by Amelia Stone
Seth was bent over a little grill, moving a spatula around in a pan, just as I thought he’d be. When he heard us coming, he turned and straightened to his full height – an entire foot taller than me. Then he gave me a smile I’d seen a million times.
His you’re-my-best-friend smile.
Little fault lines appeared in my heart at the sight of that smile – yet more proof that I would never be more to him than what we shared right now.
“Hey,” he said. “I was just going to come find you.” His eyes bounced from Melody to me, and a faint line appeared between his brows as his smile faded. “Everything okay here?”
“Of course,” Melody answered for me. “I was just walking along the path and I saw Krista looking all lost, like Little Red Riding Hood, only minus the basket of goodies.” She smiled innocently. “I figured I should help her out before she got eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.”
I frowned, wondering what her plan was here. She was laying it on awfully thick, and no one, not even the idiot who’d been duped into dating her, would believe her little act.
Also, if anyone was the Big Bad Wolf here, it was her.
“It’s a good thing you’re making breakfast. Krista was just saying how hungry she is.” She smiled evilly. “After all, she’s a growing girl.”
I wrenched my arm away. “Yes, thanks Melody. I’m good now,” I said quickly, hoping she would take the hint and go away.
But of course I had no such luck. See above re: suckers.
“Maybe you should have something besides bacon, though,” she said in a concerned tone that I knew was fake. My shoulders hunched as I waited for the inevitable punchline. “You don’t seem to be doing much growing.” Her eyes dropped to my waistline, which was concealed by my oversized hoodie. “At least, not vertically.”
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore Melody’s evil giggle. But I couldn’t. Not this time. My nerves were already raw, and I’d had just about all I could take of her inhumane torture.
I opened my eyes, then my mouth, intending to tell her exactly where she could stick her cruel, unfunny fat jokes. But before I could say anything, a deep, gravelly voice spoke for me.
“That’s enough.”
Seth was glaring at Melody, and her laughter quickly died.
“You don’t talk to her like that,” he growled. “God, what is wrong with you?”
Her mouth popped open in outrage. “Nothing is wrong with me. I’m just tired of this little-”
“Enough,” he repeated, cutting her off. “You know what? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t know why the fuck you’re even here.” He glared at Ward, whose cheeks flushed like he was embarrassed. “This trip was supposed to be for my birthday. I wanted a good time in the great outdoors with my friends.” He pinned Melody with a glare. “But you’re not my friend. So pack your shit up and go.”
“But we’re in the middle of nowhere!” she huffed. “Ward was my ride up here. How am I supposed to get home?”
“Don’t know.” Seth shrugged, his mouth set in a hard line. “Don’t care.”
“This is ridiculous!” She let out a frustrated growl, then kept right on arguing. I think she even stomped her foot. I tuned her out, though. I’d heard enough of Melody’s grating voice to last me a lifetime.
So instead, I watched Seth. He was standing in front of the grill, set apart from the drama unfolding before him. His arms were crossed over his chest and a severe frown was on his face, like he was trying to repel Melody with nothing but the power of a glare. And still I couldn’t help but admire him. His skin was dappled by the sun filtering through the trees, and his hair was scruffy and messy with sleep. He looked stern, and also rumpled, and just absolutely delicious.
An earsplitting whistle shocked me out of my thoughts. I blinked a couple of times, looking around the little clearing like I was seeing it for the first time. Ward pulled two fingers from his mouth, and I was glad to see the noise had quieted Melody’s histrionics.
“I’ll take you home,” he said. “Not really sure why I bothered to come, anyway.”
He shot me a resentful look as he walked over to Melody, and I wondered how he could possibly blame me for this – how he could blame me for anything that had ever happened with her. All I’d ever done to make her hate me was exist. I’d never provoked her, or antagonized her, or deliberately drawn her ire. Not now, not ever. I didn’t know what her problem with me was, but I knew it wasn’t my fault.
“Come on,” he muttered. “Let’s go.”
They each gave me a venomous look before they left, but I didn’t care. I actually breathed a sigh of relief as they disappeared from my view. This long weekend in the woods would probably still suck, but at least I wouldn’t be stuck with my two least favorite people in the world. It was already bad enough I was forced to pick spiders out of my underwear.
“Well, that’s better,” Seth said. He tilted his head, giving me a sideways smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back. “No more Melody or Ward to annoy us, eh?”
I snorted. “At least until we get back home. We still have another six weeks with them until we graduate.”
He groaned softly. “True.”
“I’m not even sure why you invited him, though.”
He shrugged. “Because he’s my friend.”
I frowned. “Yeah, but why?” He frowned like he didn’t understand, and I hurried to clarify. “After what happened with… you know, at the Spring Fling.” I looked away for a moment. “Why would you still want to be friends with him after that?”
It was something that had bothered me for years now, and no matter how many times I asked him about it, I was never satisfied by the answers.
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, like he was struggling with what to say.
“He was sorry,” he eventually said. “He apologized, and I forgave him.”
I huffed, my breath fogging in the chill morning air. Apparently I was never going to get the truth from him on that.
“He never apologized to me.”
He gave me a smile, but it looked uncomfortable.
“Well, maybe he will, one day. I dunno.”
I made no answer, because I was too irritated to trust myself to speak. I watched as he slid an oven mitt over his hand, then picked up the pan from the fire.
“Anyway, let’s forget about it for now. We have bacon and eggs, and a whole picnic table to ourselves.” He gestured to the rickety table a few feet away, where he’d already set up plates, cups, and plastic utensils. There was a bottle of orange juice and some fruit waiting, too. “It’s the little victories, you know?”
I looked up at him. “The little victories?”
“That’s my motto.” He smiled. “Celebrate the little victories in life.”
I huffed a laugh. “Sounds hokey.”
He carried the food over to the table. “Maybe. But it works.” He waved a hand, beckoning me to join him. “Helps me focus on the positive, like this delicious breakfast.”
I hesitated for a moment, watching as he dished out bacon and eggs onto two plates. He poured a glass of juice for each us, then grabbed a bunch of grapes and a plum, dropping them onto his own plate. He even unearthed a Diet Coke from somewhere, popping the top before putting it next to my place setting. Then he sat.
“You coming?” he asked, smiling up at me.
I took a slow, deep breath. Then I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”
His smile fell. “Aw, don’t let all that shit ruin your appetite.” He waved his fork in the direction Ward and Melody had just gone. “Forget them. Come and eat with me.”
I frowned. “It’s just, I didn’t sleep well, and Jess said she’d be gone all morning, so I was maybe going to nap.”
“Come on, Krista.” He smiled again, looking up at me with soft brown eyes. “Please?”
Gods. I’d never been able to say no to him, not since the day I’d met him. He’d flash that beautiful smile and turn those fathomless eyes
on me, and I’d lose all my resolve.
So I took those last few steps to the picnic table, sinking onto the bench with a sigh.
“Where did you get bacon and eggs?” I asked as I picked up my fork.
He grinned. “At the Stop and Shop on Collins.”
“You brought food all the way up here?”
“Yup.” He took a sip of his juice. “I just kept everything in a cooler. Had to get creative last night to make sure bears wouldn’t get at the food, but it was worth it to have a good breakfast on my birthday.”
The blood drained from my face. “Bears?”
He chuckled. “You really don’t like camping, huh?”
“See above re: bears,” I retorted.
His head tipped back in a laugh. “Well, don’t worry. I’ll protect you from the bears. And lions and tigers.” He wiggled his eyebrows comically.
“Oh my,” I drawled.
I watched as he shoveled his food into his mouth at his usual breakneck speed, but I merely moved my food around on my plate. I really wasn’t hungry, and not just because Melody had done her best to ruin my morning.
How could I keep doing this? How could I sit across a table from him and share a meal, sit next to him and play a video game, stretch out on the floor beside him and listen to music? How could I banter and laugh and do all the things we’d always done together, knowing he’d never love me the way I wanted him to?
I couldn’t. It was killing me, slowly but surely. With a sudden burst of clarity, I knew I had to cut myself off before there was nothing left of my sanity – or of my heart.
“So listen,” he said, oblivious to my tortured thoughts. “I looked up flights from Nashville to Boston, and they weren’t too bad. I was thinking maybe I could fly up there a couple days before Thanksgiving, since we get a longer fall break than you do. You could show me around the city, we’ll do the cheesy tourist thing, maybe see a show or something. And then we could drive home together Thursday morning.” He smiled at me. “What do you think?”
I closed my eyes. I thought it sounded wonderful, and also like absolute torture.
Hope was deceptive. For thirteen years, it had made me believe that I could put up with being Seth’s best friend, with being so close, yet so far away. Because one day, he would realize that he loved me as more than just a friend. One day he would close the gap, and we would be as close as two people could be.
But now that hope was gone.
And I couldn’t keep the charade going anymore. I couldn’t keep playing this game when I’d already lost.
“Um.” I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t quite meet his eye, so I stared at his left ear instead. “I don’t think I can.”
I could see his frown from the corner of my eye. “Why not? I mean, it’s just a couple of days. I wouldn’t get in the way of your classes or anything. I could stay in a cheap hotel somewhere.”
I shook my head. “It’s just, Lindsay’s going to have a baby.”
“No shit?” I nodded, and he smiled. “That’s awesome! Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” I took another slow, deliberate breath. “But I think she’s due around Thanksgiving. So my mom will probably want to spend the weekend in Tarrytown, you know, so she can be close in case Lindsay goes into labor.”
He nodded slowly. “Okay. Well, we can still have the whole winter break,” he replied. “It’ll suck not to see each other before then, but we can still IM and text and stuff. And I can probably fly into Boston still. The flight will be more expensive because of the holiday, but I’ll make it work somehow.”
I looked down at my nails, noticing that the polish was chipped already. I’d have to redo them when I got home.
“I’m actually going to take a couple classes over the winter,” I said.
I lifted my eyes again, staring at his ear. He hadn’t shaved this morning, and his stubble was stark against his cheek. I wondered what it would feel like if I reached out and touched it with my fingertips.
I blinked. No. I would not think about things like that. Not anymore.
He frowned. “You can’t take the winter off?”
“No.” I knew I sounded snotty, but I couldn’t help it. “It’s MIT, Seth.”
And maybe that was for the best, anyway. This would be a lot easier if he ended up hating me.
“Everyone there is just as smart or smarter than me,” I added. “I’ll actually have to put in some effort to keep up.”
He scowled. “Yeah, I get it. You won’t be the genius in a school full of dummies anymore.”
I bit my lip, because I knew I’d hit a sore spot. Seth was so smart in so many ways, but he’d always struggled in school – and he’d been sensitive about it for as long as I’d known him. It killed me that I was playing on those insecurities now.
But no one knew him better than me. And that meant no one knew how to hurt him better than me.
His jaw tensed. “Well, we’re not starting school until August, so we’ll still have the summer, right?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m doing that immersion program over the summer.”
I swallowed, feeling nauseated at the semi-lie. I hadn’t been sure about the program, not until that moment. I’d gotten the acceptance months ago, at the same time the fat envelope from MIT had arrived in my mailbox. But even as recently as a few days ago, I’d been hesitant to go, because it would take up almost the entire summer. I hadn’t wanted to be separated from Seth any longer than I had to.
But now the decision seemed like a no-brainer. The program would give me a ready excuse to distance myself from him – not to mention a built-in distraction from my soon-to-be broken heart.
“I mean, I get four credits out of it. Plus the program director said a lot of people get internships from the contacts they make, so I just don’t think I can pass that up.”
He frowned. “There’ll be other opportunities, though. You said yourself that you didn’t think this summer thing was necessary.”
“But I don’t want to fall behind. You know I want to be a game developer, and it’s essential that I make these contacts if I want to get a good job. This is the most important thing to me.”
His upper lip curled. “Yeah, I get it,” he repeated. “But you’re making it sound like it’s the only thing that’s important to you.”
“Well, kinda,” I replied, trying not to let the lie show on my face. “I mean, school is going to take all my time for the next few years. And then when I get a job I’ll be working a lot of hours, since I’ll be at the bottom of the totem pole, and-”
“Stop dicking around,” he growled, cutting me off. “Just spit it out.”
I frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Really?” He dipped his head, capturing my eyes whether I wanted to look at him or not. Those beautiful dark orbs of his glittered with anger as he glared at me. “Because it seems to me like you’re blowing me off.”
My knees started to wobble, and I had to stick my hands under the table and press them to my legs to keep from rattling the table.
“Um.” I took a deep breath. “You know, I just don’t really think I’m going to have time for this.”
“This?”
His deep voice was a menacing growl, and I would have been frightened to hear it from anyone else. But from him, the anger merely rumbled along the little fault lines running through my heart, and I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep my ribs from cracking open.
“What the fuck do you mean by ‘this?’” he demanded.
I swallowed another ‘um.’ I needed to be sure, and convincing, and strong. I needed to be all the things I wasn’t normally.
“You and me,” I said, as firmly as I could when my whole body was shaking. “I won’t have time for this friendship anymore.”
“Bullshit,” he spat. “I have known you almost all my life, Krista. We have never, ever had to ‘make time for each other.’” He stabbed the air, curling his fingers into quote marks. “W
e’re just friends. It’s not fucking hard.”
Yeah. I knew we were ‘just’ friends. That was the whole problem.
“Well, I don’t want to do it anymore.”
He froze. “You don’t want to do what?” He spoke slowly, like he was giving me plenty of time to contradict him, to tell him that he’d misunderstood.
But I couldn’t tell him that. He hadn’t misunderstood me. I’d said exactly what I meant to say – even if it wasn’t the truth.
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” I told him, putting all my willpower into keeping my voice from shaking. “I don’t want to make time for you.”
His head snapped back like he’d been slapped. “What the fuck?”
I bit my lip to keep it from wobbling. My eyelids were working overtime, and I prayed he wouldn’t realize how close I was to losing it. I needed to sell this, or I’d be doomed to a lifetime of almost.
“I don’t want to be your friend, Seth. I’m going to college. I’m starting a new life in a new city, and I don’t want you holding me back.”
“Holding you back.” He looked away, swallowing roughly. “You think I’m holding you back?”
“Well, not now, but you will be.”
He nodded slowly. “Gee, I’m sorry to be such a burden on you. And here I thought I was your best friend.”
Gods, he was. He was the best friend I’d ever had, the best I would ever have. No one would ever be him.
But that was all he’d ever be: a friend. I needed to remind myself of that, needed to remember why I was doing this. He could never give me more than friendship. He could never give me what I needed.
“You’ll be fine,” I assured him, and at least this time I could say something with conviction. He would have no trouble finding happiness again.
“I mean, you’ll still have baseball, and all your teammates and stuff. You’re going to make so many new friends at Vanderbilt. You won’t even miss me.”
He chuckled, but it was humorless. “Right. Yeah. I definitely won’t miss you.”