Holding Out for a Hero

by Codi Gary

  Hannah flinched. For people they love.

  The sliding glass door opened, and Best stuck his head in. “Dani, I got Noah’s hot dog.”

  Noah came running into the kitchen as fast as his two-year-old legs would carry him, Milo running beside him, and Best grabbed him, swinging Noah up into his arms.

  “Are you hungry, dude?”

  “Hungry Dude!”

  Dani and Violet came into the kitchen, laughing.

  “You got him?” Dani asked.

  “Oh, yeah. We’re going to go stuff our faces with watermelon, hot dogs, and potato chips.” Best gave Dani a soft look before stepping back outside and shutting the door.

  “God, I love that man,” Dani sighed.

  “Yeah, I never thought I’d see Tyler Best holding a kid.” Violet walked over to the fridge, bumping Bryce with her hip. “Stop hogging the beer, wench.”

  “How’s your little sister doing in college?” Bryce asked, no reaction to being called a wench.

  “You mean besides dating her TA and driving me crazy? She’s acing her classes. Coming home in the middle of June for a week, but apparently she is going to get an apartment off campus with some friend she met.” Violet sounded more like an exasperated parent than a big sister.

  Hannah smiled, although she felt a little awkward, since she didn’t know any of them well.

  “So, Hannah, tell us about how things are going with Blake,” Bryce said.

  Violet nodded next to her. “Yeah. Has he said the L word yet?”

  Hannah’s heart sank a bit. The love thing was definitely a sore spot, mostly because she was so sure he did, but he never said it. He’d tell her he missed her, that he loved all of these things about her, but never just a simple I love you.

  “No, he hasn’t yet.”

  Awkward silence stretched over the little group until Dani piped up.

  “Well, he’s probably just waiting for the right time. All the guys have been talking about how much he’s changed since you two started dating.”

  “Absolutely!” Violet agreed, sticking her head back into the fridge. “Is anyone else starving?”

  Hannah wasn’t really, not with her stomach turning at every new smell. “No, I’m okay.”

  “Holy crap, have you seen these pickles?”

  Violet pulled out a jar of jumbo pickles and popped the lid.

  “I used to love these things. Hannah, if your boyfriend asks, Casey ate them.”

  “You got it,” Hannah said.

  The smell of the spicy dill was the catalyst, and she gagged. Racing down the hallway, she slammed the door and barely made it to the toilet before the contents of her meager breakfast erupted into the bowl.

  A few minutes later, someone knocked softly on the door.

  “Hannah, it’s Dani. Can I come in?”

  Hannah wiped her mouth with toilet paper and flushed the toilet with shaky hands. “Um, sure.”

  Dani slipped inside, and after staring at her for a few seconds, searched through the cupboards. She pulled out a wet washcloth, and a white packet fell to the floor.

  “Whoops.”

  Hannah reached over and picked it up, turning it over to read the name and address. “Why would this be under there?”

  Dani put the wet washcloth on her forehead with a shake of her head. “I don’t know, but this should help. I was sensitive to heat and smells when I was pregnant with Noah.”

  Hannah didn’t even try to deny it. “Do Bryce and Violet know?”

  “They might suspect, but they won’t say anything.” Dani glanced down at the packet expectantly. “Are you going to put it back or read it?”

  Hannah was torn. She knew it was an invasion of privacy, especially since Blake had obviously been hiding it. But on the other hand, it was addressed from Texas and looked official.

  Unable to resist, she pulled out the papers inside and read the letter on top.

  Dear Sergeant Kline,

  We would like to invite you to the unveiling of our “Gone But Not Forgotten” memorial, where we will be honoring your late wife and all of those who have lost their lives in service to the military and their families. If you could let us know whether you will be attending, we would be happy to set up accommodations for you and your family.

  With Regards . . .

  Hannah’s eyes blurred.

  “Hannah, what is it?”

  “The military is honoring Blake’s wife.”

  Dani took the letter from her, a surprised expression on her face. “Why would he hide this away?”

  “Because he’s not going,” she said bitterly.

  Dani gave her a wary look. “Maybe it’s too painful for him.”

  Hannah knew that was partly it, but how was not dealing with his past healthy? How could he not want to honor Jenny, a woman he had supposedly loved?

  Because he isn’t ready to let go.

  Hannah stood up and took the letter from Dani when she held it out to her. Shoving the whole packet back under the sink, she stood with a shaky sigh.

  “Does Blake know you’re pregnant?”

  Hannah shook her head, her hand on the doorknob. “No. I’m not ready to tell him yet.”

  Not until she knew whether or not he was ready to really put the past to bed.

  “Just don’t keep it from him. I think Blake is a good man and would be a really good father. Children need that.”

  Hannah opened the door, and they headed back out to the party, but Hannah was stuck inside her head. She wanted to tell Blake, of course she did. He would be a kind, loving father, and any child would be lucky to have him.

  But if things weren’t going to work out between them, did she really want to bring a child into this world?

  BLAKE WAS RELIEVED when the last of his friends left. As much fun as it was to sit around and shoot the shit, he’d hardly seen Hannah all week, and he missed her. He wanted to get her alone, naked, and kiss her until they were both too exhausted to speak.

  He walked into his kitchen and found her in front of the sink, washing dishes. Milo lay right behind her, his head lifting when Blake entered the room. The two of them had seemed to form a sort of truce, although he still didn’t seek out affection from Blake.

  Coming up behind her, Blake wrapped his arms around her waist and splayed his hands over her stomach. He took her earlobe into his mouth and sucked.

  “I’m almost done,” she said.

  “Just leave them, and I’ll finish later.”

  His mouth traveled down the side of her neck.

  “I’m not in the mood, Blake.”

  Her snapping tone surprised him. He’d never heard her talk like that.

  “Hey, what’s up? Are you mad at me?”

  She sighed, her shoulders rolling forward. “No, I’m not mad. I’m just . . . I’m tired.”

  “All the more reason for you to stop doing dishes and come to bed—”

  “I’m tired of this.”

  Her words sliced through Blake like a sword, and he backed away, turning her to face him with a hand on her shoulder. “What do you mean? Of me? Of us?”

  “No, Blake. I love you. I love us.” It was the first time she’d said the words in a month, and his heart sped up. “But I don’t want just a part of you. I want it all.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m not seeing anyone else, I’ve been completely devoted to you.”

  “I’m talking about your love. Do you love me, Blake?”

  It was like he’d swallowed a meatball and it had lodged in his throat, making it impossible to speak and hard to draw breath.

  “You can’t say it. Which tells me that we’ve known each other for a while, spent the last three months building something, and you’re still holding back from me. Keeping parts of yourself away because they already belong to someone else.”

  Finally, he croaked, “Are we back to Jenny, again? She’s dead, Hannah. The only person here still obsessed with my wife is you.”

  “Reall
y? Then why won’t you go back to Texas? Why won’t you go to the memorial unveiling?”

  White-hot rage shot through him. “What, you’re going through my stuff now?”

  “I saw it when I was in your bathroom, and I was curious. You can hate me for that later, but the question remains: If you are really ready to move on and be here, in this, with me, then why can’t you go say good-bye?”

  “Because I said good-bye when I put her in the fucking ground!”

  She jumped at his angry shout, and Milo started barking and growling, his hackles standing on end. Charge howled from the living room and came lumbering in, sniffing everyone, as if trying to detect where the problem was.

  “I just . . . I think maybe we should take a break. Figure out what we both need and—”

  Blake took her by the shoulders, wishing he could shake some sense into her. “I know what I need. I need your smile, and the way you talk to your stupid dog, and the curve of your cheek. I need the sweet sound of your voice. I need the way you say my name, and how you make my day better just by calling to check in.”

  Her hazel eyes filled with tears, and his anger dissolved into fear. He cupped her cheeks, kissing her tears, her lips, panic taking over as he realized she was serious. She wanted to leave him.

  “Please, Han. Don’t go. I need you.”

  Hannah trembled in his arms, and he picked her up, carrying her from the kitchen. He just needed to show her. Show her how much she meant to him. How much he cared.

  They reached the bedroom, and Blake set her down, afraid to stop touching her. Scared that if he let her go for a single second, she’d be gone.

  He undressed in a frenzy, his clothes flying across the room as he kissed her. Loved her. He slid his hand beneath her skirt and pulled her panties down, needing to feel her around him.

  Blake helped her sit up and pulled her dress over her head, his face buried in the pillow of her breasts as he kissed first one and then the other.

  Blake grabbed a condom from the drawer, and once he was sheathed, he sought entrance in her warmth. Her arms wrapped around him, and she sighed, her hands caressing his shoulders lovingly. He couldn’t be gentle any longer. He was desperate. Desperate to make her see how much she meant to him. That what they had was special.

  That he couldn’t survive without her.

  Hannah’s cries broke through his thoughts, her voice rising with every thrust.

  “Blake!”

  “I need you, Hannah. God, I need you so much, baby.”

  She shook under him, her orgasm squeezing him tight inside her, and he came, blood pounding in his ears as he shouted his satisfaction.

  He kissed her gently, lying there for a few moments as their breathing slowed. Blake got up without a word, and after disposing of the condom, he lifted the covers and slid her underneath before he joined her, spooning her as they lay on their sides, his arms wrapped around her.

  “Never doubt what you mean to me, Han. I do need you.”

  Hannah didn’t answer, just stroked his forearm until he dozed, falling into a deep sleep.

  When he woke up the next morning, she was gone, and a piece of paper sat on the pillow she’d slept on almost every night for weeks.

  I’m sorry, but I need more.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “GET THE FUCKING lead out of your asses! What the hell is wrong with you this morning?” Blake had been yelling at his squad since he walked through the door. The little shits just wouldn’t listen today for some reason, and he was not in the fucking mood. He still couldn’t believe Hannah had left a fucking note and snuck out of his place like a damn cat burglar.

  And taken his heart with her.

  God, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be sick or put his fist through a wall. When he’d read those six little words, his stomach had dropped out and he’d started to sweat, sucking in air like it was running out.

  Now, he was doing everything he could not to think about her, about how she’d ripped him up. How could she not see how much he cared, how he was trying?

  Several of the boys faltered as they tried to do another push-up, and it sent Blake into a rage. “Jesus, you know, what? If you’re going to act like sissies, then just run.”

  “Come on, Sarge, we’re tired,” Gonzales griped, bent over sweating.

  Before Blake told him where he could take his weak-ass excuses and shove them, Sparks called from behind him. “You guys head in for class. I’ve got to talk to Sergeant Kline.”

  His squad filed past, shooting him mixed looks of anger, confusion, and hurt, and Blake hated himself for taking his frustrations out on them. Shit, he really shouldn’t be around people today.

  He turned around to face Sparks and crossed his arms. “What?”

  Sparks’s eyebrows shot up his forehead. “Dude, what is your issue this morning?”

  “None of your business. Why does everyone feel like they have to get a tour inside my head? Can’t a guy just be in a bad mood?”

  “A bad mood is one thing, but you’re torturing the kids and, frankly, scaring the shit out of me.”

  “I know.” Blake leaned against the fence, gripping it until the metal bit into his skin.

  “What’s up?”

  Blake laughed bitterly. “I’m fine. Free as a bird and doing fine.”

  Sparks appeared shocked. “What do you mean? Free from what? From Hannah?”

  “It’s just over,” Blake said.

  Sparks put a hand on his shoulder. “You want to talk about it?”

  Blake jerked away and stood up, facing him. “If I’d wanted to talk, I would have knocked on your door and said so.”

  “Look, I get you’re pissed, but I’m your friend. You’ve heard enough of my shit that the least I can do is return the favor.”

  Blake let out a heavy sigh, running his hands over his head. “She’s just obsessed. She wants me to go down for this memorial thing they’re doing at Fort Hood, honoring Jenny and other people killed in service and support to the US military. She thinks that I haven’t let Jenny go, that I’m still holding on.”

  “Are you?”

  Sparks’s searching look seemed to have detected something, but Blake scoffed anyway. “No. I’ve moved on, and I’m happy. Hannah makes me happy, but she can’t see that.”

  “Have you told her you love her?”

  Blake’s lips compressed, and Sparks nodded.

  “Is she wrong? It’s been more than a year since you left Texas. Maybe it’s time to go back and face your past head-on.”

  Laughing bitterly, Blake started to walk away from him. “Jesus, you, too? What does it matter, anyway? She left me with a note. Saying she needed more than what I was giving her. Pretty much tells me she is done with us.”

  Sparks shrugged. “Well, I have it on good authority that if you pulled your head out of your ass and at least tried to see things from her point of view, she’d probably take you back.”

  Blake eyed him suspiciously. “Whose authority is that?”

  “Let’s just say, women talk.”

  “If you know something and you’re not telling me—”

  Sparks stepped into him, and although he had several inches in height and muscle on Blake, he didn’t back down.

  “You’ll do what?” Sparks asked.

  Blake finally stepped back, not really wanting to get into it with one of his best friends. “Nothing.”

  “Kline, listen to me. You don’t need to be here picking fights with your friends and screwing up your love life. Why don’t you take some leave and head down to Texas? When you’re ready, I bet Hannah will listen.”

  Sparks left Blake standing in the training field, staring off into space. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts. When he saw Hannah’s name, his thumb hovered over it again, wishing he could call her again.

  He kept looking and finally tapped Dr. Stabler’s number.

  Blake was actually surprised when she answered, expecting to get her voicem
ail.

  “Hello, this is Dr. Stabler.”

  “Dr. Stabler, it’s Blake Kline.”

  “Blake, is everything all right? Do we need to move up your appointment?”

  He sat down in the grass, leaning his head against the fence.

  “I just need to ask you something. It’s about Jenny.”

  “Okay, sure, I’ve got a little time. What’s on your mind?”

  Blake told her about the memorial, that he felt like he’d finally been making progress toward putting his guilt aside and making a new life, but Hannah didn’t believe him, and neither did Sparks.

  “Do you think I should go, if only to prove them wrong?” he asked.

  She was quiet for a moment, and he could practically see that pensive expression on her face.

  “I don’t think you should do it to prove them wrong. I think you should go for you. This is a huge moment, celebrating Jenny’s life, and yet, you didn’t want to even go. You say that you’re moving on, but if that were the case, then you’d want to be there.”

  Blake hated that her words struck a chord inside him he’d been burying deep. “I’m afraid I’m not ready to go back.”

  “Blake, it’s time to sink or swim. The only way you are really going to know whether or not you’ve truly let go of Jenny’s death and are ready to move on is to face what you’re scared of.”

  “Did you read that on a coffee mug?” he joked.

  “A T-shirt, actually.”

  Blake chuckled and then took a deep, shaky breath. “Thanks for picking up the phone, Doc.”

  “It’s what I’m here for. You have a safe flight.”

  Blake hung up the phone and leaned his head back against the chain-link fence, the sun warming his face.

  Finally climbing to his feet, he stopped off at Sparks’s office and stepped inside. Sparks looked up from the papers on his desk and sat back in his chair expectantly.