Holding On

by Meg Jolie

He shot a few quick glances her way. “Doesn’t she need to be there? I mean, you want her there right?”

  She shook her head. She really didn’t want her mom there. “Having my mom there? It would be too stressful,” she explained.

  He didn’t argue. He had no doubt Quinn was right about that. “Can you call Carly?” he demanded.

  She shook her head again. Carly was several hours away. “It’s the middle of the night. She’d drive like a maniac to get here and probably end up in a wreck.”

  “Lily?” he tried.

  “It would take her an hour to get here. And she works in the morning. She just started at her job. I can’t ask her to take time off.” Otherwise, Lily would’ve been a good choice.

  “Jemma?!” he finally asked. His tone held a mixture of frustration and desperation.

  “Jemma?” she parroted back.

  Jemma who claimed to not even want to have her own kids? Jemma who would probably prefer to skip the birth of her own kids, if she could? She grimaced at the thought of Jemma in the delivery room trying to coach her, or calm her. Oh, heaven help her. No. She loved her. But no.

  “You weren’t planning on doing this alone, were you?” he finally asked. When she didn’t answer, his gaze swung back around to her. They were nearing the hospital and the streetlights cast just enough of a glow that he could see her face.

  She was wearing her stubborn look and he sighed.

  Her silence was his answer. No. She hadn’t planned on doing this alone. She’d planned on doing this with Jake. She hadn’t made a back-up plan yet. She thought she had another month to deal with it.

  “You’re not doing this alone,” he said firmly. “You need to call Carly. Or someone. You need to call someone.”

  She didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to argue with him.

  “Do you want me to call my mom? You know she’d come in a heartbeat,” he told her. In fact, he knew that his mom would feel honored to be there.

  Quinn knew he was right. Nora would be there in a heartbeat. She would be thrilled and most likely she would be wonderful. She would be calming and comforting. She would know exactly what to say and do. But if she called his mom and not her own, it would break her mom’s heart.

  “Thanks but no,” she decided.

  He let out an exasperated growl as he turned into the parking lot. “You need to stop being so difficult! You need to have someone with you Quinn. I might not know crap about having a baby. But I know it has to be scary as hell. And I know it’s not easy. I know you’re going to need someone there to support you.”

  “No, I don’t,” she argued quietly as she rubbed her stomach. The contractions were completely noticeable at this point. But also completely bearable. “I can handle this. It’s just me and you, right?” she asked her bulging belly.

  “Quinn…Don’t do this. Please don’t be stubborn about this,” Luke pleaded. “Not now. This is too big. It’s too important.”

  “I’m not being stubborn,” she argued. “It’s just…” It was just that she really didn’t have anyone to call. “I can do this by myself.”

  Luke gave her a look that said he disagreed. It was a look she ignored.

  “You can just drop me off at the door.”

  He had the nerve to laugh at that.

  She glared back.

  “No. Not happening,” he said, the laughter gone.

  *~*~*

  Half an hour later, she was resting on the world’s most uncomfortable bed. Things were progressing along…nicely. At least, that’s what the nurse had last said. Painfully was more like it.

  By the time an hour had passed, doing this by herself no longer seemed like a good idea. She was seriously contemplating calling her mom, even though she really, really didn’t want to. Or Nora, she’d call Nora if it weren’t for the fact that her mother might never forgive her for it. She was already regretting not calling Carly the moment her water broke. She might’ve made it on time just fine. But now, as the time just kept creeping along…it made less and less sense to call her. She cursed the fact that it all had to be so complicated.

  The nurse bopped in and out of the room to check on her. She gave Quinn a stern, reproachful look.

  “Are you sure there isn’t anyone you can call?” she asked. It wasn’t the first time. She frowned as the question came out.

  Quinn gritted her teeth and shook her head.

  She didn’t want to admit it. Not to herself. Not to the nurse. But the truth was…she didn’t want to be alone. It had been an impulsive decision.

  When the nurse came in again, she sighed at Quinn who was trying to convince herself to read the magazine she’d packed. She wasn’t really reading it. On occasion, she was gripping it so tightly she was crumpling and tearing the pages.

  “There’s a gentleman outside who was wondering if he could have an update,” the nurse said as she cocked an eyebrow at her.

  “Luke?” she asked no one in particular. “He’s still here.” He’d walked her in. Stood by her side as she signed some paperwork. He’d frowned as the nurse referred to him as her husband. He hadn’t said a word as Quinn corrected her. He’d even followed her to her room. She hadn’t protested so neither had the nurse that led the way. Then he’d kissed her on the forehead said, “Love ya Quinnie,” and told her that everything would be okay.

  She’d told him to go home.

  She’d assumed he had. But now, she realized that was a silly assumption.

  “Handsome young man that looks as nervous as any new daddy I’ve ever seen?” the nurse asked.

  Quinn realized it had to be him. No one else would be asking about her. She nodded.

  The nurse gave her a kind smile. “Oh, yes. He’s been here the whole time. I didn’t know he belonged to you because this is the first time he’s asked for an update. Do you want me to give him an update?”

  “Can he come in?” Would he even want to come in? He hadn’t offered. But maybe, knowing Luke, he hadn’t wanted to push. Insisting she call one of her girlfriends or her family was one thing. Insisting on placing himself in her room was something else completely. Maybe he’d been waiting for her to ask. Another contraction ripped through her and this time she didn’t do the best at breathing through the pain.

  If Luke was out there, she was pretty sure the doors weren’t sound proof. He’d be going crazy.

  “You hang in there. I’ll go get him,” the nurse said after she waited Quinn’s contraction out. Then she patted her hand and swished out the door.

  Minutes later, just in time for another fierce wave of pain, Luke’s sweet, concerned face peeked through a crack in the door. He hesitated before saying, “Is it okay—”

  “Get in here. Now,” she said through clenched teeth. “Please.” The last came out as a whimper.

  He crossed the room and reached for her hand. “Don’t make me regret this,” he teased. She didn’t laugh. She squeezed his hand and he clenched his jaw.

  When it passed, she let go and took in a panting breath. “Don’t you dare go down there,” she said pointing to the end of the bed. “You stay right up here.”

  His face crumpled into a look of a comical revulsion. “Yeah. That’s not going to be a problem Quinn.”

  “Okay,” she said as she rested her head back in the pillows. She tried to catch her breath and relax before the next contraction hit.

  “So…any idea how much longer this will be?” She turned her head and glared at him. “Hey, don’t look at me like that,” he said with a soft laugh. He wiped a lock of her hair off of her cheek. “I’m just curious. It’s not like I have any experience with this. I know you don’t either. But at least you went to classes. I know you read some books. And women? They talk, don’t they?”

  “Yeah, they do. But I really don’t know.” She gave him an update. He gave her a blank face in return. He had no idea what most of what she said meant.

  “What’s an epidural?” he asked with a grimace.

  When she e
xplained it to him, that it more or less took away all of the pain, she nearly laughed at his expression of relief.

  “Good,” he said with a sigh. “I really hate seeing you this way.”

  She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry. Not now. But a single tear found its way out.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” She could feel her lip quivering as she quickly wiped away the tear with the back of her hand. She wanted Jake so badly she ached with it. But having Luke stay, knowing how hard this had to be for him, too. How emotional, it meant everything to her.

  Luke’s eyes were glossy with the threat of tears. “I would never leave you alone.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  He nodded and as her face creased in pain again, he reached for her hand once more. “I’m here for you. No matter how long it takes.”

  22

  “He’s beautiful. Isn’t he just beautiful?” Nora murmured. She was seated on the only chair in the room, gazing down at her grandson. He was nothing more than a tiny little face peeking out of a bundled up blanket. He was sleeping at the moment. Grunting and squirming at regular intervals.

  Margo had shown up first, flustered and disgruntled that Quinn hadn’t called her. She’d looked slightly horrified when Quinn admitted that Luke had been with her. Margo clearly did not think it was a place for a man who was not the father to be. She had just begun to chastise Quinn over it when Luke walked back into the room and cut her off. He had pointed out that Quinn had just gone through a seven hour ordeal. And she did not need to be reprimanded for anything at the moment.

  Margo had huffed at him but remained more or less silent over the matter.

  Now it was later in the day and both grandpas had already come and gone, needing to get back to work. But neither grandma looked as though they were going to leave willingly anytime soon. Luke had texted Carly close to morning and she’d jumped out of bed and made the drive, arriving shortly after the baby was born.

  “Do you have a name?” Nora asked hopefully.

  “Of course she has a name,” Margo admonished. Carly was standing right behind her and rolled her eyes. “She’d better have a name,” Margo continued. She sounded a little more unsure this time.

  Quinn nodded and swallowed down the knot of apprehension. She shifted slightly in the hospital bed. Her eyes darted around to the four remaining family members. They had crowded into her small—but thankfully private—room. She was exhausted but she didn’t want to sleep. She didn’t want to miss out on seeing her baby for a single second. And her company didn’t appear to want to leave. Jemma had popped in on her lunch break. She’d left with a promise that she’d return later in the day with Lily.

  For now, it was both grandmas and Carly and Luke.

  “I was thinking…” Her eyes flicked to Carly who gave her a small, encouraging smile. “Carter Lucas McGrath. If you’re okay with that?”

  “Oh, Quinn, are you sure?” Nora asked. Her eyes were filling with tears yet again. Carter had been her maiden name.

  Luke walked over to Quinn’s side. “You don’t have to do that,” he said softly.

  “It wasn’t my idea. It was Jake’s. We had a few first names picked out. But we couldn’t agree on any. Then one day he mentioned Carter and…well, we both really liked it,” she explained to Nora. Then she turned to Luke. “But he wanted the baby named after you from the start.”

  “He did?” Luke asked. His voice had become strained and he was visibly blinking back tears.

  Quinn nodded and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it back tightly and she said, “I mean, if you’re okay with that?”

  “Yeah,” Luke said, nodding emphatically. “That…I’d be honored.”

  “Well hello there little Carter,” Nora cooed to him again. He blinked at the sound of her voice and then closed his eyes once more. His grandma swiped away a tear that had trickled down. It wasn’t her first tear of the day and Quinn was certain it wouldn’t be her last. She knew how Nora felt.

  Quinn smiled at the tiny little bundle. She wanted to hold him desperately but thought maybe Nora needed to hold him, too. It was a bittersweet day for everyone in the room but she knew that Nora, especially, was fighting with her mixed emotions. She was so elated to meet her grandson and yet so heartbroken that her own son would never meet his child. She was clinging to the little bundle. Quinn couldn’t help but think that really, she was clinging to the living, breathing reminder of Jake.

  As much as she wanted to do the same, she let Nora have her moment. She knew that, she herself, would have plenty of time later.

  Margo smiled at the baby but didn’t seem quite as enthused about the name choice.

  “Yes,” Carly said, “hello little Carter.” Her hand floated up to the blanket and gently burrowed inside until she found a tiny little foot to squeeze.

  “Would you like to hold him?” Nora finally offered.

  Carly grinned and held out her arms. Nora passed him off; the tiny grunting, stretching little baby.

  “He feels like he doesn’t weigh anything!” Carly exclaimed as she gently bobbed him up and down.

  “Six pounds five ounces, was plenty big enough. Thank you very much,” Quinn told her sister.

  “Oh, I wish I could’ve been there,” Carly said as she stared at his sweet little face.

  “No, you probably don’t,” Quinn decided with a grimace.

  “Oh, come on, you did great,” Luke quietly told her.

  “It sounds like you did great, too,” Carly told Luke.

  Margo pursed her lips, sealing in some type of unhappy comment, Quinn was sure. She had never entirely understood Quinn and Luke’s friendship. A young boy and a young girl just didn’t spend that much time together when she was growing up. This went above and beyond what Margo was comfortable with.

  “It was actually pretty cool,” Luke admitted.

  “He even cut the cord,” Quinn said with a wry smile. Her mother frowned, just as Quinn knew she would. Somehow, Quinn found her reaction to be comical. She loved her mother but really, the woman just needed to lighten up.

  While Luke may not have been the ideal choice, he’d been exactly what she needed and she would be forever grateful. Now that it was over, she couldn’t have imagined going through it without his calm, steady support.

  The doctor had likely just assumed Luke was the father. He’d handed off the scissor to Luke as he told him what to do. Luke hadn’t hesitated. It was only after, when he looked back at Quinn, that he wondered if that had been okay. She’d smiled and told him it was fine. He knew he was never going to forget that first gasping, screaming gulp of air that the baby took. Or the look on Quinn’s face when the nurse placed the baby on her chest.

  And though he knew that none of it was his place…he wouldn’t give up the experience for anything. And he felt guilty as hell for it because he knew it shouldn’t have been him in there. It should’ve been Jake. The guilt twisted up his insides so tightly it made him sick at times. But he was trying not to show it.

  “Well,” Margo said brusquely, “I think it’s best if we don’t go advertising to everyone that Luke attended the birth.”

  “You know what Margo?” Nora said in a syrupy voice as she forced a smile. “I think you and I should head down to the cafeteria. I think we could really both use a cup of coffee.”

  Margo was clearly going to protest but Carly jumped in. “That’s a great idea, Mom. Can you bring me back a diet soda? And maybe a cookie? Thanks.”

  Margo paused, trying to manufacture an argument but Nora latched onto her elbow. “We won’t be long,” she said.

  She threw a smile over her shoulder at Quinn. Quinn gave her a grateful one in return.

  “Mom’s taking this well,” Carly sarcastically pointed out after the pair had left.

  Margo hadn’t been aware that Luke had been staying with Quinn. To find out he’d been staying there for the past few weeks and to find out he’d been present during what she thought was such an
inappropriate time was not sitting well with her. She had been taking every chance she could to let everyone know exactly how she felt.

  In short, she was bringing unneeded stress to Quinn.

  “What a surprise,” Luke wryly replied. He glanced at Quinn and made a face. “I don’t think she’s ever going to forgive me for not forcing you to call her the minute you went into labor.”

  Quinn shrugged. “She’ll get over it.” With every comment that had shot out of her mom’s mouth, she knew she’d made the right decision. Luke had been wonderful. She knew her mother, had she been there, would’ve made the experience a whole lot less bearable.

  “Do you want to hold him?” Carly asked Luke.

  He shook his head. While he didn’t entirely agree with Margo, he did feel very much as though he were overstepping boundaries. And he didn’t want to do that. Not anymore than he already had. He’d already held the baby when a nurse had stuffed him into Luke’s arms. Like with cutting the cord, the action had been so unexpected that Luke hadn’t had time to protest.

  “Oh, come on,” Carly pressed. “He’s our nephew! You must want to hold your nephew!”

  Quinn noted the conflicted look on Luke’s face. Her heart sank as she wondered what was going through his head.

  “I’ll take him,” she said.

  “Alright,” Carly relented. “I guess you really haven’t gotten to hold him much.”

  “I haven’t,” Quinn agreed as Carly handed him over. His little hat got stuck to her watch band and popped off.

  “Oh!” she squealed in delight. “Look at his little cone head!”

  Across the room, Luke looked at her in horror. Then his eyes swung to Quinn. She got the distinct impression he thought she might be insulted but she just laughed as she cradled the tiny, warm little bundle to her chest. “It’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”

  “I’ll say,” Carly giggled as she wedged the hat back onto Carter’s head. “But he’s still so precious,” she said. “His little head will look just fine in no time.”

  Luke’s eyes widened and he stepped forward. “You mean it’s not going to stay that way?”