The Other C-Word

by Schiller, MK

  “Why are we running?” Dillon asked.

  “Please, Dills, don’t talk or ask me any questions, just hold my hand right now. It’s all I need.”

  Dillon did exactly as I’d asked.

  When we reached everyone else, Dillon positioned me in front of all the other girls. They were all dancing behind me to Single Ladies by Beyonce. This was a total setup. I was in this position because Stevie meant for me to catch her bouquet—she actually looked at me before she turned around, assessing angle and distance like she did a pool shot. She tossed the bouquet high and straight. It was a perfect throw, right in the breadbasket, as they would say. At that moment though, it didn’t look like white roses and lilacs coming towards me. It looked like a ball of fire coming to consume me. What was a girl to do when a ball of fire is spiralling straight for her? What I did.

  I stepped out of the way.

  The flowers landed on the floor next to me and slid into the massive gaggle of girls who stood behind me. Dillon fought off two of Adam’s single aunts to get to it. I had no idea why Dillon was in line to catch the bouquet. I assumed it was because he wanted to get married one day too, and he’d rather have Stevie’s bouquet than her garter belt.

  Stevie looked at me reproachfully, my mother stared with concern, Billie was completely confused, but it was Rick’s look I’d remember the most. He actually looked heartbroken.

  I found my way to him and took his arm. “Rick, can you please do me a favour?”

  “What do you want, Marley?” He did not look happy to see me. I gave him my most contrite smile and squeezed his hand apologetically.

  “I know I just screamed at you up there. It’s just been an emotional day. Can you please forget about everything?”

  “Everything you said up there or everything you told me last week?”

  “I want to worship your body tonight. I want you to do the same to me. I promise we can talk about it all tomorrow, but please just forget it tonight. Can you do that for me?”

  “Am I supposed to forget how you jumped out the way of catching the bouquet too?”

  “Yes, you are. Can you do that and spend the night with me tonight?”

  He kissed my forehead. “For you, love, I can do a lot of things.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he wanted to talk and I didn’t. I didn’t want to break up with him on my sister’s wedding day. I always wanted to think of it as a special day for our family and it would be impossible if it happened to be the same day that Rick and I had our inevitable conclusion.

  I kissed him back and whispered sexy, salacious promises in his ear before leaving to search out my sisters. I pulled them into a corner and called Adam over to us. “Adam, you’re family too so I want you to hear this.”

  Adam joined us, looking pleased at what I’d said. His pleased expression turned to slight annoyance when I made him hold hands with us.

  “Is this about why you didn’t catch the bouquet?” Stevie asked.

  “Nope, we’re never going to talk about that, ever. This is about something else.” I looked at Stevie and Billie. I’d rehearsed this just like my toast, but the words seemed to escape me now, “Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

  They all stared at me as if I’d grown a third boob. Stevie stared curiously. “Did you just quote George Michael on us? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Shut up, Stevie, I have to tell you some stuff and I really need you to listen right now.” It must have been something in my voice because for once Stevie was quiet, and Adam didn’t even make a sarcastic comment.

  “Adam showed me the house. The one both of you love. It’s perfect for you and you’re going to sign the purchase agreement before you leave for your honeymoon.”

  “Adam, you took Marley to the house? I told you I don’t want to move out.”

  Adam shifted uncomfortably under Stevie’s scrutiny. I felt bad for putting him in this position on his wedding day, but someone had to set her straight, and this was a job for Tuff Gong.

  “Don’t blame him. I made him take me. You’re married now and you need your own place with your husband.” The tears started flowing now. Stevie and Billie were crying too. Adam looked nervous and uncomfortable, which I can’t blame him for, since three women were bawling in front of him.

  “Marley, I swear if you ruin my makeup,” Stevie chided.

  “Either you move out or I am.”

  Stevie studied me closely, trying to assess if I meant my threat. She released her hands from our circular connection. “Adam, go away for a minute.”

  “What? Marley just said I’m family and this decision concerns me too.”

  “I know what Marley said, but I need to talk to my sisters right now, so I need you to go away.”

  I hadn’t expected this. I wanted Adam’s support because I knew he was on my side.

  “But, babe…” Adam never got the whole sentence out because Stevie pulled him towards her with his tie.

  “Adam, I need you to leave us alone, but I want you to think about all the delicious things I’m going to do to your body on our honeymoon. Think about how we’re going to join the mile high club on that plane bound for Jamaica.”

  “Hello, we’re still here you know,” Billie quipped, but Stevie and Adam totally ignored her. It was as if they were the only people in the world again.

  “Where do you want me to go, babe?” Adam asked.

  Stevie gestured to the bar area where all of Adam’s groomsmen, Rick and Dillon were conversing. Dillon looked awkward and uncomfortable, carrying the decorative white bouquet, but at least Rick was talking to him.

  “Great, you get me all hard and then tell me to go stand next to the sausage factory,” Adam replied, rolling his eyes.

  “Eww, stop it. My innocent ears can’t take anymore!” Billie groaned.

  “Oh, I know your ears aren’t innocent, or anything else,” Stevie quipped.

  Adam left us. The three of us stared at each other and the tears started flowing again. We wiped them, not our own, but each other’s.

  Stevie gave me an imploring look. “You know you can’t live on your own.”

  I started again on the speech I’d prepared, “Stevie, I can’t stand the fact that you guys feel this guilty that you’d give up your own dreams. I’m an adult and your older sister. You don’t have to worry about me.”

  Billy chimed in, “I agree with Marley.”

  I turned my eyes to Billie. “And you, young lady, are going to Columbia. Consider yourself kicked out, at least for the school year. You may return on vacations and long weekends if you wish.”

  “You can’t kick me out!” Billie said, trying to feign her Miss Haughty attitude.

  “I can and I will. Come on, you know this is your passion. This is what Jo did and what you want to do. Go to New York, be a writer, write a novel about our crazy family, it’ll be a bestseller.” We all started laughing at that thought.

  It was then that my mom found us. Just like when we were kids sharing secrets, she had a tendency to sneak up on us. “Are you girls dishing without me?”

  “Mom, I was just telling Stevie that she needs to move out with Adam and Billie needs to go to Columbia.”

  Mom smiled. “I couldn’t agree more. About time one of you moved out. I’m not running a boarding house, you know.”

  Stevie shook her head. “Mom, you can’t do it by yourself.”

  “I’ll take the stronger medicine. I’ll figure it out.” I was prepared for any arguments she’d offer. I knew it would be difficult for my mother to handle me on her own and I’d have to make some sacrifices for her sake.

  My mom put her arm around my shoulder. “You will do no such thing. That medication makes you a zombie, Marley, and I won’t have it.” She turned and gave both Billie and Stevie a hard look. The one that said ‘I mean business so listen up’. “Do you girls think I can’t handle Marley by myself? I can handle her just fine. I toured with the Dead, you know!” />
  With that, we all laughed and I knew Billie and Stevie felt the relief of the moment too, enough that they would pursue their own lives. It made me feel free somehow, that my chains would not be their chains any longer.

  That night I worshipped Rick’s body. In actuality, I was trying to memorise it. I wanted to remember every sinewy muscle, the strength of his arms, the heat of his skin and the taste of his mouth. He did the same with me, although I didn’t think it was for the same reasons.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The next morning I awoke as usual with him staring down at me. I ran to the bathroom for my morning ritual. He was already showered and dressed. When I came back to the bedroom, he was sitting on my bed with his head in his hands. “We did what you wanted Marley. Are you ready to talk or are you going to make me keep waiting?”

  I decided to let him talk first because maybe after last night he’d come to his senses and end things. I wanted him to. It would be easier for me to get over him that way. I sat next to him. “Talk, I’m listening.”

  He took my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist. “I’m supposed to leave next week. I don’t want to. In fact, I don’t have to. I can run my business anywhere in the country. I can also look for a position locally so I can be with you every night. It’s not because I want to fix you. It’s because I don’t want to let you go. You’re a very difficult person to get to know, but I’m so happy you let me know you. I love you, Marley Reba Mason.”

  My heart felt like it had filled up and deflated all at once. This was not what I’d expected him to say. How could he love me after the way I’d acted last night?

  “Rick, I would never ask you to give up your life for me. I can’t live with that.”

  “Marley, I want you in my life. You don’t have to feel guilty. There’s nothing for me in New York.”

  I looked up at him, forcing myself not to cry. I didn’t even recognise my own voice. It was strained and cold. “Rick, there’s nothing for you here either.”

  His look told me that was all I needed to say. I might as well have slapped him again. When he spoke next, his voice was strained and cold too. “I see. Thank you for clearing that up for me.”

  He gathered his things then headed for the door. I sat quietly on the bed, wishing I had some magic words to make him feel better, but there were no words to heal this kind of pain. Before he left, he turned once more to me. “You have a week of vacation time. I don’t mind if you take it this week.”

  “Which would you prefer?” I asked him. I was wondering how this could seem like such a normal conversation after everything.

  “I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m giving you the option for your benefit, not mine, because that’s all we are…benefits.”

  I spent the rest of the day in bed crying. My only solace was that Stevie was on her honeymoon and couldn’t chastise me.

  In the end, I went to work because it would be wrong to bail out on Rick. We were cold and cordial to each other. Mostly we avoided each other, which was funny, since we had done this before due to our sexual attraction. We had come full circle. We shared an uncomfortable moment at the last meeting with Henley and Kathy. Rick went over all the results of his implemented plans. He also reiterated his detailed, three-year strategy for our company.

  Henley showered him with much deserved praise. Rick had done everything he’d said he would. Our company wasn’t out of the woods, but we had a stronger bottom line. More vendors, more orders, more market share and our future looked brighter. He had done it all without firing a single person.

  “Rick, if I could afford you full time, I’d hire you in a second. If you ever decide you want to move to Chicago and you don’t mind a pay cut, promise me you’ll at least give me the chance to make you an offer.”

  I didn’t look at Rick, but I had a feeling he was staring at me. “Thank you, David. It’s been a pleasure working with you and getting to know your loyal staff. They are very dedicated and passionate and I’m sorry my time here is ending, but I’m happy to get back to New York.”

  That night, I heard the sad, melodic sounds of Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground wafting out from his office before I left. I knew he was playing it for me. It wasn’t a plea to change my mind or even an attempt to help him move on. I knew what it was—it was a beautiful goodbye.

  * * * *

  On Friday, an email invitation was sent to the whole office summoning us to RJ’s for Rick’s farewell party. There was a new ambiance of excitement at work because it felt like he was giving our company a future. He had fixed us as he’d set out to do. Too bad he couldn’t fix everything, no matter how hard he tried.

  On his last day, Rick came out of his office with his briefcase and paused next to me. “Are you coming to RJ’s tonight?”

  I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

  “I didn’t think so. I wanted you to know that I recommended they place you in accounting. I told Henley you have a good head for numbers and filtering data. It’s not because of anything else. It’s only because it’s true.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, sincerely. I couldn’t believe he’d do that for me after everything.

  “Marley, would it be okay if I called you sometime to see how you’re doing?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Rick.” I couldn’t even look at him, so I stared into my computer monitor. I knew his eyes were on me though.

  “I didn’t think so. Will you call me if you need something or just want to talk?”

  “No.”

  He let out a sarcastic laugh. “I didn’t think so. Take care of yourself, Marley. Apparently you’re the only one capable of that job.”

  With that, he left, out of my life. I sat there silently, as the realisation washed over me. No more secret jokes, no more intense stares, no more elevator rides, no more German chocolate cake, no more holding me, no more late night conversations, no more Rick. At least not for me. I laid my head on my desk as the tears started flowing.

  Dillon came and found me then dragged me home.

  “We’re going to have a break up party, kid. Just you and me.”

  Dillon’s idea of getting over someone was to eat a ton of junk food and listen to sad music. He also suggested we bad-mouth Rick, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Rick was perfect and I was a perfect mess. He had done everything he could, but he couldn’t fix me.

  I have no idea why listening to break up songs helped, but there was some psychological truth to it. In a strange way, feeling more miserable was almost necessary to the healing process. I think it’s akin to how sometimes bones need to be broken completely to heal correctly.

  Dillon announced that my break up song was Somebody to Love by Queen, but I preferred Somebody to Shove by Soul Asylum. Both songs were amazing, but I couldn’t handle Freddie Mercury right then. Soul Asylum became my new favourite band and I listened to that song on constant repeat, thinking that my pain would decrease relationally to the amount of times I heard those lyrics. I listened to it so much that Billie threatened to delete it from my iPod.

  The weeks wore on and I was in a complete slump, but I tried to hide it. I was very good at hiding things from people. My family knew how much I was hurting and they tried to help me, but I quickly changed the subject. I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried for myself, but also for Rick, because he didn’t have a family like mine. I hoped he had people that wanted to help him heal too. Not any woman, of course, but other males that would tell him I was a bitch and he deserved better. Of course, knowing Rick, he would punch someone for talking about me like that.

  Dillon assisted me in organising my room. He brought over all kinds of crazy gifts for me like drawer organisers, velvet hangers and perfumed sachets. I replaced my hot pink bed sheets and curtains for darker colours. It made things easier, since I saw Rick everywhere I looked. As manly as Rick was, he looked damn hot under my pink bed sheets.

  I cooked vegan meals with my mom. She sugges
ted we make German Chocolate cake, but I vehemently refused. We stuck to savoury items only—I no longer desired sweets.

  At work, they moved me to accounting as Rick suggested. I packed up my desk and walked into what had been Rick’s office one last time. I looked around and remembered all the secret and special moments we’d shared. Kathy interrupted me and asked why I was staring at the wall. Instead of answering her, I informed Kathy I was taking the ugly brass, planter home. I wanted to replant something in it and make it new again.

  Stevie and Adam moved into their new house. We had a painting party and managed to put a brilliant colour on every wall of their bungalow. I was happy for the distraction, but when Stevie showed me the room they wanted to use as the nursery, the fake smile I wore hurt my face.

  Adam took me aside to talk to me. “Marley, Rick’s been texting me and asking me how you are. I’m not sure what to say. He’s my friend, but you’re my family. What do you want me to tell him?”

  I swallowed. “Tell him, I’m coping…that’s the C-word I am now.”

  Adam regarded me curiously, but nodded.

  “Adam, do you know how he is?” I asked, tentatively.

  “Yeah, he said he’s…conflicted.” Conflicted? What the hell did that mean? At least my word spoke of the devastation and need for healing. His word just confused me. It was ambiguous and vague.

  My mother and I visited Columbia with Billie. My mother had a friend in New York who was a nurse and we stayed with her. I knew I’d had a pretty awful terror the next day because even my mother’s friend, who I’d only met once, felt the need to hug me.

  I considered visiting Rick. I knew his address and I longed to see him. In the end, I decided to refrain from making a crazy ex-girlfriend appearance by standing at his front door. It would serve no purpose, except making me miserable. Rick was probably dating again and I imagined running into him and some girl when I was walking around Central Park. I imagined her to be a perfect, dark haired hussy that looked good in running shorts whose lipstick always matched her nail polish. I had no idea why I imagined that or why my thoughts were so bitter, but they were. He was preparing for London anyway. He’d be leaving in a week for that assignment. I was sure every girl in that city would throw herself at him…it was a den of gorgeous, glamorous women. He might as well have been visiting Babylon.