Holding On

by Meg Jolie

  “Mint green?” Jake asked as he crinkled up his face.

  “Yellow?” Quinn shot back at him.

  “We could be totally original. How about orange?”

  “Oh please, tell me you’re joking,” she moaned.

  He shrugged, looking as though the idea might actually suit him. But then he glanced at his wife’s horrified face. “Okay. Fine. No orange.”

  “I just want to have everything ready,” Quinn explained. “Once the baby is here, I just want to be able to enjoy him or her. I don’t want to have to worry about painting or shopping or anything else. You know?”

  “Yeah, I know,” Jake agreed. He did see her side of it. Yet, he wasn’t completely convinced. He thought about it for a few minutes. “Maybe we could get two sets of bedding and just return one? And couldn’t I paint the room as soon as the little one is here? It won’t take me long. A day at the most. We’ll have everything else ready to go. I mean, the crib can be set up. And besides, didn’t you say it won’t sleep in its room right away? Isn’t that why your mom got us one of those little roly carts? For it to sleep in our room?”

  “A roly cart?” Quinn asked as she started to laugh. “Babe. It’s called a bassinet.”

  Jake frowned as he pulled into the parking lot of the first furniture store on Quinn’s list. She’d called around to see who carried baby furniture and not all of them did. She refused to order out of a catalog or online because she wanted to be able to see it in person. He hadn’t argued because he wanted to make sure whatever they bought wasn’t some chintzy piece of junk being passed off as quality.

  “A bassinet, okay. Got it,” he said. He was not amused that she’d found humor in his blunder. He shook his head and looked at Quinn who was still giggling. “I’m going to suck at this,” he said. His voice had taken on a worried edge and his expression was serious. He turned his head so he was staring straight ahead. At the brick wall of the building in front of him. His fingers tapped nervously against the steering wheel. “I’ve never changed a diaper. I’ve never made a bottle. The only time I’ve ever even held a baby was at some family reunion when one was shoved at me. It cried the whole time. It was terrible. And even that was years ago. Hell! Apparently I don’t even know what a baby sleeps in!”

  “Jake,” Quinn said softly. Her amusement had abruptly ended as she put a comforting hand on his shoulder. His sudden rambling confession was the first she’d heard that he might be a little nervous about this. Jake had always, always been so confident and sure of himself. She’d never seen this side of him before. “You’ll be fine. It’ll come to you and you’ll figure it all out.”

  He shook his head as he turned off the engine. “Hearing the heartbeat…It made it all so real. And the truth is…I might really suck at this. I’m probably going to really suck at this because I have no idea what I’m doing. What if I’m a horrible dad?”

  “You’re going to be a great dad,” Quinn assured him. She meant it all the way down to her very soul. “You already are. I mean…you already love this baby, right?”

  He blinked at her, startled that she even asked. “Yeah. Yeah, of course I do! I love the two of you so much it hurts sometimes.”

  Quinn took a moment to let his words sink in. She knew they were true but that was the first time he’d worded it that way.

  “Alright,” she said, “right there, as far as I’m concerned, is ninety-nine percent of what it takes. The rest will come.”

  He looked at her, clearly not quite convinced.

  “Are you forgetting that I’ve never done this either?” she asked. “Yes, I did some babysitting but that was years ago. And it’s not really the same thing. We’ll learn as we go.”

  “What if we make mistakes?” Jake demanded. The look on his face made it clear that the thought terrified him. And that he’d been thinking of it. Often. “I mean, what if we really mess up bad?”

  Quinn couldn’t help but laugh. “We are going to make mistakes. Both of us. No doubt about it. Did I ever tell you that Mom said the first night she had me home she swung around and knocked my head right into the doorframe?”

  Jake cringed.

  “And your mom told me that it took your dad nearly a month to stop putting your diapers on backwards.” Jake muttered something under his breath and Quinn continued. “At least these days they have little pictures on the front to make it easier. But the point is, look how fabulously you turned out. So yes, it’s going to happen. We just deal with it and learn from it, I guess,” she said with a diplomatic shrug.

  Jake let out a sigh. “You really think I’ll be okay at this?”

  “Yes,” she said firmly, “I do.” Then she paused and grinned at him. “I mean, come on, you’ve never been a husband before either. And you totally rock at it.”

  A slow smile spread across his face and he shook his head.

  “Okay, so are you good? Is this little pep talk over?” Quinn teased. “Because I really want to go look at some cribs.”

  “Yes,” he said. “It’s over. Let’s go look at cribs.”

  *~*~*

  Three stores and several hours later they had purchased a crib, a dresser, a toy box and a glider that Jake had insisted upon. Quinn was ear to ear smiles at the thought of Jake rocking their baby on it. It would all be delivered within the week.

  Jake had already cleared out the spare bedroom, moving most of it to the garage. The desk that he sometimes used for work he’d crammed into the living room. The bedroom, now completely empty, was ready to be filled with baby things.

  After their shopping excursion had ended Jake had insisted on taking Quinn out for ice-cream. They’d chosen their favorite little place that had a patio in the front so they could eat in the sunshine. Ice-cream was one thing that Quinn craved constantly. That and Oreos dipped in milk, which she’d never been terribly fond of before. Now she couldn’t get enough of them. Jake had been asked to stop for a new package on his way home from work more than once.

  “I’m going to be big as a moose if I keep this up,” she said with a frown. She swirled the banana around in her banana split. She was contemplating whether or not to finish.

  “Oh no, you don’t,” Jake said. He found her foot under the table and tapped the side of it with his own. “You’re perfect, the doctor said so. Right on track.”

  “Well…now…” Quinn started. She eyed up the melting mess. “But—”

  “But,” Jake said interrupting, “we’ll go home and find a fun way to burn it off. Then you won’t have to worry about a thing,” he teased.

  Quinn pretended to consider that for a moment. “Deal,” she said as she popped another bite into her mouth. After she finished the rest of her dessert, she pushed the bowl away. “You know what else is a good reason for finding out the sex ahead of time?”

  “No idea,” Jake said as he finished off his ice-cream too.

  “A name. We need to decide on a name,” Quinn pointed out. “I mean, I know we have months until we have to really decide. But it would be nice to have some idea—”

  “Mike,” Jake interjected.

  “Mike?” Quinn asked as she scrunched up her face.

  “What’s wrong with Mike?” Jake demanded. “It’s a perfectly good name. It’s a strong, solid name. No one ever teased a kid named Mike. I can guarantee it.”

  Quinn frowned as she tried to picture a teeny-tiny precious newborn in her arms…and everyone calling him…Mike.

  “That just…that just really doesn’t work for me,” she carefully told Jake. It seemed as if he’d actually put some thought into this. She didn’t want to shoot him down but…No. Mike just was not happening.

  “I know you like Oliver. But that name is just so—” He cut himself off when he saw Quinn’s eyebrows shoot up. A clear sign he might want to watch what he was about to say. “Well, it’s not a solid name like Mike is.”

  “I don’t really know if I want to base a name choice on whether or not the name is…solid,” she admitted as s
he made a face at him. She was almost afraid to ask what exactly he even meant by ‘solid’.

  “Well I just don’t want any names that are prissy,” he explained as he clanked his spoon against his empty bowl.

  “Prissy?”

  “Not that Oliver is prissy,” he was quick to say. “But you know…I just meant prissy names in general.”

  “Right,” Quinn said with a knowing shake of her head. A smile was fighting its way onto her lips despite herself. “And if it’s a girl? Does she need a solid name too?”

  “Nah,” Jake said as he leaned back in his chair. “We don’t even have to think about that. It’s a boy. You just wait and see.”

  11

  “Quinn are you eating enough? You look a little skinny. And are you sure you’re getting enough folic acid? And sleep? Is Jake helping you with the housework, or is he making you do everything?” Margo pursed her lips as she looked her daughter over. She gave her head a subtle shake. She was clearly unhappy with what she saw. “You look a little tired. You know, now is the time to catch up on your sleep because once that baby is here—”

  “Mom!” Carly cried. She waved toward Quinn and smiled. “She looks beautiful. Leave her alone!”

  “I didn’t say she didn’t look beautiful. She always looks beautiful. I just think she looks a little tired. That’s all,” Margo explained. She looked like she wanted to make a tsk-tsking sound but was refraining. “And I think she should be putting on a little more weight. She’s a bit on the scrawny side. I mean, I know she’s always been a little scrawny but now, now she should really aim for a healthier weight.”

  “I’m doing great Mom, thanks. The doctor has no problem with my weight,” Quinn noted dryly. She glanced at Carly who rolled her eyes. She wasn’t even going to address the issue with Jake. He worked full time and insisted she didn’t. The least she could do was keep the house clean on her own, for heaven’s sake. And it wasn’t like the two of them were messy. But it wasn’t worth addressing that. She’d rather just ignore it.

  “I need to set this on the table,” she said as she lifted the bowl in her hands. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  The McGraths were throwing their annual Fourth of July Neighborhood Barbeque. They’d thrown them ever since Quinn had known them. Including, of course, back when the Johnsons and the McGraths had been neighbors. After they’d moved, Tom and Nora had still always invited the Johnsons. More years than not, they’d attended. Quinn had always attended, even when her parents were off doing something else. This year was no different.

  It was another beautiful summer day. She couldn’t help but think what a wonderful summer it had been so far. A light breeze flitted around the bottom of her skirt and made her hair dance gently across the back of her neck.

  She swerved her way through the crowded back yard, greeting people along the way.

  She waved to Tom who grinned and waved a grilling utensil back at her. The McGraths provided the steaks, hot dogs and burgers. Tom already had his grilling well under way. There were several long folding tables set up to hold all of the food people brought for the potluck.

  Jake had been dragged off by a group of guys the second they’d stepped out of his truck. Quinn had laughed and shooed him away. The moment she’d stepped into the backyard, she’d been bombarded by her mother. Not in a hurry to get back to her mother, Quinn took her time arranging her pasta salad. She shifted other dishes around, trying to make everything look just right. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she fidgeted.

  “What are you looking for, sweetheart?” Nora asked. She had appeared next to Quinn. Her eyes scanned the picnic table Quinn was standing in front of. “Did I forget to put something out? Can I help you find something?”

  “Oh,” Quinn said. She felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment at being caught. “I was just looking for Luke. Is he running late?”

  Nora gave Quinn a sad smile. Quinn realized, for the first time, that Nora was likely well aware of the accidental love triangle.

  “He’s not coming,” she said. Her voice was full of sympathy. She also knew just how long Quinn and Luke had been friends. She knew this was not just hard on Luke but Quinn as well.

  Quinn frowned at that. Luke had never missed the annual barbeque before. Her heart sank, deciding that she was the reason why. Had she known, she would’ve skipped the picnic so that Luke didn’t feel that he had to. It was at his parents’ house, after all.

  “He thought about it. In fact, I did actually expect him to come. But he called at the last minute to say he’d been invited over to a friend’s. I was stood up for a better offer, I guess,” she said lightly.

  Quinn nodded, trying not to show her disappointment. Maybe Luke really did just have a better offer. She hoped that was it. She didn’t want to think that he was still avoiding her. Yet the look on his mom’s face made her think that was very possibly the case.

  “Oh, okay. I was just hoping he’d be here,” Quinn said as she forced a smile. She plucked a fruit kabob off of a platter. Instead of taking a bite, she twirled it lazily through the air. “I haven’t talked to him since the wedding. I was just wondering how he was doing.”

  Nora gave her shoulder a squeeze and then left her hand there, trying to offer some comfort. She leaned in, to keep their conversation as private as possible. “He’s doing okay, Quinn. He asks about you a lot. He’s always wondering if you’re doing okay and if things are going smoothly with the baby.”

  Quinn was surprised by this. But only for a moment because this was Luke that they were talking about. She knew that he hadn’t talked to Jake much the past few weeks. She was glad to hear he was still keeping in touch with his mom. She knew it wasn’t that he didn’t still care about her. Of course, that wasn’t it at all. The problem was simply that he cared too much.

  “I miss talking to him,” she admitted. Then her eyes found Jake across the lawn. As always, he made her heart swirl in her chest. He was playing catch with some of the younger kids from the neighborhood. “I mean, it’s not that…It’s just…” She stammered as she turned her attention back to Mrs. McGrath.

  “I know sweetheart,” Nora said. Her voice was soft and soothing and not accusatory as Quinn feared it might be. “You two have been friends since forever.” She laughed as she finally moved away just a bit. “I’ll never forget the trouble you two always used to find. You were like a pair of little trouble-finding magnets. Remember when the two of you were so proud of yourselves for catching a bucket full of tadpoles?”

  Quinn groaned and scrunched up her face at the memory. They’d worn rubber boots and had trudged out to a swampy area that surrounded a neighbor’s house. It had taken them a good part of the afternoon but between the two of them, they’d gotten quite the collection. “I am still so sorry about that.”

  Nora laughed again. The McGraths had gone on vacation, not knowing that nine year- old Luke had a bucket full of tadpoles in his room. When they returned home after a week, the tadpoles had hatched. Luke’s carpeting was full of dried up, crunchy frogs.

  “Yes,” Nora agreed. “It was pretty awful. Downright frightful, actually. Tom thought we could just scrape them off and shampoo the carpet.” She shuddered and grimaced at the memory. “I insisted on having it all torn up and replaced. Then there was the time I came home to find the ceiling covered in chocolate.”

  Quinn giggled at the memory. “I swear I was just trying to teach him how to make brownies.”

  Luke had pulled the mixers, still whirling madly, out of the bowl of batter. The popcorn textured ceiling had been sprayed with the chocolaty mix. When Nora and Tom had come home, they’d been convinced the teens had thrown a wild party. They couldn’t scrub the chocolate off without making the ceiling crumble. Instead, Tom had insisted Luke repaint the whole thing.

  “What kind of party would we have that included baking?!” Luke had demanded. “Do you think we were having a bake-off or something?”

  “That boy still can’t do much more than
boil water,” Nora said affectionately. “Thank goodness for frozen pizza or he would probably starve.”

  Quinn smiled, thinking about Luke’s unfortunate lack of cooking skills. She sighed, realizing yet again how much she missed her best friend.

  “Is he seeing anyone?” she wondered. Please say yes, she silently begged.

  Nora scoffed. “That isn’t the kind of thing he cares to discuss with me. He never really has. And well, now the subject appears to be completely off limits. Your guess is as good as mine.”

  “I wish things would’ve worked out with him and Tabitha. She seemed to really like him a lot,” Quinn said.

  Luke’s mom crumpled up her face. “I didn’t care too much for that one. She was a snippy little thing. Let me tell you! I want him to meet someone and of course I want him to be happy. But I think it’s for the best that it fizzled between those two. She would’ve made him miserable in the long run.”

  Quinn had always thought so too, but wondered if she’d only felt that way because it had always been clear Tabitha didn’t care for her all that much. They’d been civil, sure, but nowhere near friends. It made Quinn feel a slight bit better to think that maybe it wasn’t just her.

  “How does he like his job?” Quinn finally asked. She was determined to keep the conversation neutral.

  Nora frowned slightly. “He won’t flat-out admit it but I don’t think he likes it too much. I know that he wanted to get out on his own. But working for his dad, he would’ve started right at the top. Where he’s at now, he’s one of the newest employees. He doesn’t make nearly as much and he’s on-call a lot. As you know this is a busy time of year. He gets scheduled with more overtime than he’d like, usually evenings and weekends. On the other hand,” she said as she gave a delicate one-shouldered shrug, “it keeps him extremely busy. And that might not be a bad thing.”

  Quinn looked away, feeling guilty once more. Now, on top of everything else, she’d just learned that Luke didn’t really like his job. A job he wouldn’t have had to take if she hadn’t inadvertently chased him away.