Knowing that Cameron was out of Andrew’s reach and busy at Thomas’s ranch brought a relief, which poured over him like warm oil.
*** *** ***
Andrew heard Cameron no longer stayed at the ranch and wanted to see how she was managing back at the restaurant. He wondered if Thomas continued to reject her or if he was just better and no longer needed a nurse. She was in his thoughts when his head landed on the pillow at night, in the very midst of his dreams, and upon waking in the morning. He wrestled with the knowledge that he wanted to be more than a spiritual influence in her life. This was a place he fought hard not to go. He was falling for Cameron Engel. And in his own strength could do nothing about it.
How could he reach out to her and maintain distance at the same time? The temptation to care about her more than he should was too great a struggle. Constantly, he pleaded with God to take these emotions from him. It was inadvisable to garner personal feelings for Cameron, with her wounded soul exposed. He would not crush her spirit. She’d been hurt enough by the men in her life, he’d not be one of them.
He found her with a plate of uneaten food in front of her. “Good morning,” Andrew greeted. “Would you mind if I joined you?”
“That would be fine,” Cameron said, picking at a slice of ham.
After a moment of wondering if she wanted to be in his presence, he attempted a shot at conversation. “Are you enjoying Sunday services?”
“I like the story of Moses, and of Daniel and the Lions’ Den.” Her response was quiet, thoughtful.
“You know that they are not just stories, don’t you? Those things really happened, and those people were real people.”
“Yes, I know. Though it is hard to believe.” She sat up a little, showing interest in their discussion.
The door he’d been praying for was beginning to open.
“As true as those stories are—He’s the same today. He cares about us today and has plans for us today, just as He did way back then.”
“Can someone sin too much?” Cameron’s eyes watered, seemingly tormented at such a thought.
Compassion filled him. He wanted her to be free from whatever it was that plagued her—all the while wondering why on earth God would choose him to spiritually advise the very girl he fought hard not to love. It was all he could do to not touch her, to not take her into his arms and comfort her by telling her everything was going to be all right.
“He forgives anyone who asks.”
She contemplated. “Is this why you seem to have so much peace? Or is it because you know so much about God?”
His laugh was more like a shudder. “I have much to know and still to learn about Him. I fail all the time. It’s what we do with ourselves when we fail that determines an everlasting relationship with Him, or not.”
“I think that I would fail all the time.” Her voice was soft, serious. She looked at him. “I want to feel different. I feel suffocated. I feel lonely. I do not belong anywhere, and mostly, I...I feel unclean.” She looked down shamefully.
Andrew was taken aback by her last comment. Somehow he never put it together that this might be the case with her, that her purity might be lost.
He tried to squelch the anger that rose in him, desperately trying hard not to show it on his face. Not now. She would clearly misunderstand and would think that this was one of her big sins. He closed his eyes briefly. He felt robbed of something that didn’t even belong to him and reminded himself of the words he had spoken moments ago.
“Nothing is too big for God to forgive. Always remember that.” He wanted to be done. He didn’t want to have this discussion anymore.
Cameron drew the napkin from her lap and placed it onto the table. “Thank you,” she said softly.
As he watched her walk away, sorrow, pain, and nausea lined the pit of his stomach. He had no right to be upset with her for doing something she hadn’t known better than to do. Internally he fought, trying not to resent God for allowing these feelings in the first place. He needed God now, as a man, more then he thought he’d ever needed Him before as a Reverend.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cameron walked into the Gun Shop and smiled shyly at the baldheaded man behind the glass gun case. He stood attentively, ready to serve.
“Is Mr. Collins here?” She asked.
“Certainly, allow me to fetch him for you, miss.”
“If you could just show me where he is?”
“Right through there and around the corner, you can’t miss it.”
She tapped softly on the door and when Jake looked up from his desk she went in. “Lacey told me you would be here today.”
He stood. “Cameron.”
“I wanted to...to see you.” she looked up into his bearded face. His eyes were softer than the last time she saw him. “It’s not right that you should stay away from Lacey’s. She misses you and I don’t want to keep you from each other. The same goes for Andrew.”
He was quiet. The edgy silence made her feel foolish for coming.
“Is that why you think I haven’t come around?” He didn’t sound pleased with her suggestion. “I haven’t been around for a number of reasons. Would you like to hear them?”
She nodded.
“I’ve been bounty hunting,” he said.
She was surprised.
He smiled his old, easy smile.
“Oh,” she said. Could she feel more foolish? She was sure red was creeping up her neck, cheeks and forehead.
“That’s only one reason.”
“It’s...really...I shouldn’t have come.”
Jake held up his palm to her, breaking her interruption. “It’s true I’ve been gone, but I also can’t bear the thought of what you must think of me. There’s that, and it’s hard knowing about you and Andrew, simply because he’s a good man and much better for you than I will or would ever be.”
Her mouth dropped. She was utterly stunned at his words. “What?”
“I don’t know how I got in Charlotte’s room that night, Cameron. I swear I don’t,” he replied, misunderstanding her. He put repentant eyes on her. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Andrew? And me?”
*** *** ***
Everything about her expressed bewilderment—the high pitched sound of her voice, confused expression, a hand placed dramatically over her heart. Jake tried to stay calm. He didn’t care to be made a fool of and was darned if he would allow her to feign ignorance as to what he was talking about. He sat back in his chair and waited for her acting spree to finish. She was quite impressive.
“What do you mean, you had no idea how you got into her room? She didn’t carry you did she?” She narrowed her eyes at him, showing anger and jealousy. This he could handle, it was her wounded, hurt-filled eyes of that night that he couldn’t.
He would humor her for the moment, for her attempt to distract from Mr. Preacher. “Like I said, I had every intention of coming up to your room.”
She raised an eyebrow, disbelief written all over. He stood up tall in his defense, refusing to be shut down. “You must know that Charlotte...” He stopped. How could he say what he was about to say without sounding arrogant?
“Yes?” She pressed.
“Charlotte doesn’t like to share me. Wait, that came out all wrong! I was done with her long before I came to know you.”
“I know,” she said.
“Don’t you think it odd that after I told her we were finished, and she, knowing I was with you, would try to...”
“I get it,” she said angrily. “Why on earth would a whore want to bed someone who’s already bedding someone else?” She stood up again, shaking.
“I’m telling you the truth!” He swore loudly, making her cringe. “Let’s not forget that I wasn’t but a few days out of your life when you sure didn’t waste any time getting close to Andrew.” Jake’s jealousy was betraying him, manifesting itself. “And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” he added, disgusted
with her and with himself.
He looked into her honeyed eyes. He missed the fragrance of her hair, the sound of her laughter. “I wasn’t with her. I know I wasn’t.”
“Jake,” Cameron said gently, “there is nothing but friendship between Andrew and I.”
He looked hard at her, to catch her in a lie.
“So that’s it?” he asked.
“I need to share something with you that is not easy to say.” She reached out and grabbed hold his hand. “I expected you to fill my emptiness and that isn’t right. I have been tossed aside by so many people in my life and there you were, accepting me. We met each other with a level of...intimacy...” Cameron withdrew her hand, but he pulled it back and held it tight.
“Of course you’re right about all of this.” He wondered when she got so mature. Unfortunately it appealed to him all the more.
“We have to get past this,” she said boldly. “Don’t you believe I still think about you?”
He burned his eyes into hers, surprised at her words. “I will keep my hands off of you, I promise.”
So badly, he wanted to touch the loose hair that fell onto her forehead. He was already regretting this conversation. This was going to be harder to do than driving a thousand head of cattle through the driest desert.
“Don’t be a stranger to the restaurant, your friends miss you.”
“Of course,” he said, flexing his hands free, forcing them to stay at his sides.
She gave him an innocent, quick hug and fled. Jake felt the cool air blow in from outside and inch into his office, breaking down the lingering touches Cameron left on him. When she wrapped her arms around him, as brief as it was, she’d left her mark.
Chapter Twenty-Four
That evening, an emotional exhaustion fell over Cameron but she pressed on, forcing her way through serving customers with a smile on her face. As the last person left, she observed out loud, “Lacey is awfully cheery tonight”
Patsy shrugged. “Maybe she’s got somethin’ to be happy about.”
Cameron finished her work, ready to be done for the night. She massaged her lower back with her fists.
Lacey entered the room wearing a white fur coat with matching earmuffs and hand warmer. She was also carrying an extra coat and gloves. She smiled big and handed Cameron the items. “Put these on. I have a surprise for you.”
She looked around. “What’s this?”
“You can’t ask any questions,” Lacey ordered.
Cameron grinned, hesitation fading away. “All right. Have it your way.”
“I intend to.”
Cameron acquiesced and donned her coat and gloves.
“Wait.” Lacey held up a blindfold. “It’s just for a moment.”
Her giggling friend led her out the front door. Cameron heard a horse snort and figured they were not alone.
Lacey took off the blindfold and Cameron looked up to see two sleighs parked in the middle of the street. One had Jake as the driver and the other had Andrew, two of the most strikingly opposite men in Kansas. Both men had on top hats, white gloves and black cravats. She couldn’t see their shirts because of winter coats, but she guessed them to be dressed up underneath. Both sleighs had four lanterns hung up around them and in each of the cranberry colored seats were large, fluffy quilts for added warmth. Sheriff Ed Randall stood beside the sleighs ready to escort the ladies aboard.
Cameron put a gloved finger over her mouth, concealing her smile. Jake looked outrageously out of place in his Eastern attire. Andrew, however, fit it perfectly well. As their differences became more obvious, she recalled Jake’s words… Andrew is the better man.
“Ladies, if you will.” The sheriff bowed, gesturing them inside by a slow swish of his arm, acting his part well.
Cameron was informed they were headed to Andrew’s for the evening, and never having seen his home before, her curiosity was peaked. She nestled back into the soft blankets and looked forward to having a wonderful evening at best.
There was more food spread out on Andrew’s tables than they would ever eat but it was all so delightful. A tiered tray containing a variety of cookies decorated the center of a large table. Small cakes and dishes of candies filled the area around it. On the second table was a feast containing hot beef roast, baked sweet potatoes, fried chicken, green beans, corn and biscuits.
Cameron gasped. “What on earth is all of this for? Is it someone’s birthday?” It was as if everyone was watching and waiting for her response.
“It’s for you,” Lacey said softly.
“Why would you all do this for me?” She let out a short, disbelieving laugh and her eyes started to well.
“You’ve been so sad ever since you came back from Thomas’s. Andrew and I, quite frankly, all of us, couldn’t stand it any longer. We want to see you smile again, so this is for purely selfish reasons as you can see.” Lacey came up and squeezed Cameron’s hands. “Please, don’t be angry.”
“How can she be angry?” Ed asked. “She should be sad more often, then we’ll all get a party!”
Lacey shushed him, nudging him with her elbow.
“I cannot, truly cannot, ever thank you enough. I don’t believe any of you has an idea of what this means to me.” Cameron looked at each one of the precious people in her life. They’d misjudged her despondence, thinking it was because of Thomas. But she’d accepted that there was not one particular person meant to make her life complete. She’d decided to let go of Thomas, Jake and her past, and a weight had lifted. The hole was still there but also hope that it would be filled somehow. She knew there had to be something else, even if it felt out of reach.
Andrew broke the growing silence. “Before we eat, would anyone oppose a brief prayer of thanks for our food?”
Surreptitiously, Cameron scanned Andrew’s home and possessions while he prayed. It was small but quaint. Masculine touches were everywhere but so was the elegance. Every item spoke volumes about the man, who was fine, gentle and strong. Unexpectedly, she pictured herself cooking in his kitchen, perfect for two. With great guilt, she realized where her thoughts were taking her. She felt her ears grow hot and self consciously stooped a little in shame.
The small group was crowded in his home but no one seemed to care as they passed around plates of food and mugs of hot cider.
She had been watching Jake and Andrew relate with each other during the evening. The last thing she ever wanted to do was come between childhood friends. Little did she know the internal struggles both men had to deal with whenever she was near. Distinctively different as those struggles were, it came down to the same thing—they both wanted her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
When everyone returned to the hotel they entered the foyer as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake any guests. Jake and Andrew both decided to stay rather than ride home so late in the heavily falling snow. The evening made Cameron’s year. She was beyond grateful to have found a place within this new family of hers and regretted the need to say good night. She didn’t want it to end.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Charlotte appeared in front of them, instantly locking Cameron’s neck with her forearm, a shiny knife gripped in her other hand.
Every face in the company turned dark—worry mixed with anger and fury.
“Don’t even think about it!” Charlotte snarled at Liam. She whipped Cameron’s body around. “Get out here where I can see you. Don’t you dare reach under that counter or I’ll cut her throat.”
Thomas and Jesse were playing cards and ordered to stand as well.
Sheriff Randall was first to intervene. “Let’s talk about this, what’s the trouble?”
“Ask him.” She jerked her head towards Thomas.
“Do you really think you can take us all?” Jake asked. “You think you’re gonna get away with this?”
“I could care less if I get away with this. At least I’ll be finishing what I came to do. I’m doing it for you, too, Thomas, as ungrateful as you are, you
pig.”
Cameron gasped. What?
Thomas took several quick steps. “Shut up, Charlotte. I am not in on this. Tell them,” he ordered.
“I’ll tell them all right.”
Cameron saw Thomas stiffen.
Charlotte staggered, then gathered her balance. Loudly she taunted, “You see, little girl, we tried to get rid of you but you just wouldn’t go. I thought you cared for Jake more than you did—obviously you just wanted a roll in the hay, same as me.”
Cameron let out a humiliated cry and brought her eyes to Andrew. She wished she hadn’t, he looked so stricken.
“That’s it, let all of these people who lift you up as ‘Miss Innocent’ know what kind of a person you really are. Why, you should be working over here on this side of the hotel.” She laughed wickedly.
Salty tears streamed down Cameron’s face and into the crease of Charlotte’s fleshy arm.
“Shut up!” Jake said, disdain filling every syllable.
“No, you shut up. You should be mad at Thomas, not me. He’s the one who hit you over the head that night that you and I...well ah, you know.”
Jake swung towards Thomas. Both men had hands on their guns before settling eyes on each other.
“This is between me and her, Jake. That’s all I am going to say.”
Revelation hit Cameron—that’s why he did it, to get her to leave. To make her go crying back to Ludenville from a broken heart due to Jake. Didn’t Thomas know what he’d done was much worse?
Jake said, “I don’t take kindly to being used. You ought to know that.”
Lacey looked wildly at them. “That’s all you have to say? Somebody do something!” she cried out desperately.
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