Holiday with a Stranger

by Christy McKellen

* * *

  As they lay recovering, their bodies pressed closely together on the sofa, Josie was horrified to find her throat tight from trying to suppress a deep sob from escaping. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and her stomach clenched in pain.

  No, no, no.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was supposed to be fun, emotion-free sex to get her mojo back. A treat.

  He’d been angry with her for asking about continuing this fling when she’d promised she wouldn’t, and that had been unemotional I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-this sex. A way of telling her to back off without actually saying it.

  ‘I’m going for a shower,’ she managed to mutter through a painfully constricted throat, extracting herself from Connor’s heavy limbs and readjusting her skirt to at least partly cover herself.

  Her movements were jerky and uncoordinated and her hands shook as she flattened her hair against her head. She didn’t look at him and left the room before he had a chance to comment on how strung out she was.

  By the time she’d finished showering she felt almost normal again.

  Almost.

  She had to pull herself together. She couldn’t go back to work in a worse state than when she’d left—how could she ever explain that to Abi? It was bad enough that she’d had sex with her friend’s brother; she definitely couldn’t take her emotional distress back to impact on her already shaky relationship with the staff. This was exactly why she shouldn’t have let anything develop with him.

  It was time to think about leaving.

  If she didn’t go now she’d never make it out with her heart intact.

  Going into the bedroom, she found Connor dressing in jeans and a soft black cotton T-shirt that stretched across his massive shoulders and hugged the contoured muscles of his arms. Her heart lurched at the sight. God, she was going to miss his amazing body.

  ‘What is it?’ His voice was gruff.

  Josie took a breath. Why was she so nervous about saying it? She was sure it would mean nothing to him if she left. In fact he’d probably be pleased to have his solitude back.

  ‘I have to get back to London. I can’t leave Abi to handle everything any longer. She must be run ragged by now.’

  Connor just looked at her, his expression unreadable. He nodded. ‘Right.’ His hands were clenching and unclenching at his sides. He looked away, through the window at the darkening night sky.

  ‘You can have your house back.’

  ‘Great.’

  Ask me not to go, she begged him silently. She needed to know this had meant something to him, that she wasn’t just some diversion. Not that she had any right to expect that. She’d been using him too, hadn’t she?

  Connor turned to face her. She stood there rigidly, not sure what to do or say next. He walked towards her and she tensed in anticipation. Stopping directly in front of her, he placed a finger under her chin and tipped it up so her gaze met his.

  ‘Is that really why you’re leaving?’

  ‘You know it’s not.’

  ‘Then don’t go.’

  Connor’s demand both pleased and shocked her. She looked at him in disbelief, excitement bubbling in her stomach. ‘What are you asking me?’

  ‘Stay here with me for one more week. It’s my birthday next Saturday. Help me celebrate.’

  Her heart sank. He only wanted a few more days. Nothing more. ‘I didn’t think you’d be the type to celebrate birthdays.’

  ‘I’m not usually.’

  She looked away from him, barely holding it together. ‘I can’t. My sister’s up for a Best Presenter award that weekend and I promised to go and support her.’

  She’d had no intention of actually going when Maddie had asked her—she found those things excruciating to sit through on her own, being ignored while people fawned over her sister—but after talking to Connor about her it somehow seemed to matter less now. The tight ball of angst she carried round with her had shrunk to a manageable size. And it was as good an excuse as any.

  Connor let his hand drop.

  ‘Okay, well, have fun and don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out,’ he said.

  There wasn’t a flicker of emotion on his face.

  How could he behave so flippantly about this?

  Because he didn’t care enough.

  A surge of anger exploded in her chest. ‘I live in the real world, Connor. I face things head-on, even if it’s tough.’

  He stared at her, his expression darkening. ‘How did this conversation get turned around on me?’

  She let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Perhaps it’s your guilty conscience making the leap?’

  ‘Josie, go home if that’s what you want.’

  He sounded totally unconcerned.

  The pain of his rejection burned in her chest. ‘So that’s it for us? You’re cutting me out of your life because I won’t bend to your will? I’m just another project you’ve completed?’

  He gave her such a condescending look she wanted to prod him hard, just to get some sort of emotional reaction. Instead she did something much worse.

  ‘Come with me to the awards ceremony,’ she blurted, her heart pounding so fast she thought she might pass out.

  He looked incredulous. ‘And do what?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She flapped her hands in the air in exasperation. ‘Just be.’

  ‘You want me to make nice with your family? Shove me under their noses to win some attention away from your sister?’

  ‘No,’ she said, gritting her teeth. But she did. She wanted that, and more. Much more.

  He sighed and rubbed a hand forcefully back and forth through his hair. ‘Then what do you want from me?’

  ‘I don’t know. Nothing.’

  I want you to want to keep exploring whatever the hell this thing is between us. Come to London.

  But she knew she couldn’t ask that of him. He’d never do it in a million years.

  He took a step backwards, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. ‘I can’t offer long-term commitment, Josie. I’m not interested in that. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m always on the move. That’s what went wrong with my other relationships—I couldn’t give them the attention they needed. Anyway, I can’t be with someone who puts her job before me.’

  ‘That’s your reasoning? That your past relationships didn’t work so this one won’t either?’

  He shrugged. ‘I’m a realist.’

  She snorted. ‘What would you know about realism? When have you ever had to stick your neck out to make a go of something? You have no idea what it’s like to fight for something. You’ve had everything given to you on a plate. You’ll never have to wake up in the morning and wonder whether you still have a business to go to. You’ve got so much money you can afford to give it away, so please don’t lecture me about how to live my life. You do whatever the hell you want, when you want, and then just up and leave when things get too hard to handle. You’re mad because I’m beating you to the punch this time.’

  She could see tension working the muscles in his shoulders, and as he turned to face her his jaw was clamped in anger.

  ‘You’re right. You should go. It sounds like this relationship’s walked into a brick wall.’

  ‘I didn’t think this was a relationship.’

  He gave her a cold smile. ‘It’s not.’

  Josie felt sick. Where had the compassionate man she’d begun to unearth gone? How could he be so callous after all they’d shared?

  She fought to keep her voice under control, but the pain that his words provoked was nearly blinding her. ‘I thought there was more to you than this. That the loner persona was a front. But it’s not, is it? You’ll always be one hundred per cent for yourself. One day you’ll need to stop and face wh
at’s chasing you away. Be a man.’

  She knew it was a low blow, but if he was going to play dirty so was she.

  Grabbing her case, she piled her stuff into it willy-nilly and forced it shut. Tears threatened to spill out, but she held them back. There was no way she was showing Connor how much this had hurt her.

  He stood with his back to her, looking out of the window. He didn’t say a thing.

  Humiliation crashed in on her. She meant nothing to him. Less than nothing.

  Dragging the case out to the front of the house, she slammed the door behind her and flopped down on the front step, staring fiercely out across the gold and purple fields that surrounded her. Their association with Connor now marred what should have been a beautiful sight.

  On autopilot, she called the hotel next to the airport and booked a room, then got herself onto the next flight out to London in the morning. She completed each step without emotion, refusing to let herself acknowledge the heavy drag of sadness in her limbs.

  Ten minutes later the door to the farmhouse was still resolutely shut. He wasn’t coming out to stop her. He’d never change his mind.

  It was time to go home.

  * * *

  After Josie drove away Connor sat brooding in the kitchen.

  He was furious—angrier than he ever remembered being in his life. Who did she think she was, barging into his life and making judgements on him? They barely knew each other, yet she’d managed to pull him apart with just a few choice words.

  He shouldn’t have asked her to stay.

  He wasn’t sure why he had.

  She’d got under his skin, that was why.

  This realisation made him even more furious with her and, more crucially, with himself. He hated how out of control he felt, how panicky; it was something he tried to avoid at all costs. It was a slippery slope.

  Once he gave himself to something he found it very difficult to give it up. Like his travelling. It had become part of him now, and the thought of being stationed somewhere for any length of time made him uncomfortable. This restlessness was in his blood. He couldn’t let Josie get the same hold on him. Once there, she would be there forever, haunting him.

  To his utter frustration he could still smell her on him, taste her in his mouth, feel her under his fingertips. He hadn’t been ready to say goodbye to her so soon and he felt jarred and uneasy.

  On reflection, it was probably a good thing she was gone. It was time he went too. He’d already extended his stay here far longer than he’d planned. He needed to get back to the project, back where life was simple and free from emotional complications, or he would regret it—and God knew he didn’t need any more regrets.

  NINE

  London was such a crazy, intense whirl of noise and lights after the peace of the French countryside that Josie’s head throbbed when she finally made it home to Greenwich.

  Walking into her apartment was like stepping back into the past. The air was stale and fusty from being sealed inside for the past couple of weeks and the atmosphere was cold and soulless compared to the warm comfort of the farmhouse.

  She spent a while wandering around it in a spaced-out state, mentally changing the furniture and the decor so it would feel more homely. She needed to put some pictures on the walls and introduce a bit of colour to the place. Focusing on something simple like that helped distract her racing thoughts from what she’d left behind in France, at least in the short term.

  It occurred to her that she spent so little time at home her surroundings had never really intruded on her consciousness before. They were just the background to her life. Now they seemed more important than that. She needed to be reflected in her own home. There was nothing there at the moment that was intrinsically ‘her.’ The place had no personality.

  Was that what had happened to her? she wondered with a shock. Was she actually as bland as her apartment? The thought terrified her. Perhaps that was why Connor had seemed so comfortable with letting her go. She’d just been a warm body in the right place at the right time for him.

  The muscles in her throat squeezed so hard as she tried to stop the tears that it actually hurt. Flopping down onto the sofa, she put her head in her hands and tried to will her locked jaw to relax.

  At least that proved she’d been right to go. She couldn’t allow herself to care about someone who treated her with such easy indifference.

  Pulling her knees up to her chin, she wrapped her arms around her legs, curling herself into a tight ball. She shouldn’t have let herself get sucked into the excitement of a crazy fling, she knew that now, but it had been like a dream. It was as if someone else had taken her over, making her do things she would never usually do.

  Worst. Mistake. Ever.

  But she was damned if she was going to regret it. It had happened and it was best to fold it away into the cupboard of her mind and move on.

  The most frustrating thing was that she was in much better shape to make a relationship work now she’d made some life-changing decisions about how to fix what had gone wrong before. She’d been floundering before she’d met Connor, focusing on the wrong things entirely and missing out on the simple joys of life—like laughing and cooking and playing and having spectacular sex. He’d brought the happiness back into her life for a few tantalising days, then shut the door in her face.

  Suddenly the thought of forgetting Connor was too much to deal with, so she got up and distracted herself by playing her piano, hammering away on the keys with her headphones plugged into the keyboard so as not to disturb the neighbours until all the passion and angst drained out of her.

  * * *

  The following morning Josie woke up groggy from too little sleep. Her head had spun with thoughts of Connor and what might have been until the early hours, making her twitchy and tense, until she’d finally dropped off into a troubled sleep just as the sun made an appearance through the chink in her curtains.

  Dragging herself out of bed, she had a speedy shower and dressed in one of her work suits.

  Shrugging on her jacket, she took one last fleeting look in the mirror.

  Not good.

  Her eyes were puffy, as if she hadn’t slept for a week, and her skin looked sallow beneath her tan.

  So this is what unhappiness looks like.

  * * *

  There was a subdued atmosphere hanging amongst the smattering of colleagues who were already diligently working away at their desks when she arrived at work.

  A few people glanced up as she passed them, the expressions on their faces ranging from wary to downright hostile. Jeez, she had a lot of making up to do here.

  Abigail was already sitting at her desk, madly typing away on her computer. Josie couldn’t help but marvel at how different she was from her brother. Abi only came up to her chin when standing, making her just over five foot tall, and her dark hair and eyes were in total contrast to Connor’s blond, blue-eyed appeal. There was a trace of family resemblance around their eyes, though, and as Abigail looked up and smiled at her Josie felt a pang of horror as she recognised Connor’s grin.

  She hadn’t bargained on feeling like this around Abi. She’d been so focused on getting back to work it hadn’t occurred to her how she’d deal with being around Connor’s sister. She would have a daily reminder of him now.

  Her discomfort must have shown in her face, because Abigail frowned.

  ‘God, Josie, you look terrible. I thought a holiday would have done you some good, not made you more tired.’

  ‘I just didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all.’ She brushed off Abi’s concern, desperate to focus on what needed to be said here and to forget all about the reason for her restless night.

  Abi continued to look at her for a moment, before gesturing for her to sit down on the leather sofa in the corner
with her. ‘You want some coffee? You look like you could do with some.’

  ‘No, I’m okay, thanks.’

  ‘Did you actually manage to get some rest while you were away?’

  Judging by Abi’s expression, she clearly thought Josie had been working and angsting about the business the whole time she was in France. Going by her rough appearance that morning, it was a reasonable assessment.

  ‘I did. After the first couple of days I didn’t do any work at all.’

  At least she didn’t have to lie about that. Unfortunately the memories of what she had done threatened to trounce her composure before she’d had a chance to apologise for her crazy behaviour.

  Abi raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

  Sitting up straighter, Josie folded her hands in her lap, her heart thumping in her chest. Apologising to Abi was going to be more nerve-racking than she’d anticipated. Her palms were sweaty as she primed herself to say the words she needed to get out, pushing any qualms out of her mind.

  ‘I’m so sorry for all the problems I’ve caused recently. I’ve been selfish, expecting everyone to fall in line with what I want and losing my temper when they didn’t. So childish.’ She shook her head and gave Abi a sheepish look.

  The relief on Abi’s face provided the first shot of happiness she’d experienced since leaving the farmhouse.

  ‘I’ve been working too much, and it’s affected my judgment,’ Josie said, leaning forward in her seat. ‘But my head’s on straight now and I’m ready to get back to it without losing my temper—or my mind—again.’

  ‘That’s great to hear.’

  ‘And I’m going to apologise to the rest of the staff in a minute. I want them to feel they can approach me with any problems and that I won’t bite off their heads and spit them out.’

  Abi chuckled. ‘You can be a bit fierce sometimes.’

  Josie sighed. ‘Yeah.’ She squirmed inside as she remembered how stern she’d been with Connor when he’d first shown up. And how little it had affected him.

  ‘Well, I’m glad a holiday helped.’

  Before she could check herself Josie blurted, ‘I met Connor at the farmhouse.’