Fuck

by Rufus Lodge

  French Connection’s profits seemed to suggest that she was right. But around the world, opposition to the campaign was slowly emerging. Products bearing the ‘FCUK’ logo were barred from many American stores. There was outrage in Singapore when the logo appeared on the side of buses. A British judge ordered a juror to go home when he wore a ‘FCUK’ T-shirt in court. Posters for French Connection’s radio station, FCUK FM, were removed for making the link between ‘fcuk’ and ‘fuck’ too blatant, with their strapline: ‘FCUK FM FROM PNUK TO RCOK AND BACK. NON-STOP FNUK. FCUK FM’.

  By now, the Advertising Standards Authority were demanding that French Connection submit each new poster to them for approval, before it appeared on the streets – rather than waiting, as they usually did, for complaints from the public to arrive. Trevor Beattie mounted a stiff defence of the campaign: ‘FCUK is an advertising idea which became a brand. The T-shirts have got us into more trouble than the advertising in terms of press coverage. Yet I never saw the advertising as offensive. When you think of what else is happening in the world it puts it all into perspective – it really isn’t that important. But the facts speak for themselves: we used it in advertising; the ASA put us in the sin bin; we came out; we sinned again; we went back in … The thinking behind everything we have done for FCUK is about bending the rules, entertaining, subverting, doing something no clothes store should do. It’s all been about building a tone of voice for the brand. It’s about attitude – if you’re a bit alternative or anti-establishment, FCUK is the brand for you.’ But within a year, ‘fcuk’ had disappeared from French Connection’s advertising campaigns, though it survives in the names of the company’s range of perfumery, which includes both ‘FCUK Him’ and ‘FCUK Her’. Now that’s what I call fragrant.

  The Final Word

  Terry-Thomas – the name alone will bring a smile to the face of any filmgoer of a certain age. He may not have been the most versatile actor in cinema history – every role turned out pretty much the same – but his appearance on screen was a guarantee of humour. His archetypal portrayal was that of the English cad: the bounder who isn’t as posh as he thinks he is, and who isn’t going to let any man, woman, or foreigner (especially the latter two categories) get one over on him.

  In his twilight years, he struggled with Parkinson’s disease, but clearly retained the Terry-Thomas style. His last recorded words were addressed to a waiter, who had fallen foul of the strict Terry-Thomas code of etiquette; and they are also a perfect way to sign off this F-word cavalcade: ‘Fucking cheek’.

  Appendix

  FYFI

  A 21st-Century Dictionary of Abbreviations

  4Q – Fuck You

  ACGAF – Absolutely couldn’t give a fuck

  AFDN – Any fucking day now

  AFGO – Another fucking growth opportunity

  AFT – About fucking time

  AFU – All fucked up

  AMF – Adios, motherfucker

  AMIIGAF – Ask me if I give a fuck

  ASAFP – As soon as fucking possible

  ATFP – Answer the fucking phone

  AUFM? – Are you fucking mental?

  AYFKM? – Are you fucking kidding me?

  AYFS? – Are you fucking serious?

  BAMF – Badass motherfucker

  BBAMFIC – Big badass motherfucker in charge

  BBMFIC – Big bad motherfucker in charge

  BFD – Big fucking deal

  BFE – Bum fuck Egypt

  BFR – Big fucking rock

  BITFOB – Bring it the fuck on, bitch

  BMF – Bad motherfucker (or, be my friend)

  BTFO – Back the fuck off

  BTFW – By the fucking way

  BUFF – Big ugly fat fuck

  CBF – Can’t be fucked

  CBFA – Can’t be fucking arsed

  CGAF – Couldn’t give a fuck

  CRAFT – Can’t remember a fucking thing

  CTFD – Calm the fuck down

  CTFO – Come the fuck on; or, chill the fuck out

  CTFU – Cracking the fuck up

  DAFS – Do a fucking search

  DF – Dumb fuck

  DFC – Don’t fucking care

  DFL – Dead fucking last

  DFU – Don’t fuck up

  DFWM – Don’t fuck with me

  DFWMT – Don’t fucking waste my time

  DGAF – Don’t give a fuck

  DILF – Dad I’d like to fuck

  DILLIGAF? – Do I look like I give a fuck?

  DYOFDW – Do your own fucking dirty work

  EAPFS – Everything about Pittsburgh fucking sucks

  ESADYFA – Eat shit and die, you fucking asshole

  ESMF – Eat shit, motherfucker

  ESYF – Eat shit, you fuck

  FAH – Fucking-A hot

  FAP – Fucking-A pissed

  FA-Q – Fuck you

  FAY – Fuck all, y’all

  FB – Fuck-buddy

  FBI – Fucking brilliant idea

  FEITCTAJ – Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke

  FFS – For fuck’s sake

  FI – Fuck it

  FIF – Fuck, I’m funny

  FIIK – Fucked if I know

  FILF – Father I’d like to fuck

  FINE – Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, emotional

  FKM – Fuck ’em

  FLUID – Fucking look it up, I did

  FMBB – Fuck me, baby

  FMBO - Fuck my brains out

  FMFLTH – Fuck my fucking life to hell

  FML – Fuck my life

  FMLTWIA – Fuck me like the whore I am

  FMN – Fuck me now

  FMUTA – Fuck me up the ass

  FNG – Fucking new guy

  FO – Fuck off

  FOA – Fuck off, asshole

  FOAD – Fuck off and die

  FOAG – Fuck off and Google

  FOMOFO – Fuck off, motherfucker

  FRED – Fucking ridiculous electronic device

  FSOB – Fucking son of a bitch

  FSU – Fuck shit up

  FTF – Fuck, that’s funny

  FTN – Fuck that noise

  FTRF – Fuck, that’s really funny

  FTS – Fuck that shit

  FTW – Fuck the world

  FU – Fuck you

  FU2 – Fuck you too

  FUBAH – Fucked up beyond all hope

  FUBAR – Fucked up beyond all recognition

  FUBB – Fucked up beyond belief

  FUBOHIC – Fuck you, bend over, here it comes

  FUJIMO – Fuck you, Jack, I’m moving on

  FUM – Fucked up mess

  FWLF – Fuck work, let’s fuck

  FWOT – Fucking waste of time

  FYFI – For your fucking information

  FYIFV – Fuck you, I’m fully vested

  FYRB – Fuck you right back

  GAFC – Get a fucking clue

  GAFL – Get a fucking life

  GAGF – Go and get fucked

  GFAD – Go fuck a duck

  GFF – Go fucking figure

  GFI – Good fucking idea

  GFY – Go fuck yourself

  GFYMF – Go fuck yourself motherfucker

  GILF – Grandmother I’d like to fuck

  GMAFB – Give me a fucking break

  GTFA – Go the fuck away

  GTFBTW – Get the fuck back to work

  GTFO – Get the fuck out

  GTFOOH – Get the fuck out of here

  GTFU – Grow the fuck up

  HFS – Holy fucking shit!

  HTFU – Hurry the fuck up

  IDFC – I don’t fucking care

  IDGAF – I don’t give a fuck

  IDGAFF – I don’t give a flying fuck

  IFU – I fucked up

  IHNFC – I have no fucking clue

  IHTFP – I hate this fucking place

  IMFO – In my fucking opinion

  IRDGAF – I really don’t give a fuckr />
  IWFU – I wanna fuck you

  IYFD – In your fucking dreams

  IWTFU – I want to fuck you

  JAFO – Just another fucking onlooker

  JAFS – Just another fucking salesman

  JFDI – Just fucking do it

  JFGI – Just fucking Google it

  JFH – Just fuck him/her

  KDFU – Kracking da fuck up

  KMFA – Kiss my fucking ass

  LAGNAF – Let’s all get naked and fuck

  LDIMEDILLIGAF – Look deeply into my eyes, does it look like I give a fuck?

  LF – Let’s fuck

  LMFAO – Laughing my fucking ass off

  LMMFAO – Laughing my motherfucking ass off

  LOLWTF – Laughing out loud, ‘What the fuck?’

  MBRFN – Must be real fucking nice

  MF – Motherfucker

  MFIC – Motherfucker in charge

  MILF – Mother I’d like to fuck

  MOFO – Motherfucker

  MPFB – My personal fuck buddy

  MTFFBWU – May the fucking force be with you

  NFC – No fucking chance

  NFE – No fucking excuse

  NFF – Not fucking fair

  NFG – No fucking good

  NFI – No fucking idea

  NFW – No fucking way

  NIYWFD – Not in your wildest fucking dreams

  NNCIITFZ – Not now, chief, I’m in the fucking zone

  OMFG – Oh my fucking God

  PFC – Pretty fucking cold

  PMFF – Pardon my fucking French

  PFH – Pretty fucking hot

  PFT – Pretty fucking tight

  PTFO – Pass the fuck out

  QFT – Quit fucking talking

  RFN – Right fucking now

  RFR – Really fucking rich

  RFS – Really fucking soon

  ROTFLMFAO – Rolling on the floor, laughing my fucking ass off

  RTFM – Read the fucking manual

  RTFQ – Read the fucking question

  RTWFQ – Read the whole fucking question

  RUFKM? – Are you fucking kidding me?

  SAPFU – Surpassing all previous fuck-ups

  SFTM – Stop fucking texting me

  SFTTM – Stop fucking talking to me

  SNAFU – Situation normal, all fucked up

  STFU – Shut the fuck up

  STFW – Search the fucking web

  SUUFI – Shut up, you fucking imbecile

  TARFU – Things are really fucked up

  TFF – Too fucking funny

  TFIF – Thank fuck it’s Friday

  TFMIU – The fucking manual is unreadable

  TFYS – The fuck you say

  TIGAF? – Think I give a fuck?

  TILF – Teacher I’d like to fuck

  TTMF – Ta-ta, motherfucker

  TYAFY – Thank you and fuck you

  UFB – Un-fucking-believable

  VFF – Very fucking funny

  WAFB – What a fucking bitch

  WAFM – What a fucking mess

  WAFU – What a fuck up

  WGAFF? – Who gives a flying fuck?

  WITFITS? – What in the fuck is this shit?

  WTF? – What (or Who) the fuck?

  WTFDYJS? – What the fuck did you just say?

  WTFGDA – Way to fucking go, dumbass

  WTFH? – What the fucking hell?

  WTFDYCM? – Why the fuck did you call me?

  WTFWYCM? – Why the fuck would you call me?

  WYFM? – Would you fuck me?

  YAFA – Yet another fucking acronym

  YATFM – You are too fucking much

  YBF – You’ve been fucked

  Discography

  Don’t Do That!

  Songs with precise fucking instructions

  ‘Don’t Fuck My Sister’ (7000 Dying Rats)

  ‘Don’t Fuck My Friends’ (Raxx)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With My Kinfolk’ (Pimpsta)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With the Babysitter’ (Owleater)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With My Pooch’ (No Redeeming Social Value)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With Greatniss’ (N-PO$E)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With a Lyricist’ (Let Go & Control!)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With Robert Smith’ (Planetakis)

  ‘Don’t Fuck With the FBI’ (Metaverse)

  ‘Don’t Fuck Giraffes!’ (David Hahn)

  Internet Dating Can Be a Tricky Business

  Songs that suggest your blind date is fucked

  ‘Let’s Fuck Differently’ (Elastic No-No Band)

  ‘I Feel Like a Fat Frustrated Fuck’ (The Evaporators)

  ‘Fuck ’Em All, That’s My Slogan’ (Philthy Fingers)

  ‘Fuck the Bastards of the Human Race’ (Amy Honey & Nuclear Weasel)

  ‘Any Cunt You Can Fuck I Can Fuck Better’ (Shat)

  ‘Big Massive Fuck-Off Attitude’ (The Lollies)

  ‘Fuck You Softly With a Chainsaw’ (Levan & Rei Taak)

  ‘Gut the Slut Before I Fuck’ (Lividity)

  ‘I Kill Everything I Fuck’ (GG Allin)

  ‘I’ll Dig You Up and Fuck You’ (CodeCracker)

  The Doctor Will See You Now, Sir

  Songs about fucked-up bodily functions

  ‘Oh Fuck, I Feel So Down’ (Dano TheCube)

  ‘Ringworm Fuck’ (Voetsek)

  ‘Fuck My Eardrums’ (TomWax & Franksen)

  ‘Fuck My Liver’ (Gut-shot)

  ‘Fuck the Hiccups’ (Beercan!)

  ‘Blood Sucking Fuck’ (Deathwitch)

  ‘Cunt Pussy Fuck Shit’ (Tourette’s Funk Syndrome)

  ‘Fuck My Shit Stinks’ (Boxcar Cadavers)

  ‘Prolapsed Trachea Fuck Toy’ (Saprogenic)

  ‘Fecal Stuffed Fuck Stumps’ (Guttural Secrete)

  ‘Severed Foot Fuck Fetish’ (Eviscerated)

  ‘Head Fuck Is Dead’ (Randy)

  ‘I’m Dying Danny, I Don’t Give a Fuck About the Rules’ (Chainsaw Murphy)

  ‘The Doctor Called, Turns Out I’m Sick as Fuck’ (Decade)

  And They Said Chivalry Was Dead

  Songs that simply say ‘Fuck you’

  ‘Fuck You, Get a Job and Have a Nice Day’ (Peter Wilde)

  ‘For Your Information, Go Fuck Yourself’ (Big Deformed Head)

  ‘Fuck Is the Only Word For You’ (Larry Pierce)

  ‘Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You!’ (The Jonny 3)

  ‘You’re Old, Fuck You’ (Anal Cunt)

  ‘I Reckon You Should Shut the Fuck Up’ (Consolidated)

  ‘I’m Pro-You-Shutting-the-Fuck-Up’ (Another Breath)

  ‘You Fuck Off First, Then I’ll Fuck Off’ (The Roman Line)

  ‘Fuck Your Fuckin Fuck’ (Pin-Up Godiva)

  ‘I Can’t Finger Fuck You If Your Pussy Stank’ (Wolf Pack Click)

  ‘Fuck You & The Cum-Soaked Bitch You Rode In On’ (Iowa Beef Experience)

  Would You Like Fries With That?

  Songs that fuck with your appetite

  ‘All You Can Fuck and Eat’ (Prophecy)

  ‘Fuck Your Pretzel’ (Puffy Areolas)

  ‘How to Fuck a Donut’ (.tape.)

  ‘Fuck the Bread, Eat Rice’ (Byousatsu Endorphin)

  ‘Fuck Rap, Eat Icecream’ (Lautschrift)

  ‘Ice Cream Apple Fuck’ (Fight like Apes)

  ‘Fuck Those Fries, I’m from Idaho’ (9-Volt Tongue)

  ‘Fuck Meat’ (Noah Swords, King of the Deathmatch)

  ‘Fuck the Rotted Meat’ (Reprobation)

  ‘Gentlemen Fuck Your Eggs’ (JJ Star Duran)

  ‘I Eat Fuck’ (Daniel Jordan)

  ‘Eat My Fuck’ (Filthy Maggoty Cunt)

  ‘Eat a Bowl of Fuck’ (The Ugly Fat Kids)

  ‘Eat Shit and Fuck a Moose’ (Flesh Parade)

  Drink Up, It’s Time to …

  Songs that tell you it’s last fucking orders

  ‘Drink, Fuck, Drive Truck’ (The Tower of Dudes)

  ‘Fuck
You, Where’s My Brew’ (Dehumanized)

  ‘Fuck Vodka, Drink Juice’ (MrShada)

  ‘Fuck Juice No. 9’ (Reverse Dotty)

  ‘Fuck Your Lemonade’ (Ryan Arklin)

  ‘Fuck You, I’m Drunk’ (Bondo)

  ‘Fuck! I’m Drunk!’ (Poison Apples)

  ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’ (Dead Kennedys)

  ‘There Are Cigarette Ashes in My Coffee and I Don’t Give a Fuck’ (Pat Kinsella)

  ‘How to Fuck Up a Cup of Coffee’ (Accidents Never Happen)

  What Exactly Is It That You Don’t Like About Me?

  Songs that make it perfectly fucking clear

  ‘Fuck Your Jacket’ (All Teeth And Knuckles)

  ‘Fuck Your Lifestyle’ (Shotgun Shell)

  ‘Fuck Your Cigarette’ (UFO)

  ‘Fuck Yr Obvious Words’ (Racebannon)

  ‘Fuck Your Mum’ (Blank 183)

  ‘Fuck You, You’re Irish’ (Hub City Stompers)

  ‘Fuck Your Nationality’ (Disorder)

  ‘Fuck Your Lyrics, Fuck Your Music’ (Plastic Riot)

  ‘Fuck Your Scene, Fuck Your Crew, Fuck You’ (Slam Coke)

  ‘Stop Sayin’ Fuck All the Time!’ (Lord Funk)

  Basic Music-Biz P.R.

  Songs designed to advance your fucking career

  ‘Fuck Commercial Music’ (Olive Oil)

  ‘Fuck This Track’ (Mark Frostbite)

  ‘Fuck the Fans’ (Bomb The Music Industry)

  ‘Fuck Blvd Records’ (Young Trigger)

  ‘Fuck a Major Label’ (Pistol)

  ‘Fuck You Time Warner’ (The Gozinyahs)

  ‘Fuck Corporate Death’ (Marta G. Wiley)

  ‘Fuck the Rap Game’ (M.O.B.)

  ‘Fuck You and Your Record Contract’ (The Punk Group)

  ‘Fuck the Music Industry’ (Death Before Disco)

  Don’t Sit on the Fence

  Songs that mark your fucking ballot paper