she pushed her hips against his growing erection. He groaned as her body touched him.

  Slowly but surely they started to move and Kate knew he was leading her to their bedroom.

  I want this, she told herself again and again. As they burst through the bedroom door, they began to pull at each other’s clothes. Kate started opening the buttons on Callum’s shirt as he pulled at the waist band on his trousers.

  “Oh Katie,” he groaned breathlessly against her mouth as she pushed the shirt from his shoulders. She leaned down and kissed his firm chest as her hands slipped down to the waist band of his trousers. She slipped her hand inside the rim of his trousers and popped open his button.

  Callum made quick work of the buttons on her blouse before he pushed the blouse from her shoulders and the soft satin shimmered down her arms, billowing on to the floor. His mouth found Kate’s again.

  Slowly Callum began to move them backwards towards the bed, his mouth never leaving Kate’s, his kiss filled with hunger and need.

  When they reached the bed, he lowered Kate slowly onto it before he climbed over her. He bent down and kissed her belly button and slowly made his way up her body, gently pulling the lace bra from her breasts and kissing each breast before finally, he was face to face with Kate.

  “I love you so much Katie” he whispered as he softly kissed and sucked her earlobe before he made his way up along her jaw line and then to her mouth. But his words were like a cold, sharp knife through Kate. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. A fresh wave of grief washed over her and a heart-breaking sob escapes from deep inside her. She knew then she couldn’t do this anymore.

  “Stop,” she whispered softly, pulling her face from his. At first Callum didn’t seem to hear her. So she said it again, this time more forcefully. “Callum please STOP!”

  “What’s wrong?” he asked breathlessly, his eyes searching hers. “Katie, please.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. Unable to look him in the eye anymore, she pushed him off her. For a moment he didn’t budge, but reluctantly he began to move.

  “Jesus Christ, Kate,” Callum snapped angrily as he climbed up off the bed and fastened his trousers. “When are you going to stop this?”

  “Callum, I’m sorry,” Kate said, sitting up on the bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. She was surprised by his obvious anger. Not once in the last ten months had he ever lost his temper with her. But this time Kate could see he was really angry with her.

  “KATE, I AM SICK OF SORRY!” he shouted at her, making her jump with fright. He pushed his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. He sighed deeply and dropped down on to the bed next to her.

  For a moment he didn’t speak. He sat slumped over, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

  Finally, he lifted his head and turned to Kate.

  “I want my wife back,” he said looking at her, almost pleading with her. She just stared down at her fingers. “Kate, I know a shitty thing happened to us. We lost Emily.” His voice cracked. “And I know that sucks so badly. I know you are hurting, we both are. Sometimes I don’t think the hurt in my chest is ever going to fade. I miss her so much, I can barely breathe. But she is gone and she isn’t coming back.” he reached over and placed his hand on Kate’s. “Please, I can’t lose you too Katie.”

  Kate didn’t reply. She just didn’t know what to say. She wanted to tell him she was still Katie and that she loved him so much, her heart ached, but the words just wouldn’t come. His fingers stroked the back of her hand. Then he reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and let his finger softly stroke her cheek.

  “Talk to me Katie,” he whispered softly. “It’s been ten months. You can’t keep this all bottled up inside you.” He waited for a response, but none came. “Please.”

  Kate abruptly pulled away from him and climbed up off the bed. She grabbed her blouse from the floor and held it in front of her, covering herself. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “I can’t,” she finally said in a tiny voice. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She blinked quickly to try and stop them, but they broke free and trickled down her face.

  “FINE!” he shouted, as he jumped up from the bed, grabbed his shirt from the floor and stormed out of the room. Kate stood, motionless in the middle of their room and listened, as he hurried down the hallway of the apartment. She heard the hall door open and then it slammed shut. And just like that, he was gone.

  Kate walked to the bed and flopped down onto it, buried her face in her hands and begin to sob. She lay back on the bed, rolling onto her side and curled her legs up into a ball. She sobbed bitter tears into her pillow, letting go of all the grief she had been fighting to try and control all day. Eventually, when there were no more tears, she drifted into the blackness and gave herself up to a restless sleep.

  Chapter 5

  Kate woke with a start. She felt confused in the darkness of her room, unsure of what had woken her. She sat up in the bed and listened for a moment.

  Then a crash came from the hallway and Kate knew this was what had woken her up. She sat there in her bed and listened carefully, as her heart raced rapidly in her chest.

  “Son of a bitch.”

  Kate sighed a breath of relief when she recognised Callum’s voice. She could hear him mumble to himself and began to feel nervous when she realised that he appeared to be very drunk. She heard another thud followed by an angry ‘FUCK!’

&n
bsp; Kate climbed up off the bed and hesitantly made her way towards the bedroom door. Before she reached it, the door burst open and Callum stumbled into the room.

  “There’s my little kitty Kat,” he slurred, as he tried hard to focus on Kate while he swayed from side to side.

  “Callum,” Kate said stopping dead in her tracks. “You’re drunk.”

  “Ding, ding, ding,” he laughed, but it was more a sarcastic laugh than an amused one. “Give that woman a prize.”

  Kate could feel the panic rise inside her. She had never seen this side of Callum before. Sure, she had seen him drunk, but he was always charming and friendly when he was drunk. There was nothing friendly about the man that was now standing in front of her.

  “I will go make you some coffee,” Kate said, as she stepped around him and headed towards the door. As she passed him, he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. She yelped, as a pain shot up through her arm.

  “Katie,” he said, his face barely inches from hers. “Katie, I need you.”

  “Callum, let me go,” she pleaded and she struggled to break free from his hold. “You are hurting me.”

  “Katie, I can’t do this anymore,” he continued, still holding her tightly. He didn’t seem to hear what she had said. “I need to feel like you still want me, like you still need me. I need to feel.”

  “Callum, please,” Kate begged, as she began to cry.

  “Oh Katie,” he said, as he realised what he was doing. “Katie, I am so sorry.”

  She pulled back from him and clutched her wrist with her other hand. She took another step back from him before she allowed her eyes to meet his.

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Katie, I did something terrible.”

  Kate’s heart was now hammering so hard in her chest she thought it would burst free. Something in his eyes told her what he was about to say and she took another step back.

  “Katie, please,” Callum said and for the first time since the day he told her Emily was dead, Kate saw Callum cry. “I am so sorry, I just… I just wanted to feel wanted. Wanted for once, to feel like when I touched someone, they didn’t want to crawl out of their skin.”