A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

‘Straight after work. I have my suitcase in the boot of my car and I’m picking a couple of the girls up on the way.’

  Billy reached across the table and took Clare’s warm hand in his. Everything about Clare was warm, so she must have been pretty annoyed to go off on one. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

  ‘Me too. I may have overreacted.’ Clare screwed up her nose and Billy couldn’t help smiling. She looked so cute when she did that. ‘I just wanted to spend a bit of time with you before I go away. I’ll really miss you.’

  ‘I’ll miss you too.’ Billy wasn’t sure he’d actually have time to miss Clare – it was only a weekend apart, after all – but he knew it would make Clare feel better if he said it.

  ‘Will you? Will you really?’

  Billy gave her hand a squeeze. ‘Of course I will.’

  Clare flashed him a smile and he knew in that moment that he was safe.

  Billy worked late that evening to make up for the time he’d spent with Clare at lunchtime and decided to treat himself to a pint on the way home. It felt weird to be sitting in the pub on his own as he was usually with Clare these days. Making the most of his short reprieve, he stayed at the pub for a little longer, feeling quite merry by the time his rumbling stomach sent him home. He was making his way along Oak Road and nearing his house when he spotted Ruth climbing out of a car, her pink gym bag slung over her shoulder. He admired her determination to lose weight, even though he thought she was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Why put herself through all these diets and exercise for some little prick she went to school with?

  ‘Oi, Ruthie!’ He staggered towards his friend and threw his arms around her, pressing his beer-tinged lips onto hers. Ruth giggled and ruffled his hair.

  ‘Are you drunk?’

  Billy gave a shrug. ‘Maybe.’

  She laughed, her signature boom filling the darkening street with happiness. ‘You are. Come on, let’s get you inside.’ She turned to wave at the driver of the car before looping her arm through Billy’s to keep him steady and leading him to their house.

  Ruth helped Billy out of his jacket and deposited him on the sofa before she removed her own jacket and slipped off her shoes. She flung her gym gear into the wash before returning to the sitting room where she found Billy squinting at a stack of takeaway menus.

  ‘I’m starving. What shall we have?’

  Ruth shook her head. ‘I’m not having a takeaway.’ She was no longer on her strict diets but it seemed a shame to put all her hard work at the gym to waste. ‘It’ll take me ages to work it off.’

  ‘Then don’t.’ Billy observed Ruth for a moment before emitting a short sigh. ‘You don’t need to lose weight. You’re perfect the way you are. So pretty and lovely.’

  ‘Jesus, Billy, how much have you had to drink?’

  Billy jerked his body upright, sitting up straight on the sofa. ‘Not that much. I’m not saying this because I’m pissed. It’s true. Look at you.’

  ‘You’re pissed.’

  Billy gave a lopsided shrug. ‘Perhaps. But I’m also starving. Are you sure you don’t want a takeaway?’

  ‘Oh go on then.’ Ruth snatched the sheaf of menus. ‘As long as it’s Chinese.’

  Billy and Ruth didn’t get the chance to hang out together very often any more as Ruth spent most evenings at the gym and Billy was usually with Clare, who Ruth didn’t think liked her very much.

  ‘It’s just a vibe I get from her.’

  Billy waved away her concern. ‘She doesn’t dislike you. She’s a lovely girl. I don’t think she has it in her to think badly of anyone.’

  Ruth jabbed a mushroom and chewed it slowly, deep in thought. ‘So is it love between you two then?’

  Billy spluttered. ‘Don’t be daft. It’s only been a couple of months.’

  ‘More like three.’

  ‘Whatever. It’s too soon for love.’

  Ruth fished a water chestnut out of her food and dumped it into any empty foil container with a shudder. ‘Have you ever been in love?’

  Billy shrugged his shoulders. ‘Dunno. I thought I was in love with Louise but now I’m not so sure. I think I just thought that was how I was supposed to feel because we’d been together for eleven months. Did you love Gideon?’

  ‘Honestly? No. I was only with him for so long because I was scared of being on my own.’

  ‘And are you scared of being on your own now?’

  Ruth thought about the question but shook her head in the end. ‘I’ve been too busy plotting my spectacular entrance at the reunion and picturing Zack’s jaw hitting the floor to even think about being single.’

  ‘Did you love Zack? Proper love?’

  Ruth wasn’t so sure. She thought she’d been in love with him at the time and it had certainly felt like it, but she’d been little more than a kid who’d never been kissed. She’d had a massive crush on him for a couple of years and she’d built that up when Zack had feigned interest in her. ‘I was young and naïve. I was probably just infatuated with him. A bit like you with Jess’s knickers.’

  Billy dumped his plate on the coffee table and turned to face Ruth, his face twisted in annoyance. ‘I did not fondle her knickers. They fell off the radiator in the bathroom and I was simply picking them up when she barged into the room. If you think about it, it was damn rude of her not to knock first.’

  ‘I believe you. The knickers fell off the radiator and that salt and pepper shredded duck simply fell into my mouth.’ Ruth grinned at Billy but the smile soon vanished as Billy pounced, knowing exactly where to tickle her to have her squealing for mercy.

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Ruth

  Your sister is amazing. She is the greatest friend in the world. She beats you hands down.

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Re: Ruth

  Have you been drinking?

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Re: Ruth

  A little bit. Head hurts now. Think I’m going to be sick.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Ruth

  My whole body felt as though it had been sledgehammered during the night. In the old days I would have woken up feeling sore and heavy after a fantastic night out on the sauce but these days the pain was down to the gym. At least when I had a hangover, I’d had a bloody good night beforehand.

  Even my eyelids ached as I prised them open and squinted at the clock on my bedside table. At least it was Saturday so I’d had a decent lie in. My shoulder blades were on fire as I wrestled myself into a sitting position and my legs were dead weights as I lugged them out of bed, swinging them around and planting my aching feet on the soft rug. I should have got used to waking up like this by now, but I still felt like slumping back beneath the covers and shoving a pillow over my face and putting myself out of my misery. It took every single ounce of energy and a slideshow of images depicting Zack’s shocked face to force me out of bed.

  I hobbled my way into the bathroom, each tiny fairy step dulling the pain until I was feeling almost normal by the time I made it down to the kitchen. I made myself a slice of toast, using wholemeal bread and low fat spread. The toast was followed by a low fat yogurt and a slightly bruised apple to make up for the pig-out I’d had the night before. And because there was little food left in the house.

  ‘We need to do a big shop,’ I told Billy as he wandered into the kitchen to check the cupboards, shaking the near-empty cereal box. There was enough for one bowl, but there wasn’t any milk left, so Billy ate his Coco Pops dry.

  I showered and dressed after breakfast, my muscles no longer screaming out but simply murmuring their objection to my movements.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ Theo asked, having finally risen. He looked pretty fresh, considering his 4am return that morning, with only slightly bloodshot eyes giving any clue to the previous night’s antics.

  ‘Big shop.’ I pulled a thin jacket on ove
r my strawberry-print dress.

  ‘Give me a minute and I’ll come with you.’

  I paused, one arm in the jacket, the other frozen half way in the sleeve. ‘You’re going to come shopping with us?’ I caught Billy’s eye and he was just as astounded as I was. Theo had never even bought a pint of milk since he’d moved in with us. He left his share of the shopping money on the kitchen table once a month and expected the shopping fairies to provide him with nourishment. There could only be one explanation.

  ‘Who is she?’ He had to have his eye on someone who worked there.

  Theo placed a hand over his heart. ‘She’s an angel.’ I shot my eyes up to the ceiling, having heard that little gem many times before. ‘No, I mean it, she is. I saw her the other day when I popped in to stock up on beer. She’s beautiful and sweet.’

  ‘And totally unsuitable for you, obviously.’

  Theo shook his head. ‘No, I think this is it. I think I might be falling in love.’

  ‘And I’m Scarlett Johansson’s identical twin sister.’

  Theo gave a shrug. ‘Mock all you want. I’ll marry Verity one day, you’ll see.’

  The Big Shop can be one of the most soul-destroying Saturday morning activities, with supermarkets filled with miserable, hungry people, snapping and grumbling and throwing things into their trollies. Fortunately, Billy and I didn’t join in with those poor beasts. If you had to take part in the dreaded Big Shop, you may as well have a bit of fun with it.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing?’

  Theo backed away from the trolley park as I stepped up onto the bar running under the trolley, one leg slung over into the trolley while Billy used both hands to shove my fat arse.

  ‘Give us a hand,’ I panted, but Theo held his hands palm up, shaking his head. He glanced around the car park, ensuring he wasn’t in view of anybody he knew. He wanted everybody to know he was Not Involved. ‘That’s it, Billy. Shove a bit harder.’

  Theo had started to wander away, well and truly washing his hands of us, as I finally plopped over the edge and found myself fully inside the trolley.

  ‘Ready?’ Billy asked after I’d steadied myself onto my feet.

  ‘Ready.’ I held up my wrist so I could see my watch. ‘On your marks, get set… Go!’

  I’ll never forget the startled look on Theo’s face as the trolley whizzed past him, me stood in the middle of it, arms outstretched for balance while Billy pushed, his feet pummelling away at the ground. We made it into the store, dodging a little old lady and her basket and a kid eyeing up the loose grapes as we entered the fruit and veg aisle and had to swerve to avoid the security guard as he plodded towards us, his face as red as the beetroots to our left.

  ‘Oi, pack that in now. Get out of the bloody trolley, you daft sod.’

  It took almost as long for me to get out of the trolley as it had to get in. The security guard stood to one side, hands on hips, watching to make sure we didn’t tear off again but he never offered any assistance, even when my foot got stuck.

  ‘What the fuck was that?’ Theo hissed, only able to join us once I was out of the trolley.

  ‘Trolley surfing.’ Billy turned to me. ‘How did we do?’

  I pulled a face. ‘Pretty rubbish, actually. Fourteen seconds.’

  Billy thumped the trolley’s handle. ‘Fourteen? You’re pushing next time. You’re better than me.’

  Trolley surfing was my favourite part of the whole shopping experience. Our record was thirty-eight seconds before we were asked to use the trolley in an appropriate manner.

  ‘Right.’ Billy rubbed his hands together. ‘Fruit salad juggling. What are we having today?’ Billy strode off towards the fruit, selecting an apple and a banana.

  ‘No, please not a grapefruit. Juggle a pineapple instead. I dare you.’ I tried to stop Billy from picking up the fruit, but he ignored my pleas and grabbed one before tossing it into the air with the apple and banana. I dared Billy to juggle a pineapple every week but he had yet to take up the challenge.

  ‘Ta-dah!’ Billy caught the fruit before placing it into the trolley. Our rule was whatever was juggled went into the trolley, so, unfortunately, the grapefruit was coming home with us.

  ‘Can you two act like normal human beings?’ I suspected this would be Theo’s first and final shopping trip with us. ‘And can we go to the baby aisle now? It’s a great place for picking up single mums.’

  ‘What about Verity?’ He’d been declaring undying love for the girl twenty minutes ago.

  ‘I have to keep my options open. I haven’t even got her number yet.’

  ‘My heart is filling with joy at that sentiment. And no, we’re not going picking up single mums. We’re playing Cheese Bingo.’

  Theo eagerly steered us towards Verity’s checkout once we’d filled our trolley and I was surprised to see a wholesome looking girl with a short blonde ponytail and a sparkly pink clip. She was short and smiley with a dimple in her left cheek and not Theo’s usual type at all. She didn’t look like she carried a spare pair of knickers in her handbag. Nor did she seem the sort who didn’t bother to wear knickers at all. Theo charmed the poor girl while Billy and I loaded the shopping onto the conveyor belt and packed it into bags.

  ‘Well, what do you think?’ We were walking home, weighed down with bags – even Theo, despite his protests.

  ‘Sorry mate, but she’s too sweet for you.’ Billy shot Theo an apologetic look but I had to agree with him. Poor Verity would be heartbroken when Theo cast her aside. She wasn’t hardened (or loose) like the others.

  ‘Piss off. We’d be perfect for each other.’

  ‘But for how long?’

  Theo’s mouth screwed up as he observed Billy, and I half expected him to dump his shopping bags on the pavement and punch him, but he simply turned away from us and increased his speed, striding home ahead of us. He’d cheered up by the time Billy and I had put the shopping away and suggested we spend the afternoon in the pub. He soon forgot about Verity and her phone number as he spotted the elusive Caitlin, the barmaid who had so far failed to fall for his charms.

  ‘Shall we remind him he has a date with poor Verity on Friday night?’

  I shook my head as Billy and I sat down with our drinks, watching Theo work his magic at the bar. ‘It wouldn’t stop him anyway.’

  Billy and I left the pub after a couple of hours, leaving Romeo to work on Caitlin. Billy had an early start in the morning as it was his father’s birthday and he was going to visit him. I had no plans so I offered to go with him.

  Billy had been ten when his mum died and Brian had done his best to take care of his son. It hadn’t been easy as he’d had to work to provide for them, so Billy would spend a lot of time with us and became part of the family. Stephen and Billy had been best friends since a very young age and I couldn’t recall a time when I hadn’t known Billy. Brian had been on his own after Patricia’s death until five years ago when he met Pearl. Brian had found it difficult to begin with and he struggled to move on, despite his growing feelings for Pearl. They were friends to begin with – the most Brian could offer at the time – but in the end even Brian couldn’t hide his feelings. He and Pearl had married two years ago and moved to Liverpool, where Pearl had grown up, for a fresh start.

  ‘You won’t mention Clare, will you?’ Billy and I had just stepped off the train at Lime Street, following the crowds towards the station’s exit.

  ‘Why not?’

  Billy turned his gaze away from me. ‘I haven’t told them about her.’

  ‘You haven’t told them about Clare?’ We stepped out of the station and my words were swept up by the noise of the traffic. We joined the queue for the taxis and I waited for Billy to elaborate. I couldn’t understand why Billy wasn’t shouting from the rooftops that he finally had a girlfriend – and one as beautiful as Clare. He still hadn’t explained as we climbed into a cab.

  ‘Why haven’t you told them you’ve got a girlfriend?’ My patience had worn thin so I wa
s forced to repeat my question.

  Billy shrugged his shoulders. ‘You know what Pearl’s like. She’ll make a great big fuss and Dad will get his hopes up that I’m finally settling down. We’ve only been together a few months.’

  ‘But they’d be happy for you.’

  ‘Too happy and then what happens when we split up?’

  ‘Who says you’re going to split up?’

  ‘Nobody.’ Billy gave a sigh, steaming up the window next to him. ‘But it’s what happens, isn’t it?’

  ‘Not always. Not if you love each other.’

  ‘I suppose.’ A silence fell about the taxi until we pulled into Brian and Pearl’s street. ‘You won’t say anything, will you? Not yet?’

  I shook my head. ‘Not if you don’t want me to.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Pearl was waiting for us on the doorstep and ushered us straight into the warmth of her home, taking our coats and generally making a fuss of us. ‘Brian’s just out in his greenhouse. I’ll give him a shout and put the kettle on.’

  I had vague memories of Patricia Worth – she was tall and slim with straight brown hair and a long fringe. She wore jeans and T-shirts and would offer us fruit juice and healthy snacks whenever we went round to play. Pearl was the complete opposite to Brian’s first wife – short and plump with cropped greying hair and a liking for pencil skirts and pastel sweaters. She never allowed anyone to be without a cup of tea and a biscuit.

  ‘He’s just washing his hands. Won’t be a minute.’ Pearl bustled into the warm sitting room with a tea tray and a plate of Penguins. ‘So, what’s new with you two then?’ Pearl sat in a roomy armchair as Brian stepped into the room, drying his hands on a tea towel. I wondered if Billy would use this opportunity to tell his dad about Clare.

  ‘Nothing much,’ Billy replied.

  Pearl’s shoulders sagged and she slumped against the cushions. ‘No love in the air then?’

  Billy reached for a Penguin and tore the wrapper while I held my breath. Now was the perfect time to tell them about his relationship. ‘Afraid not. So, Dad. What are you growing this time?’