Holding On

by Meg Jolie

  Poor guy, she thought with a sigh. He’s just getting it from all sides.

  “I actually think this might be good for him, though,” Nora continued. “It just means that when he finally does come back to the family business, he’ll just appreciate it that much more.”

  “Do you really think he’ll be back?” Quinn quickly asked.

  “Yes,” his mom answered decisively. “I think this break is good for both Jake and Luke. Working with a sibling everyday can become taxing. They’ve never really been apart. I think some distance will help them appreciate each other a little bit more.” She laughed. “You know, those two have been bickering about you their whole lives,” she said with an affectionate smile. “Jake used to tease Luke mercilessly for playing with a girl when they were young. Then he started teasing Luke for an entirely different reason. Then when you started dating Jake, Luke—” She cut herself off abruptly as a guilty look spread across her face. “Never mind. I’m so sorry. That just slipped out.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” Quinn said softly. “I never meant to cause problems between them.”

  “I know you didn’t. And you can’t think of any of this as your fault. Because it’s not,” she was quick to say. She looked truly embarrassed over her faux pas. “It’s just, well, life throws unexpected things at you. You have to learn to deal with them. And right now, that’s what Luke is doing. He’s learning to deal with it.”

  He’s learning to deal with it…The words echoed unpleasantly through Quinn’s head. He’s learning to deal with me and what has happened to us, to our friendship, she thought. For the first time she realized that things between her and Luke were never going to be the same. Even if he did finally learn to “deal with it” things were going to be irrevocably different. She had a feeling that the easy friendship that they had once shared was now always going to be marred by the choices they had both made.

  Nora, sensing that Quinn’s mind was stuck in an unpleasant place, gave her shoulder another reassuring squeeze. “You look marvelous. Are you still feeling okay?”

  “Yes,” Quinn said as she forced a smile back onto her face. “Other than feeling kind of lousy the first month or so, I’ve felt great.” And even that hadn’t been much to complain about. She hadn’t actually suffered from morning sickness, just fatigue. Overall, she’d had a very easy pregnancy so far. Granted, she had a long way to go. But she was grateful all the same.

  “Oh, it looks like your mother is heading our way,” Nora said. She was smiling sweetly, the wariness nearly unnoticeable. Unnoticeable to anyone other than Quinn. “I’ll just mosey on over to visit with the Maltrueds. That will give the two of you some space.”

  “Thank you so much,” Quinn said. Her voice was lightly edged in sarcasm.

  Nora winked at her. “No problem sweetheart.”

  *~*~*

  “That rotten jack-ass!” Carly hissed.

  “What?” Quinn asked. She glanced around the McGrath’s backyard in confusion. The party was winding down. Quinn had started straightening a few things up. Carly had been following her around, pretending to help. “Who’s a…Oh!” she said.

  “Yeah. Oh,” Carly mumbled.

  Jesse was just arriving.

  But he wasn’t alone.

  A leggy blond who looked suspiciously like Carly was clinging to his side.

  “He knew I’d be here without a date,” Carly said with a scowl. She pulled her eyes away from him and started in on some real clean-up just to look busy.

  “He knew you’d be here alone and yet…you didn’t ask him to come here with you,” Quinn guessed.

  Carly stopped to stare at her. Her hands were full of discarded paper goods that people had not bothered to throw away.

  Quinn snapped another lid on a questionable dish but didn’t back down.

  “Of course not,” Carly told her. She sounded surprised that Quinn would ask. “That’s not how we do things.”

  “Well,” Quinn said carefully, “maybe he’s tired of doing things that way. Maybe if you’d give him just a little bit of encouragement he’d actually ask you out.”

  “He has asked me out,” Carly mumbled as she dumped everything into a nearby trashcan. She stole another glance at Jesse. He had his back to her. His arm was slung around the blonde’s shoulders and he was chatting with Jake.

  “Wait,” Quinn said as she took a break from her lid snapping. “He’s asked you out? Did he ask you to come here with him?”

  Carly shifted uncomfortably as she moved away from the sparse crowd. The majority of the guests had left but a few remained. Quinn followed her off to the side.

  “Maybe,” Carly admitted.

  “Carly!” Quinn said as she smacked her shoulder. “What is wrong with you?! A guy you like asks you out…You say ‘yes’!”

  “I never said I liked him,” Carly grumbled.

  Quinn shook her head so hard her curls bounced. “You! You make me crazy sometimes. Of course you like him. If you didn’t, why would you care if he’s here with someone else?”

  “It’s just…” Carly tugged at the end of her long ponytail. She stole yet another peek at Jesse from under her lashes.

  “That you two have played games for so long that the thought of actually trying something real scares the hell out of you?” Quinn asked. She had her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed at her sister.

  Carly’s face crumpled and her shoulders slumped. “I liked him so much for so long, Quinn. I mean, I know I was young but I really thought I was in love with him. And he used me. And then he tossed me aside and I just let him. I was just some plain looking, self-conscious teenager who threw herself at him. I mean, part of me knows it’s not really his fault. Not completely anyway, but still. He hurt me.”

  Quinn wanted to pull Carly into a hug. But she knew her sister would not appreciate that kind of attention with Jesse so close by. She remembered vividly the day she’d found out Carly had given up her virginity while Quinn still held on firmly to hers. Carly had locked herself in her room, buried herself under her covers and had become a sobbing mess. Quinn had picked the lock and then pried the truth out of her little sister.

  “I know he did,” Quinn said softly. “But you’ve been trying to hurt him back ever since. The problem is that you just keep hurting yourself, too. In fact, I think you’re hurting yourself more than you hurt him.”

  Carly wanted to deny it but it was pointless. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and blew out a breath. “I know. But we’ve been doing this for so long. It’s hard to stop.”

  “He seems ready to stop,” Quinn said. “I mean, if he’s been asking you out. I’d say he’s ready for more than…well, you know. Whatever it is the two of you’ve been doing.”

  Carly seemed to be tossing that idea around in her head. She had thought maybe he was, but hearing it from someone else made it sound more likely.

  “Do you really think?” she wondered.

  Quinn nodded. “Yeah, I do. I’ve seen him watching you. And I’ve seen the two of you together. He looks like he cares about you, Carly. Not like he’s just after a good time. Or…whatever,” she said uncomfortably.

  She was used to Carly’s sometimes wild behavior and partying ways. But she didn’t exactly approve of it. She thought her sister was better than that. She just wished Carly would see that too.

  Her sister nodded slowly. Her eyes scanned the crowd, easily finding Jesse. “So. I should go talk to him.” She took off, ready to do just that.

  Quinn trotted along behind her, catching her by the elbow. She latched on and stopped her in her tracks.

  “Um, Carly? Really? Do you really think this is a good time?” Quinn cast a pointed glance toward his date.

  Carly shrugged. “Her? I’ve seen her with him before. It…it doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Even still,” Quinn said carefully, “they did come together. I definitely think you two should talk things out. But right now?” She shook her head. “It’s not the time. I mean,
you’ve waited this long. Why not wait until tomorrow?”

  Carly seemed to be contemplating this and Quinn was watching her. She didn’t notice Jake coming up behind her. When he did he looped his arms around her waist and gave her a gentle backwards hug.

  “Hey you two beautiful ladies,” he said. He bent down a bit so he could rest his chin on her shoulder. She made a happy little sound and leaned back against his chest. “It looks like you’ve got a pretty serious conversation going on here. But if you’re about done we’re getting ready to play horseshoes. Do you want to play?”

  Carly’s eyes darted over to the expanse of the backyard where stakes were being pounded into the ground. Jesse, it appeared, was the one doing the pounding. She seemed to steel herself with her resolve. “Are Jake and Barbie or Bambi or Bunny or…or was it just flat out Bimbo? Whatever the hell her name is…Are they playing?”

  “It’s actually Betsy. And yeah, sorry, they are,” Jake said. He was completely unaffected by her bitter mood. He was also very aware of the situation because he and Jesse had been friends since high school. “So if you don’t want to stay it’s—”

  “Singles or doubles?” she asked. Her eyes were narrowed as she scoped out the competition.

  “Doubles,” Jake told her.

  “We’ll play,” she said decisively. She tugged her sister out of Jake’s grasp. “But Quinnie is my partner.”

  Quinn gave Jake a knowing smile and a shrug. She’d had no doubt Carly would want to play. She was competitive in more ways than one.

  Jake grinned and shook his head at Carly. “Yeah, I kinda figured she would be.”

  12

  “It didn’t go well,” Quinn noted as she opened the door to see her sister standing there.

  Carly’s eyes were red-rimmed. Her hair, which was usually so perfect, was in a low, sloppy ponytail. Clearly, it was a functional style meant solely to keep it off of her tear-streaked face. She clutched a stack of tissues in one hand. She’d called Quinn on her way over, simply saying she was on her way but not saying why. Quinn had noted the distress in her voice and had a very good guess as to the reason why. Carly’s appearance had left her with no doubt.

  “No,” she sniffled as Quinn stepped back to let her in. “It didn’t go well at all. He agreed to meet me for lunch. But we never actually even got out of the car.”

  Quinn grabbed her sister by the elbow and led her into the living room. When they were both seated on the couch Quinn let out a sigh. “Okay, let’s hear it,” she said.

  A few weeks had passed since the picnic. Carly had told Quinn she was waiting for Jesse to call her again. Because typically, he would. Sometimes it took longer than others but he always, always seemed to come back. This time, it was taking him longer than Carly was willing to tolerate.

  So she’d finally gone to him.

  “I lost him. I held on to my anger for too long and I lost him. He left Betsy once before for me. He told me he promised her he wouldn’t do it again,” she explained as she tried to lock down her tears. She sniffled instead. Her face showed all of the misery and disappointment that she was feeling. “He said he thought this time, this summer, he and I would make things work.” She shrugged but looked completely bereft. “I didn’t know. He didn’t tell me that. So how was I supposed to just know? And well, we didn’t. We didn’t make it work. We did what we always do. I didn’t know that he was done with it. I didn’t know he was ready to get serious. I mean, he asked me out, sure. But he always does. He said he had to beg Betsy to take him back and…and he just wasn’t going to do that to her again.”

  “Oh, Carly, I’m so sorry,” Quinn said. She pulled her sister into a hug. She felt Carly’s tears dampen her shoulder as she rubbed her back. After a few moments, Carly seemed to pull herself together again. She released Quinn and sat back, slumped back into the couch really, as she stared off at nothing.

  “It’s probably for the best. I still have two more years of school left. We can’t even make things work when we’re together. How would we ever make them work when we’re apart?” She shook her head and a new stream of tears began to fall. “Besides, he clearly really cares for Betsy. He was very adamant about not hurting her again.” Her tone was edged with bitterness. Because he had, yet again, unintentionally hurt her.

  Quinn sighed. She was terrible with dating advice. While of course she’d dated some, she’d never dated excessively like her sister had. A small part of her wondered if she really wanted Jesse. Or if she only thought she wanted him now because she couldn’t have him. She would never, ever dare admit that.

  Even though it was on her mind.

  Nor would she point out that they hadn’t really tried to make it work. Not that she was aware of, anyway.

  “I even baked him a pie!” Carly wailed. The words seemed to come out of nowhere. “I baked him a pie! And this is what he does to me?”

  “Maybe,” Quinn carefully began, “a break from each other would be good for you. Maybe taking a break…waiting out this thing with Betsy…letting your emotions settle down. Maybe it’ll be good for you?”

  Carly clearly didn’t agree with that. “What if this thing with Betsy doesn’t end?”

  Quinn made a sympathetic face. She knew her words were not going to go over well. But they needed to be said. “Then maybe you and Jesse simply aren’t meant to be together.”

  “How can you say that?” Carly huffed.

  Quinn wanted to ask how she could not say that. Two people should not constantly be putting each other through what Carly and Jesse were constantly putting each other through. It was exhausting and disheartening enough for Quinn to watch. She couldn’t imagine actually living through it. Not for years on end like her sister had been doing. She didn’t dare point that out. Carly was not in the mood for it.

  “It was just a thought,” Quinn meekly told her. She wanted to continue on and tell Carly that she was sure to find someone else. She wanted to say that she was sure there was someone out there more fitting for her. Someone who would love her and treat her the way she should be treated. Someone that would be the perfect fit.

  However, it all sounded a little too clichéd and Quinn knew her sister well enough to know that she wouldn’t appreciate it. So she kept the thoughts to herself. In all honesty, she wasn’t even sure that Carly wanted to be comforted. She thought it was very likely she just needed someone to vent to. Someone to listen to her while she cried. Someone who wouldn’t point out all of the obvious things that Quinn had just been thinking.

  “I am sorry,” Quinn said, trying again. The most simplistic response seemed to be the best.

  Carly let out a shaky breath. “Me too. It’s my own fault. It’s always my fault. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Every relationship I’ve ever been in…I’ve blown.”

  Quinn didn’t respond to that. She knew Carly didn’t need a pep talk. She needed to have some time to wallow. When she was done wallowing, she’d snap herself out of it. Quinn was sure of it. Because that’s what Carly did. So she just sat in silence with her for a while. Just being there for her sister without actually saying anything.

  It was Carly who finally broke the silence. She tended to strongly agree that misery loves company.

  “Have you heard from Luke?” she asked.

  “Nope,” Quinn said. She did not really want to talk about it. Yet she felt that if it took Carly’s mind of Jesse, she’d be willing to do that for her sister.

  “Whoever would’ve guessed,” Carly mused. “All those years you were lusting after him…and he was lusting after you too.”

  She faded off and Quinn had to fight to not roll her eyes. She was fairly certain that what she’d been doing hadn’t been lusting after Luke. She was pretty sure at one point, she’d actually loved him. She loved him still, of course, but as a friend. And, odd as it was, as a brother-in-law.

  “Looks like both of us sort of suck at communication,” Carly decided.

  Quinn couldn’t disagree. “Yeah
, looks like it.”

  “Do you think it’s going to be weird? I mean, between the two of you? Or I guess, really, the three of you? When he comes back?”

  Quinn let out a frustrated laugh. “It’s weird now. At least, I don’t think it can get any worse. Of course, I shouldn’t say that because you never know.”

  Carly was quiet again. But this time, Quinn could tell she wasn’t thinking about herself. She was almost worried to find out what Carly was thinking.

  “You know,” she finally said. “I like Jake. I really do. He treats you great and it’s so obvious how in love the two of you are…”

  Quinn bristled. “Why in the world do I feel a ‘but’ heading my way?”

  Carly shrugged guiltily. “But I always thought it would be you and Luke. Always.”

  Quinn wanted to retaliate but she couldn’t even come up with a response that was worthy. Because she, too, had always in the back of her mind, thought the same thing.

  “Have you ever told Jake what a huge crush you had on Luke?”

  “No,” Quinn said with a shake of her head. “Maybe I will someday, but like you said, things are strained enough. I mean, with the way Luke feels. I don’t want to add to that.”

  “Do you still love Luke?” Carly demanded in the no-nonsense way that only she could get away with. Or at least almost get away with.

  Quinn smacked her across the shoulder. “What kind of question is that?”

  Carly grinned. “An honest one! I was just wondering if that’s why you didn’t want to bring it up to Jake.”

  “No,” Quinn firmly replied. “Not the way you’re implying. I love Jake. Completely. We’re married. We’re having a baby. I don’t want to bring it up now because it would be pointless to bring it up now.”

  She had expected Carly to disagree. But she didn’t. A comfortable silence fell between them once again.

  “Thanks,” Carly said after a while. “Thanks for always listening to me when I lose it.”

  “That’s what sisters are for,” Quinn pointed out. “You’ve listened to me lose it more times than I can count.”