Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “It’s not the result you were hoping for?” She asks me, a note of sympathy in her voice.

  “I feel like I’m trapped in some horrible nightmare or something.”

  “Of course this news has come as a shock to you; it might just take some time for you to fully digest this information before you can get your head around it. According to the date of your last period you’re only five weeks pregnant.”

  “Five? But it was only three weeks ago when we… ” I can feel myself going red with embarrassment; I can’t bring myself to finish what I was about to say.

  “I know it sounds a little silly but when we calculate a pregnancy we always go by the first day of your last period. We consider this to be the start of your pregnancy even though you weren’t even pregnant at the time. It’s a little complicated but we always take the date of your last period as the beginning rather than the date of conception.”

  I nod my head in understanding, even though I don’t understand anything at all. I can barely comprehend what she’s saying let alone digest all of the medical information that comes with it.

  “I don’t know what to do.” I whisper.

  “The positive thing is that you’ve found out about you’re pregnancy during its early stages. This means you have plenty of time to make a decision, a decision you are comfortable with and have given much thought to.”

  I nod slowly, still trying to absorb everything that’s happening.

  “So what happens now?” I ask.

  “Whilst you’re here I’d like to take your blood pressure and ask you to hop on the scales if that’s ok with you?”

  She informs me I’m a little underweight and I prepare myself for another lecture similar to Jake’s on the importance of a healthy diet and taking care of myself. However, she simply tells me to make sure I eat well balanced meals and plenty of fruit. She also suggests I start taking some pre-natal vitamins now that I’m pregnant. My blood pressure is fine and she tells me I’ll have to come in again so they can take a blood sample from me. I’m advised not to participate in any drinking or smoking and I assure her those things don’t apply to me.

  I have a feeling we’re coming to the end of my appointment, I’m running out of time and need to get this off my chest.

  “The thing is… I’m not sure I actually want to go through with this.” I avoid her eyes full of empathy, focusing on her computer screen instead.

  I know she must have dealt with situations like this before but I can’t help wondering what she must think of me. I feel like the world’s most terrible woman because I’m considering the option of aborting my baby.

  “I see. Well, thankfully you’ve got plenty of time to make a decision. You’ve found out about your pregnancy during its early stages and that will be beneficial for you with regards to allowing you plenty of time to think about it is you want.” She reiterates.

  “I never thought of it like that.” I smile at her weakly.

  “I don’t mean to be intrusive but do you have plenty of support in place? Ultimately, this is your decision but discussing this with someone who you’re close with may help.”

  “I’ve told the father and he’s incredibly supportive. He says it’s my choice, that whatever I decide he’ll accept.”

  “It’s good that you’re able to discuss this together and that he’s willing to stand by you.”

  She talks a little more about my options and provides me with a couple of leaflets which will give me some more information about an abortion and what it specifically entails. I know I won’t be able to take the leaflets home with me; I’ll have to pass them onto Jake and read them another time. She recommends that I start taking the vitamins right away because of my weight and assures me I can make an appointment with her anytime to discuss this further.

  “I never knew that there would be so much to take in.” I admit, feeling overwhelmed by the bombardment of information I have to take in.

  “I know you must be feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now but just give it some time, continue to discuss your feelings with your partner and feel free to make another appointment with me anytime. We can discuss your options further if you wish. I just want you to have some time to think about everything before I see you again. Who knows, you may feel a little differently.”

  I’m told I might not get an antenatal appointment at the hospital before I’m twelve weeks pregnant but I’ll still be expected to keep up with my doctor’s appointments before that time. Neither one of us says anything but I know we’re both thinking the same thing. We’re both wondering if I’ll even choose to reach that stage of pregnancy.

  “Thank you for your help.” I say gratefully, forcing myself to look at her this time.

  “Feel free to make an appointment with me anytime, Bethany. I promise I will always listen and advise you to the best of my ability. Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s the right decision for you because you’re the one who’s going to have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.”

  I leave her room and enter the reception area where Jake is still waiting for me. He stands up as soon as I walk through the doors.

  “How was it? What did she say? Are you alright?” He asks, firing questions at me.

  “Let’s just go outside, I promise I’ll tell you everything but I want to get out of here first.”

  As soon as we’re outside he launches himself on me, barely able to control his inquiry.

  “Bethany, tell me what she said. I’ve been going crazy waiting for you all this time. Is everything ok?”

  “Well, she told me if my pregnancy tests say I’m pregnant then I definitely am and she figured out that I’m about five weeks pregnant.”

  “Five?” He says incredulously.

  “Yeah, it’s kind of confusing how they figure it out but that’s what she said. It’s all to do with the date of my last period or something.” I look away from his penetrating gaze, rubbing my forehead with my fingers.

  He nods his head in understanding whilst closing the distance between us and pulling me into a hug. I cling to him tightly, breathing him in. I love his scent, it’s so captivating and alluring, yet it provides me with so much comfort at the same time.

  “What else did she say?”

  We break apart from our embrace and he takes his hand in mine as we start to walk.

  “She checked my blood pressure and my weight. She said I was a little underweight and just told me to make sure I eat well.”

  “Wait a minute; she said you’re underweight?” He stops and pulls on my hand, spinning me around to face him.

  “Only a little, I guess I haven’t been eating as much as I should have but I’ll eat better now, I promise.”

  Jake sighs in exasperation, letting go of my hand to run his fingers through his hair.

  “Bethany…” He sighs with frustration, his annoyance and irritation made clear in his tone.

  “It’s ok. She recommended some vitamins for me to take and I swear to you I’ll start eating better.”

  “Right then, we’ll go straight away and get them from the pharmacy down the road.”

  We take an unexpected turn, making me realise he was being serious; he intends to take me to the chemist’s right this second. We walk in silence for a few moments before he clears his throat and I know he’s preparing himself to say something.

  “What did she say about the baby?”

  “She gave me a couple of leaflets to read and told me that I can make an appointment with her anytime. She said it’s a good thing I’ve found out so early; it means I have more time to think about my decision.”

  I glance up at him and notice the muscles in his jaw are clenched, the amount of control he’s exerting over himself is beyond anything I could imagine. I guess it can’t be easy for him to think about me choosing an abortion, I know it’s not what he wants but I can’t go ahead with something that doesn’t feel right, not even for Jake.

  “It’s your decision,
Bethany. All I ask is for you choose what’s best for you; don’t base your decision on what your father or anybody else will think. You don’t have to be afraid of him or what he’ll do to you; I’ll protect you and the baby if you choose to go through with this. I’ll take care of you both.”

  After we leave the pharmacy, Jake asks me to show him the pamphlets the doctor gave me. I retrieve them from my pocket, handing them over to him. He looks at them in disgust and roughly shoves them into his own back pocket.

  “It’s probably for the best that you keep them, I can’t risk them being found at home.”

  “Come on, I need to phone another taxi to pick us up.”

  He turns his back on me and walks away. I’m forced to chase after him but decide to say nothing, he has every right to be angry with me and I’m fully aware how excruciatingly painful this must be for him.

  “Here’s the twenty pounds to replace the money you took from the bookstore.” He hands me over the money, refusing to look at me. “I’ve also been online and topped up the credit on your phone for you, there’s another fifty pounds on it so you should be good for a while.”

  “Wow, you can really add credit to my phone online?” I ask.

  “Yep.” He says unenthusiastically.

  “How?” I have zero interest in the matter but really want to keep him talking; I can’t bear the awkward silence between us.

  “Do you really care?” He challenges me.

  “Yes.” I lie.

  “For Christ’s sake, you’re a terrible liar, Beth.”

  “I genuinely want to know!” I shove him in vexation, annoyed that Jake can see through my façade.

  “I just typed in your mobile number and the code that came on the pay as you go top up card.”

  “It seems pretty straight forward.”

  “That’s because it is.” He snaps with a tone so abrupt and sharp it stings. He’s never spoken to me like this before and it hurts.

  “You called me Beth.” I speak so softly I don’t even think he heard me.

  “What?” He barks.

  “You called me Beth. You’ve never called me that before and I don’t like it.”

  For some reason the abbreviated use of my name doesn’t sit well with me, not when it comes from Jake. It didn’t sound like a term of endearment and it made me uncomfortable when he said it with such anger.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I’m letting things get to me and I’m taking it out on you. None of this is your fault, Bethany.”

  Once we’re back at the doctor’s surgery, Jake phones for another taxi. It doesn’t take too long to arrive and we spend another journey in silence. It’s only during our ride home that I start to wonder about the continuous amount of cash Jake always seems to have. He’s never short of money but I can’t imagine his job as a bartender would pay him that much. I decide to save that worry for another day; I’m not going to rock the boat by bringing it up with him now.

  As soon as we get out of the taxi, Jake crushes my body against his.

  “I’m so sorry. I fucked up again and want to apologise for it. I’m such a bastard. I don’t deserve you, I really don’t.” His dark chocolate coloured eyes gaze down into mine, making it impossible for me not to forgive him.

  “It’s fine, you didn’t do anything wrong, Jake.”

  “I did and you know it.”

  He places a delicate kiss on my forehead, causing me to shiver when I feel his warm minty breath tickle my skin. I gasp when I feel his fingertips glide across the bare skin on my stomach underneath my shirt. The sweet sensation of his touch against my skin electrifies me, I involuntarily tremble and he chuckles at my blatant physical reaction to him. His hand remains still and I watch his eyes slowly travel down my body to rest on my stomach.

  “I still can’t believe you’re really… I can’t believe our baby is really in there.” He whispers reverently.

  I shift uncomfortably, pulling away from his touch. Jake can’t afford to become attached to this baby; it will hurt him too much if I decide to terminate the pregnancy.

  “I should get going.”

  “But I don’t want to let you go.” His voice is resolute and his hold unyielding as he circles his fingers around both of my wrists.

  I manage to wriggle away from his grasp and move away. He smiles at me, a predatory gleam in his eyes as he shortens the distance between us.

  “Jake, what are you doing? Quit fooling around.” I scold him.

  “I’m not playing, Bethany. You keep on giving me these excuses and reasons why you’re not ready to leave home yet. I’ve tried to be understanding and see things from your point of view but now I’m getting impatient. Your father’s still away, he’s been away for weeks and you’ve had every opportunity to explain things to your mum and leave with me. I can’t help questioning why you feel the need to go back there. What if I were to tell you I’d had enough, what if I were to ignore your protests and take you with me right now. I could throw you over my shoulder, it would be so easy.”

  I take a step back from him, unsure whether or not I should believe him. He looks serious and I know he’s capable. Jake will do anything to get what he wants and what he wants most in the world is me.

  “We will be together, Jake.” I assure him.

  “When?” He demands, taking another step closer towards me, forcing me back until I collide with someone’s garden wall.

  “Soon.” I clarify.

  He closes in on me, his eyes are sparkling with amusement and he has a mischievous smirk on his face.

  “Not good enough, be more specific.” He orders, staring down at me with a possessive, dominating gleam in his eyes.

  “I don’t know! Stop pressuring me, Jake. Don’t you think I have enough to think about right now?”

  I try shoving him away from me but it’s no use. Jake’s so strong, my attempt to push him away from me doesn’t even make an impact. Angry about my ineffective ability to move him, I duck underneath his right arm and start to walk away.

  “Bethany, wait. Please don’t go! I’m really sorry; I shouldn’t have said any of that. Baby, please come back.”

  He’s already chasing after me and I know its pointless trying to outrun Jake. I purposefully slow down my pace, turning around to face him.

  “What was all of that about? Were you threatening me?” I ask, glaring at him angrily

  “Of course I wasn’t, how can you even think that?”

  “Because that’s what it sounded like. It sounded like you were threatening to kidnap me and keep me against my will. What’s your plan, Jake? Are you going to tie me up so I have no other choice but to live with you?” I point my index finger at him, poking him in the chest with force.

  “Bethany, you know I’d never do such a thing. It’s just my anger talking; I don’t mean any of the shit I’m saying. Although I have to confess, the thought of me tying you up is a huge turn on. We’ll have to explore this further sometime…” He tries to conceal his irritating smugness which infuriates me even more.

  “Jake, this isn’t funny!” I yell, feeling myself turn red with rage.

  “I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just that you’re all kinds of cute when you’re mad.” He grins at me mischievously; taking delight in the fact that he’s managed to provoke me.

  “Don’t play with me, Jake. I’m not in the mood and you’ve pushed me too far.” I say solemnly, ignoring the part of me that gets off on the electrifying chemistry between us. It’s practically sizzling with passion and lust.

  “I shouldn’t have said those things. It’s just that you mean so much to me; I’d do anything to keep you safe. I know he’s away but your father could come home at anytime and I don’t want him anywhere near you, Bethany.”

  I wish I could explain things to him, I wish he knew how things really were. My father looks upon me as his property, something that belongs to him and he won’t let me be stolen by anyone. He’s always been the same and his hateful disdain of me won’t make
any difference, he will never let me go.

  “I understand how anxious you are but you have to stop pressuring me like this. You’re only making me more stubborn and determined to stick to my decision. If you lived alone things might be different but you share a house with your mum and three sisters. I can’t impose myself upon a family that don’t even know me.”

  “You don’t need to worry about that, I’d explain things to them. I just need you with me, Bethany. I want us to be together all the time and start our lives together properly.”

  “We have the rest of our lives. Why does that have to start today?”

  “Because I’m absolutely crazy about you and I want you all to myself. I want every second of every minute of every day with you.” He says solemnly, wrapping his arms around my waist and bringing our bodies closer.

  “I’m yours, Jake. How many times do I have to say it? All I want is for you to give me some time, I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do about the baby and I need some space from you to think things over. Please understand that.” I implore him.

  “I can do that.” He tells me, his voice so soothing and understanding, a complete contrast to his demeanour a few moments ago.

  “Thank you.” I say gratefully.

  His fingers take hold of my chin, dragging his thumb along the length of my lower lip.