by Amelia Stone
Phoebe frowned thoughtfully, watching me with dark blue eyes that were still bloodshot from unshed tears.
“You still love him,” she mused.
My cheeks heated again, but I made no answer. I wasn’t really sure what to say. My first instinct had been to deny it, but I couldn’t stomach the lie. It wasn’t just that I still loved Seth. The truth was that I’d never stopped loving him, not since the day I met him, not through the long years when I had little hope that he’d ever return my feelings – not even in those darkest days when I thought we’d be separated forever. I’d loved him every single day for twenty-three years.
It had always been him for me.
But I had no idea where he stood. Things had moved so quickly in the last three days that Sunday now felt like a hundred years ago. Was he telling the truth that night, or just telling me what I wanted to hear? Was this still nothing more than a game to him?
I didn’t know. And what was more, I didn’t know if I was brave enough to find out.
From behind her desk, Phoebe shook her head. “Well, he’s an idiot if he doesn’t love you, too.” She rolled her eyes skyward. “But then, men are basically all idiots. It’s practically in their DNA.”
I frowned. “I don’t know about that,” I hedged. Seemed unfair to lump an entire gender into one unflattering box.
She gave me a sad smile. “Oh, but I do.” Before I could ask her for an explanation, she stood. “And speaking of being an idiot, I need to go apologize to our sisters.”
I nodded, glad that my evil pan had worked.
“All my sisters,” she added, giving me a sad smile. “Can you forgive me for being a fucking turd?”
I pulled her into a hug. “Always.”
“Thanks.” She let out a frustrated sigh against my shoulder. “Probably won’t be that easy with the other two, though.” She sounded weary, and I couldn’t say I blamed her. She had a lot of groveling to do.
I stood too, following her out the door. “Pro tip: they’ve both been binging on Twizzlers this week, so a little bribery wouldn’t go amiss.” I snorted. “That should have been my first clue about Jess, actually.”
Phoebe sighed again. “Do we ever actually see the clues, though? Even when they’re right in front of our faces?”
“No.” I frowned, wondering again if she was ever going to tell me what was going on. “I guess not.”
But the conversation had given me a thought, and I glanced at the room as we exited her office. Nana was nowhere to be found, and I figured she was probably in the bathroom with the rest of our extended family.
“By the way, where is Jean-Marc?” I looked around, as though Phoebe’s husband would materialize out of one of those ugly, uncomfortable chairs.
Phoebe shrugged. “Probably still in the Paris flat, with his pregnant fiancée.”
I stumbled at her words, lurching into her and nearly knocking her over. What in Athena’s name was she talking about? Pregnant fiancée?
My eyes roamed her face, watching as she tried unsuccessfully to keep her expression casual. Her eyelids were batting at the tears again, and her chin was wobbling.
I shook my head, not understanding what was going on at all. Phoebe and Jean-Marc had been married for six years now, and they’d been together for almost ten. And they’d always seemed so happy. How long had he been cheating on her? And why? My sister was amazing, today’s uncharacteristic bitchiness notwithstanding. He’d be an – oh.
Yeah, I supposed she would know a thing or two about idiot men.
She turned to me, though her gaze was directed somewhere over my shoulder. “His lawyer served the papers last week.”
Then she turned her deep blue eyes back to me, and the staggering sadness in them made me reach out for her automatically. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed almost desperately, like she would crumble if she let go.
“Don’t tell them,” she whispered, and I didn’t have to ask who she meant. Mom, Jess, Lindsay – all of our family. She didn’t want anyone to know. “They’re going to ask where he is, and I don’t know what to say.” She took a shaky breath, her arms trembling as she continued to cling to me. “I’ll make something up. Just don’t say anything yet.”
I nodded, wishing I could do more for her than a promise of silence and a hug.
When she finally pulled back, she gave me a sad look. “They’re all idiots, Kris, even Seth. Don’t forget that. Don’t lose your head.”
And then she walked away, leaving me wondering what in Hades to think now.
I picked a spider out of my socks, trying not to scream as the creature wriggled and twisted, because our family-size tent was somehow too small to contain me, Jess, Jess’s wardrobe, the arachnid, and my panic.
“Just toss it out,” Jess said, not bothering to look up from the latest issue of Seventeen. “It probably came inside during the storm last night. Let it go back to its home.”
I frowned. “Do spiders even have homes?”
She shrugged. “Home, web, whatever. Just toss it out,” she repeated.
I shuddered as I glanced at the little guy dangling from between my metallic red nails. “I feel like I should squash it.”
Jess looked up at that, finally. “I think you’ve been reading too many Greek myths. Just because Athena hates spiders doesn’t mean you have to.”
“I know that.” I gave my baby sister a look. “But they’re so gross.”
“Gross, but useful. They keep the insect population in check. They’re very valuable to the forest ecosystem.”
I shook my head. “But it’s not in the forest,” I argued. “It’s in our tent.”
“Which is in the middle of the forest,” she drawled.
I let out a little frustrated growl as I unzipped the flap just enough to stick my hand out. “Gods, I hate camping.”
Then I tossed Peter Parker Junior to the wind, hoping, despite my disgust, that the little guy would make it back to its home/web/whatever.
When I turned back around, Jess was grinning. “I love it.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled. “Remind me again why I agreed to this?”
She chuckled. “Because it’s what Seth wanted for his birthday.”
Right. My best friend’s eighteenth birthday was today, and he had decided he wanted to spend it four hours from home, hiking, canoeing, and sleeping in the woods. And because he was apparently a sadist, he’d insisted on bringing a dozen of his closest friends along with him.
I was in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of people I didn’t like.
I was dying, obviously.
And that was before I even took into account my plan for the day, and the ‘present’ I planned to give my best friend for his birthday.
“And we both know you’ll follow Seth to the ends of the Earth,” Jess continued, oblivious to my neurotic inner monologue.
“What?” I froze, staring at her with wide eyes.
Her dark brows arched over the top of her magazine. “Yeah, I know. You have no idea what I’m talking about.” She shook her head, muttering something about idiots.
“Um.” I decided to ignore her, since I really didn’t want her to clarify her statement. “Well, I’m going to see if there’s anything for breakfast besides fish.”
I pulled on my now spider-free socks, slipping my Chucks on and digging around for my hoodie. It was only the first full week of May, and here in the Catskill Mountains of upstate New York, it was still chilly and foggy, more reminiscent of early spring than the balmy almost-summer weather our hometown of South Bay was currently enjoying.
Not that I was keeping score or anything.
“Okay, well, say hi to Seth for me. I’ll probably be at the lake with Jenny and Kelly in a little bit if you want to join us.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t really paying attention. My stomach was full of butterflies – or maybe spiders. Something was in there that shouldn’t be, making me feel both bloated and shriveled simultaneously. I took a d
eep, steadying breath, steeling my nerves for the day ahead.
When I was finally sure I wouldn’t puke, I grabbed Seth’s actual birthday present, stuffing it in my hoodie pocket. Then I crawled out of the tent and set off – without any further comment from my little sister, thankfully. I followed the short path from our tent to the common area, mindful of my breathing as I did. I needed to remain calm, because I had a whole speech planned out for when I encountered my best friend, and it would go a lot better if I could get through it without any wheezing.
But when I was a about a dozen feet away, a familiar voice reached my ears, and my feet stumbled to a halt as a fresh wave of nausea washed over me.
Like I wasn’t feeling off-kilter enough, between being woken up at the crack of dawn, being assaulted by nature at every turn, and being unable even to take a hot shower. Now I had to deal with Ward freaking Hopkins.
I was tempted to turn around right then and there and crawl back into my sleeping bag, or maybe even jump in the lake – anything to not have to face him. But then I realized I was hidden from view by a bend in the path and a huge ash tree. So I decided to wait, hoping he’d go away soon and leave me alone with Seth.
“So where’s your girlfriend?”
Ward sounded like a smug jerk this early in the morning – which was fitting, because he was one. Of all the people who’d come on this camping trip, he was one of the worst.
He was only saved the bottom spot because his girlfriend had also come along for the ride.
Lucky me. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with Melody freaking Reyes.
“Dude, come on.”
Seth’s reply sounded tired. So tired. Had he not slept last night? A rock had tried to leave a permanent indentation in my butt last night, even through the tent, the bedroll, and my sleeping bag. So I could empathize. Maybe he was-
“Krista is not my girlfriend.” His voice was scratchy, and more than a little testy. He sounded like he’d said this same thing a thousand times.
I pressed a hand to my stomach, because I was about ninety-four percent I was about to throw up.
This was probably not something I should be hearing.
No, not probably.
Definitely. This was definitely not something I should be hearing.
Oh gods.
But I couldn’t move, couldn’t turn away, couldn’t even breathe. I’d never heard Seth talk about me to other people, not when I wasn’t right there with him. Some macabre need to listen overtook me as I stood there, hidden from his view. My logical brain told me this would only end in tears, but that didn’t stop me.
Neither did the shame I felt at eavesdropping on a conversation clearly not meant for my ears. No, I stood rooted to the spot even as my stomach cramped again.
“You keep saying that,” Ward argued. “But yet, you keep spending all this time with her. Alone. Every time I want to hang out, you’re over at her house, doing God only knows what.”
Seth huffed loud enough to be heard over the crackling fire. “It’s not what you think,” he replied. “We’re just friends.”
“How many times do I have to say it?” Ward sounded even more smug than usual, which I didn’t think was possible. “Guys and girls cannot be friends. It just doesn’t work.”
“Says the guy who’s never even tried it.”
“Okay, first of all, why would I want to be friends with a girl? Like, what’s in it for me?”
“Gee, I don’t know.” I could practically hear the eye roll in Seth’s reply. “Making a meaningful connection with another person?”
“Are you trying to say our friendship isn’t meaningful?” Ward huffed.
“The most meaningful thing you’ve ever done in my presence is fart,” Seth quipped, and I smiled.
“Oh, and Krista never gets gassy?”
Seth grunted. “It’s not about that.”
“Then what is it about?”
It was quiet for a moment, and I strained my ears, hoping I wasn’t missing anything.
“It’s just… it’s different with her,” Seth finally replied. “I can’t explain it. She just gets me.”
A little balloon of hope blossomed within me at his words. Something in his tone of voice, in the way he’d hesitated, in the words he’d chosen, made me think my speech might actually be well received.
“No thanks,” Ward scoffed. “I prefer the good old wham bam thank you ma’am.”
Seth snorted. “Your girlfriend must be so satisfied.”
“Like I care.” Ward paused, and there was a scraping sound. “I mean, I make sure she gets off, or whatever. I’m not a fucking ape. But I don’t even want to spoon after we’re done, let alone talk about our hopes and dreams. Especially not with her.”
I frowned. I was no fan of Melody, that was for sure. But the way Ward spoke about her, as though she didn’t matter to him at all, made me almost feel sorry for her.
Almost. I mean, this was Melody we were talking about here.
“Well, not that this hasn’t been fun,” Seth drawled. “But I’m making breakfast here, so you can just see yourself out.”
“Looks like enough for two.”
“Yup, sure is.”
There was another scrape, and I figured it was probably the sound of a spatula against a cast iron pan. I could smell bacon in the air, and my stomach growled, despite the nausea that still hadn’t abated.
“So, enough for me and you, then?” Ward asked hopefully.
“Yeah, no.”
“Okay,” Ward grumbled. “I see how it is. It’s for you and your girlfriend.”
“For the last time: Krista and I are just friends.”
Friends. Gods, I was really starting to hate that word.
“If I wanted to be with her that way, I would, okay?” Seth continued. “So just fucking drop it.”
And there it was.
My eyes closed, and I let out a soft gasp, not even caring if anyone could hear.
The little balloon inside me burst all at once, like someone had stuck a pin in it, leaking all my precious hope into the dark, dank cavity of my chest, never to be seen again.
This wasn’t the first time I’d heard him say something like this. I knew, logically, that he didn’t want me, not the way I wanted him. He’d had plenty of opportunities to tell me if his feelings had changed, but he never had. In fact, he’d been pretty vocal about our friendship remaining strictly platonic.
But I’d hoped. I’d opened up Pandora’s box and let out all the horrible feelings inside me, all the fear and despair and resentment, letting them fester until I doubted whether anyone would ever want me, let alone him.
And yet, I’d held onto that little kernel of hope, feeding it with every tender smile, every casual touch, every joke that only the two of us understood. I’d let the wonderful boy that I’d fallen in love with give me hope that one day, he’d fall in love with the girl I was, that he’d think I was wonderful, too.
But hope was foolish. It was deceptive. It made you believe in the best in people, even when they showed you the worst. It made you see truth in possibilities, even when the limitations of cold, hard reality were laid before you. It made you give and give and give, made you offer up everything you had and then some, until you were nothing but a husk of yourself. And then it left you chained to a rock, suffering the cruel indignity of getting your liver pecked out for all of eternity.
In short, hope was for suckers. And I was no sucker. Not anymore.
Thirteen years I’d loved him. Thirteen years I’d waited for him. Thirteen years I’d yearned for him to open his beautiful dark eyes and just freaking see me already.
But he never would. I knew that now.
So my plan to tell him how I felt, to finally pour my heart out to him, dissolved right before my eyes. I’d spent weeks, months – years – building up the courage to be honest with him. And finally, today, on his eighteenth birthday, I had just enough of it to lay my soul bare to him.
But n
ot now. Not after this final, heart-shattering confirmation that nothing would ever come of my feelings. There was no way I could suffer the inevitable humiliation if I gave him this ‘gift.’ My carefully planned speech was forgotten, and the only thought in my head now was escape.
My eyelids fluttered, trying to dispel the moisture flooding them, and I pressed a hand to my stomach again to keep the bile from rising to my throat. I needed to leave right now, before I puked. Or worse, cried.
But before I could take a single step to retrace my path, a voice hissed in my ear, freezing me in place.
“Eavesdropping is rude.” Melody’s hand wrapped around my arm, and I winced as her long, pointy nails dug into the soft flesh above my elbow. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
I turned my head to meet her furious gaze. I wasn’t surprised that I hadn’t heard her coming up behind me, given the way my pulse had been roaring in my ears for the last few minutes. But I was confused by her sudden rage. What was she angry about? How long had she been standing there? How much of their conversation had she heard?
And oh gods. What was she going to do now?
“You were eavesdropping too,” I couldn’t help but point out in an angry whisper.
“I sure was.” Her eyes glittered wickedly as they zeroed in on my no-doubt glassy eyes. “Poor Krista,” she tutted. “Must be so hard to be constantly reminded that the boy you love is out of your reach.”
Better that than the boy I love not caring at all, I thought. But I kept that to myself. I wouldn’t stoop to her level, no matter how much she might deserve it.
“But it hardly seems fair that those poor boys don’t know they have an audience. We need to make ourselves known.” She yanked on my arm, pulling me out from behind the ash tree. “Maybe we should join them for breakfast.”
“No, we don’t need to-”
But before I could finish my sentence, she opened her mouth to cut me off.
“Oh, hey Krista,” she called out in an exaggerated fashion, even though she was right next to me. “Fancy meeting you here.”
She moved her hand, wrapping her arm around mine as though we were two friends taking a leisurely stroll through the woods. But in reality, the girl who’d appointed herself my nemesis had an iron grip on my arm as she all but dragged me toward the campfire.