A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  Frances had secretly organised a party at their local pub, complete with a DJ and had invited all their friends and family. Everyone Jared loved was under the same roof and it was all down to Frances.

  ‘I love you,’ he whispered as they danced to ‘their’ song.

  ‘I love you too. And do you know what? This doesn’t just have to be a birthday celebration. It could be an engagement party too.’ Frances wasn’t down on one knee, but she was proposing and how could Jared refuse? He loved Frances more than anything and they were about to have a baby. His life couldn’t be more perfect.

  Their mums cried when they announced their engagement that evening and were eager to start preparations immediately. Jared and Frances decided to wait until after Barney was born as she was already eight months pregnant and didn’t fancy giving birth soap-style at the altar, with everybody gawping at her nether regions. But they were happy to start making plans, booking their local church and asking Jared’s sisters to be bridesmaids. Barney would wear an adorable baby suit and tie and would be carried down the aisle in his mother’s arms.

  Jared was at work when he received the phone call. He grabbed his jacket as soon as he realised it was the hospital but his arm froze halfway in the sleeve. Frances wasn’t in labour and never would be. A car had sped through a pedestrian crossing, ignoring the red light and Frances as she crossed the road. She’d died at the scene, along with their precious son. Jared’s life had buckled around him, splintering his mind and body and altering him beyond recognition.

  Jared’s eyes snapped open and his body jerked into a sitting position. He’d tried so hard not to think about Frances and the accident, but she was always there, nestled in his heart and mind. She’d come to him in his dream again the night before, only this time she hadn’t brought Barney with her. She’d taken Jared’s face in her cool palms, kissed him on the lips and smiled her beautiful smile at him.

  ‘I’m not coming back. You know that, don’t you?’

  Jared hadn’t answered. Of course he knew she wasn’t coming back but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge the fact.

  ‘But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. And I know you love me. Moving on won’t change that. I’ve gone, Jared, and you must get on with your life. Enough time has passed. You’ll never forget me and you’ll never stop loving me, but it’s time, Jared.’

  Jared knew it wasn’t really Frances telling him these things. It wasn’t an apparition visiting him from the other side. It was his mind letting him know it was ok to be happy, to find love and risk heartbreak again. But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

  ‘Are you ok, Jared?’ Camilla had crept across the room and placed a warm hand on his shoulder. ‘Would you like a glass of water?’

  Jared glanced around the room, hoping he hadn’t disturbed anyone. Or made a show of himself. But everyone else was still relaxed, breathing deeply, envisioning white sandy beaches and warm breezes.

  ‘No thank you. I’m fine.’ He settled himself back down on his mat and spent the remainder of the session pretending to be relaxed. Camilla ended the session and everybody rolled up their mats and filed out of the room while Jared remained seated, still contemplating his future. His family had spent months trying to coax him to move on but he hadn’t been ready then.

  Ruth rolled up her mat and tucked it under her arm. ‘Ready?’ she asked him.

  Jared nodded but remained seated for a moment longer. ‘I think so, yes.’

  THIRTY-SIX

  Ruth

  ‘Fantastic session today, guys. I’ll see you all next week.’ Camilla smiled at the group dotted around the room and we all crouched on the ground to roll up our mats and filed out of the room. There was no chance of me losing weight in time for the reunion now and I’d probably end my membership to the gym pretty sharpish and never set foot on a treadmill again, but I quite liked yoga. It was calming yet energising and I liked having that bit of time to myself. I’d have to look into a class outside the gym after the reunion. Perhaps there was one at the church hall or something.

  ‘Drink?’ I asked as Jared and I met in reception after changing. It was a silly question after so long. Going to the pub after the gym had become our ritual, our cool-down stretches and a time to unwind, but Jared didn’t respond with his usual ‘Good idea! Where shall we go?’ and, come to think of it, he did look a bit shifty. Nervous, perhaps.

  ‘Are you ok?’

  ‘I’m fine. Never better. Drink?’

  I eyed Jared but simply nodded my head. Maybe he was fine and I was sensing my own nerves and projecting them onto Jared. I had an important question to ask him and wasn’t sure how he would take it.

  The pub was as dead as ever but we soon livened the place up with a bit of cheesy pop and this time Jared didn’t try to dissuade me from playing a medley of Steps and S Club on a loop. Something was definitely bothering him but I was too caught up in my own dilemma to pay too close attention to what it could be. We sat at our usual table with our orange juice and packets of crisps. The crisps were a new addition to our ritual as I’d come to terms with the fact that I was going to the reunion fat and had even bought a dress. It wasn’t quite The Dress but I’d have fallen in love with it under normal circumstances so it would have to do.

  We ate our crisps in silence. I was inside my own head, contemplating how to broach my proposal and Jared seemed happy enough with the quiet. I couldn’t come up with a sensible or even witty way to ask Jared and so I decided to just wing it.

  ‘You know it’s my school reunion on Saturday?’

  Jared nodded and managed his first smile of the evening. ‘I’ve heard it mentioned on an occasion or two.’

  I started to laugh but clamped my mouth shut when I realised it sounded slightly manic. ‘I have an extra ticket and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.’

  Jared studied me for a moment, his head cocked to one side and I started to feel warm under his gaze. ‘As your date?’

  ‘Sort of. But more like as my boyfriend.’ I offered a grimace-like smile as I heard the words out loud. They hadn’t sounded quite so desperate in my head. ‘Pretend boyfriend,’ I added quickly so he didn’t think I’d gone completely cuckoo.

  ‘Pretend boyfriend?’

  The day after Clare’s party, I’d met up with Erin at the bench for lunch, desperate to know about her text from Stuart from Accounts. She could no longer deny the growing seriousness of their dalliance. Except Erin did.

  ‘I’m not seeing Stuart from Accounts.’

  I’d rolled my eyes at her. ‘Come off it, Erin. This is me you’re talking to, your best friend. I know you and I can tell you’re into him. I’ve never seen you gooey-eyed about anyone and your eyes are well and truly gooey.’

  ‘Am I really gooey-eyed?’ Instead of being angry at the description, Erin was amused.

  ‘The gooiest. You have feelings for him, don’t you?’

  I expected Erin to erupt, to deny any such nonsense. I expected her to be indignant and remind me that she didn’t do feelings or any of that bollocks. I expected a fiery response but all I received was a little sigh. Erin plucked a Malteser from the family sized bag we were sharing and rolled it between her finger and thumb.

  ‘Oh my God, you do. Jesus, Erin. Are you in love with him?’ The notion was so ridiculous I almost laughed but managed to rein it in.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe.’ My mouth gaped open and Erin shoved her Malteser inside the cavity.

  ‘Thanks.’ I crunched the Malteser while I tried to get my head around the fact that Erin, Ms Love Is For Losers, had not only fallen in love but was freely admitting it. ‘God, Erin. I never thought this would happen.’

  Erin giggled, a proper girlish titter that surprised us both. Her eyes widened as she smothered the giggle with her hand. ‘I didn’t either. It kind of crept up on me.’

  ‘And does Stuart love you?’ He’d never come across as the settling down type to me but then neither had Erin unti
l thirty seconds ago.

  ‘No.’

  The grin I hadn’t noticed on my face until now began to droop. ‘Oh, Erin.’ I reached out to take her hand in mine, knowing how horrible it was to be in such a situation. And for Erin, who had always stated she wasn’t weak enough to fall in love, it must have been a hundred times worse.

  ‘But I’m not in love with Stuart either.’

  My hand froze on her fingers, my brow creasing in a most unattractive manner. ‘But you just said you were.’ She had, hadn’t she? I wasn’t going la-la here.

  ‘I said I was in love. But not with Stuart.’ Now I was beyond confused. What the hell was she talking about? ‘I haven’t been dating Stuart from Accounts. I just pretended I was seeing him because I was too embarrassed to tell you who I was really seeing, which I feel awful about now because Richie’s a really great guy once you get to know him.’

  ‘Richie?’ Who the fuck was Richie? I gasped then, my hand covering my mouth as I shook my head. No way. ‘Richard?’ Erin nodded her head. ‘Richard Shuttleworth?’

  ‘Yes.’ Erin didn’t look mortified, in fact quite the opposite. She was beaming.

  ‘You mean Richard, the Ginger…’ I couldn’t continue with the insult, not now he was Erin’s boyfriend.

  ‘The Ginger Bastard. Yes, I’m afraid so.’

  ‘But you said he was fantastic in bed.’ My hand flew to my mouth again as an image of a naked and very ginger Richard popped into my head. He reminded me of the lion from The Wizard of Oz. I’d never be able to sit through the film again.

  ‘He is.’ Erin beamed again while I shook my head, trying to piece it all together and make sense of the situation. It took eight Maltesers before I was able to speak again.

  ‘So you’ve been pretending you were seeing Stuart? You never even went on one date with him?’

  ‘Not one.’

  I suddenly leapt up from the bench, sending the remaining Maltesers scattering across the grey concrete of the car park but I didn’t even care. That was it! A pretend boyfriend! Plan D was conceived on the farthest corner of H. Woods’ car park and all I needed to do now was work out a few tiny details.

  ‘You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?’

  Jared looked at me as though I were crazy, which I probably was but I was also desperate. My first thought for the faux boyfriend had been Billy as he was already going to the reunion and he was sort of cute in a shaggy dog sort of way. But I assumed Billy would be taking Clare so that option was out. Erin then suggested Theo, pointing out he was very good looking (and didn’t the arrogant sod know it) and he’d do anything for a bit of free grub and beer. But even I wasn’t desperate enough to put myself through the humiliation of asking Theo.

  Which left Jared. He was gorgeous – even more so than Zack – and it didn’t matter that he was gay. He’d only be pretending to be my boyfriend and he wasn’t camp. Zack and co wouldn’t be able to tell.

  ‘It’ll only be for one night. And don’t worry, we won’t have to kiss or anything. I’m not after your body. I’m not that delusional. Or desperate.’ Well, I’d have to be desperate to throw myself at a gay man, wouldn’t I?

  I sat back and awaited Jared’s answer. It was a strange request but I wasn’t asking too much of him. All he had to do was show up on my arm looking gorgeous, which, let’s face it, wasn’t a difficult task for Jared. He’d make any woman’s knees go weak. Particularly mine, but I brushed that thought away.

  ‘So what do you think?’ I prompted when Jared failed to respond.

  Jared’s hands clasped the edge of the table as he eased himself out of his seat. His face was blank but his clenched jaw flagged a warning. ‘No, I won’t pretend to be your boyfriend. I’ve got better things to do than play silly games.’ Grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair, he swung around and began to stride out of the pub, pausing to glance my way as he reached for the door handle. ‘You might not be desperate and neither am I.’

  My own jaw clenched then, either because I was angry or to prevent myself from crying. Probably both. I’d thought Jared and I were close and that he cared about me, but he was just like the others. I was just a fat cow to him too. Someone to be seen with in public only if you were beyond desperate.

  ‘If you don’t want to do it, then fine, but there’s no need to be so nasty about it. I thought we were friends but clearly you think differently.’

  ‘Yes, Ruth, I do think differently.’ Jared’s tone was sombre and he gave a sad shake of his head before he tugged at the door handle and left me sitting there, tears thankfully not yet falling.

  I somehow managed to keep the tears at bay long enough to track Erin down. She’d been at Richard’s but met me at my house as soon as she heard how upset I was. She listened as I told her about my disastrous proposal, wiping my eyes with a tissue as yet more tears wormed their way down my cheeks. I didn’t understand how our friendship had disintegrated so quickly.

  ‘It’s a bit more than friendship for you though, isn’t it?’ Erin dabbed at my eyes with the damp tissue. ‘That’s why you’re so upset.’

  ‘What do you mean? It can’t be more than friendship. Jared likes men, not big fat women.’

  ‘Hey!’ Erin grasped my chin and turned my face towards her own. ‘Don’t you ever let me hear you talking about yourself like that.’

  ‘But it’s true.’ And the devastating thing was Jared thought so too. Jared, who had become one of my closest friends. I’d told him about Zack and he’d been sympathetic, but he must have been agreeing with Zack the whole time. Oh God, how embarrassing.

  ‘You are a wonderful person, Ruth. You are beautiful and smart and funny. And gay or not, there is no excuse for acting like a wanker.’

  I bobbed my head up and down. I didn’t entirely agree with Erin but her fingers were digging into my chin.

  ‘Good girl.’ Erin released my face and I rubbed at the tender skin. ‘Now, why don’t I come with you to the reunion? Richard’s supposed to be taking me to his mum and dad’s at the weekend, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less. Apparently, Susan threatens Kelvin with divorce at least twice a day. I’ll cancel and we can have a laugh and get pissed.’

  A glimmer of hope shone through my misery. That could work. In fact, it could be pretty bloody perfect. ‘Erin, you’re a genius. Imagine Zack’s face when he realises I’ve pulled a woman as gorgeous as you. Nothing grabs a man’s attention like a couple of lesbians. He’ll probably suggest a threesome and I’ll get to tell him to get stuffed in front of everyone.’ I grinned at the thought of humiliating Zack but Erin soon put a dampener on my jubilation.

  ‘Erm, that’s not what I meant, sweetie. I meant we could go as friends. To have a laugh.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Erin gave my hand a pat. ‘Do you think you’re desperate enough to ask Theo yet? Because it sounds like you are.’

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  Ruth

  I was officially a failure as I arrived at my parents’ house the day before the reunion. The school was only a few minutes away from my childhood home, so I would be staying with mum and dad to make it easier. With my suitcase at my feet, I rang the doorbell and waited.

  ‘You’ll never guess what’s he’s planning on doing with the shed.’ Mum didn’t bother with a greeting as she ushered me inside, taking my suitcase from me. ‘A sauna! He wants to turn the shed into a bloody sauna. What do we want with a sauna?’

  ‘I’d quite like a sauna actually.’

  ‘Well, let him build one for you then.’ Mum took my jacket from me and hung it up on the coat stand in the hall. ‘You’ve lost weight, Ruthie.’

  ‘I have.’ Pride about my weight loss crept into my voice for the first time. ‘I’ve dropped a dress size.’

  ‘Well done.’ Mum beamed at me as she pulled me into a hug. ‘You look fantastic. Let’s go and show your dad. He’s up in the attic turning it back into a bedroom for you. You don’t mind sleeping up there, do you? It’s easier to hav
e the little ones close to Stephen and Aubrey.’

  ‘It’s fine. I don’t mind.’

  ‘Let’s get your things up there then. I’ll make us a nice brew while you unpack.’

  Dad had transformed the attic into a cinema with a giant TV and two short rows of flip-down seats he’d sourced on the internet but Mum had made him unscrew the seats and store them in the soon-to-be sauna and a single divan had been made up. I unpacked as best as I could and hung my new dress up on the back of the door. Mum brought me a cup of coffee up when I failed to return downstairs, wondering what had kept me. I had very little to unpack but I needed a few minutes to myself.

  ‘Your brother should be here any minute,’ Mum said, knowing seeing Stephen would cheer me up. I followed Mum back down to the sitting room, pushing all thoughts of the reunion out of my head and trying to forget the humiliation of not only explaining the situation to Theo but actually asking him to pretend to be my boyfriend. He was working that day but would be meeting me at Mum and Dad’s the following evening in time for the reunion. Suddenly the idea of a pretend boyfriend seemed ludicrous and childish but the alternative was turning up alone, which wasn’t an option as far as I was concerned.

  I sat with Mum, watching crappy daytime telly but before long the house erupted as Stephen and his family arrived. Mum’s eyes filled with tears as she took in how much her grandchildren had grown since the last time she’d seen them but she hid her upset quickly as she gave them each a great big hug.

  ‘Your grandad’s out in the garden. Shall we go and find him?’ Mum led the three little ones out to the back garden, leaving Stephen, Aubrey and me alone. I surveyed my brother, searching for hints of change but he was still Stephen, my big brother. I ran to him, throwing my arms around him. I missed Stephen every day but it always seemed to catch me off guard when I saw him again, all my emotions rushing to the surface.

  ‘Did you bring them?’ I asked a moment later.