Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love)

by Bonnie Blythe

  Sara ground coffee beans and filled the coffee maker with water from the tap. After turning the machine on, she joined her at the table.

  Feeling conversation was expected of her, Julia cleared her throat. “So, how is little Alan doing? Is he sleeping better?”

  Sara nodded. “Better. He’s asleep now.” She went on to describe each adorable coo and wiggle, her voice full of pride. Then, she straightened up. “But I really want to talk about you.”

  Julia braced herself for the question she knew would come. Sara looked down at her hands for a moment before scrutinizing her face. “I haven’t wanted to interfere in your personal life, but the admirable restraint I’ve exhibited so far is at an end.” She leaned forward. “Just what is going on between you and Marc?”

  Under the table, Julia gripped her icy hands together in her lap, struggling to maintain her composure. “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Sara replied with obvious disbelief in her eyes.

  “I think the coffee’s ready.”

  Sara looked up. “So it is.” She got up and went over to the coffeemaker. “How do you want it this morning?”

  “Half skim milk and half coffee, please. If that wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

  She smiled gently. “I do believe you’re stalling for time.”

  Julia couldn't think of a response so she remained silent. A moment later, Sara placed a mug of coffee in front of her and returned to her seat.

  “So we were talking about nothing, if I remember correctly.”

  Julia glanced at the slender gold wristwatch on her arm. “I really do need to head out.”

  Sara pinned her with a look. “You’re always in Portland—”

  “That's mostly for the consultation project.”

  “—and you have obviously passed the friendship stage with Marc, so I just assumed you have something going.”

  She shook her head.

  Sara’s eyes widened. “Julia, you’re crying!”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Then why do you have tears running down your face?”

  Julia made a valiant effort to sniff silently. “They’re just stress compounds being released through the tear ducts in my eyes. It’s the body’s way of relieving stress. So I’m not really crying. You could call it...leaking.” She sniffed again and swallowed.

  “Leaking?” Sara leaned forward and touched her arm. “Maybe what’s wrong is that there was something between you and Marc and now there isn’t?”

  Stress-filled fluids ran in a torrent down Julia's cheeks. She hiccupped, but didn’t disagree.

  “Oh, Julia, I’m so sorry. I always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.” Sara grabbed a box of tissues from the kitchen counter and put it in front of her.

  With shaking hands, Julia took a tissue and held it to her eyes. She desperately tried to stem her weeping, but any effort only seemed to make matters worse. She was halfway through the box of tissues before her blurred vision began to clear.

  “I’m sorry you have to witness such a pitiful sight,” she said, her voice wobbly. “The consulting assignment isn’t going that great and I guess I’m more stressed out than I thought.”

  Sara opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Then she snapped her mouth shut, unable to mask her astonishment.

  “Please don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine, really. It was an unfortunate experience that I’m putting behind me, so you shouldn’t be concerned.”

  “Unfortunate? Are we talking about the job or Marc now?”

  Julia wiped her nose as daintily as possible, despising her muddled state. “Sometimes it’s easy for two people to become confused. Especially someone like me, who’s been confused for a long time.” She gave a humorless laugh. “I’m sure there must be some Freudian name for it. Whatever the technical term, it was a brief episode and now it’s over. Mistakes happen. What matters is the ability to learn from them and move on.” After delivering such a speech, Julia sagged in her chair.

  Sara’s brows furrowed. She didn’t appear convinced. “So...that’s it?”

  She nodded. “I’m just sorry you had to see me like this. I don’t know how I lost control.”

  “You’re human, Julia.” After a moment, she said, “Let me make sure I understand this. Did Marc break up with you? Did you love him? You seem to me to be broken-hearted.” Sara frowned, muttering to herself. “I can’t believe Marc would do something like this to you!”

  Julia grabbed her arm. “Do not talk to him about this, Sara. Do you understand?”

  She nodded, biting her lip. “I guess coming to Oregon hasn’t been everything Brian promised you it would be.”

  Julia didn’t respond. She took a deep breath and stood, leaving her coffee untouched. “I’ll see you later.”

  Alan began to cry in the other room and Sara got up to comfort her son while Julia went out the back door. His cries sounded as forlorn as she felt.

  ***

  A few miles down the road, Julia pulled over to the shoulder. She parked under the shade of a giant fir tree and turned off the Camry’s engine. Releasing her death-grip on the steering wheel, her breathing eventually returned to normal.

  Giving herself a hard look in the rearview mirror, she knew there was no way she could go into work looking the way she did. Even if she could keep her sunglasses on, her nose was red and her voice raspy from prolonged weeping.

  This morning’s crying jag had only been a continuation of the tears that began the minute she left Marc’s apartment the evening before. The drive home had passed in a watery blur, and the night had been a sleepless one. She hoped by morning she’d have a semblance of control. Boy, was I wrong.

  Julia sat wondering what to do next. How could she go to work and function normally when her life had been so utterly shattered? The nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty flickered briefly through her mind. How can I be put back together again?

  Another glance in the mirror made her feel disgusted with herself. She was a mess. How many times had she seen women devastated by men, unable to function? Julia judged them harshly in her mind. Now, she found herself in the same situation and only wanted a quiet place to go where she could lick her wounds in peace.

  If only Sara had stayed in her room. Julia had hoped she could make it through the day—until Sara started poking. Brushing a wayward tear from her face, she turned the key in the ignition and pulled back onto the road.

  She wondered where a good hideout might be located, a place where she could have a measure of solitude and maybe even get something worthwhile accomplished. Just because one’s life had been wrenched apart, work still had to get done. Tears and recriminations were a flat out waste of time.

  Julia thought of going to Bibliophiles, but immediately rejected the idea. Even though she knew Marc wouldn’t be there, she didn’t want to go anyplace reminding her of him. That basically ruled out all of downtown Portland.

  A few miles outside of the city, she took the next exit, which led to Lake Oswego. As she wended her way through the town, the impressive homes and gorgeous landscaping reminded her a little of La Jolla, the affluent suburb of San Diego where her mother lived.

  Julia found a charming little English tea room, and decided it sounded like a good place to find solace for a while. She spoke to the manager about occupying a table for the day. Her purchase of a set of fine bone china along with some books featuring photographs of English gardens made her request agreeable to the woman in charge. Julia stashed the purchases in her car, planning to keep them on hand for any upcoming birthdays or weddings.

  The notion of weddings brought a wave of sadness to the fore. Julia bitterly fought against it, taking deep breaths and angrily blinking away fresh moisture in her eyes. How stupid she’d been to imagine she had any future with Marc. To be brutally honest, she’d seen the warning signs—his mood changes and reticence to take that next step. As usual, she’d ignored them, sure that if she just tried a little harder, her story would have a
happy ending.

  That had been the pattern to her relationship with Kevin. Looking back, she could see how unwise she’d been to add the responsibility of marriage on someone already struggling with tremendous problems. Then, she’d truly believed her love would be enough to cure Kevin’s ills, and that together, they would vanquish any dragons that threatened their happiness.

  One would think I’d have learned my lesson. But she fell so hard and fast for Marc that it took her breath away. Slowing down to think things through would’ve been good advice. Now it was way too late.

  Julia bit her lip hard to stop from crying out and dragged her mind away from her heartache.

  She called Spencer to let him know she wouldn't be in for the day, blowing out a breath after hanging up, relieved he didn’t require involved explanations.

  She settled into a booth and ordered a pot of chamomile tea. When the tea was served, she took a sip from her cup and the hot beverage restored a measure of warmth to her body.

  I can get through this. I’ve cried enough tears. It’s time to go on. Even if it kills me, I’ll get over Marc and get on with my life. The idea of life without him brought a new rush of heat behind her eyes. She considered confronting him, demanding an explanation. Perhaps even initiate a plan to win him back. But she’d forced herself on a man before and she’d vowed never to do it again.

  I’ve learned the hard way I can’t make someone love me.

  ***

  The following Monday, Julia approached Spencer’s office, amazed that she’d survived the weekend. Inside, her churning emotions remained raw and bitter, but she’d been able to maintain a cool façade and no one at the college seemed the wiser. She never saw Marc and could only be relieved. Even though she knew she wouldn’t collapse at the sight of him, Julia wanted to put off that first eye contact for as long as possible.

  She and Spencer had decided this week she would start sitting in on classes. Glancing at the class list, she found he’d scheduled her to be in Marc’s class on Wednesday afternoon. That will give me a chance to prepare myself.

  Julia knocked lightly on Spencer's door frame and he waved her in from where he sat at his desk. His welcoming smile eased a measure of the clinging sadness.

  “I see you have the class list.”

  She nodded, suddenly wondering if her observation of Marc’s class would bring in any conflict of interest. “Spencer,” she said lowering her voice, “professional integrity requires that I inform you of a personal relationship I’ve had with one of the instructors on this list.”

  He leaned back in his chair and tapped a pen against his chin. “Are you talking about Marcos Dorin, the photography instructor?”

  Not trusting herself to speak, Julia nodded.

  “I knew you two were together at the book party where we met.”

  Julia felt her face heat under his scrutiny. She sensed him trying to discern just how far that personal relationship had gone and if it was still an issue.

  He leaned forward. “I trust you’ll maintain the objective judgment you’ve exhibited thus far. I see no problems, Julia.”

  Silently releasing a pent-up breath, she gave him a tentative smile. “Thank you. I appreciate your confidence.”

  They spent the next hour together preparing for a meeting with the college board of directors to present a report of their progress. So far, the directors seemed pleased with the quality of her work but she doubted they’d be pleased with some of her findings.

  “My summary is that low enrollment is due in part to marketing techniques and administrative inefficiencies along with other factors such as out-dated curriculum, difficulties bringing the college up to the latest standards of computerization, and the ever-strapped district budgets.”

  Spencer nodded. “I’ve come to the same conclusions myself.”

  “I hope to encourage the board to develop a sharply competitive attitude similar to that of a privately owned business. Instead of trying to be all things to all people, I’ll recommend they develop a special niche in the market, offering an experience just different enough to make it stand out from other area colleges. Despite their satellite schools, they need to generate more public interest and become more involved in the community.”

  Spencer grinned. “Most of which I’ve been saying all along, but the board needs to pay someone big bucks to tell them the same thing.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “But it will sound a lot sweeter coming from you.”

  Julia tossed her pen at him, returning his smile. “I didn’t know you were a sexist, Mr. Meyers.”

  He cleared his throat and assumed a grave expression. “Forgive me, Ms. Wilcox. You were saying?”

  She arched her brow. “In conclusion, the administration has been mired in red tape, red ink, and generally resistant to change or improvement. It’s my job to convince them to go in a new direction based on the best interest of the college. The school has the potential to compete competitively and become a stalwart for higher education.”

  Spencer clapped. “That’ll fetch ‘em.”

  “And then there’s the discrepancies that keep popping up. Generalizations will only work for so long. I’ll need specifics to back this up.”

  At the meeting later in the day, Julia had to call on every communication skill she knew of to relieve tensions and maintain a continuity of understanding with the board members—who had grown more impatient by the day. When she felt herself become flustered, her eyes sought out Spencer’s and his warm look of encouragement gave her the strength to soothe escalating tempers.

  Afterwards, outside the conference room, Spencer gave Julia a quick squeeze around her shoulders, complimenting her on her skill and diplomacy.

  She gave him a rueful smile. “I’m afraid that won’t be enough if we can’t track down some hard numbers and bring this to a close. I’ve promised to have things wrapped up by Christmas.”

  The holidays were just a few weeks away and she still needed time to be available for the implementation and evaluation phases, followed by the official termination of the project. That, combined with her inner emotional turmoil, made her wonder if she’d be gray-haired by the end of it all.

  He nodded. “Between you and me, we’ll get to the bottom of it. I promise.”

  Julia smiled up at him. “Your hard work and extra effort has been the key to making this assignment run as smoothly as it has. If you’re not careful, my boss will hear of you and steal you away to come work at my firm in San Diego.”

  Spencer regarded her, his expression hooded. “To keep up the momentum, I suggest we work here tonight. Any objections?”

  She shook her head. “Tonight’s just fine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Marc stood by his classroom window and stared moodily out at the parking lot below. He found himself doing that a lot lately. As much as he’d like to believe otherwise, he did it hoping to catch a glimpse of Julia coming or going.

  His heart jumped in his chest when he suddenly saw her Camry pull in and park. Marc glanced at his watch. It was just after one and he wondered if she was returning from lunch with her project partner. When she emerged from the car alone, his conscience gave him a jab for the jealous thought.

  She wore a pastel jacket with a matching skirt. Despite the fact it was a business outfit, he couldn’t help but notice the way it clung to her petite curves. Her eyes were hidden by a pair of stylish sunglasses. With a leather briefcase in her hand, she strolled to the entrance of the building with her usual grace and poise.

  She doesn’t exactly appear to be suffering much from the breakup. I can barely function. His days moved at a sluggish pace and his heart was no longer in his job. But he had only himself to blame. Logically, he knew the relationship had to end, but every fiber of his heart and soul regretted his decision. Marc lingered at the window a moment longer before walking back to his desk. The afternoon session would begin soon and he had to be prepared.

  Twenty minutes later, students
filed noisily into his classroom. Giving them a few moments to get settled, he quickly reviewed his agenda for the day. When he raised his head to greet the students, the words he planned to speak suddenly lodged in his throat.

  In the back of the room, sitting quietly at a desk, was Julia. Her hands were folded atop a notebook open on the desk and she sat with her legs crossed at the knee—a picture of studied ease and nonchalance. Their gazes locked. Marc found her expression completely impenetrable. He could remember when she’d hid nothing from him in those tourmaline depths. He’d seen love there before she’d ever spoken the words.

  The restlessness of the students while they waited for him to begin, brought him back to reality, severing his brief connection with Julia. As he tried to collect his thoughts, it dawned on him she was here to observe the class in the role of professional consultant.

  No doubt I’ve done a dandy job of impressing her so far. When he finally managed to overcome his tongue-tied state, he began his class, but it took an exhausting amount of self-control to keep his eyes averted from Julia.

  Fifteen minutes before the session ended, she slipped silently from the room. The chill that pervaded his heart at her absence made those last fifteen minutes the most trying of all.

  ***

  Julia made her way to Spencer’s office on unsteady legs and knocked on his door. When no one answered, she went inside, immediately sinking onto the leather couch near his desk. She desperately needed a private place to catch her breath and give her racing heart a moment to recover.

  When Marc’s eyes had met hers in the classroom, she felt as if she sustained a harsh blow to her midsection. Only her iron will kept her from visibly reacting to his presence. Julia wrapped her arms around herself, wondering how she’d ever get through this assignment being in the same building with him.