A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  Somewhere in the back of my mind I was aware of a car beeping its horn, but I ignored it, too caught up in my fantasy of turning Zack down in front of a packed hall, of humiliating him the way he had humiliated me. I heard the car horn again and this time the car pulled up at the side of me and a voice yelled out my name. Tugging out my earphones, I turned and saw Jared poking his head out of the window. Sweet Jesus, he was divine. I’d forgotten quite how hot he was and I almost wet myself at the heavenly sight of him.

  ‘Can I give you a lift home?’

  I looked back down the street towards The Dress but the boutique was no longer in view. I’d had no idea I’d walked so far so surely that was enough exercise for the day? Besides, how could I not climb into the seat beside Jared? I was drawn to him, my body moving towards him without my permission. The fact that had my body requested action I’d have replied in the affirmative was beside the point.

  ‘That would be great. Thanks.’ I shoved my iPod into my handbag and climbed into the car, concentrating on gliding into the seat and not tangling myself in the seatbelt and/or whacking my head against the roof. I felt my cheeks grow warm at being so close to Jared and silently cursed my face and its inability to remain calm in situations such as these.

  ‘Where are we going then?’

  Had I been Erin, I’d have instructed Jared to take us to his place and ravish me till dawn, but I wasn’t Erin. I was Ruth Lynch, dumpy and unfanciable. ‘Oak Road? Do you know it?’ Jared nodded and we set off, the radio playing softly in the background.

  ‘I haven’t seen you around lately,’ Jared said after a few minutes. I hadn’t seen much of Jared since he practically copped off with Erin at Kelvin’s party and I was both disappointed and relieved by our lack of contact. I couldn’t help feeling jealous towards Erin. Why couldn’t men fancy me for a change? Why did I always end up with blokes like Gideon whose, favourite pastimes were scratching their arses and marking their farts out of ten?

  ‘No, we haven’t bumped into each other, have we?’

  ‘I suppose it’s my fault. I haven’t been keeping my lunch in the kitchen. I’ve learned my lesson.’

  ‘Sorry about Kelvin.’

  Jared stopped at a red light and turned to me. ‘It’s not your fault. He’s a grown man. He should know what’s his and what isn’t. He’s a rude arsehole if you ask me.’

  ‘And arrogant. But don’t tell him I said that.’

  Jared grinned at me. ‘I won’t tell him you called him arrogant if you don’t mention I called him an arsehole.’

  ‘Deal.’ Like a moron, I stuck out my hand but Jared humoured me and shook it, his fingers snug over my hand. It was almost like holding hands, I thought, my treacherous cheeks glaring again.

  ‘So how long have you worked at H. Woods?’

  ‘Too long.’ I gave a shrug as I threw my eyes heavenwards. ‘It’s been three years. I’m sure I must have done something terrible in a former life. But there are worst jobs, I suppose.’ And I wouldn’t be chatting to Jared if I’d never worked for Kelvin so I suppose I should have been grateful to him for that.

  ‘And why have you started walking home?’

  The question silenced me for a moment. I didn’t want to tell Jared about my weight loss bid. I’d only told Erin, Billy, Quinn and Theo so far (although I didn’t technically tell Theo, the nosy bastard was earwigging on my private conversation with Billy) and I didn’t want to broadcast it. Imagine the sniggers – ‘Ha ha, the fatty is trying to lose weight. As if!’ And the laughter would only increase if I failed.

  ‘Money’s been a bit tight this month. I’m too skint to catch the bus.’ Better Jared thought I was poor than deluded. ‘It’s just on the right, in front of the camper van.’ We’d reached Oak Road too quickly. I’d been enjoying the drive and my cheeks had finally started to behave themselves. ‘Thanks for the lift.’

  ‘Anytime. Just give me a shout if you need a ride home again.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I climbed out of the car and gave a little wave before closing the door behind me. Jared waited until I reached my front door and had successfully unlocked it before he gave a wave and drove away. Grinning, I skipped inside and leant against the closed door. Had that really just happened?

  ‘What’s up with you?’ Theo wandered out of the kitchen, scratching himself. ‘You look happy for a change.’

  I let it go. I was in too good a mood for even Theo to wind me up. ‘It must be the sight of you. You’re a very handsome man, you know. There’s no need to look so alarmed, Theo. I’m not coming on to you.’ I skipped up the stairs, running through my conversation with Jared. My mind switched to The Dress as I flopped onto my bed, trying to recreate its beauty in my head. I reached under my bed and pulled out my laptop, untying my trainers and kicking them off while I waited for it to load. I checked my emails first, replying to one from my brother and deleting the junk before beginning yet another search for diets. I was running out of time and now I’d found The Dress, I was looking for instant results so this time I searched for crash diets. Bingo! My eyes lingered on the classic Cabbage Soup Diet before I clicked for more details. It promised to help me lose weight fast – as much as ten pounds in a week, which would be a huge amount and may even counteract the damage I’d done by not following the Subway Diet correctly. I set the recipe to print and knocked on Billy’s bedroom door where his wireless printer was housed. There was no answer so I prayed he wasn’t in there with Clare as I eased the door open and peeked inside. The room was thankfully empty, so I snatched up the document from the printer on top of Billy’s chest of drawers and had turned to leave when something caught my eye. It wasn’t as though I’d never seen a box of condoms before – I had a box gathering dust in the drawer beside my bed – but this particular box gave me a jolt and I felt my skin prickle. The box was open and had fallen over, spilling the lone condom packet onto the bedside cabinet. My mind wandered to the missing condoms and the back of my neck grew warm at the thought of their use. I’d never imagined Billy having sex before, not in any graphic form, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to begin now. Clutching my printout tighter, I hurried back to my own room where I elbowed all thoughts of a naked, sweaty Billy out of my mind and made up a shopping list. I had a good feeling about the Cabbage Soup Diet. A very good feeling indeed.

  FIFTEEN

  Billy

  ‘You work too hard.’ Billy could detect Clare’s weariness even over the phone. ‘You should take a few days off.’

  ‘I’ve got a couple of days booked off in a few weeks to go on my cousin’s hen night.’

  Billy swapped the phone to his other ear and sank further into the sofa, resting his bare feet on the coffee table. ‘That’s hardly going to be a restful break, is it? Going clubbing with a bunch of rowdy women waving plastic willies around.’

  ‘It’s not going to be that kind of hen night. We’re far too mature for that kind of thing.’

  ‘Really?’ Billy thought it was the law that women had to turn into shrieking harlots before their mate/relative walked down the aisle.

  ‘No, not really. There will definitely be plastic willies. And a condom veil.’ Billy had no idea what a condom veil was but he wasn’t sure he was brave enough to ask and Clare didn’t elaborate. ‘Are you free tonight? Becki and a few of the girls and their fellas are meeting up in the pub if you want to come along.’

  Billy cringed. He didn’t want to turn down Clare’s offer but… ‘I can’t. It’s A Beginner’s Guide To You night. It’s a sort of tradition for me and Ruth to watch it together. Why don’t you come round? We can all watch it together. You don’t really know Ruth that well so you can hang out and get to know her better.’

  ‘You don’t really know my friends either. You could hang out with them and get to know them.’

  ‘And I will. Another night, I promise.’

  Billy held his breath while Clare mulled over his suggestion. Was he screwing up the first relationship he’d had in two years over a sitcom? Shoul
d he jump in quickly and agree to the meet up in the pub?

  ‘Ok. Give me half an hour.’

  Billy allowed his breath to rush out. ‘Great. Ruth will be really pleased and you’ll love her, I promise.’

  After saying goodbye, Billy raced up the stairs and showered before dousing himself in Theo’s aftershave. He raced back down the stairs and almost vomited on the bottom step. It was the second day of Ruth’s Cabbage Soup Diet and the house was filled with a thick green smog, the aftereffects of the diet. He found Ruth in the kitchen, forcing down another bowl of the repulsive soup.

  ‘I’ve had enough of this diet, Ruth. I can’t take it any more.’

  ‘I’m not asking you to eat the soup, am I?’ Ruth spooned more into her mouth and pretended it was delicious. ‘I’m not even asking you to make it any more. I nailed the last batch.’

  ‘No, but you’re making me smell it. Clare’s going to be here in fifteen minutes. What if she thinks it’s me who’s farting?’

  ‘Will you relax?’

  ‘Relax? My girlfriend is coming round and the place reeks. I know you don’t want her to come round tonight, but –’

  ‘I never said I didn’t want her to come round.’

  Billy tried not to gag as another wave of cabbage hit his nostrils. ‘You may as well have.’

  It was true that Ruth hadn’t been too pleased when Billy mentioned that Clare would be joining them for that evening’s telly entertainment.

  ‘But we always watch it together,’ she’d pointed out, pout in place. ‘Just us. Even Erin knows that Thursday evenings are our night.’ But what could she do? Billy had already invited Clare along and he was right, Ruth did want to get to know her better, so she decided to get a grip and stop sulking.

  Ruth’s spoon clattered into the bowl as she rose out of her seat. ‘You’re overreacting. I don’t mind Clare joining us. It was just a surprise, that’s all. And we’ll open the windows so it’ll be fine.’ Billy and Ruth tore around the house, opening every window and, to be on the safe side, Billy wafted the front door, trying to dispel the stench further.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Clare stood by the gate, catching Billy mid-swing.

  ‘Just checking the hinges. They’ve been sticking but they seem fine now. Come in.’ Billy took a quick sniff of the hallway as Clare made her way across the short path to the house. He could hear Ruth spraying the sitting room liberally with citrus fruit air freshener.

  ‘I’ve never actually watched A Beginner’s Guide To You before. Is it any good?’

  Billy took Clare’s jacket and hung it over the banister with the rest of the coats. ‘Any good? It’s brilliant. You’ll really enjoy it. We’ve got the first two seasons on DVD if you want to borrow them.’ He froze as Clare sniffed the air.

  ‘What’s that smell?’

  Billy decided to play dumb. It wasn’t a great stretch of his acting abilities. ‘What smell?’

  Clare gave another long sniff. ‘Have you been chopping lemons or something?’

  Billy’s breath, which he hadn’t realised he’d been holding until now, rushed out. ‘Oh, that smell.’

  ‘Yes, it’s lovely.’ Clare sniffed the air again. ‘Mmm. Lemony and… something else. Limes?’

  Billy didn’t care what the smell was as long as it wasn’t cabbage or farts. He led Clare into the sitting room, where Ruth whipped the can of air freshener behind her back.

  ‘Hi, Ruth. It’s nice to see you again.’

  ‘You too.’ Ruth stepped forward, extending her hand to shake Clare’s. As their hands met, a fog erupted from behind Ruth’s back and it wasn’t citrus fruit scented.

  ‘Oh, God. I am so sorry.’ Billy sank onto his bed, his head in his hands. It had happened a couple of hours ago and yet he was still mortified. They’d all somehow managed to sit through A Beginner’s Guide but Billy had been too tense to enjoy it and hadn’t laughed once. Instead, he’d sat next to Clare on the sofa while Ruth sat in the furthermost chair, both waiting for the ground to swallow them whole.

  ‘It’s this stupid diet she’s on. She’s trying to lose weight for a reunion we’re going to in August but I don’t know why she’s putting herself through all these diets, making herself hungry and miserable for a bunch of idiots who made her life hell at school. She’s fine the way she is and shouldn’t change for anybody.’

  ‘No, she shouldn’t.’ Billy felt the bed dip behind him as Clare climbed into bed.

  ‘She’s pretty, isn’t she?’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘And funny and a great mate.’

  ‘Billy?’ He turned as Clare tugged at his arm. ‘I’m in your bed, naked. Why are you wittering on about your housemate?’

  ‘Because I’m a complete moron?’ Billy grinned as he peeled his T-shirt over his head, clumsily hopping out of his jeans before joining Clare in bed. She was indeed gloriously naked.

  Clare woke early and left to go home to get ready for work, leaving Billy sleeping, his hair a mass of curls on the pillow and his mouth puckered like a baby’s. She stooped to kiss his warm cheek before creeping out of the bedroom and relishing the fresh air as she stepped out of the front door.

  An hour or so later, Billy stirred and headed downstairs for breakfast. Ruth was already up and about in the kitchen, stacking containers of soup on the counter.

  ‘Please tell me you’re shoving them in the wheelie bin.’ Billy was aware that his tone was pleading but if begging was what it took for Ruth to quit the Cabbage Soup Diet, he’d get down on his knees.

  ‘Don’t be silly. I’m taking these to work with me. Kelvin might steal one tub but he won’t come back for seconds, trust me.’

  Billy groaned as he grabbed a bowl from the draining board. ‘So you’re carrying on with it? Even though you smell like a dodgy drain?’

  ‘Billy, I weighed myself this morning. Do you know how much I’ve lost?’ Billy had no idea how much weight she’d shed, but she was about to lose a friend. ‘Five pounds, Billy. Five beautiful pounds. If I carry on like this, I won’t have to buy The Dress in the biggest size.’

  ‘If you carry on like this, I’m going to have to move out.’

  Ruth gave Billy’s hair a ruffle. ‘If I’d have known a few cabbages would get rid of you, I’d have stocked up years ago. Could you be a doll and take Theo with you?’ She picked up the stack of soup and left Billy alone in the kitchen. No longer hungry after the stench lingering around his bowl, he headed upstairs to get ready for work.

  Theo was up late as usual and no matter how much Billy chivvied him along, they left the house at the very last minute and had to run for the bus. It was one of the many cons of both living and working with Theo.

  ‘I’m buying you an alarm clock for Christmas,’ Billy grumbled as they searched the upper deck for a non-existent vacant seat.

  ‘You bought me an alarm clock last year. It’s still in the box.’

  ‘So why don’t you use it?’ Billy grabbed hold of a pole as the bus swerved, sending his feet shuffling along the floor. He felt like a tit as a couple of teenage girls ineffectually muffled their giggles behind their hands.

  ‘I don’t need an alarm clock with you nagging like an old woman for me to get up. You should chill out. When are we ever late for work?’

  ‘Every day? You do realise we start at nine, don’t you?’

  ‘You might start at nine but I don’t. I need my breakfast and my morning dump before I can even think of working. Speaking of taking a dump, what the hell is going on with Ruth? I was scared of using the oven last night in case the spark ignited the whole house.’

  ‘It’s her new diet for the reunion.’

  Theo shook his head. ‘It’s a waste of time. Why doesn’t she just sit on the tossers who teased her? That’d teach them more of a lesson than showing up skinny.’

  ‘I think it’s more about her own self-worth than teaching them a lesson. And they didn’t just tease her. They tortured the poor girl. The only time anybody ever spoke to her was
to call her disgusting names.’

  ‘Whatever. She should still sit on them.’

  The bus trundled along, depositing people at every stop but none from the upper deck so Billy and Theo had to remain standing for the entire journey. They arrived at the office a mere twelve minutes late.

  ‘I’m off to the canteen. Coming?’ Theo asked, but Billy shook his head and went straight to his desk and switched on his computer. He got straight to work, only pausing at lunchtime to grab a sandwich and check his emails.

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Girlfriend???

  What’s this I hear about you having a girlfriend? Ruth has just emailed me and assumed I knew who ‘Clare’ was. Come on, matey, spill!

  Billy was sure he’d told Stephen about Clare, even if it was only a vague email back in the beginning. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t mentioned her since – he probably didn’t want to jinx their relationship or something.

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Girlfriend???

  I have been seeing somebody. I guess you could call her my girlfriend. She’s really cool. You’d like her. She’s pretty and funny and has somehow found herself with me.

  Anyway, how are you, Aubrey and the little ones?

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Re: Re: Girlfriend???

  We’re all good. Austin’s looking forward to coming to England again. He wants to watch a soccer match while we’re there and Riley wants to meet the Queen. She’s planning on bringing her plastic tea set with us. Ryder couldn’t care less. He’s eighteen months and doesn’t know what England is yet. I’ve tried teaching him but it doesn’t seem to be going in. He did master ‘square’ yesterday so I’m sure England will be his next triumph.