A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Is that the time? Sorry, I really must get to my meeting. I hope it wasn’t anything urgent you needed me for.’ Swiping his jacket off the back of his chair, Jared fled from his office, not even bothering to save or close his work on the computer. He was aware of Angelina watching him as he dashed away, her red lips parted in shock. Still, she’d survive.

  Despite leaving earlier than he needed to, Jared was still almost the last to arrive at the meeting room, with only Kelvin trundling along the corridor behind him. Jared slipped into the room and a smile crept onto his face as he spotted Ruth laying out the tea and coffee cups. It was a relief to be able to talk to a woman who didn’t throw herself at him, desperate to undo his trousers at a mere ‘good morning’. Not that Ruth was talking to him any more. She’d been avoiding him at all costs over the last few days, even throwing herself under the reception desk at one point. Of course he’d seen her, but he didn’t want to embarrass her further by pointing it out.

  Ruth turned and froze when she spotted Jared. His smile widened, wanting to show that they were still friends, but the smile wasn’t returned. Ruth leapt at Kelvin, babbled at him and ran from the room. Jared wished she would get over her embarrassment. He missed chatting to her in the kitchen, which he frequented far more than he should in an attempt to bump into her. He liked Ruth and enjoyed her company. She was down to earth and natural and didn’t feel the need to shove her cleavage in his face. An image of Ruth’s cleavage popped into Jared’s head and it both pleased and repulsed him. He hadn’t thought about a woman like that since Frances.

  ‘Jared? Are you going to sit down then?’

  Jared blinked away the image. The others were all sitting around the table, looking up at him as he daydreamed by the door.

  ‘Yes. Yes, of course.’ He sat down at the table and poured himself a coffee, determined not to think about Ruth until after the meeting.

  He thought about Ruth for the duration of the meeting. How could he not? She had, after all, prepared the coffee and the towering plate of fancy biscuits. She’d ordered their lunch and so he thought of her with every bite of his sandwich and vanilla slice. He wasn’t sure what it was about Ruth, but he felt drawn to her. Perhaps it was her laugh or her vibrant mood, from her colourful clothes to her radiant smile. Perhaps it was simply because she was a happy person and Jared hadn’t felt anything close to happy since his heart was broken. He hadn’t felt particularly unhappy for the past year or so, not like in the beginning, but he hadn’t felt light and free and so perhaps he was hoping Ruth’s jovial energy would somehow transfer itself onto him and remind him what being content felt like.

  ‘I think that’s it then.’ Kelvin glanced around the table, ensuring there hadn’t been any neglected points. ‘I’ll be off for a late lunch then.’

  Jared looked from Kelvin, struggling out of his seat, to the empty plates. Hadn’t they had lunch? What were the sandwiches and pies and quiches? The cakes and pastries?

  Kelvin managed to heave himself to his feet before addressing Sally. ‘Pass those notes onto Ruth. She’ll type them up and circulate this afternoon.’

  ‘I’ll take them up to Ruth.’ Sally blinked in surprise as the sheath of papers was tugged from her fingers. ‘I’m going up that way anyway.’ Jared moved quickly before anybody could argue and hopped up the stairs towards Ruth’s office. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to her, but he had to say something otherwise their friendship, however brief, would crumble into nothingness.

  Jared paused in the doorway but Ruth’s office was empty. He tried Kelvin’s office but the door was locked. His shoulders sank. Picking up Ruth’s stack of pink post-it notes, he tore the top sheet off and stuck it to the minutes before scribbling a note.

  Kelvin wants you to type up and circulate these this afternoon.

  Jared

  Did he leave an x? Or leave it at that?

  He left it and wandered back towards the stairwell, passing the kitchen en route. As he did so, he spotted a familiar frame within and his spirits lifted. Ruth was holding a pair of grapefruit in her hands, which made Jared think of her cleavage once again. He pushed the thought away. It wasn’t right and made him feel sordid.

  ‘Ah, there you are.’ He strode into the kitchen, his friendliest smile plastered onto his face. ‘I’ve just been to your office. Kelvin asked me to leave the minutes on your desk. He’s gone out for lunch.’

  ‘Oh. Thanks.’ Ruth juggled the grapefruit into the crook of one arm, yanked open the little drawer above the cupboard and grabbed the first knife she could lay her hands on. It was a butter knife, which Jared didn’t think would be much use with the grapefruit. Flashing Jared an almost-smile, Ruth legged it from the kitchen.

  ‘Ruth, wait!’ She acted as though she hadn’t heard as Jared called after her, but he knew she probably had so there was no point in going after her. Instead, he made his way back to his own office, shutting himself away so he could think. He wasn’t permitted thirty seconds before Angelina popped her head around the door.

  ‘Not now, Angelina. I’m busy.’ Jared hadn’t meant to snap but perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps that was what Angelina needed to back off. Glistening lips pouting, she retreated, closing the door softly behind her.

  Jared picked up his phone and, before he could think himself out of it, he had dialled Ruth’s extension. He couldn’t explain it, but he had to talk to her.

  ‘Hi, Ruth. It’s Jared. I was just wondering if you found the minutes.’ Should he have put an x?

  ‘Yes. They’re in my in tray. Thank you.’

  ‘Would you like to come to the pub with me for lunch?’ He spoke quickly, before she could hang up on him. He’d already eaten, but if Kelvin could have two lunches, why couldn’t he?

  Jared waited an age for Ruth to answer. He assumed she would say no, still too mortified after the smelly office incident. But Jared didn’t care about that and he’d never mention it again.

  ‘Yes, I suppose so.’

  Jared was stunned. He’d been prepared for rejection. ‘Oh, right. Yes. Fantastic. Do you want to meet me in reception? Five minutes?’

  ‘Ok.’ Ruth was still hesitant, but she hadn’t retracted her acceptance.

  Yes, yes, yes! Lovely Ruth was meeting him for lunch. Perhaps their friendship could be salvaged after all.

  ‘Great. See you in five minutes then. Bye.’ Jared put the phone down and found himself drumming his fingers on the desk, his own little private happy dance. Checking he had his wallet, he floated out of the purchasing department, skipping along the corridor until he was greeted by Erin.

  ‘Hi. It’s Jared, right?’ They hadn’t spoken since Kelvin’s birthday bash, the night when Erin had helped him avoid Angelina’s clutches.

  ‘Yep and you’re Ruth’s friend, Erin.’

  ‘Good memory. I’m just on my way to see Ruth, actually.’

  ‘Oh, she won’t be there.’ It took great effort for Jared to stop himself from tapping his fingers along the pale blue wall of the corridor in another celebration. ‘I’m meeting her for lunch.’

  ‘Really?’ Jared was taken aback as Erin looped her arm through his. ‘I haven’t eaten lunch yet. It’s been manic up in Sales and Marketing and I’m starving. Where are we going?’

  ‘Ruth and I are going to The Bonnie Dundee.’ Jared was too nice – and weak – to tell Erin that she wasn’t invited but he hoped that by reiterating that it was his and Ruth’s plan, she may have got the picture.

  ‘The Bonnie Dundee?’ Erin pulled a face. ‘It’s a dive but better than nothing, I suppose. At least they serve alcohol.’

  Erin hadn’t got the picture and by the way she tugged Jared along the corridor by his arm, it seemed she had taken over the whole lunch date.

  EIGHTEEN

  Ruth

  Why did I ever think the Grapefruit Diet was a good idea? The Cabbage Soup Diet had been one of the most mortifying experiences of my life – yes, even more mortifying than the time Zack and two of his
friends swiped my PE top from my bag and all squeezed into it before parading around the school grounds – but at least I could eat the bloody soup. I’d been hacking away at my grapefruit for ten minutes without success. Granted, I’d grabbed a butter knife in my haste to run away from Jared, but this was ridiculous. I threw the knife down onto my desk as the phone rang and snatched up the receiver. My face was aflame as soon as I heard Jared speak on the other end, the Green Fog Incident instantly flashing before me. He asked me to meet him for lunch and my immediate reaction was a big fat no. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as Jared, never mind sit with him to eat. Oh, God, it was so embarrassing. Not only had I farted so much that I’d filled the room with a retch-inducing stench, I’d lied about it and blamed it on Kelvin, only to be caught out. I’d never be able to look Jared in the eye again.

  But then I looked at the grapefruit, stabbed and grazed, and I knew that even if I did manage to penetrate the skin, it wouldn’t be worth it. I’d be left hungry and the bitterness would cause a twitch in my eye for at least quarter of an hour afterwards. The idea of going out to lunch, even to the humble Bonnie Dundee, was tempting despite my shame. I found myself agreeing to meet Jared in reception, already wincing at the discomfort I would feel throughout the lunch break. Hanging up the phone, I grabbed my handbag and flew along the corridor, catapulting myself into the ladies’ to touch up my make-up. Jared wouldn’t fancy me, especially after the Green Fog Incident, but there was no harm in looking my best. A quick smear of lipstick and a fresh coat of mascara and I was as ready to face Jared as I was ever going to be. I tried to hold my head up high as I slowed my pace and headed down to reception, but it was difficult with the fog still lingering in my mind.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ Quinn asked when she saw my coat slung over my arm.

  ‘Out to lunch. I’m meeting –’ My words clogged in my mouth as Jared came into view, arm in arm with Erin. She was giggling, her eyes shining as she gazed up at Jared, her body leaning into his as they walked with their arms linked together. With my heart sinking to my knees, I realised what a gorgeous couple they made – Jared tall and lean with shorn blond hair and Erin petite with dark, heavy hair. Opposites, but utterly perfect together.

  ‘Hi, Ruth. Are you ready?’

  Part of me had been hoping that Erin was simply walking with Jared while on her way to somewhere else in the building, but it seemed we were off out to lunch as a threesome. I wondered how the arrangement had come about; had Jared asked me or Erin first? Was I gate-crashing a date?

  ‘I’m not really that hungry, actually. I think I’ll leave you to it.’ I backed away, but Erin loosened her grip on Jared to grab me by the arm.

  ‘Don’t be silly. Come for a drink if nothing else.’ She looked at Jared, who nodded in agreement. ‘I hope you don’t mind me tagging along. I ran into Jared and he invited me along too.’

  It wasn’t that I minded Erin coming as such. She was my best friend, I adored the girl. But with Erin there, I’d become invisible and – Oh God – become a gooseberry. It wouldn’t be Erin tagging along to lunch, it’d be me.

  ‘Come on, before they unplug the microwave for the day.’ Erin tightened her grip and I found myself being pulled out of the building. With Erin in the middle, the three of us walked across to the pub, Erin chatting away as we went.

  ‘So do you have a girlfriend then, Jared?’

  ‘No.’

  Erin’s smile seeped up into her cheeks. Correct answer. Not that having a girlfriend would have stopped her homing in. ‘A wife? Any kids?’

  Jared laughed. ‘I thought we were having lunch, not an interrogation.’

  ‘I’m just getting to know you. You can ask me questions too. Go on. Ask me anything.’

  ‘What are you having to drink?’ We’d reached the pub and Jared broke away from our trio to open the door.

  The pub was deserted, with just the landlord propped up against the bar watching daytime TV on the tiny, dusty television in the corner of the room. He stood up straight as we walked in, his bushy eyebrows jumping up to his hairline. I don’t think many customers frequented The Bonnie Dundee in the afternoon. Perhaps they would have had a booming trade from H. Woods and the other units of the business park if they served decent food, but it wasn’t to be.

  Jared went to the bar while Erin and I chose a table. The least grubby was by the window and it also had the added bonus of being as far away from Loose Women on the telly as possible.

  ‘He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?’

  ‘Who? Timothy?’ The landlord was greying and the wrong side of fifty, and he was no George Clooney who could pull off the look.

  Erin gave me a nudge with her elbow. ‘Don’t be daft. I’m talking about Jared. Do you fancy him?’

  Did I fancy Jared? I had eyes and a libido. Of course I fancied the man. ‘No. He’s not my type.’

  ‘Good. Because I fancy the pants off him.’ She rubbed her hands together, already gleeful and confident that she would bag him. I felt a little bit sick. It was so easy for Erin.

  ‘Do you want me to leave the two of you alone?’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’ Erin gave my hand a squeeze. ‘The drinks are here now, anyway.’

  Jared placed our drinks on the table and sat opposite us. ‘The ploughman’s is off the menu today. They haven’t got any cheese. So I’ve ordered us the spaghetti bolognese.’

  ‘Yum.’ Erin rubbed her stomach before pulling a face. ‘This place is seriously depressing. We should go on a proper night out. How about this Friday?’

  Jared bobbed his head up and down. ‘Sounds good. I’m in. Ruth?’

  I shook my head. ‘I can’t. I have plans.’ It was Billy’s birthday on Monday so Billy, Clare, Theo and I were going for a meal at Cosmo’s to celebrate, and Friday was the only evening we could all get together.

  ‘How about Saturday then?’

  Erin shook her head this time. ‘I can’t. It has to be Friday, I’m afraid.’ She placed a hand on Jared’s arm, her raspberry-painted nails bright against the pub’s dull interior. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. Let’s swap numbers.’

  With the Grapefruit Diet out, I needed to find another diet. Yet another search on the internet came up with the Israeli Army Diet and while it was restrictive, it did offer variety throughout the week. On days one and two I would eat just apples. Days three and four would then be cheese, followed by chicken for days five and six and salad for days seven and eight, with black tea and coffee permitted throughout. I was sick of the sight of apples by lunchtime of day one so I was more than happy to switch to cheese on Friday, just in time for Billy’s birthday celebration. I’d bought a pale blue tunic dress with a deep pink rose design for the occasion, which I teamed with thick white tights and caramel suede tasselled boots.

  ‘You look lovely,’ Clare told me when she arrived. Billy was still getting ready upstairs, having left it until the last minute, so I led Clare into the sitting room.

  ‘Thank you. You look gorgeous. I love your dress.’ Clare had dressed up for the occasion, wearing an emerald, beaded halterneck dress that hugged her waist before flowing down her thighs and calves and grazing the floor.

  ‘Thanks. It cost a fortune but it was worth it.’ Clare didn’t seem to mind that Billy had dressed in a pair of jeans (albeit his least scruffy pair) and a T-shirt. She gazed at him with utter adoration and I felt my stomach tighten momentarily, a feeling I was familiar with. It was the same feeling I’d had when Zack O’Connell flirted with the popular girls at school, laughing and joking, slinging his arm around their shoulders and ruffling their hair. I wanted to be like those girls, to have the attention of somebody like Zack. To be desired.

  ‘Wow, look at you.’ Billy paused to take in Clare before kissing her cheek while she beamed. The knot tightened in my stomach again and for the first time in a decade, I doubted that I could manage to eat a meal. But it was too late to back out now as Billy was leading us out of the house. I hung back a fe
w paces with Theo while Billy and Clare walked ahead, hand in hand.

  ‘Sickening, isn’t it?’ Theo nodded at their entwined hands and pulled a face.

  ‘Don’t you want that?’ I did, very much so. I wanted somebody to gaze at me with adoration as I gazed back equally enthralled. I wanted to walk hand in hand, to have a companion and friend as well as a lover.

  ‘I can’t think of anything worse. Commitment is for losers.’ Theo sounded exactly like Erin. ‘Why would I want to stick with one bird when I can have them all?’

  Theo didn’t see the point of a loving relationship, of a partnership that went beyond sexual gratification and I didn’t have the energy to try to explain. He wouldn’t have listened and I would have felt that gut-tightening need again.

  Ahead, Billy and Clare paused on the pavement and Billy stooped to kiss Clare, cupping her chin in such a tender way I couldn’t bear to look. An image of Jared cupping Erin’s chin in a similar manner popped into my head and my appetite was wiped out completely. They were going out on their date that evening and I knew exactly how that would end – the same way all of Erin’s dates ended. The only saving grace was Erin’s inability to commit. She’d sleep with Jared and then toss him aside, which was a relief because I didn’t think I could have stomached seeing them together, hand in hand, stares of adoration radiating between them. For once, Erin’s sluttish tendencies were a godsend.

  Unless… My mind went into overdrive, throwing up alternate outcomes. Erin might find a man to tame her one day, a man who would convince her of the benefits of settling down into a proper relationship and who better to do that than Jared? What if they got together? Dated on a regular basis, gave each other pet names, perhaps even moving in together one day? I’d have no choice but to watch their love blossom before me. Erin was my best friend and I would never let a man come between us, so I would have to endure her relationship with Jared on a sickening daily basis.