Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “Jake, I really need to go and you can’t walk me to my door. I have to say goodbye here.”

  “Bethany, don’t do this.” He begs me.

  “I have to go!” I turn away from him and race off into the darkness. God knows how long I’ve been gone; mum will be out of her mind with worry. What the hell am I going to tell her? How will I explain how late I am?

  Before I round the corner to my house I look behind me and see Jake is still standing where I left him. His posture is tense and uneasy, making me wonder if he doubts my promise to him about being here next week. He really doesn’t need to worry, I’m certain that until that night all I’ll be able to think about is seeing him again and that’s exactly what I intend to do. Nothing and no one could even try and stop me.

  Chapter Three

  My heart is beating really fast as I stand outside my front door, fighting with myself over the decision to go on inside. I’ve been trying to think up a decent excuse to tell mum, I need a reason for me being so terribly late and so far I’ve come up with nothing.

  I know that she’ll be beside herself wondering where I am and I should be feeling guilty for all of the worry I’ve caused her but the truth is… I’m not sorry. This evening was magical and life changing for me, it’s a night I’m certain I’ll never forget. I guess I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it yet. I know that the second I step inside this house that’s exactly what I’ll have to do. I’ll have to pretend that this didn’t happen; I’ll have to act like Jake doesn’t exist and that’s the last thing in the world I want to do.

  I nervously lick my lips, running my fingers through my tangled hair. I’ve got to go inside; I can’t stand out here all night. Mum deserves an explanation. I just wish I could think of one!

  Mum instantly appears in the hallway as soon as I open the front door. One glance in her direction and I know that I’ve done a terrible thing. She looks awful; I can’t even begin to imagine how anxious she must have been when I didn’t return home straight away. I wish that I could tell her the truth but I know that it’s just not possible. She wouldn’t understand and I can’t guarantee that she won’t say anything to my father.

  Something has changed inside of me and I just know that I’ll never be the same again. I’m not looking forward to what I have to do next. I have to lie to her, I’m going to have to use the situation and manipulate her to get what I want. I never wanted to be like him, the last thing I want to do is deceive her but I’ve got no choice. This is the only way.

  “Bethany, where on earth have you been? I’ve been worried sick. I was about to phone the police, I thought something terrible must have happened to you.” She’s trembling and her voice is unsteady. I can clearly see that I’ve put her through hell this evening.

  “I’m sorry, Mum. I completely lost track of time.”

  “Where have you been?” She persists.

  “Do you remember Amy who I used to go school with? We were friends for a little while in our final year and she came over a couple of times. Well, I bumped into her on my way home from the shop and we got talking. I ended up going back to her place with her. I only planned on staying for a few minutes but I completely lost track of time. As soon as I realised how late it was I raced back home as quick as I could. I’m really sorry if I worried you.” I make sure I look her right in the face. I can’t afford for her to become suspicious. If I’m going to do this then I have to do it properly. I need to be convincing.

  “And that’s where you’ve been all this time? I’ve been going out of mind thinking of all of the worst case scenarios that might have happened. I thought you’d been abducted. I was seconds away from calling 999 and reporting you missing. Do you have any idea how useless I felt stuck here? I’ve never been so scared in all my life. How could you have been so thoughtless?” Her eyes are filled with tears and I know that underneath her accusatory tone I’ve really hurt her.

  “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you but I’ve already explained what happened.”

  “If your father knew that I allowed you to go out at this time of night he would kill me.” She whispers, the colour drains from her face at just the thought.

  “And that’s why he doesn’t need to know, not now, not ever. There’s no point in angering him Mum. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me. It was my fault, not yours and you shouldn’t be expected to take the blame.” I hate myself for doing this to her. It feels like blackmail and it’s not something that I ever envisioned myself doing to her. If only there was any other way. Unfortunately, there isn’t.

  “I suppose the main thing is that you’re home and safe.” She acquiesces reluctantly.

  I hug her briefly, despising the way that she remains still and lifeless. I know I’ve let her down and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to make it up to her.

  Handing her the milk she so desperately needed, I turn away and head on up the stairs. I pause on the final step as though I’ve just remembered something. This has to seem like it’s no big deal.

  “I’m meeting up with Amy again next Friday. I’ll be going over to her place so you don’t need to worry. I really enjoyed catching up with her tonight and we both agreed that we should make more of an effort to stay in touch.”

  “Bethany, you can’t be serious. You know that’s out of the question, your father will never allow it.”

  “And that’s why we’re not going to tell him.” I stare at her, making sure I don’t blink or seem uncertain.

  “You want me to keep this from him?” She asks disbelievingly, the quivering in her voice pull at my heart strings, nearly tipping me over the edge.

  “Mum, I’m twenty years old and I have no social life whatsoever. Surely I’m entitled to at least one friend? Dad goes out every Friday evening and he arrives home at exactly the same time every week. I’ll only be out of the house for an hour at the most. I’ll make sure that there’s plenty of time before he arrives home. I really don’t think this request is unreasonable.”

  “Your father came home early just last week and that could easily happen again. Don’t you remember what happened the last time we deceived him? I can’t believe that you risk that again.”

  I freeze at the top of the stairs. I feel like all of the air has just been kicked out of my lungs. We never speak about that time. It’s too painful for the both of us and I can’t believe that she would mention it now. It makes my blood turn cold just to think about it.

  “End of discussion, Mum.” I reply coldly.

  I close my bedroom door behind me and sit down on my bed. The fear that’s coursing through my veins is overwhelming. I haven’t allowed myself to think about the last time I got caught in a lie to my father. The memory of it is so vivid, it’s as though it just happened. I shake my head, desperately trying to rid my mind of such gruesome thoughts. It happened six years ago and I’m still unable to forget.

  I hear the front door close shortly after I came upstairs and I know he’s home. I know mum won’t mention anything about tonight to him. She wouldn’t dare, she already knows what the consequences would be for something like this. I’m aware of how selfish this is of me to ask her to lie for me but I don’t have a choice. I need to ignore risks that are involved and how dangerous all of this is. I have to see Jake again and this is my only chance.

  I lie in bed later on, gazing up at the twinkling stars in the sky. For the first time in a long while I feel hopeful. Something has changed and I don’t know if that change will be life altering or not but something’s different. Things will no longer be the way that they were before and this in itself is frightening. I feel exhilarated and nervous all at the same time. I feel awake, alert and so alive. My final thought before I eventually fall asleep is of him and the moment when I will get to see him again, as soon as that happens I’ll know all of this is worth it.

  The next morning is Saturday and I wake up wondering if what happened last night has all just been a crazy dream. I start to believ
e that Jake is just a figment of my imagination, a desperate attempt to create some sort of excitement for myself and I’ve now gone and taken it too far by actually believing my own illusions.

  I take my morning shower, get dressed and head downstairs. I’m all prepared to battle it out with mum if I have to about next Friday. I don’t care what it takes I’m going to see Jake again, regardless of what I have to do to make it happen.

  “Good morning, Mum.” I say cheerfully, entering the kitchen.

  “Morning, Bethany. Did you sleep well?” The optimistic expression on her face is forced but besides that she seems relatively normal. I was half expecting another turbulent discussion similar to the one we had last night about me going out next Friday.

  I know the lie I told about my old school friend Amy wasn’t the best that I could come up with but I couldn’t think of anything else. Mum met her on a couple of occasions so I know she would partly believe my reason for being so late home.

  “I slept ok, you?”

  “Not really.” She replies softly, making me feel guilty for putting this amount of pressure on her. I can imagine she was tossing and turning all night worrying about everything.

  “Mum, I don’t want to get into an argument with you but I want you to know that I haven’t changed my mind about meeting Amy next week.”

  “I understand what you’re saying, Bethany. I’ve been thinking about what you said and I do see where you’re coming from. It’s nice that you’ve met up with an old friend again but I’m not at all comfortable with you sneaking out behind your Dad’s back. I can’t even begin to think about what he’d do if he ever found out.” She wrings her hands together anxiously; the desperation on her face makes me feel unbelievably cruel. She’s about to crack and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.

  “I need some sort of social life and there’s no way that Dad will allow me to see Amy again. This is the only way.” I argue.

  “I’m not promising anything, Bethany. We’ll have to just wait and see.”

  I nod my head in agreement, knowing that this is the best compromise we can make… for now.

  After breakfast we head over to gran’s house like we do every Saturday. I’m desperate to get her on her own and tell her all about Jake. I know she’ll support me meeting someone who I’m really interested in but I’m not so sure if she’ll approve of my plan to meet up with him again next week. I hardly know him and it will mean me lying to my mum about where I’m really going. She wants me to experience adventure but will she see this idea as me being reckless and dangerous? I really don’t want her to make me feel bad about seeing Jake. I feel guilty enough as it is and I want her to be excited for me, I need someone to share this with. In the grand scheme of things what happened last night might not be terribly eventful but to me, it was extraordinary.

  I consider waiting to tell gran about Jake until I see him again. There’s no point in troubling her with something that might not end up being a big deal. Gran can be extremely protective over me and if she thinks that I’m putting myself in a threatening situation then she may just tell my mum the truth. I realise that I can’t take the risk and decide not to say anything to her. I’ll see how it goes with Jake next Friday and then I’ll confide in gran.

  Throughout our visit I can feel her eyes on me the entire time. I keep catching her looking at me with a curious expression on her face. I swear she can read me like a book. She knows something’s different about me and she’s trying to figure out what it is.

  A big part of me is dying to tell her about Jake and everything that happened last night but the truth is I’m just not ready to part with my secret yet. This is the first time in my life that I’ve kept anything private and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I can. This secret is mine. It belongs to me and I have to admit that I really like having this one thing that nobody else in my world knows about.

  My days in the bookstore are unbelievably boring and this week in particular goes by really, really slowly. Only a handful of customers come in to the store and the majority of them don’t even buy anything.

  My thoughts are completely preoccupied with Jake. I constantly wonder what he’s doing and if he’s thought of me since last Friday. Today is Wednesday ad it’s already been five days since I last seen him. I start to consider the possibility that he might have already forgotten all about me.

  He could be laughing about me with all of his friends; they’re probably laughing their heads off hearing about the pathetic girl he convinced to meet up with him again next Friday night. God, all of this could be some sick joke to him. All of them might turn up in two days time to catch a glimpse of me standing there waiting for him to show up. The whole thing makes me tremble with humiliation.

  I start to second-guess myself and seriously think about not going on Friday. I should probably stay at home and save myself from the embarrassment. The internal debating with goes on and on until I finally decide to give myself a break from my constant worrying. I can’t predict what will happen, Jake might not turn up but I know for certain that I will. Regardless of my own insecurities and loathsome doubts I’m absolutely determined to see him again. Nothing and no one will stand in my way, not even myself.

  On Thursday evening I end up stuck next to my father on the sofa. We’re watching some boring documentary and I have no idea what it’s about. I’ve now got to the stage where I’m practically counting down the hours until tomorrow night. I’ve mentally prepared myself for the worst. I’ve convinced myself that he won’t turn up and I’ll be left waiting for him like some sad, pathetic, naive little idiot who should have known better.

  Even if that does happen I’m at least going to know the truth. I might have got him all wrong. My imagination might have implored me to recreate the reality of Friday night. I envision Jake to be this spectacular and extraordinary human being when the truth is he might not be either of those things. All of it could have been conjured up in my head and I have to prepare myself for that eventuality.

  Either way, I’m going tomorrow night. I need to know the truth. Even if the truth will hurt me beyond belief, I have to know.

  Once I’m in bed I open my curtains and gaze out at the blustery weather outside. All of the leaves are falling from the trees, a clear sign that winter is quickly approaching.

  Over the last few days I’ve taken some strange sort of comfort from the fact that Jake is out there somewhere close by. To know that I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow is the most incredible and remarkable feeling I’ve ever experienced. Thoughts of him have refused to leave my mind all week and I’m determined to cherish every single moment of anticipation in case I never get to have this again. If I’m to be disappointed tomorrow night then I need to savour the moment that I have right now and remember it forever.

  It’s so late and I still can’t get to sleep. I eventually decide to try and calm my nerves by listening to some music, hoping it will help me to drift off. I scroll through my iPod and decide on ‘Far Far’ By Yael Naim. I’ve always been able to relate to the lyrics because like the song, I’ve always been praying for something to happen in my life. I can’t help but wonder if it already has or maybe it’s about to.

  I finally manage to fall asleep only to dream about a beautiful pair of brown eyes that I am desperate to see again.

  Chapter Four

  I wake up this morning and it only takes me a matter of seconds before I realise what day it is. It’s Friday, it’s finally here and I’m going to see Jake again tonight. I can hardly believe it. I don’t know whether to do a dance for joy or throw up. I’m terrified and as much as I try to ignore my fear it’s becoming more and more difficult to let go of all of the ‘what ifs’ and apprehension.

  All week I’ve been waiting for this day to come and now that its here my stomach is in knots. I’m not expected to work in the bookstore today so I’m stuck at home with mum and the overwhelming preoccupation with my negative thoughts. I can’t help but participat
e in yet another internal battle with myself as I contradict myself over and over again. In the end I force myself to go upstairs and lie down, suffering to the point of exhaustion and insanity.

  I’m restless and I can’t settle my mind on anything other than him. I don’t think I’ve realised until now how lonely I’ve been. It wasn’t until I spoke with Jake last week that I realised what I’ve been missing out on all this time. I’m intrigued and hopelessly drawn to this boy to the point of obsession.

  My father arrives home from the bookstore at his normal time. I predict that he’ll watch TV for a while before making his way upstairs to take a shower. He’ll then eat the food that my mum slaved over all day before heading out to God knows where. His actions are so foreseeable; it would be funny if it weren’t so tedious.

  In the past I’ve come so close to asking him where does he go but every time I’ve changed my mind, choosing to be thankful and appreciate the fact that we get one evening alone without him a week.

  I wait a few minutes after he’s left before I decide to break it to mum that I still intend on going out tonight.

  “Mum, I’m going to get going now.” I walk into the kitchen to find her at the sink washing up.

  “Have a nice time.” She replies reservedly. Her back stiffens and I can see how tense she is.

  I bite down on my bottom lip, reconsidering what I’m about to do for the thousandth time this week.

  “Will you be ok?” I ask doubtfully.

  “I remember being your age, Bethany. I used to want the same things that you do now. I wanted to socialise and meet new people. I suppose a part of me still does.” She sighs despairingly and I have to turn away from her so that my tears won’t fall. She’s my mum and I realise that I actually know nothing about her life. Who she was before she met my father or what kind of woman she was before she had me. All of it is unknown to me.

  I breathe a great sigh of relief as I step out of the house. I feel a rush of exhilaration and I savour the sweet, forbidden taste of freedom.