A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Girlfriend???

  You could start by teaching Austin it’s football and not soccer. Repeat after me: Foot. Ball. Football. Not soccer. Don’t go all American on me

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Girlfriend???

  Sorry, sorry, sorry. You’re right.

  Football.

  Football.

  Football.

  Football.

  Football.

  Is that better?

  To: billy.worth

  From: theo.logan

  Subject: Canteen Jo

  She’s wearing a low-cut top and one of them pushy up bras. Her tits are up to her eyeballs. Go and have a look!

  To: theo.logan

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Canteen Jo

  I’m seeing Clare, remember?

  To: billy.worth

  From: theo.logan

  Subject: Re: Re: Canteen Jo

  You’re not married.

  To: theo.logan

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Canteen Jo

  I’m here to work, not ogle women.

  To: billy.worth

  From: theo.logan

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Canteen Jo

  Pussy.

  To: billy.worth

  From: ruthlynch01

  Subject: Cabbage Soup Diet

  You win. The diet’s off.

  Ruth x

  SIXTEEN

  Ruth

  I had a fantastic start to the morning, waking early and refreshed after a fabulous night’s sleep. Instead of groaning and pulling the covers over my head and wishing I could pause time for another hour or three, I leapt out of bed, eager to start the day. And I hadn’t even weighed myself by that point. That glorious moment came five minutes later, about three seconds before I began a silent squeal and dance around the bathroom, not wanting to wake the others in the house. Five pounds! I’d lost five bloody pounds! Happy doesn’t come close to describing the way I felt in that moment as I stepped off the scales and stepped on again to double check. Nope, I was right the first time. Five bloody pounds! Cabbage soup wasn’t the most appetising meal but it was working and that was all that mattered.

  I showered and dressed in a yellow daisy print dress so the outside represented my cheerful mood inside and skipped down the stairs for breakfast. I was humming to myself as I gathered a few tubs of soup in the kitchen when Billy shuffled into the room, stopping dead in the doorway.

  ‘Please tell me you’re shoving them in the wheelie bin.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’ Why would I throw them away? I should have been building a shrine to the wondrous foodstuff. ‘I’m taking these to work with me. Kelvin might steal one tub but he won’t come back for seconds, trust me.’ I’d have paid good money to see his face as he took a sneaky sip of the nauseating soup.

  ‘So you’re carrying on with it? Even though you smell like a dodgy drain?’

  ‘Billy, I weighed myself this morning. Do you know how much I’ve lost?’ Placing my hands on my hips (had they shrunk? They felt smaller), I awaited an answer that never materialised. ‘Five pounds, Billy. Five beautiful pounds. If I carry on like this, I won’t have to buy The Dress in the biggest size.’

  ‘If you carry on like this I’m going to have to move out.’

  I gave Billy’s hair a ruffle, my mood so great I almost stooped to kiss his chaotic curls. ‘If I’d have known a few cabbages would get rid of you, I’d have stocked up years ago. Could you be a doll and take Theo with you?’ Giggling to myself, I grabbed the stack of soup and popped them into my fabric bag for life along with my heels and headed out to work.

  My mood was further lifted as I felt the first weak rays of the sun on my face as I stepped outside. Spring, like my diet, had given itself a kick up the arse and was out in full force with daisies and crocuses popping up in gardens and grass verges. The air was approaching warm and was certainly more comfortable than the biting frost we’d had lately. I was now truly grateful that I was walking to work in the fresh air instead of catching the stuffy bus because at least while I was out in the open, I was no longer engulfed in a cloud of cabbagey farts, the only downside of my diet.

  I made it to H. Woods slightly out of puff but with a feeling of exhilaration and pride. A few weeks ago I would have laughed in your face if you’d suggested I walked to work, but I’d done it yet again and it was getting easier every day.

  ‘You look lovely and bright this morning.’ Quinn smiled at me as I headed towards her desk for our usual morning catch up.

  ‘I feel lovely and bright this morning.’ I paused to add a bit of suspense and mystery to our ritual gossip as I leant forward on the desk and lowered my voice. ‘I’ve lost five pounds.’

  ‘Five?’ Quinn’s mouth gaped, her eyes practically popping out of her head. ‘Wow, that’s fantastic. Let’s have a look at you.’

  I took a couple of steps back from the desk and gave a twirl while Quinn applauded.

  ‘You look wonderful, Ruth. Well done.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I flicked my wrist to check the time. As much as I was enjoying being praised and admired, I didn’t want Kelvin to catch me chatting away instead of being chained to my desk.

  Quinn saw me checking the time. ‘There’s no rush. Kelvin’s just phoned. There’s a bit of a crisis so he’s got back-to-back meetings at Westerly’s all morning. He asked me to let you know so you can cancel his appointment with Angelina at eleven and he said his wife might call about a plumber or something.’

  Yes! A whole morning of skiving. ‘In that case, would you like a coffee?’

  I was having a fabulous morning. Not only had I lost five pounds, Kelvin would be out of the office all morning, leaving me to sit back, feet up on the desk, leafing through the stack of magazines Quinn had finished with. I’d tried to convince Erin to pop over for half an hour but she was adamant she couldn’t leave her office.

  ‘I’m sorry, Ruth. I can’t get away. We’re really busy over here.’

  ‘Busy? But you’re never too busy for a skive and we need to celebrate my weight loss.’

  ‘And we will, I promise.’ I heard Erin cover the mouthpiece, followed by muffled voices. ‘I’m really sorry. Richard needs me. It’s urgent. I’ll call you later.’

  Fine. I’d celebrate by myself. I’d pretend my cup of vending machine water was champagne. Raising the plastic cup, I toasted myself before taking a delicate sip.

  ‘It’s no use. It’s just crappy old water.’

  ‘It’s the first sign of madness, you know, talking to yourself.’ My water nearly flew in the air as I jumped in fright, swinging my feet back down to the floor and sweeping the magazines under the desk. Jared strode into the office looking as gorgeous as ever in a grey tailored suit.

  ‘I think it’s too late for me. I lost my marbles years ago.’ I chortled as I kicked the magazines further under the desk.

  ‘You’re not the only one.’ Jared gave a small smile and perched on the corner of my desk, his arse mere inches away from my hands. I could easily reach out and stroke his leg. But I wouldn’t.

  ‘I think most of H. Woods’ employees have lost it. They must have to still be working here.’

  Jared laughed but stopped suddenly, his brow creasing. He sniffed the air, his nose wrinkling in response.

  ‘What is that smell?’

  Oh bugger. It was me. Being the only one in the office that morning, I’d been free to do whatever I pleased. Including polluting the air with cabbageness.

  ‘It’s Kelvin,’ I whispered, nodding my head towards the empty office next to mine. Luckily the door was shut so Jared wouldn’t know whether he was in there or not. ‘I think he had something dodgy for his tea last night. He’s been hiding in there all morning, stinking the place out. I told him he should be at home, tucked up in bed but he refuses. He’s a m
artyr to this business. And he’s a stubborn git.’

  Jared hopped off the desk and my hand, completely of its own accord, flew out in a last ditch attempt to caress him so I hid the gesture by reaching for my hole punch.

  ‘I’ve got some forms that I need him to sign.’ Jared waved the stack of papers in his hand while I jumped out of my seat, dropping the hole punch onto the desk with a clatter.

  ‘Don’t go in there!’ I had to stop him before he discovered the empty room and figured out that I was the foul-smelling beast. ‘He’s so embarrassed, you see. He doesn’t want anybody to see him while he has his upset stomach. If you leave the forms with me, I’ll get Kelvin to sign them and bring them back to you later.’

  I held my breath, willing Jared to hand over the papers and leave. My breath came out in a rush as the papers were lifted towards me and my fingers made contact. Phew! Disaster averted.

  ‘That company couldn’t find their arse with both hands and a map. Coffee, Ruth, quick as you can.’

  I squeezed my eyes shut as Kelvin strode into the office, stomach in full working order and his body odour free. The papers were snatched out of my reach as Jared turned towards the voice.

  ‘Hello, Kelvin. You’re looking well.’

  ‘I don’t feel it.’ Kelvin gave a shake of his head, his jowls flapping in rhythm. ‘I’ve been stuck at Westerly’s since eight. I didn’t think I was ever going to get into the office today.’

  ‘Is that so?’

  ‘It’s been a bloody nightmare.’ Kelvin turned to me, unaware of what he had done. ‘Did Susan call about the plumber? And what is that smell? It smells like someone’s died in here.’

  The only thing that had died was any scrap of self-respect I’d ever possessed – and the Cabbage Soup Diet.

  I felt like James Bond over the next few days, sneaking around corners, peering up and down corridors before revealing myself in case Jared Williams happened to be there. I avoided the kitchen, the place we had conversed most frequently, making Kelvin’s cups of coffee in a flash before scurrying back to the office, eyes darting left and right at all times. It was exhausting.

  ‘You look like you could do with a sit down.’ Quinn patted the vacant seat next to her behind the reception desk. ‘Have you got five minutes?’

  Taking furtive glances around the general area, I assessed the risk was low and sank into the seat.

  ‘What’s up with you? You’ve been really jumpy lately and I saw you sprint across the car park when you left last night.’

  I had sprinted across the car park. And thought I was suffering from a heart attack as a consequence. It turned out to be a stitch but it had been a truly terrifying experience for those five breathless minutes.

  ‘Who are you avoiding?’

  ‘Avoiding? Nobody.’ I laughed off the very idea. I couldn’t tell her the truth, could I?

  ‘Is it Erin? Have you had a falling out?’ I hung my head, giving it a bob up and down. I hoped my nose didn’t start to grow. ‘Oh, that’s a shame. You two are so close. I bet it’s over something silly, isn’t it? I’m sure you can sort it out.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I lifted my head to smile at Quinn but my face froze as I saw Jared through the small window in the door leading to reception. ‘Shit! I’m not here, ok?’ Quinn didn’t have time to respond before I flung myself under the desk, curling up as tight as I could. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pretend I was somewhere else as I heard Jared’s footsteps approaching. He exchanged pleasantries with Quinn and then he was gone.

  ‘That wasn’t Erin.’

  I unfurled and rose to my feet, smoothing down my skirt. ‘No, it wasn’t.’

  ‘What’s going on, Ruth?’

  I cringed. ‘I can’t tell you. It’s too embarrassing.’

  Quinn smiled as she placed a hand on my arm. ‘Do you fancy him? Is that it? It’s ok, you know. I think every woman in the building fancies the pants off him.’ She patted my arm, problem solved.

  ‘Thanks, Quinn.’ I attempted a smile as I backed away. ‘I’d better be getting back up to my desk.’ Making sure the coast was clear, I made my way out of reception and up the stairs, surveying the corridor before continuing to my office.

  ‘Ruth!’ I’d barely got my toes over the threshold before Kelvin started barking. ‘Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’ He was sat behind his desk, arse welded to his leather chair. He hadn’t moved an inch since I’d left the office, the lying toad. ‘I’ve got a meeting at half past eleven. I need you to take minutes.’

  My head snapped up, my interest piqued. I didn’t usually get given the opportunity to take minutes, mainly because I was a bit crap at keeping up and my notes may as well have been made by little green men from Jupiter for all the sense they made. One of the HR assistants usually carried out the role, so I was excited. Taking minutes was the best way to hear all the gossip first hand. When the L. M. Brown contract went tits up because Mr Brown was a raging alcoholic who’d accidently set fire to his warehouse, I’d been sitting at the table as Kelvin and co discussed the fallout, too engrossed and itching to share it with Erin to make proper notes. But now I was being given the opportunity to redeem myself.

  ‘Cheryl’s on holiday so you’ll have to do it.’ I was sure Kelvin rolled his eyes at me beneath his thick glasses. ‘You’ll need to order lunch for…’ He held up a hand to count, muttering the names to himself as he went. ‘Five. Or six if you’re hungry too.’

  ‘Thanks but my lunch is sorted.’ I had a couple of grapefruit sitting in my bottom drawer. I wasn’t keen on that particular fruit but the Grapefruit Diet was similar to the Cabbage Soup Diet without all the nasty side effects so I was hoping it would have similar results.

  ‘Hmm, whatever.’ Kelvin tapped his watch and sent me on my way. I organised a lunchtime banquet to be delivered from a local sandwich shop and hurried to the kitchen to make pots of tea and coffee, setting them up in the meeting room just before it was due to begin. All was going well until the attendees started to filter into the room. Sally from HR, Production Manager Hugh Gunner, Glenn from Accounts and Purchasing Manager Jared Williams.

  Shit! My eyes flew about the room in search of a hiding place but it was too late. He’d seen me. Kelvin waddled into the room and I flew at him, my eyes wild.

  ‘I can’t take the minutes.’

  ‘I know. You’re crap at it but we’ve got no choice.’

  ‘No, I really can’t take the minutes. I’m not feeling well.’

  Kelvin narrowed his eyes at me, hunting for any signs of bullshit. ‘What’s up with you?’

  I only had one shot at this so I had to be convincing. I clutched my stomach, letting out a howl. ‘It’s my stomach. It’s, you know…’ I lowered my voice. ‘Women’s trouble.’

  Kelvin’s nostrils flared and he stood up straight, clearing his throat and averting his gaze. ‘Yes, yes. Go. Sally will have to take the minutes.’ I scurried away before he could change his mind but he called me back before I could reach the door. ‘You did order lunch, didn’t you?’

  SEVENTEEN

  Jared

  Sammy was wearing more make-up than usual, her face a strange orange colour that ended at her jawline and tinged her thin eyebrows. The apples of her cheeks shone brightly with a deep pink and, coupled with thick, spider-leg-like eyelashes, gave the impression of a doll. Jared wondered whether she would close her eyes if he tipped her backwards but he quickly pushed the thought away. Any contact with Sammy, especially of the horizontal kind, would only encourage her crush.

  ‘So that’s two black pens and a pack of post-its?’ The office junior was sitting opposite Jared in his office, a notepad on her lap while she sucked suggestively on the end of a biro. Sammy could have taken his stationery order via email as she had with the rest of the department but she’d made an exception for Jared. He was beginning to think the poor girl had been taking lessons from Angelina. Speaking of which, Jared glanced above Sammy’s head and noted that
the vamp was still there, hovering on the other side of his window, segmented by the half open blinds.

  ‘Yep, that’s it. Thanks, Sammy.’

  ‘Are you sure there isn’t anything else you want from me?’ Sammy gave a girlish giggle and batted her eyelashes, which must have taken great strength given the three million coats of mascara she’d applied that morning.

  She had been taking lessons from Angelina.

  ‘No thank you. The pens and post its will be fine.’

  ‘I’m not just offering stationery, you know.’

  Jared was appalled. Sammy was just a kid, barely out of school. He thought of his sister, a year or two younger than Sammy, and felt his gut clench. He’d kill anybody who touched Jimmy, let alone a thirty-odd-year-old man in authority.

  ‘There’s nothing else I need, Sammy.’ Jared’s tone was brisk with no hint of friendliness in case she mistook it for flirtation. ‘Now, I really must get on. I have a meeting in ten minutes.’

  ‘Oh. Ok.’ Sammy rose from her seat and tugged down her skirt, attempting to cover a little more of her thighs. She scuttled out of the room on her stilt-like heels, but there wasn’t even a split second of reprieve as Angelina strode into the office in her place. They were like a bloody tag team.

  ‘What can I do for you, Angelina?’ Jared kept his head down as he scribbled on his notepad. If he made eye contact, she would pounce.

  ‘Are you busy?’

  ‘Extremely.’ Thank God. ‘I have a meeting with Kelvin in a few minutes.’

  ‘Oh.’ Angelina pouted her glossy red lips but she took it upon herself to glide into Sammy’s vacated seat. She was wearing a short, low-cut black dress that displayed both her lacy bra and suspender belt when she sat down. Jared held back a sigh. Some days it felt like he was working on a porn shoot.