Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “God, I want you so badly, now more than ever.” He whispers.

  “Really? How badly?” I seductively bite down on my bottom lip, remembering how irresistible Jake finds it.

  “Sweetheart, I love it when you tease me but only when I can do something about it and right now… I can’t. So please don’t torture me.” His athletic arms tighten around my waist, intensifying our connection and bringing our heaving chests closer together.

  I can’t help but glow with pride at his words; to know that I have such a remarkable affect on him is pretty spectacular. I’m preoccupied with these thoughts when I feel Jake’s lips descend upon my own. He groans in frustration when I refuse to open up for him. His persistent tongue continues to run along my bottom lip, trying to persuade me to participate.

  “I’ve got to go.” I say, breaking away from him. This time I’m the one who’s trying to conceal my smug smirk from him.

  “But I need you.” He begs me, trying to guide my lips back towards his.

  I surrender myself to him and he growls in appreciation. His tongue immediately finds its way inside my mouth, stroking along the side of my own until their twirling together in a unique dance of seduction.

  “I really have to get back and we can’t do this here.”

  “Why not? Let’s give these nosy neighbours a show they’ll never forget.” He growls, gently biting my neck.

  I know he’s only teasing but the idea makes my whole body tingle with pleasure and arousal. I somehow manage to free myself from his merciless hold, convincing him that enough’s enough. I have to get back home. Saying goodbye to him is really difficult but I promise him I’ll be in touch when I’m ready to see him. He’s unenthusiastic about having to leave me but I somehow manage to persuade him it’s the right thing to do.

  I watch him walk away from me with his head down and his hands buried deep in his pockets. I long to run after him, I’m desperate to make things right between us. There’s such a huge weight on his shoulders and so much sorrow inside him, every single part of me wants to reach out and offer him some comfort. The most difficult thing is I know what would ease his suffering; the only thing that would help him is me deciding to keep the baby.

  When I can’t see him anymore, I turn and start to make my own way home. I’ve only been gone a couple of hours so I shouldn’t have to explain anything to mum. It’s during my journey home that I start to feel a little uncomfortable; I have the most peculiar, unexplainable feeling that I’m being watched again. I look behind me but of course there’s no one there, maybe it’s my mixed up emotions making me paranoid or something.

  I try to ignore the strange sensation of being observed but it refuses to leave me. It’s as though I can sense someone’s eyes on me, watching my every move. I finally reach home and stand on the front doorstep, taking a good look around me. There’s no one there and I convince myself I’m just being silly. I feel it again when I make my way inside the house, someone’s gaze is fixed firmly on me and I have no idea what its motive is. Someone’s watching me, there’s no doubt about it. I don’t know who it is and I don’t know what they want but I instinctively know they’re close by and watching. I can feel their presence and it sends shivers down my spine. I’m left unnerved and shaken the rest of the night, unable to concentrate on anything but the eyes on me all the way home.

  Later that night I fall into a restless, disruptive sleep where I dream about shadows and ticking clocks. It’s as though my subconscious is already aware that my time is up. Something’s about to happen, my lies and deceit are about to catch up with me and I must finally face the consequences.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  The next few days are horrendous and I spend every waking moment worrying about the monumental decision I still have to make. Jake continues to bombard me with text messages, begging me to meet up with him and I even surprise myself when I keep on making excuses for why I can’t see him. Even though I do feel selfish, I realise I need some time alone so I can think about things. I’ve realised that when I’m around Jake I feel guilty, I carry the burden of guilt like a heavy load and only when I’m apart from him does the weight of that load leave me.

  I know Jake’s against the idea of me having a termination and at the moment being around him makes me too uncomfortable. It would be so much easier if I felt the same way as he does about the baby, if only I could get my head around the idea and feel some sort of excitement or optimist about going through with the pregnancy. I can’t help wondering if it would even be fair of me to bring this innocent life into the world when I’m not sure it’s what I even want. I need to be certain that any child of mine will be safe, happy, loved and taken care of and I guess I’m not certain I can offer it any of those things.

  We haven’t heard from my father since he telephoned over a week ago postponing his return home. He told my mum he’d be gone for a few more weeks and besides that he’s given us no indication as to when he will be back. The atmosphere at home is much more bearable without him around and I know my relationship with mum would be so much better if he didn’t come home. I might even choose to confide in her and tell her everything; it would be wonderful being open and honest with her for a change. We could be like a real mother and daughter without all the secrecy and lies.

  I made an excuse to leave the house and returned the money I borrowed from the bookstore. I felt a great sense of relief as soon as I had done it; I hated the fact that I had stolen money and kept on worrying about my father coming home early and noticing the money missing from the till.

  The person I really long for at the moment is gran. She’s still away visiting her old school friend and I haven’t the heart to ruin her much needed relaxation by burdening her with my problems. I’ve been avoiding her when she telephones because I know she would instinctively know something is wrong with me by my voice. She’s always been there for me; she’s always been the one person I can truly rely on. My whole childhood would have been empty and extremely isolating if it weren’t for gran’s presence and she knows me better than anyone. If she were here right now I would have confessed everything to her already. However, I’m not about to ruin her holiday with her friend, she gave me so much when I was younger; it’s my turn to give something back. She deserves this time for herself, time to rest and recuperate after her stay in hospital.

  Today is Thursday and I haven’t seen Jake since my doctor’s appointment on Monday. I chose to ignore all of the messages he sent me this morning, deciding that I really needed an entire day to myself without thinking about Jake, the baby or the tumultuous decision I have to make.

  Mum and I actually spent a nice day together. We got the bus to the small village where she used to volunteer in the charity store and she called in to see her old friends. It was lovely to see her socialising again; I know how much she misses the store and the people who volunteer there. I decided to take a walk whilst she spent some time catching up with her old friends and it was during my exploration that I found the most delightful little coffee shop. It looked so cosy and welcoming; I knew immediately that we had to go in there before we left.

  I spent another half an hour or so wandering around, looking in the shop windows and sitting on the bench by the lake that ran through the village. The sun was beaming down on me and I could already feel my fair skin start to tingle from the heat. Spring was finally coming; I could feel it in the air.

  Mum looked so happy when I arrived back at the charity store to meet her. She was smiling and had a twinkle in her eye that I can’t remember seeing before.

  “Are we ready to go?” She asked, waving goodbye to the women in the shop.

  “I actually just saw a small coffee shop around the corner from here and would really like to go in there before we go. Would that be ok?” I asked hopefully.

  She agreed at once and we spent the rest of the afternoon talking over coffee and cakes. It was so nice to spend some quality time with her and I found myself laughing and smi
ling as though I didn’t have a care in the world. It was wonderful just to forget for a little while, even if it was only pretend. I kept on reminding myself to cherish every single moment; I wanted to memorise her smile and the lovely sound of her laughter. I somehow knew we would never get the chance to spend another day together like it and this made it even more special for me to remember.

  It’s now midnight, mum went to bed over an hour ago and I’m downstairs half watching a One Tree Hill episode on DVD. There’s no longer any noise from upstairs so I presume she’s fast asleep, making it safe enough for me to finally check my phone. I switch it to silent as soon as I turn it on, inhaling sharply when I see I have forty text messages from Jake and twenty-five missed calls. He must have been trying to get in touch with me all day and going out of his mind with worry. I quickly read through a handful of Jake’s messages, consumed by guilt as I scan over them.

  Jake: Bethany, I haven’t heard from you this morning so could you please text me and let me know how you are. Love you, Jake x

  Jake: Hey, I’m just checking if you got my message? If you have can you please text me back and let me know you’re ok. It still doesn’t feel right being away from you at a time like this. I love you, please contact me x

  Jake: Ok, I’m starting to worry now. It’s been hours and I still haven’t heard from you. I understand if you need some time alone but I just want to know that you’re ok. I promise to respect your privacy but only after I’ve heard back from you. Please let me know how you are, I’m starting to panic.

  Jake: Bethany, where are you? What’s going on? I’m going insane worrying about you and need to know you’re alright. This isn’t fair and I’m begging you to stop if you’re giving me the silent treatment on purpose.

  Jake: Bethany, if you don’t reply in one hour then I really will believe something’s wrong and I’m coming over there. I don’t give a fuck about your mum finding out about us, I have to see you. I’m going crazy wondering what the hell has happened to you and why you’ve not been replying to me all day. I’ve tried calling your phone several times and it goes straight to voicemail. It’s either switched off or you’re deliberately ignoring me. Either way, I have to see you; I won’t rest until I know you’re ok.

  Jake: I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, answer your phone, Bethany. Answer it right now. I’m serious when I say I’m coming over.

  Jake: That’s it. I can’t take it anymore, I’m on my way.

  I read his last text and notice he only sent it ten minutes ago. That means he’s on his way over here right now. Any second he’ll be hammering on my front door, demanding to see me. I consider typing out a hasty response to him and beg him not to come but decide on phoning him instead, it will be much faster. I press the call button and silently close the sitting room door which leads into the hallway so mum won’t overhear anything from upstairs.

  “Bethany, where the hell have you been?” Jake answers immediately, sounding incredible anxious and more than a little angry with me.

  “Jake, I’m really sorry. I’ve only just read through your messages.” I say

  “What the hell’s going on? Why have you been ignoring my calls? I’ve been going fucking crazy wondering why I haven’t heard from you. I’m on my way over to yours right now.”

  “No! Please don’t come, Jake. I’m really sorry I haven’t I haven’t been in touch until now but I had my phone switched off and I spent the entire day with mum. I just wanted to spend some quality time with her.” I stammer nervously, desperately trying to explain.

  “And you couldn’t have sent me a text to explain? You couldn’t spare a single moment to let me I didn’t have to worry and that you were ok. It’s really messed up, Bethany. I was sure something awful must have happened, I thought something had gone wrong with the baby, I was imagining you in hospital and all sorts of awful things. I’ve been a fucking wreck all day.” He yells down the phone, struggling to control his frustration.

  “I’m sorry, I really am but please don’t come over.” I plead with him, making my way into the kitchen so my phone call won’t be discovered.

  “This isn’t negotiable. I’m already on my way; I need to see you with my own eyes. I need to know that you’re ok.”

  “But I’m telling you I’m fine! You can’t come over now, my mum’s in bed.”

  “How do I know you’re not being forced to say that? Your father could be standing over you right now, dictating to you what to say.”

  “I’m telling you the truth, no one’s here and I’m ok!” I whisper exasperatedly.

  “I still have to see you; I’m two minutes away from your house so quit trying to change my mind. Oh, make sure you actually answer the door or I promise I’ll make sure your entire neighbourhood will hear me when I break it down, including your mum.” He says menacingly.

  Shit, I’ve really gone and done it this time, he’s really pissed off and is beyond the stage of being reasonable.

  “Fine. I’ll wait for you outside.”

  “No. I don’t want you out in the dark by yourself, just unlock the front door and I’ll let myself in.”

  “Jake, I can’t let you in here, my mum will hear us.”

  “I don’t care, Bethany. I’m really mad, I’ve been torturing myself all day and the only thing that will calm me down is seeing you. It’s not enough for me just hearing your voice, I have to see you.”

  “Fine!” I hiss, hanging up the phone.

  I wish he wouldn’t bully me like this. Why can’t he just accept my apology and let me go to bed? I hurry into the hallway and turn the key in the front door, unlocking it for him. I return to the living room and sit down, anxiously anticipating his arrival.

  I’ve only waiting a couple of minutes when I hear the front door open quietly and Jake enters. I realise what a huge risk we’re taking, by Jake being here there’s every chance we’ll be caught and our whole relationship could be exposed. Mum has never been a heavy sleeper, she frequently tells me she suffers with insomnia. I pray tonight’s the exception.

  I move across the room so I can face the doorway, startled when I see the silhouette of Jake already standing there. I place a finger on my lips, telling him to say nothing. He narrows his eyes at me, as though he can’t quite believe I have the audacity to ask him anything right now. I motion for him to follow me into the kitchen and watch him close the door, preventing any noise from escaping upstairs.

  “Explanation time.” He demands, scowling at me as he folds his arms.

  “I’ve already told you. I had my phone switched off all day and I’ve only just seen some of your messages.”

  “If you hadn’t turned your phone off you would have seen them before now.” He says tersely.

  “It was selfish of me but I just wanted some space. I spent the whole day with mum; I didn’t have the opportunity to look at my phone.”

  My excuse is feeble but the truth is I don’t know why I’ve been ignoring Jake or why I’ve been so desperate to have some time away from him. I suppose its easier when we’re apart, when he’s not around I can almost forget. I can pretend and choose not to think about everything that’s happening to me, I long to escape my reality rather than immerse myself in it.

  “You could have at least had the decency to let me know you were ok!” He shouts.

  “Keep it down! My mum’s upstairs.” I implore him.

  “All I want to know is why you’ve been deliberately avoiding me all day. You must have known how tormented I would be, that I’d go berserk when I heard nothing back from you. Why would you put me through that? I don’t understand.”

  “I just wanted some space and some time away from you. I wanted to forget everything and pretend that everything is normal. It’s easier for me to do that if I have no contact with you.” I tell him truthfully, hating the wounded look on his face as I confess my honesty to him.

  “I can understand that but what I can’t grasp is why the hell you couldn’t just explain that t
o me. You could have sent me one text and I would have been satisfied. Didn’t I at least deserve that, Bethany?” He asks, taking a step closer towards me.

  “You do and I’m sorry I made you suffer. I’m just… I’m really messed up, Jake. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how I’m going to cope and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do!”

  I really am close to losing it, pulling on my hair in frustration as I try to deal with the crazy and mixed up emotions in my head. I’m utterly exhausted; I hate myself for lying to my mum. I feel like this house is suffocating me and I can feel my father’s merciless dictatorship and control everywhere I go. I long for my freedom, I want to escape the oppression I’ve become so accustomed to and the last thing in the world I want is to be pregnant. I want to be with Jake but I’m not at all ready to move in with him, all of it this is so fucked up, I don’t know if I can sink much lower, I’ve already reached rock bottom.

  “Bethany, calm down. Stop it or you’ll hurt yourself.” He cautions me, attempting to disentangle my fingers from my own hair.

  “Just go, Jake. You shouldn’t be here.” I wail.

  “No, I won’t leave. You can say whatever the hell you want to me and I still won’t go. I will never, ever leave you, Bethany. Don’t you understand that? Do you not understand the depth of my feelings for you? The truth is… I can’t let you go, even if I wanted to… I just don’t have the strength to do it. You deserve to know the truth and that’s why I don’t care how messed up this is. Bethany, you have to know that I’m unconditionally and unreservedly in love with you. Every single thought I have consists of you. I’m utterly obsessed, I’m addicted and I feel like I’m going crazy over the intensity of my feelings for you. The need I have to be with you takes precedence over everything else in my life; it can’t be rivalled by anything. Being with you isn’t a choice; we’re not an option, Bethany. Don’t you understand that? I’ve actually reached the stage where I know I wouldn’t even be able to exist without you. My need for you is like oxygen, it’s not something I can control or even try to explain. I can honestly say that I would cease to exist without you in my life; I would sooner die than be separated from you. You’ve taken over my mind, body and soul, all I think about is you. You’re the centre of my universe, you’re all I can see and you know what? That’s absolutely fine; it’s fine because you’re the only one I need. It’s you, Bethany. It will always be you.”