The Other C-Word

by Schiller, MK

  Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all was talking out of their ass. I had never experienced such pain and misery. I saw his face in every missed caress, every empty space and every lonely cry.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I went to my father’s grave. I had never been there. I hadn’t even gone to his funeral. I cried silently, letting the cold wind blow around me as I stared at his headstone. I would have looked like a grief-stricken mourner to any passers-by, but I wasn’t. The source of my tears was from no other emotion than white-hot anger.

  I silently said all those things I’d never had the courage to all those weekends so long ago. I thought of spitting on his grave, but my moral compass wouldn’t let me. Instead, the words rang in my head that I wanted to say to him in person. I hoped wherever he was, deep in the ground beneath me, he could hear me.

  I hate you. You took everything from me. You took my innocence and my good dreams. Now, I only have bad ones. You not only fucked up my life, but you screwed up my whole family. They all feel guilty because of what happened to me. Because of what you did to me. You even took my memories, the ones I wanted to keep. The craziest thing is that you stole my catharsis. I never got to stand up to you and to see you pay for what you did. Even though you’re dead, you’re still taking from me. You’re still taking all my chances at happiness and I will always hate you for that. I will always be the girl who never catches the bouquet because of you.

  I felt better after that. I didn’t realise it, but just purging myself of the words, even though he couldn’t hear them, provided some relief. The resentment had been building up for a long time, like a poison to my system, and I felt a release, if not a complete catharsis.

  The memories started coming than and I didn’t like that, but maybe it was better that way. They were fleeting dreams with fuzzy edges that came to me at night. They weren’t night terrors because I could remember them. I woke up shaking and cold, but never alone. My mom was always there to soothe me. I wished she wasn’t.

  * * * *

  I’m eight years old and my daddy says he’s going to take me to the circus. My mom thinks circuses are wrong because of how they treat animals, but my daddy says that’s bull. I’m excited. He’d bought me a pink dress and he’d combed my hair. I love my daddy.

  “Pumpkin,” he says, gathering my hair in two ponytails—he always liked two ponies. “I have to talk to you and I really need you to be a big girl and understand what I’m saying.”

  “Okay, Daddy,” I say, looking at him in the mirror. He’s tall and he always smiles at me now. Not like before when Linda was here. He loves me now.

  “What happened last night was me showing you how much I love you. That you’re my only girl. It’s a special thing that only daddies who really love their daughters do. I don’t want you to ever tell.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t think your sisters’ daddies love them as much as I love you. It would make them sad to know they don’t have what we have. You don’t want to make them sad, do you? You don’t want to make your mom sad that I love you more than she does. It has to be a secret or they’ll get mad at you because daddy loves you so much. They’ll get mad at me too and then Daddy will have to stop taking you out on dates. I have so many places I want to take you, but I won’t be able to if you tell.”

  “I won’t tell, Daddy. I can keep a secret.”

  “I know, pumpkin. That’s why you’re my number one girl and my weekend girlfriend. You’ll always be that, no matter what.”

  * * * *

  Fuck, I was still that. He’d kept me silent with my love for my sisters and family and I’d believed him completely. I’d wanted to make him happy. He used guilt to make me comply and that was the strongest feeling in the world to a little girl because it was the most tangible.

  I started seeing a therapist. It helped to talk about the things I’d never wanted to talk about with my mom or sisters. I knew that the descriptions would mortify them and they’d never recover. They felt guilty enough.

  Although I was sad, I could feel the mending of my heart, as if someone was literally sewing it with needle and thread. The days went on and I moved through them. It hurt, but my smiles weren’t always artificial. I could eat dessert again and laugh at a joke.

  I loved my new job in accounting too. I was in a cubicle and not closed off to my co-workers. We joked around sometimes. Eric Wells asked me out. Eric was tall with shaggy brown hair and hazel eyes. He was very cute and sweet. I declined, but I told him to wait another two months and ask again if he wanted. It had been three months since Rick had left. Another two wouldn’t be enough to heal, but the thought of a date might be a possibility. Does love die out, like the light in a dead star? I didn’t think so. At least my life was returning to some semblance of normal, even if it was a new normal.

  That’s the thing about an emergency—you never know when it’s going to happen.

  I got the call at work. A car had struck my mother in the parking lot. Dillon drove me to the hospital. The hospital waiting room had all the cast of characters that usually sat in our living room. No one joked or laughed tonight, though. Stevie, Billie, Dillon, Adam, Adam’s mother Kate and I all sat around sombre and silent. Billie had had to fly in from New York and Adam had picked her up from the airport. We waited while my mom had some massive brain surgery. She’d sustained a major head injury from the impact.

  We sat for hours, barely speaking. We mostly hugged each other, walked around like zombies and cried—privately or together as a group. Adam pretended he wasn’t crying, but I saw the redness in his eyes when he came back from the bathroom. He loved my mother too. Dillon had no pretentions about crying. He cried more than the rest of us combined.

  Stevie sat next to me, clasping my hand. “Marley, this maybe bad timing, but I need to tell you something I’ve never told you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I was attacked.”

  I turned to her, blinking my eyes rapidly not sure, if I heard correctly.

  “It happened when I was in college and left late one night. Adam knows. Mom and Billie know too.” Why didn’t I know? “I wasn’t raped, I fought him off. I had pepper spray, but it was traumatic.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Stevie?”

  “I felt guilty. I felt like it was nothing compared to what happened to you. I told everyone not to tell you. I’m fine. I’ve dealt with it. They caught the man. My biggest regret was that I never told you. I didn’t tell you because of my guilt, but the ironic part is you were probably the one person that could have helped me the most. I’m not telling you now to make you feel worse, or sad for me.”

  “Why are you telling me now then?”

  “Because you deserve someone to be there for you too, Marley, and like me, the guilt is blinding you to that fact. You think you did Rick a favour by casting him off, but I know how you felt for him. It’s obvious how much you’re hurting right now. You love him and he loves you. Being there for you was his decision to make, not yours.”

  I smiled softly and embraced her. “Stevie, I appreciate what you’re saying to me, but I don’t think it’s the same thing.”

  “To quote the great George Michael, Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

  Despite the traumatic events, I chuckled. “Are you suggesting I call Rick?”

  “Um…no you don’t have to.”

  I stared at her quizzically.

  She looked down at her hands sheepishly, which was a rare expression for Stevie. “Adam texted him. He’s on his way here.”

  My mouth dropped open. “What? You didn’t have a right to do that.”

  Stevie crossed her arms. A gesture that was familiar to me. One that said, ‘you can’t tell me what to do’. “If I had told you I was attacked when it happened, what would you have done?”

  “Anything you needed me to. I would have helped you.”

  “Exactly! That’s what we’re doi
ng now.”

  “You told him to fly in from London?” I was shaking from the realisation he’d be here and I didn’t know what to expect.

  Billie put her arm around me from one side. I hadn’t even realised she was next to me. Stevie did the same thing from her position. “He was in New York. The London job was over. We didn’t tell him to fly here. Adam just told him about Mom. He wanted to be here for you. I wanted to give you some warning. He’ll be here in a few minutes.”

  “What! Stevie, in whose freaking book is a few minutes any kind of warning?” I barked at her.

  That was when the doctor came out. I swallowed all my anger, fear and depression so I could listen actively. He was a young surgeon and I wondered if he was experienced enough to work on my mom. I restrained myself from asking for references.

  “She’s out of surgery and it went as well as we could hope. However, we had to induce a coma to minimise any brain damage.”

  Brain damage? Coma? My knees buckled, but I felt strong arms clasping my waist. I recognised the strength of those hands and the comfort they brought. Rick was holding me steady. He whispered in my ear, “You need to be strong for your mom, Marley.”

  I was able to stand on my own, but he kept his arms around me just the same. It comforted me. It felt safe.

  “Can we see her?” Stevie asked Dr Doogie Howser.

  “In an hour or so when they have moved her to a room. She won’t be responsive and you can’t stay long. I would suggest you all leave after that and get some rest. There will be some long days ahead. We can’t be sure how she’ll progress until we can monitor her.”

  We all sat down. I rested my head on Rick’s shoulders. There were so many emotions running through me, I didn’t trust myself to speak to him. Luckily, he didn’t expect it. After a few minutes, Stevie approached us. “We’re going to grab a bite to eat in the cafeteria before we see Mom. Do you guys want to come?”

  I shook my head.

  “Okay, we’ll bring you back something. I know you’re starving, Marley.”

  They all left and it was just Rick and I. I still didn’t know what to say, so I asked him the most nonchalant thing. “How was your flight?”

  “It was great. There were no failed abductions or any sexual harassment or anything.” Despite the craziness of the moment, I laughed. He always had the ability to make me laugh when I needed it most. “Are you hungry, baby?”

  I nodded and he placed the Zesty bar in my hand. I stared at it like a lifeline. That’s when the tears flowed. I cried and hugged him. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he comforted me. It was exactly what I needed. I uttered some semblance of a muffled thank you and it was for so much more than the Zesty bar. He held me against his chest, drawing small circles against my back. No more words were necessary.

  * * * *

  My sisters and I stared at my mom’s bandaged body and all the tubes that seemed to be supporting her life. It was scary, but gave us hope too. We stayed for fifteen minutes until they kicked us out.

  When we returned to the waiting room, I saw Billie’s look of fear and I knew it was for more than my mom’s condition. She was frightened at the prospect of being in the house alone with me. She had been ever since I’d snatched her hair out during a terror.

  “Billie, why don’t you spend the night with Stevie and Adam tonight?” I suggested.

  “It’s okay,” she replied.

  I don’t know how Rick figured out what was going on, but he chimed in, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of Marley tonight.”

  “We’ll all stay at the house tonight. We should all be together.” Stevie decided for us.

  Stevie was right. We were a family and we needed each other more than ever. We went home and sat around in our pyjamas. At least Dillon and us girls did. Adam and Rick wore shorts and T-shirts—I doubted they slept in anything other than boxers. Dillon had stopped at the bakery and brought a dozen cupcakes. The house had never seemed so crowded. Stevie brought Van Morrison with her too. Even the cat seemed uncharacteristically docile, sitting in her lap. He didn’t even try to scratch or hiss at me.

  “You girls eat these slowly. They’re full of sugar and butter and all that bad stuff you’re not used to,” Dillon warned.

  We all reached for a cupcake. I relished the decadence of it. It was completely quiet until Rick broke the silence. “Dish… I think your mom’s a tough cookie and if anyone can survive this, she can.”

  I squeezed his hand because he was an amazing man and I was a lucky girl. The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts. Kate smiled weakly, holding a casserole pan. She regarded all of us quizzically. We took up every seat and all the floor space in the living room.

  “I know your family is close, but this looks like a commune.”

  We all laughed because it was true.

  “I made you a casserole, but it has eggs and cheese. I’m not sure how to make anything vegan.”

  “That’s okay,” I told her, taking the heavy casserole pan from her. “None of us are vegan. Thanks, Kate.”

  She brushed Adam’s hair in a motherly gesture. Rick offered her his spot on the couch, but she refused, and opted to sit on the floor instead.

  “Dish… Do you remember when mom started that greeting card business?” Stevie chimed in.

  Billie and I groaned because we totally remembered it.

  “I’ve been thinking about it. She made us all help her with the designs. It was during the time I was deciding my major and I loved art, but told her I couldn’t make a career out of it. Mom made all us all do our own designs. You guys really sucked, but mine actually sold. Mom stopped doing it right after that, but I think she did it to encourage me that I could make a living at it. It’s very cool how she did that without ever using words. That’s what made me major in graphic art.”

  I smiled at Stevie’s epiphany because it made complete sense now. My mom had never been interested in art herself, except as an admirer.

  Billie spoke next. “Dish… When I got into Columbia I told Mom I wasn’t going. It wasn’t just because I wanted to stay here, but because I didn’t think we could afford it. For weeks after that, I found my acceptance letter to Columbia all over the place. She had made like a hundred copies in different coloured paper. I found the letter under my bed, in my drawer, taped to my windowsill, under my rug. I felt like I was Harry Potter being invited to Hogwarts!”

  We all laughed again.

  Dillon cleared his throat when the laughter finally died down. “Dish…I never told you all this, but your mom came with me on my first date.” We all stared at him in disbelief. “I know it sounds weird, but it wasn’t. I was crazy nervous and she didn’t actually come on the date, but she sat at the next booth to comfort me and let me know how I was doing. She was kind of like my version of Cyrano De Bergerac.”

  The stories kept flowing from there. Kate told us about the misadventures her and my mom had had. She was my mom’s best friend and had so many stories of her own.

  I cleared my throat. “I know it doesn’t seem like a grand gesture like your stories, but I will always remember how mom sings to me when I’m sick or sad or have a…nightmare. She still does.”

  Kate smiled knowingly and she walked to the stereo and flipped through the CDs until she found the one. My mom’s favourite song and sung by my namesake. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It seemed to fill the whole room with calm and it was the perfect thing. My mom sung the song to all three of us girls whenever we needed a lift. We all chatted and talked through the night, exchanging more stories about the wonderful woman that was my mother.

  I felt strong arms lifting me off the couch. I thought I was floating. “Shhh, I’m just putting you to bed, baby.”

  Rick was carrying me. He knew I couldn’t fall asleep on the couch. It would be awful because I was liable to hurt one of them. He knew that because he knew me. He placed me on my bed, kissed my head and slid in next to me, pulling me against his chest. I swore I heard him singing
Three Little Birds as I drifted off to sleep. He had a beautiful voice and it felt like a dream…one I wanted to remember.

  * * * *

  The next few weeks moved slowly. We spent most of our time at the hospital. Rick was with me every moment. He never pressed me for answers to all the unspoken questions between us. He just supported me during the day and night.

  I finally broached the subject on the third night, when we were alone, in bed. “Rick is there somewhere you need to be? I don’t want you to feel that you have to stay here.”

  Rick ran his fingertips down my cheek and across my lips. “No, Marley, this is where I want to be. I have to know though, is there somewhere else you want me to be?”

  “No, I want you here. Actually, that’s not the right word. I need you here. I’m so sorry.”

  “Shhh, it’s okay, sweetheart. You were right in a sense. I wasn’t trying to fix you, but I was trying to fix your problems. It was only because I love you and you were in pain. Even though I’ve only known you for four months, I felt so empty without you. I don’t ever want to be without you again.”

  “Rick, what did you mean when you said you were conflicted to Adam?”

  He smiled softly. “I meant that my heart was in one place, but I was in another.” He took my hand and held it against his heart. “My heart was always with you. Although you failed the other abduction, you did manage to kidnap my heart the moment I saw you at the airport, Garter Belt Girl.”