Rigadoon

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Lili, I ask you … can you see me hobnobbing with this Rundstedt … if he exists! if he’s really going to this funeral … shouting ‘Heil! Heil! Heil!’ like Faustus° in Berlin … remember! up on his tiptoes … the screwball! double, that’s what he was, a double agent!” … they’re all ‘double’! Harras! … the von Leidens° … Kracht … Christ, if I had to make a list … the crowd in Montmartre and everywhere else! what a collection! say, might be a good idea for getting to sleep … to count them … all those bastards … forget them … and remember them again …

  If you’ve ever passed through armies in flames … yourself, I mean, not your brother-in-law, through jellied cities and empires, and desperate, panting populations, offering you, oh yes! … their babies, their wives, and then some! … anybody! anything! … just so the damage! the lightning! should come down on you! and not them! not them! … nothing will ever surprise you any more … yeah, but where’s Le Vig?

  “Hey, Lili, see anything?”

  “No! … not a thing!”

  On the avenue, I meant … he hadn’t done his “Christ” act in a long time … or his Man from Nowhere! … where could he be? …

  “You know the way he is! … all alone like that!”

  Sure, we were tired … but … we had to face it … he hadn’t been quite right when he left us … so we get up, nice comfortable bench … but the musette bag? … hadn’t touched the food … we had our suspicions … maybe we’ll eat it later … later … we’ll talk it over with Le Vig … anyway we won’t throw it away! this is a beautiful avenue … wide, really beautiful … I’ve already told you that … twenty times! … but long … where’s the end? … by the steeple! … the funeral … the cathedral up there … that’s where he ought to be … if he hasn’t gone off his rocker … and split! … I’m thinking about Le Vig … another bench … time to catch my breath … I’ve dropped the blind act … fed up! … I look around, the houses … seems to be true what Hilda said … not a soul! … the S.A. have taken everybody away … empty, top to bottom … wonder where they are … in the woods, under the pine trees … the Nietzschean system or something … anyway, I’d seen too much to believe anything … a time comes when you stop batting your brains … look at the universe, the shining stars, millions and millions of them, they’re phonies … dead for billions of years! … evaporated! … and don’t rib the astronomers, shooting at the sky, figuring, filling the void with mathematics … they’re only trying to make a living, same as you …

  So we’re resting … now what? we haven’t seen Rundstedt go by … or anybody else …

  “We’d better be moving!”

  It’s not so far now … the steeple … the five-hundred-and thirty-one-foot steeple, the one our Siegfried had climbed, we can’t go wrong … talking about Siegfried, very convenient to be gaga, that way he could sit tight and send us looking for “fragments”! we didn’t find any, nothing in the gutters, nothing on the sidewalks … maybe Le Vig? … but where is he? … the risk, the danger, everything falls on Lili and me … the hiking and the hardship … this Captain Siegfried would enroll us in the Hitler Jugend for the next war … the pimp! his cathedral wasn’t far now … but no Le Vig … not on this side … or on the sidewalk across the street … what if he’d got himself arrested with his foam tank … chasing the “fragments” … maybe they’d thought he looked suspicious … chasing “fragments” like that … must be a meeting of top brass outside that cathedral … generals and high clergy! I wasn’t crazy about being seen … let’s go back! … no more “fragments” in the gutters than bob-tailed kites! … I’ll give those two jokers a piece of my mind, the fire chief and his raspberry, they could just as well have come out here themselves, looking for firecrackers! Hilda, the concubine … I’ll make her drag her brats out from under the bed, and send them looking for fireworks, them, not us! My decision … about face! pop Bébert in his bag, no, he won’t go in … when he won’t go in, I know my cat, it’s because he’s looking at something … okay! … I look too … in the distance … the slope … the grass border … somebody’s there! … he’s right … sitting in the grass … no! … lying down! … we go see … just as I thought … full length … Le Vig flat on his back, staring … what’s wrong? he doesn’t recognize us …

  “Is it you?”

  “Is it you? ha, Bébert! …”

  I cut him short!

  “Your tank! … where’s your tank?”

  He shows me … the extinguisher … in the grass …

  “Well?”

  First he bumbles … then he talks … if it’s the truth, I can see why he’d be dazed … I sum up: he’d gone as far as the church … not a church, the cathedral … we know! we know! … well? … looked all over! … not a single fragment! “you sure?” “yes” … but outside the cathedral a mob! … of Landsturm and church brass, maybe archbishops! … they’d called him to come over! … on the double with his arm band and his fire extinguisher … he’d split! he’d passed the police station … Feldgendarmerie … they hadn’t said anything, not a word … but next door, in a factory, a lot of people locked in! … that’s right, locked in! … in a brewery … exactly! a big beer factory … all full of people … right away he’d spoken to them … through the windows … not Germans, foreigners, men and women … they were supposed to take the train to Berlin … why Berlin? … even Le Vig had been surprised … Berlin? why not Rostock? …

  “Did they ask you what you were doing with your foam machine?”

  “No! and I didn’t tell them either!”

  For once he’d kept his mouth shut …

  “Then what?”

  They’d come from a factory in Saxony … plumbing equipment, the whole personnel … no more copper in Saxony … they were being sent to Berlin … cement factory …

  “Ah, I get it! … they recognized you!”

  “Right! … how did you know? no kidding! I denied it! … honest to God! … but they knew!”

  At least one nice thing had happened to him: they’d recognized him! instantly! … Le Vigan, the great Le Vigan! those other yokels, those dimwits in Zornhof and Rostock, had never even heard of him! … the brewery crowd even threw a party for him: all they needed in their warehouses, three giant warehouses! they were allowed! they could go in and help themselves, anything they liked! as long as they didn’t try to escape …

  Mountains of bottled beer! … valleys of sparkling wine and foie gras … army stores, so they claimed …

  “They’re expecting to be bombed!”

  “So what did you do?”

  “I ate, I drank, I left!”

  “I believe that … and didn’t you say: ‘Pétain! Pétain!?” … Hey, Sigmaringen … the station! … time to be getting back!”

  “We’d better wait!”

  “Wait for what?”

  “For the Marshal to pass! … Rundstedt!”

  “What can he do to us?”

  “If he’s got schupos around him … he must have! … papers! … blah-blah-blah … questions! …”

  He agrees with me … that we’d better stay put! … we’re doing all right in this grass … beautiful day … wait for the Marshal to pass! …

  We’ll get up after a while … but … but … oh, the baboon! … I knew it …

  “Hey, company! for you!”

  A brunette … she hesitates … on the grass across the street … the other sidewalk … she’s coming … a step to the right … to the left… she’s crossing …

  “Do you know her?”

  “Yes! yes!” … he admits it … she’s escaped from the brewery! … blow me down! he’s been expecting her!

  “Picking up girls? … you tramp! … don’t you ever learn?”

  “What’s the objection?”

  “Maybe she talks too much.”

  “She doesn’t know you!”

  “She will! … blabbermouth! … hey, a daisy! … entertain her! … pull off the petals! then you won’t talk! …
plenty of daisies around here! she loves me! she loves me not! … pick yourself a bouquet! … she loves me!”

  “Her name’s Claire! …”

  I see they’re old friends … fast work at the brewery … here she comes …

  “Bonjour, mademoiselle! …”

  Looks tired, but not so very … pleasant smile … winning, I admit … nothing much to simper about, she in the brewery, us anywhere in the world or here by the roadside … anyway, I’m friendly by nature … so’s Lili… Bébert just looks at the road, he doesn’t put himself out …

  “Monsieur Le Vigan …”

  “My child …”

  Those eyes! … he’s not interested in the road … only in Claire! suits her to a T … they work fast at the brewery! … I ask her …

  “A lot of French people there?”

  “Yes, mostly women! … from the plumbing factory …”

  “All going to Berlin?”

  Yes! … they’ll find out … I won’t tell her about the tunnel … I bet Le Vigan means to … I head him off … I make out I’m thirsty …

  “Mademoiselle, you wouldn’t have some water at the brewery? … mineral water, I mean …”

  “Why, of course! … a whole warehouse! wait! I’ll be right back!”

  “No! … no, please, mademoiselle! … later! stay here with …

  Actually I see water … a drinking fountain! … right across the street … I can go get it myself! … I’m only in the way … he was in that brewery for an hour … two hours … I see they’re good friends … nobody’d known him in Rostock, but now he’s okay, he’s known! … and better still! Mademoiselle Claire has been in the movies, an extra … yes, indeed! she hasn’t always worked in factories … I’m not trying to listen but I can’t help it, they’re right next to me and talking plenty loud … she doesn’t want us, Lili and me, to think she’s some little nobody, butting in … Lili’s asleep, Bébert’s awake … I see them there, the four of them … I say to myself: good time to cross over, get some water! I pick myself up out of the grass … very quietly … I’m all right, I cross the avenue … I see the weather’s getting better and better … why shouldn’t it? it’s the middle of June … not a plane upstairs … in the sky … not a smoke trail … no gunfire … suits me! … the grass is taller on the other side … here’s the fountain … I drink just like that, cupping my hands under the spigot … fine water, fresh and cold, a pleasure! I drink it down, I cup my hands again, I take some more … vroom! vroom! a motorcycle! two! … four! … where’d they come from? … same as us … from the station … and further … I says to myself: this is it! they’re coming! … what we were waiting for … but no cars! … just another motorcycle … and a couple more! … vroom vroom! oh yes! a car … that must be him! … Rundstedt … I stay right where I am, behind the fountain … a phalanx of motorcycles! … vroom vroom! … a formation! … no mistake! I turn my head a little … police! … I see they’ve still got gas … and across the road I see … Le Vig and his admirer, stretched out on the grass … they’re looking for me, they don’t see me … behind the drinking fountain … but I see them! all of a sudden Le Vig stands up … shakes himself … steps out of the grass and down off the sidewalk … a whole pack of motorcycles … vroom vroom! … they pass … he jumps into the middle of the street! … I’m telling you exactly the way it happened … he plants himself! … like this! … he holds up his right arm! … Christ, he’s done it! defiance! … I should have kept out of sight behind the fountain … you don’t know me! … I pop out! … the big Mercedes brakes! … stops dead … not three feet away from him! … the motorcycle cops haven’t seen a thing … too busy with their own noise … besides, when I think of it now, it was the final sprint … the cathedral, the steeple … in plain sight… and probably scared shitless that a load of bombs would come out of the clouds and bam! … the good thing about their wild charge was that they hadn’t seen a thing … neither me at the drinking fountain nor Le Vig across the street … now naturally … they turn around … there were twenty of them … thirty … now what? … I hesitate … should I … shouldn’t I get mixed up in this? … I shouldn’t have … Le Vig is throwing a fit … no hesitation about him! …

  “Rundstedt, turn back! Rundstedt, turn back! no, never again will you set foot on French soil!”

  Firm! menacing! raising his right arm!

  He starts in again:

  “Never again on French soil, Rundstedt! never again!”

  Somebody coming on the run … more schupos … still more … and Landsturms and civilians … Lili had seen it all from the other side, the grass across the street … I motion to her: don’t move! no! she won’t stay put! … she pops Bébert into his bag, quick! … he’s used to it … but then … before we have time to fart! or get our bearings … we’re surrounded and … whoops! … thrown into a car! blitz operation! … another car, a limousine … me, Lili, Le Vig … his admirer, I see, is gone … four cops with arm bands … one tricolor arm band … a French cop? first I’ve seen … where are they taking us? … we’re there! … mighty quick! … a big double door … Polizei … they bring us in … I’m telling you quick, just the way it happened … you’ve got to realize that this was quick motion! … the road, Rundstedt … and now a table, two chairs … a schupo comes in … then a civilian … tricolor arm band … he starts right in.

  “You’re French?”

  “What about you?”

  Right back at him! … his arm band doesn’t impress me … what kind of police? … from where? is he going to take us someplace? … I’m older than he is … are the Boches handing us over? …

  “I’m here to help you … I’m from Sigmaringen …”

  Ah, isn’t that a coincidence!

  “You weren’t there when I left…”

  “No! … I got there later!”

  Let me explain … I knew the cops at the Castle, and the ones from the Milice … he wasn’t one of them … reinforcements? … possible … we’ll see!

  “How’s Restif?”°

  “Fine … he’s going to leave, he’s waiting for you …”

  Good answer! … all the same, I’m suspicious … the schupo next to him is interested in Le Vig … he looks at him … he looks at him some more! the other side again! nothing unusual! … he was throwing a fit a minute ago, in front of the Mercedes … funny, he’s perfectly natural now, it was only a fit … jumping out on the road like that … he doesn’t even remember … another schupo comes in …

  “Papier? … Waffen?”

  Papers? You’ve come to the right place … but no weapons! … Waffen!

  “And him?”

  The schupo asks me … meaning Le Vig …

  “Oh no! … he hasn’t got any either!”

  He probably ought to search us, but I see he’s not going to. He only asks me …

  “Sicher nicht? … you sure? … da nicht? … not there?”

  “That’s Bébert, it’s his bag …”

  “Ach, nein!”

  If it’s papers they want, I can oblige! … pockets, linings, crammed! … Le Vig ditto! … bundles! … we fish, we rummage … I throw a whole pile on the table … plunk … but they all jump up! stiff! they click heels! … attention! somebody’s come in … I hadn’t had a good look at him in the car, the Mercedes … it’s him, the Marshal … Rundstedt … alone … I can see him close up … powdered, wrinkled, but no lipstick … all elderly generals use lipstick, not him … I hadn’t had a good look at him out there on the road … Le Vig’s conniption! … what’s this Marshal here for? he must have better things to do! … to find out who we are? “marshal”? … it’s easy, he’s got his baton under his arm … the schupo and our cop are still at attention, frozen! … the Marshal asks them …

  “Nun?”

  “Drei Franzosen! … trois Français!”

  The two cops answer together, each in his own language …

  “Papier sind da! kein Waffen! the papers are here … no
weapons!”

  I can see the Marshal doesn’t give a shit, he hardly looks at us …

  “Woher sind die? Where are they from?”

  “Aus Paris …”

  “Nur gut … good!”

  “Und das? … and that?”

  That’s the musette bag, it’s moved … he’s noticed … Lili tells him …

  “Our cat Bébert!”

  “Would you be so kind as to show me, madame!”

  Somebody else wants to hang him, I suppose … we open the bag … Bébert sticks out his head, his moustaches … they still bristled, hadn’t begun to droop like later on … here in Meudon …

  “All the way from Paris?”

  “With us, Monsieur le Maréchal!”

  Le Vig puts in his two cents worth …

  “From Montmartre! … he belonged to me, Monsieur le Maréchal!”

  “He’s ours!”

  That’s Lili … I look at her … she’d only have done it for Bébert … she never says anything …

  “Madame, you’re quite right, Bébert is yours!”

  The Marshal is interested in the cat.

  “He won’t scratch me if I touch him?”

  “Oh no, Monsieur le Maréchal!”

  His hand on his head … Bébert doesn’t say a thing … then he starts purring …

  One of the cops at attention there says something … in a whisper … the Marshal doesn’t quite get it …

  “Was? was? what?”

  It’s about us.

  “You’re going to Sigmaringen?”

  “Yes, Monsieur le Maréchal!”

  “Ja! sicher! … yes, certainly!”

  He must think we’re funny … luckily … how old can he be? … about my age … my age now … he speaks French almost without an accent, except his “vous” are kind of clipped …