Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

“Well?” I prompt him after he’s inspected my iPod.

  “You’re right; it seems to be working ok.”

  “I told you it was.” I add bitterly.

  He runs his hand through his hair as though he no longer knows what to say and I feel a pang of guilt for my rudeness towards him. He hasn’t done anything wrong and I’ve been treating him really badly. He doesn’t deserve that.

  “Do you mind me asking you what your name is?” He asks me with hesitation.

  “Bethany.” I blurt it out without even thinking and I mentally chastise myself for being so carless.

  “Bethany, I’m Jake.” He extends his hand out towards mine to shake and I take hold of it with caution. His hand is warm and strong, it squeezes mine slightly which makes me tremble, I try to disguise it as a sign of being cold but I don’t know if I was convincing.

  “You’re the one who’s dropped all of his shopping, let me help you.” I say in a friendly manner. My attitude has been appalling since we first met, I dread to think what his opinion of me must be; I’ve been so dismissive and cold since he started talking to me.

  I start gathering his belongings from the ground where they tumbled out of his shopping bags and after a few moments I realise that he’s just standing there and staring at me. I raise my eyebrows at him wondering what his problem is and this seems to jerk him into action. He shakes his head, forcing himself out of his trance and starts to help me collect all of the groceries that he spilt. We’re about to start putting them back into the carrier bags when I realise that they’ve both split.

  “Shit.” He mutters under his breath, making me smile.

  “What will you do now?” I challenge him.

  He freezes, both of his arms are weighed down with groceries and he obviously has no idea what he will do next. I try to hide my smirk from him, not wanting to appear unkind.

  “I have no idea.” He says disappointedly.

  “I kind of feel bad leaving you like this so I’m going to be a good Samaritan and help you out. I’ll hurry over to the corner shop I’ve just come from and grab you a couple more carrier bags, ok?”

  He looks taken aback by my offer and his eyes widen in surprise.

  “No! You don’t have to do that; I can probably manage by myself to carry this stuff home.” He actually drops a couple of items straight after he says he can manage which makes me chuckle. No way can he keep a hold of everything.

  “Yeah, you sure are handling things well over there.” I say sarcastically, smiling at him mischievously so he knows that I’m only joking.

  He grins at me before turning serious again. His eyes travel all the way down my body and back up again and I fidget from one foot to the other, feeling uncomfortable. No one’s ever looked at me like that before and I’m not sure if I like it or not.

  “I can’t let you go off on your own to help me out.” He says politely.

  “Just wait here, I’ll be right back.” I quickly turn away from him and head off into the direction of the shop before he can stop me.

  I ask the shop keeper for two more carrier bags and hurry back to where I left Jake. I hope he’s still waiting for me. After the way I’ve treated him I really wouldn’t blame him if he bailed on me. That’s why I’m taken aback when I see him waiting for me when I round the corner. He’s sitting down on the sidewalk that I was when he collided right into me.

  “I can’t believe you did that for me, thank you.” He says gratefully, standing up to greet me with a huge smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

  “Don’t worry about it.” I reply bashfully.

  He takes the bags from me and starts to place his groceries in them. I’d offer to help him but I’d rather stare at him instead. He’s unaware that my eyes are on him and I can observe everything about him when he’s not looking at me like he was earlier.

  “Once again, thank you.” He turns towards me with both of hands in his pockets. He’s repacked all of his shopping and placed it on the floor beside him, I feel like he’s about to say something else and I suppress the urge to flee, willing myself to behave maturely.

  “It’s not a problem. I’m glad I could help.”

  “So…” He takes a step closer towards me; his eyes are fixed on the pavement as though he’s self-conscious all of a sudden.

  “Well, I better get back home; it was nice to meet you.” I exhale nervously and pick up the pint of milk that fortunately survived our collision and start to walk away.

  “Wait!” He calls after me, jogging over towards me.

  “What?” I drag my fingers through my hair, wondering what on earth I must look like to this Godlike human being.

  “Can I at least walk you home? I really don’t feel comfortable letting you walk home by yourself, its dark and it really is getting late now.”

  “No, don’t be silly. My house really isn’t that far.” I turn to walk away again but his fingers circle my wrist, gently pulling me back towards him.

  “At least tell me why you were crying.” He speaks softly; his voice is laced with concern and sensitivity.

  “What business of that is yours? And why would you even think that I was crying?” I accuse him defensively. I had no idea that he’d noticed and the fact that he pretended to be oblivious infuriates me for some reason. It’s as though my weakness has already been exposed to him.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry; it’s just… I guess I just want to know that you’re ok.”

  “I’m fine!” I yell, startling us both.

  “But I know you were crying.” He persists gently.

  “So what if I was? What has that got to do with you?” I yell, moving closer towards him.

  “Nothing. It has absolutely nothing to do with me but I want to know.” He responds calmly, stroking his thumb against the sensitive skin on my wrist.

  “Look, I’m sorry I’m being such a bitch. I’m not normally like this.” I apologise.

  “Don’t say you’re sorry. You don’t have to apologise for anything.”

  I stare at him for a few seconds longer, wondering who this boy is and where he came from. I feel incredibly shy and awkward around him which makes me revert back to being impolite and rude. I really don’t know what he’s still doing here to be honest; why the hell does this guy want to prolong any encounter with me?

  “I guess I’m just not used to this.” I mumble feebly.

  “This?” He asks, clearing his throat optimistically.

  “You know, being alone with a stranger in the dark.”

  “I’m not going to hurt you.” He adds hastily.

  “I know that.” I tell him, meaning every word.

  He raises his eyebrows as if he’s surprised by my admittance.

  “Anyway, what were you doing out here by yourself? It really isn’t safe for a girl like you.”

  “A girl like me?” I ask him angrily.

  “No, wait, don’t take offence. I meant that as a compliment. You’re beautiful and that’s why you shouldn’t be out here on your own.”

  I gape at him in astonishment. Did he really just call me beautiful?

  “I can take care of myself.” I mumble feebly.

  He chuckles, reaching a hand out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. The feel of his skin against mine causes me to bite down on my bottom lip as I try to suppress a moan. His merest touch was like ecstasy to me.

  “Seriously, I meant what I said. I can walk you home, the offer still stands and I’d feel better knowing that you made it home alright.”

  If only it were possible for me to say yes. I’d like nothing more than to have him walk me home but I know that it can’t happen. I can’t even bring myself to think about the consequences of my father returning home early and catching me with Jake.

  “You don’t have to, I’ll be fine.”

  “Bethany, it’s dangerous for you to be out here by yourself and I’ll at least get a few more minutes to talk to you if you let me walk you home.”

>   I switch on my iPod and glance at the time, it’s still early and I’m certain that if I pas up this chance to spend more time with Jake then I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

  “Ok, I give in. You can walk me home.” I finally acquiesce.

  He beams at me, obviously delighted by my decision.

  We walk for a couple of minutes in silence and I start to wonder how I’m going to convince Jake to leave me a couple of minutes early so I can walk the remainder of the way myself. He can’t be seen anywhere near my house. I’m contemplating what excuse I can give him when Jake breaks the silence.

  “So… this is really embarrassing and I’m sorry if it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable but I really need to know if you have a boyfriend.” He keeps his gaze on the ground, refusing to look at me as I openly stare at him.

  “That’s kind of random.”

  “I know. I’m sorry but like I said, I need to know.”

  “Why?”

  “Isn’t that obvious?”

  “Not to me.”

  He stops walking and turns to face me, placing his hands on both of my shoulders.

  “God, Bethany, you’re not making this easy on me, are you?” He stares down at me with a grimace of unease on his perfectly sculptured face.

  “Why do you need to know if I have a boyfriend, Jake?”

  “It’s probably better if I don’t know. I’m already fighting the urge I have to demand that you tell me where I can find him so I can beat the shit out of him for finding you first.”

  I burst out laughing, taking him by surprise.

  “Wow, that’s a good line.” I joke.

  “I mean it, Bethany. That’s what scares me.” He gazes down at me, a solemn expression etched on his face. I see the sincerity in his eyes and I know he’s being serious. A ripple of excitement surges through me which I instantly reprimand myself for. I shouldn’t be feeling excited over his possessiveness. What’s wrong with me?

  “You must be cold. Here, wear this.” He eagerly removes his grey hoodie that he was wearing and offers it to me. He mistook my trembling for me being cold but there’s no way I’m going to say no to wearing an item of his clothing. I smile at him appreciatively and decide to let him believe that I was cold. A little white lie won’t hurt anyone.

  “What about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me, I’m ok.” He winks at me reassuringly, causing my stomach to fill with tiny little butterflies.

  I relish the warmth that I feel as I slip Jake’s hoodie over my head. It’s far too big for me, it practically swallows me whole.

  “Maybe I’ll grow into it.” I say playfully.

  “I hope not ‘cause you look really, really cute in that thing.” His eyes rake over me once more, a flash of hunger behind them that stirs something deep inside of me, something which has remained still and untouched until this moment.

  I used to think that men as gorgeous as Jake were also accompanied by arrogance and conceit. Clearly I was wrong, unless Jake really is the only exception.

  “Thank you.” I murmur timidly. I’m not used to any man desiring me and yes, I might be naïve in many things but even I can recognise a man’s attraction when it’s right in front of me.

  We start to walk again and I try to rid my mind of the worrying thoughts about my mum and how frantic she will be wondering where I am.

  “You never answered my question, do you have a boyfriend?” He persists.

  Wow, he really won’t let this drop.

  “No, I’m single.”

  “That’s good, really good.” He grins at me with a hint of flirtation plays on his lips, drawing my attention to them.

  “I never knew guys went supermarket shopping.” I nod my head towards the shopping bags he’s carrying.

  “Oh, I normally don’t but my mum somehow forgot to make sure she had any food in this week so I had to make a last minute trip to the shop for some groceries.”

  I’m sure I could detect a hint of bitterness in his voice when he spoke about his mum but I decide to ignore it and not question him any further.

  “What were you listening to on your iPod? You seemed deep in thought when I barged into you. Again, I’m sorry about that.” He nudges me gently with his shoulder and I realise that I already love it when he makes any excuse to touch me.

  “Nothing you would have heard of.”

  “Oh, yeah? Try me.” He says confidently.

  “Ok, have you ever heard of the composer Ludovico Einaudi?”

  He wears a blank expression, making it apparent that he has no idea who I’m talking about.

  “See? I didn’t think so.” I say smugly.

  “Is classical music what you like?” He asks.

  “Yeah, sometimes. It helps me to relax.”

  “I can understand that, we all need our own escape from things.”

  I glance up at him and see that he’s deep in thought about something, the pain behind his eyes gives him away and I wonder what might have happened to him in his past to have caused him so much sadness. Some people wear their unhappiness like an invisible cloak, only those who have suffered can see it, they recognise the weight of it and they recognise the burden that another is carrying upon their shoulders.

  Happiness isn’t always a straight forward choice, sometimes it isn’t a choice at all. Otherwise the whole damn world would be happy. Some people have to work a little harder for their peace.

  His piercing eyes suddenly switch to mine; they infiltrate my mind as though they’re making their way into my soul. It’s like he can see right through me, past all of the pretence and the insolent behaviour I’ve shown him all night. He can see the real me and I’m not sure if I like it.

  “So do you have any plans tonight, Jake?” I ask, wanting to divert our conversation away from things which are so complex. I have three thousand two hundred and twenty one issues. Jake doesn’t need to know any one of them.

  “Well, I usually work on Friday nights but I had tonight off, no doubt there’s a party going on somewhere but I just can’t seem to get myself interested in going to any of them, not anymore.” He sighs and rakes his hand through his hair, he seems lost and the sadness that he keeps concealed rises to the surface once more.

  “How old are you?” I blurt out.

  “I’m twenty-two, you?”

  “That rhymes.” I chuckle at my lame joke and watch his lips twitch in amusement.

  “Seriously, how old are you?” He asks with a hint of concern to be heard in his tone.

  “Don’t worry; I’m not as young as I look. I’m twenty.”

  “I wouldn’t necessarily say you look that young, you’re innocent and that might constitute for people believing that you’re younger than you are.”

  “Great.” I say sarcastically.

  “No, I mean it as a compliment, I didn’t mean to sound rude.” He says apologetically.

  “It’s ok.” I reassure him.

  “A girl’s virtue and innocence is underrated. I for one will never make that mistake again.”

  I frown at him, wondering what he means and who he’s referring to. I stop walking and we come to a standstill. We’re nearly at my house and I can’t allow him to come the rest of the way with me.

  “I really need to get going. My mum will be really worried about me.”

  “You should have said something; you could have phoned her and let her know you were going to be a bit late.”

  “Yeah I could, if I had a phone.”

  “What? You don’t have a mobile?” He looks incredulous.

  “That’s right.”

  “So, how am I supposed to get in touch with you?” He seems really worried and dare I say… disappointed?

  “Jake, I don’t think that will be possible.”

  “No. You don’t mean that. I have to see you again, Bethany.”

  “Why? I’ve not exactly been polite and friendly to you. Why would you want a repeat of this evening?”

  He s
tares at me in disbelief.

  “You really don’t get this, do you? Bethany, I want to see you again because I know that if I don’t I’ll hate myself for the rest of my life for letting you walk away from me tonight.” His sombre eyes bore into mine, searching them for an indication of what I might say next.

  “Ok.” I nod, giving my consent.

  I can hardly believe that I’ve agreed to see him again. This is madness, absolute madness.

  He exhales with relief and delights me with one of his breathtaking smiles. Hi eyes are shining and bright. What on earth does he want in me?

  “So how am I supposed to contact you if you don’t have a phone?”

  “Jake, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. You’re right, without a mobile we can’t even arrange to see one another.”

  “No! Please don’t change your mind. Its ok, we don’t need one another’s number. I can pick you up at your house. That will work.” He suggests hopefully.

  I vehemently shake my head. That would be impossible.

  “No, that’s complicated, we can’t do that.” I say desperately.

  “Ok, its fine, Bethany, whatever you want. You name a place and a time and I’ll be here.”

  “Next Friday, in the same spot and at the same time.”

  “And you mean it, you’ll be here? You swear to me?” He asks me doubtfully, closing the gap between us and gazing intently into my eyes.

  “Yes, I promise you I’ll be here, Jake.”

  “And I can’t see you before then? Before next Friday?” He beseeches me hopefully.

  “No, I’m sorry it’s just not possible.”

  The only night my father leaves the house is on a Friday, there’s no opportunity for me to see Jake before then.

  “I really want to give you my number, just in case you get a chance to get in touch with me.”

  He searches in his pocket for his phone but I stop him, placing my hand over his own.

  “I won’t be able to call you. I know it sounds weird but you’ve just got to trust me on this. Next week is all that I can offer.”

  “Ok. I guess I’ll have to wait. It’s going to drive me crazy waiting until then but what else can I do?” He smiles at me weakly and I will myself to ignore the pang of guilt that I feel when I notice his disappointment.